by Nora Phoenix
“It must’ve been hard for you to come to the station,” Connor realized.
“Yes,” Josh said softly. “But I didn’t have your number, so I had to.”
If Josh thought this would make him boring, Connor needed to set the record straight. “Josh, it’s okay. I have a job where I’m out a lot of the times, and I have more excitement than I care for. When I get home, I’m more than happy to stay inside.”
Josh raised his head, met Connor’s eyes with a sweet smile playing on his lips. “You could come here, and I could cook for you, if you want.”
“You cook?”
Josh nodded, almost eagerly. “It’s a hobby.”
“Good heavens, you’re perfect,” Connor said, then watched with amazement as another sweet blush crept up Josh's cheeks. God, he’s adorable. “That sounds like a perfect plan.”
“What do you like to eat?”
“Anything and everything, as long as I don’t have to cook. Household chores are not my forte, to be honest.”
Josh flashed another sweet smile. “I don’t mind doing them at all. Noah hates them, too, so I do everything.”
Now that, Connor could believe. Noah didn’t seem like the type who enjoyed doing the dishes. Not that Connor judged, because he hated them too. But it was interesting that Indy apparently didn’t have a knack for household stuff either. Or a willingness.
Suddenly, Josh jumped up. “Fuck, you need to leave.”
Connor raised his eyebrows. Where was this coming from all of a sudden?
“Noah and Indy will be home any second, and you can’t be here.”
Connor got up, his mood quickly darkening. “What’s the problem? Did you lie about you and Noah? Why can’t he see me?”
Josh stilled, turned around to face him. “It’s not that. I’ll explain it to you next time, I promise. I’ll cook for you, and we’ll talk, okay?”
Everything in Connor screamed he shouldn’t let this go, that something fishy was going on. Josh was hiding something from him, despite his talk about brutal honesty. Still, what choice did he have? Connor didn’t want to risk running Josh off, not after they had connected so well.
He put his hand on Josh's cheek, raised his chin with slight pressure so their eyes would meet. “I’ll text you later when I get home, okay? Don’t wait too long texting me back, or I’ll conclude you’ve changed your mind.”
Josh's reply was quick and certain. “Yes, Connor.”
And damn if that answer didn’t make Connor’s insides go all dominant as fuck. Nothing could’ve satisfied him deeper.
Maybe it would be enough, he mused on the car ride home, being with Josh, even if he could never fuck him. An image flashed through his head. Josh, taking his cock in his mouth, in that firm, toned ass. Connor groaned, repositioning his swollen shaft. He was a fucking idiot, setting himself up for disaster. Fuck, he was gonna get hurt. And so was Josh—and not in a good way.
3
Connor wiped his somewhat sweaty hands off on his dark blue slacks before he rang the bell. A quick check showed his crisp white shirt was all straightened and neat. You’d think a Marine who had been to hell and back would be cool about a simple date, but his nerves were killing him.
It had been a long week, waiting for the date to happen, meanwhile texting back and forth with Josh. He’d alternatively cursed himself and been excited, even though he knew it would never work. Not with his monster cock. Not with Josh's traumatized past. Not with him being all bossy and controlling and Josh so sweet and lovable. Fuck knew why he wanted to try anyway. Glutton for punishment, apparently.
Josh opened the door, and Connor let out an involuntary sigh at the sight of him. Dressed in a baby blue button-down and dark blue dungies that hugged his long legs perfectly, he made Connor’s stomach do a little somersault.
“Hi,“ Josh said, not opening the door wide enough for Connor to step in.
“Hi.” Had Josh changed his mind? Connor’s stomach sank. “Can I come in?” he asked when Josh didn’t say anything else.
“Shit, yes, of course,” Josh stammered and threw the door wide open. Connor smiled. It looked like the guy was as nervous as he was, which was sweet.
“I brought you something,” he said when they were inside, Josh watching him silently as he hung up his jacket and took off his beanie and boots.
He handed Josh the wrapped package. Would he like it? Connor held his breath.
Wordlessly, Josh unwrapped it, then let out a little squeal. “The new Forza game! I wanted this. How did you know?”
A warmth Connor couldn’t explain burned through him. I got it right. Damn, that feels wicked good. “It was a guess. I saw the Xbox last time, figured you were the one playing the most, so I went to the store and asked for a game without violence. The sales guy said Forza was a lot of fun, had beautiful graphics, and no gore.”
Before he realized what was happening, Josh stepped in and kissed Connor softly on his mouth. “Thank you. Perfect gift.”
An electric shock fired up Connor’s system at the all-too-short sensation of Josh's lips on his. More. He wanted so much more. He swallowed. “You’re welcome. Glad you like it.”
He followed Josh into the living room, catching a satisfying look at his tight ass in those dungies. Damn, he could watch that butt for hours and not get bored.
“I made us some tapas as appetizers,” Josh said, a hint of insecurity in his voice. He led Connor into the dining room where a sturdy wooden table had been set for two, complete with candles and napkins. White, small serving dishes in various shapes and forms held tiny little bites of beautifully arranged food. It all looked like it had been ripped from the kitchen of a three-star restaurant. Josh had gone through a lot of trouble for this date and didn’t that warm Connor’s heart? Whatever doubts he’d entertained after Josh had basically kicked him out last time vaporized.
“That looks amazing,” Connor said. “You weren’t kidding when you said cooking was a hobby.”
A sweet smile flashed across Josh's face before he gestured toward one of the chairs. “What can I get you to drink? I forgot to buy wine because Noah and I don’t drink.”
There was that insecurity again, as if he was scared Connor would get upset with him for not having wine. “I rarely drink, and I never do when I’m driving, so that’s fine. It’s probably gonna clash with these delicious dishes, but I’d love some more of your lemonade.”
Josh's whole face lit up, his smile shooting lightning bolts through Connor. What was it about this man that made Connor want to protect him, pleasure him, and cherish him? Suddenly all these warm and fuzzy feelings swirled around inside of him, and he didn’t know what to do with them.
Josh sat down across from him after he’d gotten them both a glass of lemonade. “You said you liked everything, so I went a little experimental with the tapas. We have salad wraps with spicy chicken inside, homemade mini croquettes, Spanish ham rolls with melon, and gazpacho, which is a cold tomato soup.”
“Wow. Tell me which one to start with.”
Josh handed him the cold soup, which was served in a tiny glass. “It’s a little spicy, but it’s perfect to start with.”
Perfect was the right word. A rich, full tomato flavor exploded in Connor’s mouth at the first sip. It was fresh, spicy, and it tasted like summer despite the freezing cold outside. “Oh, man, that is so good. Love it.”
“I’m glad you like it. It’s Noah’s favorite, too.”
Noah. Connor couldn’t help but like the guy, but what was the deal with him and Josh? No matter what Noah had said about him and Josh not being together, something was clearly going on. Josh and Noah were living together, and Josh had been clear about him and Noah having sex as well. How did Indy fit into this picture? And was there even room for Connor? Still, he didn’t want to start this date by asking the hard questions.
“Look, I know we’re both new at this, so I did some research,” he said.
“You did?”
�
�I figured we could start with ‘Would you rather’ questions to get to know each other.”
A smile played on Josh's lips. “You’re a bit of a control freak, aren’t you?”
Connor opted for honesty, which seemed like a good strategy with Josh. “I am, and not even a little bit. I was worried that between your shyness and my inexperience at this, we’d get stuck in uncomfortable silences, so I wanted to make sure we had a good time.”
“I can appreciate that. You start.”
Connor took another sip of his delicious soup, then fired off the first question. “Would you rather spend a year on a deserted island or in a cabin in the woods?”
“The cabin. I’m not a big fan of beaches, and I love hiking, so I’d take the woods. My turn, right?”
Connor nodded, curious what Josh would come up with. “Would you rather eat cereal every meal for a year or go without coffee for a year?”
“I don’t drink coffee, not anymore.”
Josh raised his eyebrows. “Why not?”
Connor hesitated, then surprised himself by going all in. “Our captors, they’d drink this rich, strong coffee all day. The smell permeated everything. I haven’t had a drop since, and even the smell of coffee makes me nauseous.”
Josh's eyes went soft. “Smell is a powerful trigger for memories, both good and bad ones.”
Connor studied the kind blue eyes across the table. He’d never talked about his experiences. Even the trauma psychologist his CO had sicced on him had barely managed to get a word out of him. The thought of witnessing pity on people’s faces, that they would see him differently, would treat him as damaged—it had prevented him from ever saying anything. But Josh, he understood. He’d been through his own version of hell, and he had survived. And Connor didn’t see Josh as weak, damaged, or a victim. Even with the PTSD, Connor couldn’t view him as anything else but a survivor, a strong fighter who was determined to get better.
“Next question. Would you rather go without books or without sex for a year?” Josh asked.
“Hey, it was my turn!” Connor protested.
“You waited too long, so you forfeited. Answer the question.”
The guy was such an intriguing mix of shy and sexy, of awkward and flirty. And clearly, even after having had time to think it over, the size of Connor’s cock wasn’t deterring him. “Define sex,” Connor said. “Are we talking all sexual acts or penetration?”
Josh smiled. “I like how you think. Erm, let’s say all sexual acts.”
“Yeah, I’ll go without books in that case. Pretty sure my balls would explode if I couldn’t jerk off for a year. How about you? You seem pretty fond of your books … ”
“Not that fond, trust me. I’d have to agree with you on that one. Next. Would you rather fuck every day for the rest of your life, or get a blow job every day?”
“How come you get to ask another question? Isn’t it my turn by now?”
“Nope, you used my own question about sex or books on your turn.”
Connor shook his head, laughing. “You’re a smart ass.”
“Answer the question.”
Connor had no hesitation this time, even though his stomach clenched uncomfortably. It would never happen, at least not with Josh. “Fuck. Hands down.”
Josh nodded, a happy smile on his face. “I figured.”
“I guess I’d have to alter the question for you a little,” Connor said. “These salad rolls are amazing, by the way. Perfect combination of the crispy lettuce and the spicy chicken.”
“What do you mean?”
“Would you rather be fucked every day for the rest of your life or give a blow job every day? That’s what I should ask you, right?”
Josh frowned a bit. “Am I so obvious?”
Connor reached out his hand, put it on top of Josh's. “You already told me you were a bottom, and that you loved sucking cock. I remembered because what you say is important to me.”
Josh studied him, his blue eyes assessing. Connor stayed perfectly still. “Yeah,” he finally said. “That’s what you should ask. So are you asking?”
“No. Because I’d want to do both.”
Josh's eyes glazed over. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I’d want that, too.”
“Yeah?” Connor asked, his insides doing a happy dance.
“I want to do everything you ask me.” Josh cast his eyes downward, fidgeted with his hands.
Connor stilled. Is he saying what I hope he is? There’s no way. No fucking way. Could he at least hint at what was inside of him, this deep yearning? “All I want is to take care of you. You trigger a deep, dominant urge in me. I’m sorry if that offends you or scares you.”
His eyes were trained on Josh, studying his every reaction. Josh's eyes slowly lifted to meet his. “It doesn’t.”
What he saw in Josh's eyes made Connor breathless. “How does it make you feel?”
“Wanted. Safe.” Connor’s grip on Josh's hand intensified. “Indy says I have submissive tendencies. Do you know what that is?”
Connor swallowed. Holy crap. “Yeah, I do. Why do you think that?” His voice was hoarse.
Josh yanked his hand from under Connor’s, directed his face to the floor again. It took a long time for him to speak. “Please, don’t judge me, Connor.”
Connor’s alarm bells went off. There was more, but Josh apparently felt scared to say it, feared Connor would judge and reject him. What could he offer to make him feel safe and secure?
He pushed his chair back from the table. “Come here,” he told Josh in a warm, but firm voice.
Almost instantly, Josh got up. Holy fuck, his instincts had been spot on. Josh hadn’t hesitated even a second before obeying him. When Josh stood before him, eyes still glued to the ground, Connor reached forward with a slow motion and grabbed Josh gently by his hips. He pulled the man forward until Josh got the hint and straddled his ass on Connor’s lap, facing him. Connor pulled him close, holding Josh loosely until he felt him relax. Josh put his cheek on Connor’s shoulder, sending a sweet triumph through Connor’s system.
It was almost surreal, this intimacy they were sharing when they hardly knew each other. Yet it felt so familiar, so right.
“What did you want to tell me, Josh?” he asked softly, rubbing Josh's back gently with his right hand.
For more than a minute, Josh was quiet but relaxed in Connor’s arms. Finally, he spoke. “I like rough sex.” Josh's voice was so soft it was barely audible.
“Okay.”
“You don’t think that’s weird or perverse?”
“No, why would it be?” Connor had a pretty good idea why Josh would think so, but he wanted him to come out and say it.
“Doesn’t it mean I…liked what happened to me? That I somehow want to relive it?”
“Did you like rough sex before you were raped?” Connor wanted Josh to know he’d looked it up. It hadn’t been too hard to find in the army records, not with the contacts he had. He figured it would help Josh if he was factual about it.
Josh let out a breath as if he’d been holding it in. “I think so. Never had much opportunity to experiment.”
“Josh, what happened to you, it doesn’t change who you are or how you’re wired. You were gay before, and you still are now, right? In the same way, you had your preferences before, and those haven’t changed. Doesn’t mean you’re some sicko deliberately reliving a trauma.”
“Do you like it rough?”
“I think so. My cock isn’t very sensitive, so it needs thorough stimulation for me to get off. But I’ve never really fucked another man, so I don’t know for certain. But Josh, I’m not sure if I could fuck rough and hard, with how I’m built.”
It was easy to talk like this, with this sweet guy wrapped around him, Josh's face tucked away against his shoulder. It felt safe, like he was offering the man a cocoon where he could transform.
“Indy thinks I’m submissive because I like being told what to do in bed. It fulfills me w
hen I’m being bossed around and used. To me, it brings freedom because I don’t feel worry or stress. All I need to do is obey. And I think I like pain…”
Josh's voice trailed off, the last words barely audible. God, he was laying it all on the line, and it warmed Connor’s heart. He made sure his voice was tender before he spoke. “It sounds like something you may want to explore further.”
Josh sighed. “Yeah, I guess. It’s not that simple for me, considering my…issues. Trust does not come easy to me.”
Connor hmm’d, understood. He hadn’t trusted anyone completely in his life. Not even Lucas, and he had been his best friend.
“Do you think this is maybe something you’d be interested in…with me?” Josh asked.
He still wasn’t looking at him, and Connor was strangely grateful. It made it easier, to be honest. Josh's hands were wrapped around Connor now, tracing unknown patterns on his back.
God, he wanted nothing more than to experiment together. Connor’s dick had grown harder during the conversation, but the mere thought of being Josh's first in this aspect made his cock rock hard in an instant. But how could he risk it? Josh was vulnerable, and Connor didn’t know shit about any of this. What if he ended up breaking him even more?
“Josh, I’d love nothing more, but I have zero experience with this. All I know is what I’ve seen in porn, and while I’ll admit it exhilarates me, I’m not sure I’d be the right person for you to explore this with.” He sighed. “I’m doing a wicked shitty job of promoting myself here, but I’ve been told I’m arrogant and dominant to the point where people have compared me to a steamroller.”
Josh untangled himself, leaned back to look Connor in the eye. “And you see this as a problem why exactly? Isn’t the whole point that one partner dominates and the other submits?”
“What if I’m too dominant for you? What if you don’t say no, and I end up hurting you, physically or mentally?”
Understanding dawned in Josh's eyes. “You think I’m too fragile for you.” His shoulders sagged. “You’re probably right.”