Counting On You

by J. C. Reed

  “You sure this is a good idea?” The question is addressed more to myself than him. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to enjoy his presence without ripping the clothes off his glorious body.

  “Now it is.” He jiggles the handle and pushes the door open. “Please.” He gestures for me to enter and follows after me.

  “Why? So you can pretend I was the one breaking in and you were merely an innocent bystander?” I laugh at his fake-innocent smirk.

  “You caught me there.”

  I watch him spread a blanket across the hardwood floor of the reception hall and pour us two glasses of wine as I settle on the blanket.

  “Wow. You really thought of everything.” I take the glass from his outstretched hand.

  “I always please.”

  For that I can vouch.

  “Here’s to your first ride with me,” Kade says, holding up his glass.

  I let out a laugh. “And here’s to you for being pushy. I’ve most certainly never met anyone like you.”

  “And here’s to you seeing Bruce for who he really is.”

  I stare at Kade. Barely two weeks ago, I would have thrown a fit at his audacity, but something’s changed inside me.

  I agree with him.

  “You really can’t stand him, can you?” My voice comes out as a whisper. I’m not even sure the words are addressed at him and not at myself.

  “That’s an understatement. I actually hate the guy’s guts, and I haven’t even met him yet. Anyone who treats a woman the way he treated you deserves a good ass whooping.”

  “Why?”

  He hesitates, choosing his words carefully. “I can’t explain it. I just have this strange feeling that he’s more than a cheater. You’re in rehab because of him, and how does he repay you? By taking a damn cruise with his ex. Who does that?”

  That’s not even half of the story.

  I think back to the letter and that I haven’t yet mentioned Bruce marrying his ex.

  “If you were with me, I’d love you the way you are,” Kade says, wrapping his arms around me. I lean into him, inhaling his scent, wondering what it’d be like to be close to him outside, in the real world.

  His words are sweet and heavy, like the wine coursing through my body.

  Staring at the old ceiling, I wonder how much I can open up to him.

  I peer at him. His eyes are clouded, his thoughts shrouded in mystery, miles away. From so close, I can feel the heat radiating from his body. The strong, male scent of his aftershave carries over and for a moment I remember every detail about last night. Every breath, every word, every thought feels as though it happened just a moment ago.

  “I’ll be sorry when this is over,” Kade says, breaking the silence.

  His intense gaze is on me. There’s something in it—something sharp, ferocious.

  “Me, too.” A smile tugs at my lips. “We could always relapse and return to live here, happily-ever-after.”

  It’s a joke—only, not quite.

  “Yeah, we could. Except, we’ll have to find a new place because they’re closing this place down in a few months.”

  “Really? Who told you?”

  “My therapist.”

  “No one tells me stuff like this,” I mumble. “Am I the only one who doesn’t get along with her therapist?”

  “I always get the scoop. It certainly helps that she likes me.” He looks at me, poker-faced, and then we both erupt in laughter.

  “Why’s every woman into you?” I ask. I mean, I get why. He’s hot. He’s successful. And he seems like a great catch.

  But does every woman have to be into him? When you have the entire female population to choose from, there’s no way you’ll ever settle for one.

  “I don’t know.” He falls silent for a moment. “They see what they want to see. The troubled bad boy who needs the right woman to change him. What they don’t realize is that I’d never change for anyone—unless I did it for myself.”

  “Nobody should change for anyone.” I smile at him. “I like the way you are.”

  He grimaces. “I’m not sure you would if you knew the things I’ve done.”

  “It doesn’t matter. The past can’t be changed. Deeds cannot be undone. Memories can’t be unwrapped. I’ve known you for a few weeks, Kade, and I think you’re amazing.”

  “Amazing, huh?” He leans over me and brushes a stray lock out of my eyes. “I’d take amazing every day, almost as good as perfect.”

  “Don’t get cocky on me,” I manage to whisper before he rolls on top of me, his weight pinning me down. “Obviously, I was just trying to be nice. That’s not to mean—”

  My breath hitches as he cuts off my words with a kiss. It’s only a kiss, but it’s the most beautiful one yet—soft and smooth and filled with unspoken promises—and for the first time I can’t help but wonder:

  Could there ever be more?

  Could more become forever?

  With him, I feel safe. Safer than I’ve ever felt before.

  When the traps of life keep you tied to rigid things, you appreciate that one special moment.

  This is my special moment.

  I don’t know why, but I kind of like Kade. I like everything about him. He makes me laugh and stands by me when everyone has been judgmental. He’s shown me how to breathe again after I thought I’d always live in a state of suffocation.

  But why does it feel so wrong to want him and so right to need him?

  I peer into his eyes nervously.

  He looks at my lips and my heart flies as if it’s a bird discovering the sky for the first time. He takes a breath, and I suck it in. He’s so close that I could get lost in him forever.

  “Am I making you nervous?” he whispers and brushes his thumb over my lower lip.

  “Sometimes.”

  “Did Bruce ever make you nervous?”

  “I don’t know.” I want to lie that he did and yet I can’t.

  “How can you not know?” Kade asks. His hand tightens around me possessively. “You know what I think? I don’t think you ever loved him. Do you think of him now as much as you did on your first day here?” I open my mouth, but he holds up a hand, silencing me. “Think before you answer. I want you to be honest with yourself. Because true love doesn’t just go away.”

  I bite my lower lip, thinking. This is the one place I don’t want to revisit, mainly because I fear I might go back to a state that wasn’t healthy for me. “I don’t want to talk about him. Please, just drop it.”

  I try to wiggle my way out of his stealthy embrace, but my attempt is a feeble one. Truth be told, I enjoy his touch. Enjoy everything he does to me. I know it. He knows it. The silence that follows is awkward, but not uncomfortable.

  Kade leaves me to my thoughts, which I realize is probably just as bad as forcing me to talk about my demons.

  Me never in love with Bruce?

  If someone had told me that weeks ago, I would have said that was impossible.

  But Kade has been close to the truth. I never truly loved him. I know it now because what I’m beginning to feel for Kade is what love really feels like.

  It’s honest and beautiful. Accepting and giddily exhilarating. It makes me feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt before.

  “Why did you have to bring up Bruce?” I whisper. “You’ve ruined the moment.”

  “Have I really?” Kade lowers his lips to my neck, his hot breath grazing my skin as his hand forces its way beneath my clothes.

  Moaning, I throw my head back as I realize what he’s about to do and the lust from before settles deep in my core.

  Chapter Thirty

  Kaiden

  Our beach has become our very own private resort. Far away from the rehab building, it’s our safe haven. We’ve visited it every day after rehab, sometimes twice—so many times that I’ve lost count.

  It’s been endless hours of talking and lovemaking. I can’t even call it fucking any more because it would cheapen the experience. I
t would cheapen her.

  Those are my beautiful moments.

  I don’t think you can count them. I don’t think you can measure happiness. Every breath I take is with her.

  It’s become our breath.

  Vicky lifts her hand, intertwining her fingers with mine.

  In the lightening sky, she looks more breathtaking than ever, with her hair wild and her cheeks still flushed from my kisses.

  “You know, I never expected things to turn out this way,” she whispers. “It seems like my whole life I waited for something to happen. But this rehab thing wasn’t it. ” She laughs softly, the sound dark and sad. “My poor mom—I hate to disappoint her after all she went through with my dad.”

  Pulling her to my chest and the blanket over her shoulders, I prop my arm underneath my head and wait for her to continue.

  She remains quiet for a few seconds while her fingers are tracing circles across my abdomen. Every touch makes me breathe hard. I want to kiss her, to take her again, claim her body as many times as I can. But there’s something in the silence surrounding us that keeps me from doing so.

  Vicky’s relaxed, on the verge of falling asleep in my arms. Those moments are so rare that I can’t let it slip.

  Above us, the night is turning into dawn. The red rim of the sun is stretching over the purple-blue shaded horizon.

  Suddenly, I want her to talk. I need to know more about her.

  “When you were cutting my hair, you mentioned something about your father. You talk about him like he’s not in your life anymore,” I say.

  “That’s because he isn’t.” She pulls away from me and flips onto her stomach, placing her hand under her chin as she looks up to me. “He ditched my mom when I was fifteen. I haven’t heard from him since. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. My best guess is that he has a new family and has forgotten about us. Rumor has it he got someone knocked up while he was still married to my mom. She’s still paying off his debts.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She shrugs. “It’s no big deal. I’m a big girl now. I can deal with stuff like that. My mom believes that my father’s walking out on her is to blame for my mental breakdown. Is she right?” She pauses, grimacing. “I don’t know, but it was hard for us, more for me, because I was real close to my dad. His sudden decision to cut ties with us left me feeling depressed and guilty. I try to hate him for all the pain he’s caused my mom, but I can’t. My therapist says that my love addiction is a coping mechanism. That the feeling of having lost my dad got to me so much, it’s become normal for me to get attached to a new guy to try and replace the connection with my dad.”

  “She might be right.”

  She cocks her head to the side, a soft smile playing on her lips. “Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”

  “I am.” I roll one of her perfect curls around my finger, tugging gently. “But as your friend, I’m also supposed to tell you the truth. What about your siblings?”

  “My brother’s great. He spends all his time playing video games with his best friend. But my sister? She’s a real pain in the ass.”

  I let out a laugh and she shoots me an annoyed look.

  “Trust me, that’s the kind of sister you don’t want to have. She’s annoying as hell, and competitive, but she knits a damn great sweater to keep you warm, and I love her to bits.”

  “But it’s nice to have family.” My words come out a little too bitter and envious. I realize that too late.

  “Yeah, it is. What about you? Do you have a good relationship with your parents?” She regards me intently, her beautiful eyes two dark spots that penetrate the walls I thought were impenetrable.

  “The two people I call my parents are dead,” I say.

  Her easygoing expression slowly disappears. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I whisper. “Unfortunately, we can change the past just as little as we can predict the future. My parents adopted me from an orphanage when no one else would. You see, it’s hard for orphans to be placed in new homes. More so for boys than for girls. You see your friends go, then make new ones, only to see them leave, too. After a while you begin to feel unwanted. Like nobody gives a fuck about you.” I grimace as the memories I thought I had left behind come back to haunt me. “I tell myself that both of my biological parents were drug addicts. That’s the only excuse I can think of as to why anyone would abandon their three-day-old child.”

  “Did you ever try to find them? Your biological parents, I mean?” her voice is choked, afraid to ask.

  I shake my head. “No, and I never will. They abandoned me. They don’t deserve to have me in their lives. The way I see it, they’re not worth meeting. I’m not sure how I’d feel about seeing them, clouding my memories, letting them in. Too many years have passed. What happened can’t ever be changed. They’re strangers and I want them to stay that way.” I pause to choose my words carefully. “That my biological parents gave me away hurt me for a long time, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt when I lost my adoptive parents. They’re the ones I’m still grieving, because they were the parents I thought I’d never have. They raised me as if I were their own. To me, people like them are more of a parent than some name on a birth certificate.”

  “What happened to them?”

  I sit up to ease the tightening sensation inside my chest.

  The night sky is breaking to make room for dawn—just like when my mom slipped away.

  “My father got targeted by some guy. He lost his business, all of his money. Over the span of a few weeks, we lost everything he had fought for over the course of thirty years. And then my mom became ill. He couldn’t afford to get her the best treatment. He was so desperate that he killed himself so she could claim his insurance policy and we wouldn’t end up homeless. His death hit my mom hard. She died a few weeks later. Any form of treatment would have come too late anyway.” I close my eyes, the memory hitting like little sharp spikes piercing every part of my body. “I still miss them. At least I’m close to my brother. He’s the reason I’m here. I gave in to the board’s demands because of him.”

  “I’m sorry,” Vicky whispers. I open my eyes to take in the pained expression on her face. Probably for the first time in my life, those words aren’t meaningless. She truly feels them. “I’m sorry,” she repeats. “I feel so stupid talking about my father when you…I don’t even know what to say.”

  Under different circumstances, I’d feel uncomfortable with people’s pity. But Vicky looks at me like I’m part of her soul. What she feels doesn’t look like pity; it is compassion.

  Tears are shimmering in her eyes. I lean to wipe them away and realize just how much I love the kind of person she is. Her kindness is probably the reason why she feels the need to take care of everyone but herself. It’s probably also the reason why she gets attached so easily.

  “It took me years to get over it. For a long time, I could only feel anger for the people responsible for my father’s business going bust. I wanted revenge and I got it, but along the way I realized as sweet as revenge might be, it doesn’t bring back the people you love.” I cock my head to the side as it dawns on me that I’ve never opened up to anyone the way I seem to open up to Vicky. I also realized that it feels good, as though after such a long time I’ve finally found the right person to open up to. “You know what’s the strange part? My brother, Chase, married the woman whose stepfather ruined our parents.”

  “You can’t be serious,” Vicky says.

  “I tried to hate her, but she’s not her stepfather’s sin. She thinks he killed her mother.”

  “Did he?”

  I take a deep breath and hold it for a moment as I consider my words. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know the truth. All I know is that my brother loves her very much and I’m fine with it.”

  Vicky squeezes my hand, and I smile at her. In the soft light, she looks like an angel.

  “Love does strange things to you,” I say sof
tly. “I’ve never seen Chase happier. It all goes to show that you can’t choose love. Love chooses you. You don’t have to seek it. It comes to you.” I brush a finger over Vicky’s cheek. “Speaking of relationships, have you decided what you’re going to do about Bruce?”

  “Bruce.” She draws out the word and grimaces.

  “You’ll have to make a decision soon, Vicky. He won’t be in your life forever. The sooner you get him out of your head, the better.”

  She casts her glance down. I sense something, but I can’t tell what she’s thinking, feeling. Eventually, she gets up and moves a few steps away from me, leaning her back against the wall.

  “Did I say something wrong?” I want to close the distance between us, draw her in my arms and tell her that everything’s going to be okay. But this is her fight. I can’t force her to get rid of a pattern that’s not good for her.

  “I’ve been wanting to tell you,” Vicky says slowly. “You’re right. He isn’t going to stay in my life for long. Not single, anyway. He’s marrying his ex this summer.”

  Oh, fuck!

  I stand and reach her in two long strides. My fingers itch to touch her, to give her the comfort she needs, but I hold back. The fragments of her soul seem too fragile to touch. Only she can hold together what can be so easily broken.

  “When did you find out?” I ask.

  “My sister told me when she came to see me. She brought a letter from Bruce. Like the coward he is, he broke up in writing. Couldn’t even tell me in person.”

  “Vicky.” She doesn’t look at me as I place my hand on her shoulder, gently forcing her to look at me. Her face is a mosaic of emotions. But there are no tears. No pain.

  I frown, unsure what to make of it.

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  She shrugs. “I didn’t want you to think that I’m damaged material.”