Counting On You

by J. C. Reed

  Sweet words…so meaningless, so much hope.

  I don’t know what his game is, but I don’t feel up for playing, and yet I can’t walk away.

  Everything inside me is trapped in a storm wreaking havoc.

  “I’m not telling you that I love you. I’m saying that I crave you so much I cannot imagine you being with someone else,” Kade says.

  My heart sinks, breaking just a little bit.

  He presses his lips against mine.

  “Love is not an accident. It’s a verb. You don’t wait for it to happen. You make it happen. And I have every intention of making you mine,” he whispers into my mouth.

  “You don’t do commitment, Kade. We’d be friends with benefits.”

  “You would be my only friend.”

  I should feel offended that he’d ever proposition something like that to me, but all I can feel is hurt and want. I want him so much even though it hurts. And it hurts like hell that he doesn’t want me the way I want him.

  When did things take this turn?

  When did our little uncomplicated thing become so messy?

  “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispers.

  I press my mouth against him, taking everything he can give me, even though I know it’s never going to be enough.

  Could I keep on seeing him without actually being with him? Could I ever kiss his lips without wanting them to be mine—and mine only?

  I can’t let him into my world, only to feed my obsession, which would lead to stalking, then to misery—a never-ending circle I couldn’t possibly break on my own.

  Things with Bruce started out the same way. Except, Bruce never saw me the way Kade does.

  Kade makes me feel wanted while still keeping me at arm’s length. He created feelings I never had before while doing nothing. His kisses are like soft breezes and roaring hurricanes, his touch a warm rain shower and a cascading waterfall.

  “I think it’s time we change things up a bit,” Kade says as he begins to trail soft kisses down my neck. “How about I take you out to dinner? Just the two of us.”

  I shake my head. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I want to. I want a date with you.”

  I frown. “You want a date?”

  “Something like that.” He grimaces, as though the very notion pains him.

  “But I thought you don’t date?”

  “There is an exception to every rule.”

  “I don’t understand.” I take a step back to regard him. “What changed your mind?”

  “You,” he says softly. “And the fact that we only have a few days left. It seems like there’s never enough time for the good things in life.”

  My heart starts to pump a little harder, stupid fool that it is.

  He wants to be something like friends with benefits, but exclusive, and also take me out on a date.

  Only Kade could be so complicated.

  “I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me.” I smile at him, suppressing the sadness that hovers on the bridge of my soul.

  “Let me see what I can do, given the circumstances.”

  As I watch him get out of the shower and gather his clothes off the floor, I realize the only reason he’s offered to take me out on a date is that he doesn’t want to hurt me. People say one thing, and maybe they mean it in that one moment, but as soon as they step into the real world, all plans turn to dust.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, also realizing that this is the first time we’re both naked and he’s not taking advantage of the situation.

  “Workout.” He pecks my lips absentmindedly and heads out, calling over his shoulder. “I’ll pick you up after the group session tomorrow. Don’t be late.”

  As soon as the door closes, I turn the shower back on, shaking my head at my own stupidity.

  Kade Wright doesn’t date; he only fucks. And right now I’m not even getting that.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Vicky

  “Vicky,” Kade speaks my name in his sleep.

  He says it softly, as if my name carries a special meaning to him. Even though I don’t want to, I know I’m falling hard for him. Falling for a man whose heart I may never possess. A man who has become my drug.

  When did love become so complicated? How can someone go from loving one person to moving on to the next? Since when do I have to resort to lying that I don’t have feelings for him when he’s all I can think about?

  People use the word love, but do they understand its meaning? The power behind it? Do they realize that to love means to lose oneself in a tangled forever with no way out?

  Love isn’t a drug.

  The actual drug is another person’s touch. Being kissed by someone. Granting him access to the pieces of your heart that could destroy you.

  Loving Kade feels like I’m falling into a safety net I never want to leave.

  Even though Kade Wright is still a player, it feels right to trust him.

  Maybe too right.

  But he’s the only person who understands. The only one who doesn’t judge me. I might have only known him for a short time, but he’s given me more than anyone else before.

  He is everything Bruce isn’t, except Mr. Future, so I call him Mr. Present.

  There is this attraction between us. We’re like two polar opposites glued together by the foundation of what we have built.

  The program’s supposed to end in two weeks. I dread the day I’ll be forced to return to a life without him.

  But a deal’s a deal.

  A present with him is all there is, no matter how much I crave a future.

  Kade is sleeping next to me, our bodies intertwined between the sheets. My fingers itch to touch him, to brush the dark hair out of his face and kiss him like there’s no tomorrow.

  I’m going to miss him. The imminent threat to be without him fills me with dread. I can’t bear the thought of being away from him. Of belonging to his past.

  “Remembering you is easy. It’s letting go that’s the hard part,” I whisper.

  As though hearing me, he stirs and opens his eyes. He really has the most beautiful eyes—a rich brown, like melted chocolate, like everything that’s good in the world.

  “What did you say?” He sits upright and glances around.

  “Nothing.” I smile at him. “It’s going to be a hot day.”

  “Good thing I got us ice cream.” He catches my confused expression. “I bribed the kitchen staff. It’s in our freezer.”

  Our freezer.

  He makes it sound like we live together for real, and my heart believes the lie.

  Stop it, Vicky. Stop getting invested.

  “Want some for breakfast?” Kade asks.

  “How could I say no?”

  “Yeah, let’s be bold. Let’s break the rules.” He gets up and winks at me. “Don’t run. I’ll be watching the door.”

  I laugh. It’s the first night we’ve slept in his bed. We’ve been intimate in our apartment, but until now, I refused to sleep in the same bed. I watch him as he heads out, butt naked.

  He looks like a prince. Royal and sexy.

  As if sensing my thoughts, he peers through the open door. “I could pose for you if you wanted.” He flashes me another cocky smile and then disappears again.

  I wrap the sheets around my body, feeling the familiar heat gathering in my core.

  No amount of ice cream could stop the fire he’s ignited inside me. My clit’s pulsating to life at the chance of him spreading ice cream all over me and then licking it off.

  Maybe he’ll let me do it to him, right before I suck his cock into my mouth and reward him with the kind of attention he usually lavishes on me.

  “What did you get?” I ask when he returns with a large container and two spoons.

  “Chocolate and pistachio with crushed M&Ms. Your favorite.”

  I never told him that. “How do you know it’s my favorite?”

  “Your sister told me.”


  He settles next to me and hands me a spoon.

  “My sister?” I can’t help but roll my eyes.

  “Yeah. She kept asking everyone if they knew where you were.”

  “What did you say?”

  “That your therapist called you in. That your session’s always on a Tuesday.”

  “You didn’t have to lie.”

  “Should I have told her that you ditched her?” He shrugs. “I didn’t see the need to tell her the truth.”

  I watch him dip his spoon into the tub and scoop up a good amount of ice cream.

  “What else did she tell you?” My body stiffens as I think of all the things my sister could have revealed about me. My failed relationships, my not-so-proud moments, all the things I started and never finished.

  “Not much,” Kade says. “I told her that we’re roommates and that we’re kind of supporting each other, after which she invited me to her wedding.” He catches my wary glance and gives me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I haven’t accepted. I won’t be jumping into your life if you don’t want me to.”

  Not want him to?

  That’s everything I want. But I can’t tell him when he has no intention of staying.

  “Did she suspect anything?” I ask, changing the subject.

  “That we’re a thing?” He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Maybe she didn’t show it.” He watches me with a sly grin on his face, and there’s that naughty glint in his eyes again. The temperature rises a few degrees, and the ice cream isn’t the only thing melting.

  He scoops up some ice cream and lifts the spoon to my mouth. When I open my mouth, he grazes my lips with chocolate, then leans forward to kiss me.

  His tongue slips slowly into my mouth. He tastes of chocolate and want.

  “I want to cover you in this and lick you all over,” he whispers.

  “Sounds like something we should be trying.” Sliding my leg over, I straddle his lap and thrust my hips against his hard erection.

  “Let me be your plus one,” Kade says.

  I stop in my movement. “You want to come?”

  “Why not? We’re friends, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  Friends with benefits.

  That’s what we are. Maybe throw in the odd date, but nothing more.

  “Why are you so nice to me, Kade?”

  There is little distance between us and yet it feels like there’s an invisible barrier.

  He frowns, watching me with a puzzled expression. “Why shouldn’t I be? You’re great.”

  I shake my head. “No. I mean why are you like…this? Talking as if we’re really going to see each other again in the future. We both know that’s not going to happen. It’s all pretense.”

  “Is it?” His gaze burns me. It’s that deep. “I like you, Vicky. I like being around you. Is that so hard to understand?”

  “Yes, it is,” I whisper. “Nobody has ever looked at me the way you do.”

  “When I’m with you I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be anyone or anything. I feel like I have known you all my life. I like being around you because you make me want to be a better person. And, let’s face it, nobody has made me laugh harder than you have, so yeah, I like you, Vicky.” He shrugs. “But that’s not what you want to hear, is it? The question you actually want to ask is if I have feelings for you.”

  I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat.

  “No.” My answer comes out too shrill. We both know I’m lying.

  “Tell me what you want to know and I’ll answer your question.”

  I want to tell him that I want him. I want to ask whether he feels the same way, whether he wants me as much as I want him, body and soul. I want to tell him that I’ve fallen in love with him, that I want everything he can give, and more.

  But how can I ask whether he feels the same way when I know the truth already?

  “What time is it?” I get up from his lap and begin to gather my scattered clothes.

  “Ten. By the way, you suck at changing the topic.”

  “Crap.” I ignore his remark and squeeze into my clothes. “I’m so late.”

  I’m almost out the door when his arms wrap around my waist, forcing me to stop.

  “You forgot something.”

  Pulling me back against him, his lips press against the nape of my neck. His kiss feels intimate, loving. A surge of emotion instantly chokes me, and I realize Kade is like quicksand, drawing me in, killing me softly.

  I turn and offer my mouth to him, stealing a few more moments together. He kisses me as if he wants to drown me in the depths of his passion.

  He kisses me as if he won’t ever let me go.

  I melt into him. If all kisses are like this one, then I want him to kiss me forever and never let me go.

  Eventually, he lets go.

  Taking a couple of deep breaths, I try to remember what it was that was so important.

  “You’re late, Vicky,” Kade reminds me, reading my thoughts. “Don’t make any plans for tonight. We need to talk.”

  “About what?”

  He winks, but his expression is dead serious. “You’ll see.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Vicky

  It’s barely lunch, but the day already feels like it’ll never end. Minutes feel like hours, and hours like centuries. I try to focus on the morning session, and the cognitive behavioral therapy following right after, but all I can think about are Kade’s words. Kade’s lips. Kade’s touch. It seems as though he isn’t just occupying all my thoughts; he’s in every part of my body.

  Of course, he couldn’t have possibly meant what he said, yet a part of me can’t help but wonder what could happen between us if his feelings were real.

  Sylvie nudges me, drawing my attention back to her. “Are you attending the dance therapy?”

  I stare at her, absentminded for a few seconds, as her words slowly sink in. I used to love dancing, not just because it used to be my outlet and the only way I could ever forget my worries. Maybe it’ll help me take my mind off Kade. “Count me in.”

  Kade wasn’t at the group session. He didn’t get lunch. The day’s finally coming to an end while the growing uncertainty in the pit of my stomach seems to be increasing. The more I think of him, the more I’m not sure what to think and make of him.

  “You’re crushing, aren’t you?”

  I blink. “What?”

  “It’s so obvious that you two are an item,” Sylvie says matter-of-factly. “You need to be careful. Someone was transferred yesterday because they did it in the lounge room and the staff saw them.”

  I don’t feel like denying the obvious. For one, Sylvie would never believe it. And then there’s also the fact that I trust her. “I thought you said everyone does it.”

  “Of course. Doesn’t mean it’s allowed though. The worst place you could ever choose is the library.”

  I almost choke on my drink. “What?”

  “They have hidden cameras in there, probably to keep people from stealing books. Some people apparently didn’t know and did it anyway. The hooking-up part, not stealing books. No one wants those.”

  All the blood rushes from my body.

  I feel so faint, I might pass out.

  “Since when does the library have cameras?”

  She stares at me like I’m from outer space. “Duh. Like forever.” Her brows shoot up. “I’ve heard someone’s about to get into a lot of trouble.”

  “How do you know?” I whisper.

  “Why are you so weird?” Her expression turns suspicious. I open my mouth to lie when awareness flickers in her eyes. “Wait…Don’t tell me… you…”

  I nod, closing my eyes.

  When I open my eyes again, Sylvie’s staring at me.

  “Please don’t tell me you did it in the back of the room.”

  “We did.”

  “Fuck.” She shakes her head. “What are we talking about? First base?” I shake my head. “Second bas
e? Shit. Third base. What the hell!”

  My cheeks flame up. “We went all the way, all the bases covered. And probably more.”

  “You’re going to be in a shitload of trouble.”

  “Are you sure the cameras are real?”

  “Absolutely positive.”

  “Oh, God.” I draw a deep breath, but no oxygen seems to be reaching my lungs. “Someone must have watched the video.”

  Sylvie’s fingers wrap around my hand, forcing me to face her. “That’s not the worst. There’s going to be this huge announcement.”

  “How do you know?”

  “My therapist hinted at it this morning.”

  “Right.” This is getting worse by the minute. “Did he tell you how to get out of this one?”

  “I can’t ask him without him getting suspicious.”

  “I have to warn Kade.” I jump to my feet when Vicky’s hand stops me.

  “It’s too late.”

  “Why?”

  “I saw him in the main office earlier today. The doors were open, so I didn’t think much of it. I thought he was picking up a parcel or something. But now I’m pretty sure that’s why he was there. Other people were with him. To be honest, it all looked pretty strange.”

  My heart jumps into my throat. “Then I should be there with him.”

  “That was before the group session. It’s probably over now.”

  That was probably the reason why Kade didn’t attend.

  I plop back down onto the chair. “What am I going to do?”

  “Nothing. You just wait.”

  “But I’m as much to blame as Kade. I have to tell them. I have to explain the situation.”

  “Hey, look at me.” She squeezes my arm hard. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “He’ll probably try to take the fall. I can’t let him do that.” The moment the words leave my mouth I know they’re true. I know it’s the reason why no one bothered to call me in to explain myself.

  “Are you sure?” Sylvie asks.

  I nod and force a reassuring smile to my lips.