by Nora Phoenix
Josh tilted his head to the side, his nose crumpling, making him look adorably cute. “About what?”
Connor threw his hands up in the air. “About whether or not you like me back. You still haven’t said a damn thing on how you feel about me, if you like me or not.”
This time, Josh's answer came wicked fast. “You’re hot and damn sexy, but I don’t know you well enough yet to decide whether I like you or not.”
Connor’s mouth dropped open slightly. “You think I’m sexy?”
Josh rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’re built like a tank, you’re as masculine as they come, you have the whole uniform thing going with a healthy dose of dominant macho and ‘don’t fuck with me’ thrown in. You’re, like, the wet dream of every bottom, including me.”
This brutally honest confession was not what Connor had expected from sweet, shy Josh. To be fair, the guy seemed a little flustered once the words were out, as if he’d said more than he’d wanted to. But holy fuck, those words had lit a fire inside of Connor.
“I’ve never done this before,” Connor said. “I’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t even dated, so I have no idea what I’m doing here or how to do this.”
Understanding dawned in Josh's eyes, taking away his previous embarrassment, which was exactly what Connor had intended. He had this baffling urge to make Josh feel better. “You’re not out,” Josh said.
“No.”
“But you’ve had…” Josh's voice trailed off, but Connor had no trouble filling in the blanks. Sex. Josh was asking him to share the most humiliating thing in his life. Hell, no. He’d rather go through hell week all over again.
“That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” he said.
Josh shook his head. “No, that’s not how this works. I don’t do secrets. You wanna get to know me, you need to talk. I watched through my telescope as Noah got blown up by that fucking IED, and I spent two weeks in a closed ward afterward because I couldn’t process my feelings, couldn’t talk about it. Still can’t. Talking is hard for me, but that’s why Noah and I have made it a rule. I know we’re saps, discussing our feelings and shit, but it has helped me slowly get better. You need to get down with the program, or this thing will be over before it even starts.”
Wow. That was the most Josh had ever spoken to him, and every word had reached deep inside Connor. It took guts to lay himself bare like this, to talk about what had traumatized him so deeply. It made Connor want to protect this sweet man all the more.
“Not here,” he said, indicating the room they were in.
Josh nodded, understood. “Can you come by tonight? Noah and Indy won’t be home.”
“Yah. It’s a date.”
Josh shook his head but smiled a little. “No. It’s a talk to determine whether or not we’ll have a date.”
Connor couldn’t help grinning. “No pressure, huh?”
Josh's gorgeous blue eyes fixed on him. “You’re a fucking Marine. You got this.”
2
Josh's stomach was twisted in dozens of knots, and his palms were sweaty. Noah had noticed his nervousness, unfortunately. Before he and Indy had left, he’d asked Josh what was wrong. Josh had denied it, of course, not wanting to spill the beans about meeting Connor. It was none of Noah’s business, not until Josh knew for sure it was a thing. If he told Noah, the man would get all protective and shit, which Josh appreciated to a certain degree, but not where it concerned Connor.
He’d cleaned the house vigorously, desperately needing a distraction to keep him from counting down the hours, the fucking minutes until Connor would arrive. The living room was dusted and vacuumed, the kitchen sparkling and smelling of lemon-scented cleaning spray. He’d even scrubbed the toilet, putting fresh towels and new scented candles in the guest bathroom. Another sign Noah hadn’t missed judging by his raised eyebrows and pointed looks, but he’d refrained from commenting. Probably because Josh had blown off his previous question.
By the time the doorbell rang, Josh was a nervous wreck. “Hi,” he said stupidly as he opened the door.
Connor smiled. “Hi.”
“Come in.”
Connor wore cargo pants again, navy blue ones this time, with a white long-sleeve shirt. Josh secretly liked him most in his police uniform, when his whole demeanor was broadcasting masculinity and authority. For some reason, he liked Connor all male dominant.
Connor followed him into the living room. “Lemonade?” Josh asked.
“Please.”
He fixed them both a glass, made his way back. They sat down across from each other, staring. Shit, this was awkward as fuck.
“I don’t have experience with this either,” Josh confessed. “So I don’t know how we do this.”
Connor visibly relaxed at his words, his shoulders coming down and his face softening. “You said you needed to know things from me. Maybe you could start by sharing what you think I should know about you?”
Josh smiled inwardly. Smart move, letting him share first. That way, Connor got to keep up his defenses a little longer, could decide whether or not he was willing to lay himself bare. Considering how fucked up Josh was, he couldn’t blame Connor for being careful. He had a right to know what he was getting into. He couldn’t possibly know how much he was asking from Josh, though. Josh had thought about it all day, ever since leaving the station. If he wanted this to happen, to even have a chance in hell of succeeding, he needed to be brutally honest. No matter what it cost him, Connor should know, if only to prevent them from getting their wires crossed.
He took a fortifying breath. “First, as you know, I have PTSD, and since you’re a Marine, I assume you’re familiar with it.”
Connor nodded.
“My two known triggers are violence and being startled.”
“Okay, that’s good to know.”
“I also have a sexual trauma.”
Connor’s face tightened, his nostrils flaring. He’s angry, not disgusted. Josh let out the breath he’d been holding.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor offered.
Josh shook his head, appreciated it more than he could express. “I can’t. I wanted you to know. I may give off mixed signals when it comes to sex, but I’m asking you to not take me up on anything you may interpret as an offer until I come out and say so.”
“Alright. You can trust me, Josh.”
Josh stared at him for a long time before making up his mind. “I hope so. I haven’t been with anyone since, except for Noah. And Indy.”
He added Indy’s name as an afterthought, not even fully realizing what he gave away. Connor’s eyebrows raised all the way. Damn, he’d forgotten for a second Connor thought Indy was a woman.
Josh blushed fiercely. “It’s not like that with Indy,” he said, sounding defensive. “Once I trust you, I’ll explain.”
He needed to clarify more to Connor anyways, about his relationship with Noah for instance, but that could wait. That was on a need to know, and right now, the cop didn’t need to know. Yet.
“It’s okay, Josh. I don’t understand, but I don’t judge either. I appreciate you being honest with me.”
“Your turn,” Josh said, leaning back in his chair.
Connor swallowed visibly. “What do you wanna know?”
“You. But let’s start with the most obvious: why aren’t you out and fucking everyone who offers himself to you? Because seriously, if you came out, there would be a line out the door.”
Josh wasn’t exaggerating. It was the question that had been on his mind since that morning. What was holding Connor back from coming out? And more importantly, why would he have no experience with relationships when he looked like that? Surely he’d have no trouble finding someone, multiple someones, if even for one-night stands.
Connor was quiet for a long time, his eyes cast downward and avoiding Josh. What was he about to say that had him so hesitant?
Finally, the guy decided to talk. “I’ve jacked off with guys in my unit
a couple of times—all very hush, hush and all of us denying up and down we were gay, of course. After I got back, I went to a gay bar a few times, tried to hook up. I didn’t like it, so I stopped going. That enough detail for you?”
“Those were the broad strokes, but we’ll get to the details. Let’s start with why you didn’t like the hookups.”
Connor was sweating. Actually sweating. Pearls of moisture beaded on his forehead, and he wiped them off with his hand. Josh had gotten so used to talking about sex, to having sex, watching it even. Damn, he’d witnessed Noah and Indy a week or so ago when they seemed to have forgotten he was in the room and had made love. He’d been turned on as fuck, but it hadn’t weirded him out or made him even embarrassed in the slightest. Obviously, that was not the case with Connor. What made him so nervous about this?
“First of all, I guess I’m old-fashioned in the sense that I want to at least know somebody before I have sex. Especially since I’m not out, it’s a big trust issue for me.”
“I can respect that,” Josh commented. “But there’s more.”
Connor looked down at the floor again, cracked his knuckles. “I don’t like bottoming. Physically, it’s okay, but mentally I don’t like being dominated by someone else.”
Interesting choice of words, dominating. Does that mean he wants to be the dominating one? You’re reading too much into this, Josh scolded himself.
“So, you’re a top. Big deal. All you have to do is find a bottom.”
“Yeah, in theory.”
There was something in Connor’s voice that alerted Josh he still didn’t have the full picture. Why would Connor have an issue finding someone to bottom for him? Even if he had little to no experience, there had to be a line of guys willing to show him the ropes. Damn, the guy is sexy as fuck. Any twink would bend over and tell him to have at it. Including me.
“So you’ve never fucked a guy,” he concluded, frowning. “Did your hookups at least suck you or jack you off?”
“Oh, they gave me a hand job.”
Dammit, he was still missing something. “Why? Most gay men love sucking cock, me included by the way.” He blushed when he said it but ignored his embarrassment. Connor was laying himself bare, so this wasn’t the time to get prudish. “I have a hard time believing nobody would want to bottom for you.”
Connor’s jaw clenched, and his head was shaking so subtly, Josh almost missed it. “Come on, out with it,” Josh said. “What was the problem?”
Suddenly, Connor got up, unbuttoned his pants and dragged down them and his boxers down in one harsh move. The erect cock that sprung free was fucking huge and bulging. It had a perfect upward curve, with thick veins pulsating on both sides. The cop’s balls were equally big, and Josh's mouth watered, his cock straining against his underwear. He almost whimpered with pleasure. Oh, holy fuck, it would hurt so good to take that impossibly fat cock up his ass.
“Apparently,” Connor said, his voice thick with emotion, “Nobody wants this in their mouth. And the two times I tried to fuck someone else, I couldn’t even get it in half way before they called it off.” Before Josh could say anything, Connor stuffed that gorgeous dick back in his pants with angry moves, yanking his shirt back down. “Forget it. This isn’t working.”
He was halfway to the door when Josh sprung up, hurried past him and stopped in front of Connor. Dammit, he was not letting Connor storm out a second time, and luckily, this time his brain had decided to cooperate. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
Josh was actually taller than Connor, but of course his lean body would have been no match for the guy had he decided to push his way through. Their faces were inches away from each other until Connor stepped back, casting his eyes downward, his shoulders sagging.
“Home. Come on, Josh, admit it. This is never gonna work.”
The defeat in his posture and voice cut deep into Josh. There was something inherently wrong about seeing this proud man so down and rejected.
“If you think nobody wants you because your cock is too big, you haven’t met the right men yet.” Josh's words were harsh, but his tone was warm.
Connor grimaced. “Oh, you mean like the guy who offered me a grand if I was willing to shoot a porn video with him? Yeah, I’ve met men who liked my cock. Just not for the right reasons.”
“Oh, fuck off. You’re not even out. You’ve barely tried.”
Connor’s head shot up, fire blazing from his eyes. Josh preferred that ten times over him being all fatalistic. “I’m here, aren’t I, trying? But you’re as turned off by the idea as all the others.”
Without thinking, Josh shoved him back with both hands, surprised he even managed it. “Ask me.”
Connor’s eyes flashed, but he didn’t touch Josh, which earned him major points in Josh's book. “Ask you what?”
“Ask me if I’m turned off before assuming I am.”
Connor let out a dismissive, bitter laugh. “Sure, because I love being humiliated some more. No thanks.”
Josh grabbed Connor’s hand. Put it on his rock-hard dick. “Ask me.”
The cop’s eyes grew big. His face was a palette of emotions as he stared down at his hand covering Josh's groin. He swallowed. “Does it turn you off?” The words were barely audible.
“No, you fucking idiot, it makes me so hard I’m about to come in my pants.” Josh pushed back against Connor’s hand, grinding his erection against him. “Your cock is the most beautiful, impressive, mouth-watering, and fucking masculine dick I’ve ever seen.”
Connor licked his lips, an undoubtedly unconscious gesture that shot straight to Josh's balls. “Can I kiss you?”
“No.” Josh's answer was swift and definitive. “I like you, but I don’t trust you, yet. But I might if we keep talking.”
The cop’s face, which had fallen at Josh's rejection, lit up. “What do you want to know?”
Connor couldn’t believe he’d dropped his pants like that. Fuck, it could have gone horribly wrong, especially considering Josh's earlier confession of sexual trauma. What the hell had he been thinking?
He hadn’t been. Thinking, that was. Not at all. Josh had kept asking questions until Connor had felt against a wall. It was an uncomfortable dichotomy because on one hand, he wanted nothing more than to protect Josh, be the strong man for him. On the other hand, he wanted to be honest and vulnerable with him, needed him to know he was fucked up, too. Maybe more than he had realized, even.
When Josh had confessed his sexual trauma, Connor had instantly realized they’d never work together. How could they when his damn cock was bound to hurt people? There was no way Josh would ever let him fuck him, not after what he’d apparently been through.
Josh had been so fucking hard, though, undeniably aroused. Why would anyone want that monstrosity? Connor couldn’t wrap his mind around it.
“What do you need to trust me?” he asked Josh once they were back in the parlor.
“Complete honesty. If you want me to trust you, you’ll need to be willing to do a full disclosure. I promise I won’t betray your trust, not even if things between us don’t work out, but I need your honesty.”
Connor leaned back on the sofa. Could he do this? Was he willing to give this man he barely knew the one thing he had never granted anyone? He’d never opened himself up, not to his family, not to his brothers in arms, not even to Lucas. Lucas had known more than anyone else, but even with him, Connor hadn’t shared all. And instead of easing in, this guy was asking him to jump into the deep end from the very start. Did he have any idea what he was asking?
“I suck at letting people in,” he said.
Josh's face softened. “Tell me one thing you’ve never told anyone, and we’ll take it from there.”
Connor took a deep breath. He had to try. If he ever wanted to find someone to share his life with, he had to take this step. “I was taken prisoner by the Taliban. My best friend Lucas and I were held for five weeks until a SEAL team rescued me.”
&n
bsp; Josh's eyes hardened. “You were tortured.”
“Yes.”
“Lucas, he didn’t make it? You said you were rescued, not the both of you.”
Had he done it on purpose, to test if Josh was really listening? Connor wasn’t sure. But Josh had listened all right, had read between the lines. “No, he didn’t.”
Even if he could’ve talked about it, he wouldn’t have, to spare Josh. His story was no bedtime story, especially not for a guy who had violence as a trigger.
Connor didn’t know if it was something he’d said or how he had looked, but Josh got up from his chair and sat down at his feet, rubbing his head against Connor’s hand like a kitten. Connor automatically put his hand on Josh's hair, stroked gently. His hair was silken, the dark locks soft and comforting. It was a strangely calming sensation to let the strands slide through his fingers.
“I am so sorry, Connor.” Josh’s voice was soft, his eyes closed as he leaned even farther into Connor’s hand. Funny how a phrase that could have so easily been a cliché meant so much coming from Josh.
“Your hair feels nice,” Connor said without thinking.
“Did you know it helps to touch something soft when you talk about a painful memory? It helps take some of the sharpness away.”
He did it deliberately. Josh had known how hard this was for Connor and had offered him support in the best way he knew. That couldn’t have been easy for him, what with his trust issues and sexual trauma. If Connor needed any more evidence of how truly sweet Josh was, it was right there.
“I didn’t know. Thank you.” On impulse, Connor bowed toward Josh, pressed a soft kiss on his head.
“What did you have in mind for our date?” Josh asked.
“I hadn’t quite gotten that far. Wasn’t sure you’d say yes in the first place.”
“Connor, I …” Josh pulled his knees up, hugging them tightly with his toned arms. He looked at the ground as he spoke. “I don’t go out much, aside from shopping and therapy and running. People scare me easily, and I’m always afraid of having an episode. So I stay home, mostly.”