Adrenaline: An Ode to Love and Heartbreak

by Sunniva Dee

  It’s surprisingly easy to get a last-minute flight out of Deepsilver, and Bo drives me to the airport. I feel weird about leaving him behind.

  “I’ll water the plants,” he says, winking at me. “My plane leaves early tomorrow anyway. It’s okay.”

  Before I pass through security, I hug my Bo again. My friend Bo. I’ll miss him, but it’s not the all-encompassing sensation I used to get. “Thank you,” I hum against his ear. “Thank you for coming and staying with me through this.”

  “Hmm, if only I hadn’t made things worse.”

  I won’t tell him about my epiphany. I have no wish to hurt him, make him feel inadequate instead of me. Who knows if he’ll ever love anyone the way he loved me when he was eighteen. Even back then—perhaps he’s right; maybe Bo’s love muscle isn’t like mine: strong as fucking hell. Perhaps he’s not made to love this completely.

  “You being here with me helped more than you’ll ever know,” I whisper, and he pulls back and holds my gaze.

  Love can be so amazing. If Bo knew how much, how big one can feel, he’d be devastated not to own it. Slowly, he nods, accepting my cryptic reply. He seems to realize he’s better off not learning the details too.

  “That Dan guy is there, right, if something happens?” he asks again.

  “Yeah.” I smile. Wave as I head through security with my backpack. I’m still dressed as if I’m about to go clubbing. “Yeah, he is.”

  Yes. This was the right decision. As our plane lands and Dan eyes me like I’m a rabid animal, adrenaline kicks in and whooshes raw through my muscles. Ingela’s a small niggling kernel in a recess of my brain, and the Cloud Bridge will obliterate the ex in her room. Her bed. The feel of her skin against me. Her—

  Fucking enough.

  “They better not have misplaced our bags,” I bark.

  Thankfully, the gear arrives safely, and we’re off to the hotel in a rented car.

  “No, two queens for the princess, here, and me,” Dan tells the receptionist. “Should be under Cameron Falck.”

  I need a nap and a shit-ton of pain meds. I’ll stick to ibuprofen, though, because we’re heading up there while it’s dark to confirm—or reject—my theory of the best breakin route. The thing is pretty damn guarded, probably against people like me.

  “You should’ve checked with the tribe who owns it,” Dan says as we leave the hotel.

  “They don’t allow base jumping so no use.”

  “Then we shouldn’t do it.” He’s going through the motions, repeating himself, his face blank as he spends no energy on convincing me. We both know it’s futile. Even though he’s annoying as hell, Dan’s a real buddy. He’s not jumping today, and yet he’s here with me for company. Babysitting or whatever.

  “You’re the princess, dude,” I explain to him out of nowhere. “Oooh, I’m so scared of flying all of a sudden.”

  “Right, dickhead. I’m not the one going all soft over a chick.”

  “You think this is going soft over a chick?” I wave out from our vantage point at the top of the rocks. The view of the Cloud Bridge and the plunge below is fucking breathtaking.

  “No, I believe this is my friend wimping out on facing his issues with said chick and trying to appear brave to himself and—”

  “Screw you. What, are you a psychologist now?”

  “I don’t know, am I?” he says stupidly. I roll my eyes at him, which hurts like a motherfucker. I need to stop doing idiotic things that add knife stabs to my brain.

  I buy a throwaway phone at the airport and call Cam again. All I get is a busy signal before it goes straight to voicemail. Same with Dan’s. I don’t bother leaving messages. I’m going to keep calling, bugging them until they pick up anyway.

  I have a single layover, but my next plane stands on the ground with all passengers strapped in and ready for two full hours. By the time they’ve mumbled off their apologies over a missing flight attendant and we’re rolling down the runway, it’s freaking late and I’m worried as hell.

  We land an hour and a half later. It’s early morning, but I’m counting on Cameron not being suicidal and getting ready to base jump in the dark. I mean—what would be the point in that, right?

  Four Diamonds. I pay the taxi driver to get me there fast, fast, and he does, accepting my forty percent tip for the effort with unsurprised stride.

  “I’m sorry, but out of privacy concerns for our customers, we can’t give you your boyfriend’s room number,” the receptionist explains patiently. Even at four in the morning, she’s got perfect eyeliner and glossy lipstick.

  “Ah yes, I understand,” I say, “but his mother is sick, which is why I’m here. Cameron’s phone battery must be dead, and I need to make sure he’s aware.”

  Since no one is insane enough to make up stories about close family members, the girl’s eyes turn serious. “Oh, I’m sorry… I wish I could—”

  “Please.” I pin her with a pathetic gaze.

  “I can’t jeopardize my job, but I can call him for you. What’s his full name?”

  Not sure how they form their phone numbers at Four Diamonds, but she first dials a 2 then a 1. After that, she catches me staring and covers the keys.

  The phone rings and rings, and Cameron doesn’t answer. I want to knock on every door until I find him. What are my options after this? Stay in the lobby and wait for them to come down, all loaded with wingsuits and crap?

  I eye the couches in the lobby. They’re big and comfortable. Cameron must be planning to make this stunt happen before the Cloud Bridge employees arrive, so a wait down here shouldn’t drag on.

  Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.

  I can’t take my chances on dropping my backpack off in the room I’ve reserved because Cameron and Dan could exit in the short time I’m upstairs. I flop on the couch and wait. The cushions are deep and warm. Comfortable. I sink down just enough to relax. I wait.

  My eyelids. They’re heavy.

  But I wait. The time until sunrise is short. They can’t possibly go to the Cloud Bridge after opening hours.

  I blink slowly. Slowly.

  And wait.

  Back at Four Diamonds, Dan dozes off first. He snores and scratches that dirty scraggle-beard of his. I wonder if he’s got bugs in there by now.

  I can’t sleep.

  Ingela’s probably snuggled up in her ex’s arms. They’ve finished fucking, and she’s all warm and sweet like a cat, squirming in his hold, the way she always—

  Shit.

  I sit up and swallow another handful of ibuprofen. Wash them down with a trickle of lukewarm beer from the nightstand.

  At four in the morning, the landline whistles. Everything’s loud at this hour anyway, but with a slowly receding—hopefully receding—concussion, it’s even louder. So I unplug it and go back to sleep.

  At five, Dan and I start moving. We don’t say much. Just get dressed, grab my gear, and head off.

  Damn, the mountains are gorgeous this morning. The sun grows pink, then orange, accentuating the red rock greeting us as we drive higher, higher, and climb down to hit the Cloud Bridge. We meet no, absolutely no restrictions. No guards, no cars, no early tourists, no nothing, and I know this is meant to be.

  If there is a god, he’s letting me do this. To have an experience that completely overshadows my short-lived bliss with this girl who seemed so perfect for me. What’s perfect is this, the deep red valley beneath me that sings praise to gravity and the body I’ll launch at it in just a minute.

  Dan helps me strap the parachute tight like I’m not a pro at this. He’s nervous, eyes flicking around for authorities, while all I feel is peace.

  “If anyone can do this jump, it’s you, Cam. You know that’s true. But I’d prefer to turn around and leave with you, not alone. Let’s party tonight. Pick up a few girls. Hell, you can have another threesome—in this kind of tourist place, it shouldn’t be hard to get that going.”

  “Naw, threesomes are overrated. This, though, I haven’t d
one before. Which is why it kicks ass.” I chuckle as I plod out to the farthest bend of the glass bridge. Look down through the floor and then over the edge. Dan steadies me as I climb up on the railing.

  “Inga talked about having exorcised her ex a few weeks ago,” I continue. “She went and slept with him. I know that’s what she did. The exorcism didn’t work because now he’s in Deepsilver fucking her again. Yep, so sex doesn’t work for either of us in the exorcism department.”

  I raise my hands to my sides, high, wide, in the shape of that giant Jesus statue over Rio de Janeiro. Like me, he too has an amazing view. Maybe he holds his arms out because he’d like to fly as well.

  Fly away from everything—not just plunge.

  “This’ll work, Dan. I’m getting myself back, okay? When you pick me up, there, at the bottom, you’ll find the real Cameron again. The fun friend you haven’t seen in a while.”

  “Damn, dude. Hold a speech, will ya?” he mutters. “Just bounce off the fucking thing. I’ll take the car down. Hopefully I’ll get to you before the police.”

  And so I do.

  I jump awake with a start, pain shooting up from my shoulder to the back of my neck from a stray muscle. I sit up, look around, and see the same lady working the counter as when I arrived.

  “Excuse me,” I croak out as I stand. Shit, I should have asked her to wake me up if I fell asleep. Or at least tell me if Cam and Dan came down. “Did they leave yet?” I ask.

  She glances at me before continuing her paper-pushing. “I’m not sure if your boyfriend was one of them, but two men about your age left thirty minutes ago.”

  I swallow. “He’s blond, green-blue eyes, tall—both of them are tall—and probably carrying or wearing… mountain climbing gear. The other one has sort of a beard going.”

  She nods out a yes. “Sounds like them. One of them wore a red sports uniform, but hanging on his hips and not pulled up all the way.”

  Definitely Cam.

  “Thank you,” I say and run outside. Then, I realize I need a cab. Before I realize I have no idea where I’m going. Are there several entrances to the Cloud Bridge? I only know the public entrance—the one that should be used.

  Crap. I sink down on the hotel curb. Puff out my frustration. Open my phone and try Cam first with no response. Next, I dial Dan—who picks up on the first ring. What in the world?

  “Dan!” I yell into the microphone. “Where are you guys? Please don’t let him do this.”

  “Uh, Inga?”

  “Yes, yes. Stop him! I’m here in Red Boulder, at your hotel. He can’t do this—it’s crazy.”

  “Oh believe me, I’m aware of this. It’s done, though.”

  I cover my mouth with my hand. “What do you mean ‘it’s done?’ Where are you, then?” I think better of it and shout, “Put him on!”

  “Calm down, will you? I’m driving down to get him.”

  “He jumped without you? What sort of a friend are you? You fucking piece of—”

  “Damn, you’re a handful. How does he put up with you, Inga? I mean, you’re out of your mind.”

  I hit the phone against the brick, hard. “Yeah, you think so? Well, guess who’s nuts?”

  “Cameron?” he asks.

  I breathe fast. He’s right. “Okay. Okay. Tell me where to meet you, and I’ll be there when he lands.”

  “He has landed already. It takes him no time to land.”

  God I wish the idiot were here so I could slap him silly. I bash the cell into the curb again. Then, I press it to my ear and growl, “Pick me up immediately, or I swear I’ll crush your, uh, Adam’s fruit the next time I see you.”

  “What the hell’s that?”

  “Just. Come.”

  My threat works. Ten minutes later, Dan pulls up in a bright orange rent-a-car. He doesn’t even look at me when I seat myself and slam the door closed.

  “Don’t for a minute think I’d pick you up if the hotel weren’t on the way there. I’d get my friend ten times before I gave you a ride, Inga.”

  “You sound like a fucking five-year-old. A jealous one too,” I quip back.

  He ignores my reply as he pulls out of the hotel parking lot. “It’s all your fault, you know. You’ve bitch-slapped my best buddy,” he mutters.

  “Yeah? Seems to me you’re the problem when Cameron’s at the bottom of the deepest canyon in the history of man while you’re snug and safe in your little stupid pay-car.” I’m so mad I can’t even swear anymore.

  “Ha, like anyone can stop him. Cam jumping the Cloud Bridge is him showing how he is who he used to be before you started messing with his head. And now he’s not answering his phone.”

  “Oh really? Because neither of you have used your phones in ages. You should be in that ravine or valley or whatever it is,” I say, “not Cam. Because he rocks, and you don’t.” Yep, Dan sucks.

  At a traffic light, he finally meets my glare. “I don’t know what your game is, lady, but if you don’t quit destroying my buddy, I swear I’ll—”

  “I’m not destroying anyone. You just don’t understand. So typical. Guys, you always…”

  Dan turning up the music to tune me out suits me. I’m tired of him. All I want is to find Cameron. When I do, I’m going to make him listen to every single word I have to say.

  I jump wide and far to not hit the wall as I fall. The clouds simmer like smoke below me, and I penetrate them in seconds. They’re cold, beautiful, merciful. Oblivious to what my life has become.

  The rush is more complete than I’ve ever experienced. Each muscle trembles with a powerful sort of adrenaline. This is me, who I am—what I’ve always wanted.

  Yes, let me die young and live to the fullest before I do. In this instant, nothing matters, because it’s me, the sky, the dirt below me, and my fragile existence.

  I roar out my relief as I dive, roll, frolic in the vast air around me. Dan shouts above me. I’m not dick enough to scare him further so I open my arms, hinder the wind with the wings of my suit. I even spread my legs to slow the fall a tiny bit.

  The ground shoots up faster than I want, though. As I plummet, I wonder if Dan would drive me back up for another go. One more jump. Just one. Fuck, I’d die for another jump…

  The parachute deploys nicely, and everything’s perfect. It throws my legs sideways like a rag doll before leaving me hanging until I hit the ground in slow motion. I can count on one hand the times I’ve calculated things this well. Red fabric flows over me, so I run forward and kick it behind me. I don’t even get knocked to my knees today.

  “Fuck yeah,” I yell, the echo zipping back at me from the mountainside. “Wooh-hooh!”

  Then, I see them.

  The police.

  Cameron is nowhere. We scour the whole valley, and Dan and I fight the entire time. We’re both scared shitless for him.

  “It’s a good sign, though,” I say.

  Dan grumbles. “Not really. He’s probably at the hospital.”

  “No, douche! What he did is illegal. Let’s check with the local police. That’s where he is, Dan, okay? That’s where he is.”

  Back in town, we stride into the tiny police station. When we ask for Cameron Falck, the corpulent elder officer meeting us lowers bushy eyebrows and waves us inward.

  I’m so relieved I groan out loud when I register him. Cameron is with his back to us by a small wooden desk inside a glass cubicle. One officer paces and talks while another slouches and glowers with arms crossed in a leather chair.

  Every line in Cameron’s body speaks of pain and exhaustion. Broad shoulders slope forward. With two fingers he rubs his unscathed temple. I notice the tension in his neck all the way from here, and I feel like kneading it out. That silly, silly man. I love him. He’s hurting, he’s in trouble, but he does look whole. That’s all I care about. Everything else can be figured out.

  We’re instructed to wait outside the office. The man who brought us here cracks the door and talks in a low voice to what seems to be his s
uperior. I watch as Cameron turns his head painfully slow. His face—

  Is so beautiful to me.

  My heart jumpstarts, and I can’t stop a wide grin from taking me over. Cam’s eyes go huge with surprise, pupils shrinking in favor of that light green color they take on sometimes.

  Inga? he mouths.

  Yes, I form back.

  Those sweet lips I love to kiss edge up in a tentative smile. I get up, ready to leap inside, but Dan holds me back before the police officer can step in.

  “Shhh, wait,” he says low and surprisingly on my side. I’d have thought he’d throw me to the dogs if he could.

  On impulse, I grab my bright red lipstick from my purse and apply it. Cameron’s focus is on me through the glass, floating down to my lips. My stomach contracts with love for him, like we’re in this together even though we’re not.

  This flawed, wild, lovable dork. I don’t know how it happened. How after everything in my life, I’m in this situation. I suppress a smirk. Press my lips together and pout them into a quick air kiss at him. He shakes his head once, like I’m the bonkers one.

  “Really?” I say out loud.

  The policeman behind the desk hijacks Cameron’s attention to make him sign on what must be a dotted line. It’s so cliché, I think—although what’s cliché about the law doing its job?

  I’m in dire need of having this boy hold me. Or me hold him. Yeah. That.

  I swing to the officer who planted us outside the door. Poke my nonexistent boobs out like girls in the movies do to attract attention. Then, I tilt my head the tiniest bit and ask, “Can I please say ‘hi’ to my boyfriend? I think it’ll be good for the, um…” What do I know—I can’t hear what they’re talking about in there. “…negotiations.”

  “Ingela,” Dan wheezes to shut me up, but I’ve got my lucky lipstick on and it’s working. Our policeman has beautiful skin, I notice out of nowhere. Even beneath the hard-hearted ceiling light, his pores shine clear and healthy.

  The man behind the desk tightens folded arms as I enter. Cameron twists in his seat. When he makes to get up, the pacing police officer gives off a dog-like correction, to the effect of “nu-huh-huh,” and my sweetheart relaxes in his seat, focus still on me.