Never Never Land

by Treva Harte

  “Chris. Oh, baby.” Jenni wanted to touch him, but she was suddenly afraid they might both crumble. “If you couldn’t, I would. But you can. You need to. You love him.”

  He flinched.

  “I love him…very much.” She could barely hear the words. “Always have. Even when I don’t want to.”

  * * * * *

  From: News_Lover

  To: Jenni

  I can stop e-mailing if you want. I wonder if you are getting these e-mails at all. I suppose someone like you has to be careful. Careful is smart. You’re a smart woman.

  Jenni looked at the delete button. She looked back at the e-mail. Sometimes you took chances and it hurt. It hurt like hell. But if you didn’t, if you shut down and didn’t do anything, then nothing happened. Nothing at all.

  Her guys took chances and screwed up. She loved them for it even when she wanted to cry for them. And sometimes hurting was better than nothing.

  It was later than she thought if she was letting herself feel that way. Chris hadn’t wanted to talk much after his confession but Jenni was now too wired to sleep. Maybe she should postpone a decision on the e-mail. She wasn’t thinking clearly right now.

  No. She might as well face it. She was scared. She had a job that sucked everything out of her life but getting the next story. So now she had a life that had always made her choose working, being safe, over taking a chance. Which could very well leave her with a long lifetime of nothing…

  To: News_Lover

  From: Jenni

  I got your e-mail. I appreciate having a fan and being thought of as smart. That story didn’t make me feel too smart, though. Or careful?

  She hesitated. The e-mail didn’t mean anything. It was stupid to worry about it. Her reply was stupid. She needed to do something different with her life. This would go nowhere. It could be ugly.

  Delete. Send. Delete.

  Send.

  Chapter Six

  Friday: Going to Chris’s Condo

  Adam pulled out his pinging cell phone, checked the number, whistled, and punched the button. He was already on his way to Chris’s. Maybe he was supposed to pick up something before he got there.

  “No can do this time. Can’t run any damn errand whatsoever,” Adam said. “Not in a taxi. And yes, the car is in the shop again. Another accident. Damned Miami drivers.”

  “Where would you rather go ‑‑ a fancy restaurant or a dive?” Chris cut in without preliminaries.

  “Who’s buying?”

  “What’s your idea of a really romantic evening?” Chris snapped back.

  There was a long silence on the line.

  “This isn’t what it sounds like, is it?” Adam finally asked. “All right, I’ll play your silly game. Um, some wine followed by fucking in front of the fireplace? Preferably the fireplace is lit. Nighttime would be all right, too. The fireplace, nighttime, and wine is negotiable. But fucking definitely needs to be involved.”

  The cab driver looked at him in the mirror.

  “Not you, idiot. Jenni. I have to answer these compatibility questions for her. However, I must say that Jake’s answers were even worse. You’re my last resort.”

  “You’re going through with the date-by-computer method?”

  “I’m covering my bases. Fireplace and wine at night sounds all right. Jenni might go for it. The beach, too. I’ll put that in. She likes the beach. What’s the best characteristic you can have for keeping a relationship together?”

  “A hard ‑‑ all right, all right.” Adam cleared his throat. It didn’t matter. His next sentence sounded hoarse anyway. “Knowing a person inside and out and loving them anyway, the good and the bad. You think?”

  There was another long silence.

  “Sometimes, Adam, you surprise me. And give me hope.” Chris’s voice was soft.

  The cell phone signaled Call Ended.

  * * * * *

  “Chris’s place again. It seems like we were here last week,” Jake observed.

  Jenni buzzed the door. “Why do we never go to Adam’s apartment? Oh. Whoops. Forgot. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it. Now I remember. We wouldn’t be able to fit in his apartment. I don’t know how he fits.”

  “The man is a pig. It would put me off my food.” Jake pushed the door with one foot when it clicked open.

  “You know he’s busy. When he’s working, he easily puts in twelve hours a day.”

  “And when he’s not working, he just wallows in his sty.”

  Chris met them at the door. Jenni gave him a quick glance and then a big hug.

  “How are you, sweetheart?” She kept holding him, refusing to let go.

  “All right. How are you, Jenni?”

  She stepped back then, looked him over, and said, “I may have met a man.”

  Chris smiled. It looked like an effort, but it was a smile.

  “Well, for God’s sake, wait until Adam shows up to tell us. Otherwise we’ll have to hear everything five times instead of just four.” Jake headed toward the kitchen with the beer. “In great detail.”

  Chris said, “He’s coming by cab tonight. Apparently he had a fender bender in Miami.”

  “Oh Lord. How many of those has he had?” Jake asked. “It’s a wonder anyone will insure him.”

  Jenni bristled. “He drives a lot with his work. It’s not a surprise he has a few accidents. You boys are just being mean.”

  “He’s as careless in the car as he is ‑‑” Chris bit off his sentence as the buzzer sounded. “And here he is now.”

  * * * * *

  “Excuse me? You haven’t met him yet? And you don’t know his name for sure?” Adam crossed his arms. “I believe you gave me a lecture on knowing guys before you get involved with them back years ago, Miss Jennifer.”

  “You’re enjoying this.” Jenni tried not to smile. “I did say I may have met a guy.”

  “God, it might actually be a woman for all you know,” Adam interrupted.

  “Adam! Stop! It’s just…interesting. He’s interesting, okay? And there certainly isn’t any pressure.”

  “Still no comments on your big tits in his e-mails?”

  Jenni blushed. “Sometimes.”

  “All right, this guy, if he is a guy, may possibly be straight. That’s a start.” Adam shook his head. “Have you scheduled an assignation yet?”

  “Well, yes. No. Sort of. I wouldn’t schedule an assignation.”

  “Jenni, you’re just setting Adam up.” Jake stood up. “For God’s sake, go ahead and meet the man. You know you want to, or you’d never have told Adam. He’ll hound you until you do.”

  “Yeah. That’s true.” Jenni fished for her car keys. “I’m going to. He says he’s got business until next week. Then we’ll meet. I promise.”

  “Are you worried about it?” Chris asked. “Can we help?”

  “I’ll be fine, Chris. Yes, I’m worried, but that’s silly. I’m not expecting anything. Honest. Gotta go now.” Jenni leaned over to peck him on the cheek. “And let me hear from you this week. All right?”

  “Make sure it’s a nice, noisy, public place. All right, sweetie?” Adam leaned back on the couch and wiggled his eyebrows. “A girl can’t be too safe. At least for the first date.”

  “I’ll keep it in mind. I’m sure you follow the Safety First thing at all times. Not. I don’t have to worry about it soon anyway. What I do have to worry about is a speech to cover tomorrow. All about how one of our councilmen is totally about his family.” Jenni winked. “We won’t say just why he feels a need to say that very loudly.”

  “I’m sure we’ll hear just why from you in your next story.” Jake took his almost-empty bottle from the coffee table and took one last swig. “My weekend assistant is sick, so I have to open the spa tomorrow. A manager’s work is never done.”

  “Poor baby. Like you get upset about flexing your muscles all day with the gym’s weights and helping guys who want a massage.”

  “Shut up, Adam.”

&
nbsp; “Night, gang!” Jenni stood up and suddenly gave Adam a smack on the lips. “Love you, honey.”

  She whispered in his ear, “Be gentle, kiddo. Very, very gentle.”

  Adam blinked at her, and she was out the door a half-second later, Jake on her heels. He turned to Chris, who was carefully picking up empty cups from the floor.

  “All right. What did Jenni mean? And why did she leave without offering to take me home?” Adam stood up as well.

  “I don’t know what she just said, but I know that I need to talk to you. Seriously. Alone.” Chris faced him, his stance almost like a Western movie gunfighter.

  “All right then. I suppose that means I need to listen. Seriously. I thought you were done talking to me, though.”

  “Adam, please. Let me get through with this.”

  “Sure. I promise to be gentle.”

  “You couldn’t have told me the second you heard? You had to freeze me out?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Adam clutched the coffee table and breathed hard through his nose. He wasn’t going to throw the damn thing across Chris’s meticulous floor. He just needed a second to calm down.

  “Sorry. You made me wonder what the hell I’d done for the past six weeks, and you’re sorry?” Indoor voice. Good, Adam. Very adult.

  “I don’t know what else to say. I should have told you right away, the second I knew. It just ‑‑ I just ‑‑ it was a mistake.”

  “You tell me it was a mistake? Not turning your library books in on time is a mistake. Cutting my heart out rates a little higher than a fucking mistake!”

  Screw adulthood. Screw Chris. Screw this so-called relationship of theirs…

  Chris doubled over.

  “Oh, Jesus.” Adam threw the coffee table and heard something smash as he scrambled for Chris. “Don’t. Jesus, Chris, don’t.”

  Chris was crouched on the floor, one arm over his eyes, one fist pressed hard against his chest. And he wasn’t crying. Chris better damned well not be crying.

  Chris never cried. God damn it, he never ‑‑

  Adam sprawled on the floor next to him, holding his lover. The man he’d loved off and on for years. No, always on. Forever.

  “Why, Chris? Did you think I’d toss you out if I knew?” Adam gripped him hard, trying to hold off the wracking sobs he heard strangling Chris’s throat. “How could you have believed that?”

  “I thought… you always thought…you always thought I was perfect. God, that sounds so egotistical. But I wanted you to think that. I wanted to be perfect.” Chris gasped the words out. “For you, I always wanted to be perfect.”

  “Why do you sleep with every guy who looks at you twice, Adam?”

  Chris’s eyes bored into him ‑‑ confused, angry. As confused and angry as Adam felt.

  “Why do you ace every test in class? Because you’re you. That’s what you do best. Screwing guys is what I do best. Maybe it doesn’t compare to perfection, but some guys appreciate it.”

  He had planned to say more, but he couldn’t with a tongue down his throat. He didn’t know which one of them started the kiss. Somehow they were locked in a death grip that was as much combat as love. Blood trickled from Adam’s lip, and he didn’t even know if it was his or Chris’s. All he felt was the crazy roar in his ears, the rush to his cock.

  Finally.

  That was the first time he heard Chris moan for him. First, last, always. There was no other sound like it.

  That first time Chris had knelt down and sucked him off. Looking at that brown hair brushing over his cock, looking at Mr. Perfect ready to service him… Adam came at almost the first wet touch, as if no one had ever sucked him off before.

  As if no one else ever could.

  “God, Chris. You always have been. Perfect. For me. You asshole. Now you’ve got me crying, too.”

  “Sorry. I’m sorry about everything. Making you cry. Making me cry.”

  “Loving me?”

  “No. Never sorry about that.” Chris buried his head into Adam’s shoulder. “I just wish ‑‑”

  “I wish I could love you as right as you make me feel.” When it works. When it works, there isn’t anything else than Chris. There’s no room for more.

  “Yeah. That. That’s what I wish, too.” Chris’s hand fisted in Adam’s shirt.

  “We’re probably going to fuck this up again, you know. We can’t ever seem to hold it together too long.” Adam wiped his eyes on his shirt and then wiped Chris’s eyes, too. “Go ahead and blow. It’s pretty much ruined anyhow.”

  “Why do we fuck it up, Adam?” Chris ‑‑ his fastidious Chris ‑‑ blew his nose on Adam’s shirt.

  “We’re fuckups, remember? But you can always tell me when you’ve screwed things up. It’s not gonna be a surprise. I’ve known you forever.”

  Chris laughed and then sobered again. “I think it’s because we’re scared. And we’re too intense. Sometimes I’m afraid we’re going to burn each other up. So we fight and back off.”

  “Okay. Yeah. That makes sense to me, especially since it kinda goes with what I was thinking. But could we try not to back off and refuse to see each other for years? Because that’s what’s always happened before.”

  “We do see each other. I mean, we always keep the friendship tie.”

  “You know what I’m saying. I mean, could we do the whole thing? Enemies, friends, lovers…all of it? The whole insanity?”

  “’Til death do us part.” Chris gulped again. “God, there it goes again. The intense thing. And the death thing.”

  “Well, you aren’t going to die. All right? Not unless I get to kill you first.”

  “All right. I can go with that.” Chris leaned over to Adam and kissed one eye closed. Then the other. “Sure, Adam.”

  Adam knew he was grinning like an idiot. His face hurt from smiling…and crying. God damn, Chris could twist him into a pretzel.

  “And we’re playing it safe. You’re playing it safe. Understand me?” Chris was scowling at him when he opened his eyes again. “I’m still waiting for the latest blood tests from the doctor. You’re going to get tested again, too.”

  “Please don’t tell me to just say no. I’m lousy at that.”

  “I’m going to wrap you in plastic before we have sex again, I swear it.” Chris kissed his ear.

  Adam shook. From a kiss on his ear. That was almost embarrassing.

  “Sounds kinky. But hey, I’ve been told I give a really great hand job. I’d be happy to help you brush up on the technique.” Adam unsnapped Chris’s pants.

  Chris leaned back to let him. “This is embarrassing.”

  “Why? You going to come in the next second or something?” Adam gripped the base of Chris’s cock and unsnapped his own pants.

  “Not that. To be honest I haven’t… let’s say I really haven’t been in the mood for anything in the last few weeks.”

  “I can take care of that, babe.”

  “That’s what’s embarrassing.” Chris looked down. “I’m already hard, and I want you like my next breath, and I’m scared. How do you do that to me? With a couple of words and the promise of a hand job?”

  “You feel like you’ve never had sex before in your life?”

  “Um…I wouldn’t put it like that.” Chris swallowed. “But yeah. Exactly like that.”

  Adam moved his fist up Chris’s cock slowly, very slowly, and smiled. “Because it’s exactly like that for me. Which is really embarrassing.”

  Chris let out a soft exhale, tried to catch it from becoming a sigh, and failed. Adam flicked his nail, just lightly under the head of Chris’s cock.

  “I ‑‑ damn it, Adam.” Chris half-rose.

  Adam began to pump his own cock and choked out. “I’m already close to coming, just like it’s my first time. You do that, Chris. Just lying there and sighing for me.”

  Chris closed his eyes. “Shut up, Adam. Just keep going. Don’t stop. ’S so good.”

  Adam looked down at Chris, who w
as lying next to him with his eyes shut, totally vulnerable to anything Adam wanted. Adam stopped jerking off to wipe his mouth before he could speak again. But he didn’t let go of Chris’s cock. He couldn’t do that.

  “Not ever, babe. And I really want to lick that cum starting to trickle off your cock.”

  “No.” Chris’s eyes opened, and he grabbed Adam’s wrist.

  Adam didn’t stop. “I just said I wanted to. I know you’re going to be excruciatingly careful until things are under control. You know, I kind of like that right now. We can fantasize we’re virgins.”

  Chris’s head fell back and he shuddered. “Back at school…you were the first guy I ever slept with that I loved.”

  Adam moaned this time. “Fuck.”

  “Truth.”

  Adam sucked in a breath and tried hard to talk. “You shut up this time, Chris. I’m trying…to get you off before I come. I’d planned a little more to this show, like persuading you to…push things up a notch, but you’re not helping ‑‑”

  Chris laughed and swore and shuddered again, fighting against pleasure. “Damn it, wanna…feel your hand on me longer. Want to feel you ‑‑”

  “That does it.” Adam’s voice shook. “Asshole. Fuck, God damn it, fuck!”

  His body rocked with pleasure.

  Cum hit Chris’s erect cock. And his shirt and pants and chin. At the first spatter, Chris inhaled, then fought for control, refusing to move any muscle at all.

  Adam stroked Chris’s balls and squeezed his cock. Chris exhaled on a roar, control gone, and semen sprayed Adam’s face. Adam sputtered and began to laugh. “Gotcha. Can’t believe I got you… forget a condom. If I promise…not to swallow now…willya do that again soon?”

  He kept laughing until he cried. Then he threw himself against Chris, hanging on in a stranglehold, still crying. Chris’s hand crept up to rub Adam’s back. His other arm reached out to grab onto his lover as tightly as Adam was holding him. They both kept trying to catch their breath.

  “I’m doing this until…we pass out…then we have to let go,” Chris whispered into Adam’s ear.

  “I can hold my breath a really long time, you know.”