"What else do you miss?"
"Number one has to be my bed," Gretchen spoke firmly. "And number two is razors. I should have brought books and I miss my body scrubber. No matter how much time I spend in the water, I still feel grungy."
Carrie laughed. "But it's good for the soul to be grungy once in a while."
"Who told you that? If you can't find enlightenment when you're clean, I don't want any. Pleasure is as good for the soul as suffering. Maybe even better."
"You have a point," Carrie admitted.
Gretchen crossed her legs and looked at Carrie. "Will you teach me how to skip rocks now?"
Skipping rocks turned into a walk, which led to swimming, then stretching out in the afternoon sun and hiding in the shade to avoid burning. Through it all, they talked. One topic inevitably led to another and time ceased to exist. Carrie was lost in a golden moment of sensual and emotional intimacy. Being with Gretchen felt so perfect it took on the quality of a dream. She made no effort to understand it or explain it-it just was.
Eventually it occurred to her that it was getting late and if she wanted to get back to camp before dark and her brothers came looking for her, she had better get a move on. She put it off as long as she could, but the falling sun was relentless. "I need to get back to camp," she finally conceded.
Gretchen sighed. "Me, too. How far is your camp?"
"A mile? A mile and a half? I'm not sure. If I leave now I should get back before it gets dark."
Gretchen got up and pulled her to her feet. "I didn't see a flashlight in your pack. You should go."
Carrie collected her clothes and stuffed everything in her pack without speaking. She couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't cheapen the memory of their day. Before hefting the pack she turned to Gretchen and sighed.
"I had the best day," Gretchen said quietly. "I…um…could I…can I hug you?"
Carrie felt as awkward as a 12-year-old until they embraced. Her strength vanished at the feel of Gretchen in her arms and she wasn't sure she would ever be able to let go. Gretchen was a little shorter, but their bodies fit like puzzle pieces. "This is the best part of the whole day," she murmured.
"I knew it would be," Gretchen whispered.
They finally separated and Carrie saw Gretchen wipe at her eyes. She felt a little like crying, too, so she didn't say anything. She swung the pack up to her back and looked downstream.
"I know you're with your family," Gretchen said haltingly, "but maybe we could do this again."
Carrie felt life flowing back into her. "Can you come tomorrow?"
Gretchen's smile was almost painful to see. "I'll bring lunch."
"I'll bring more beer. And the sunscreen."
"I'll meet you halfway," Gretchen offered.
Carrie turned her memory of the river over in her mind and found a place. "There's a small sandy beach three or four turns downstream that gets sun in the morning. There's a willow tree growing out of a split rock across the river from it. I'll meet you there as soon as I can get away."
"I can't wait." Gretchen shooed her with her hands. "Go, before it gets too late."
"See you tomorrow," Carrie said. She started out along the shore with a quick pace, anxious to make good time. Before she was completely out of sight she turned to take one last look and could see Gretchen standing as she had left her. A hand raised and Carrie waved back before continuing on her trek.
~***~
Chapter Two
Alone again, Gretchen suddenly felt vulnerable and she shook out her clothes carefully before putting them back on. It felt very strange at first and almost uncomfortable. She laughed at how quickly she had come to find nudity normal. The entire day had been like a dream of the very best sort and she was sad that it had been necessary to let it end. She had never connected with someone quite the way she had with Carrie and it gave her hope.
As she headed reluctantly back to her camp, Gretchen replayed images from the day. She had been terrified in the first moment she realized she wasn't alone, but terror had faded to incredulity at the sight of a naked woman. When Carrie had fallen into the river after rescuing her shoe, Gretchen had shaken her head to clear it and rubbed her eyes only to see a dark, svelte woman rising from the water full of life and energy and…something…maybe joy in merely being alive. Gretchen had been drawn to her at once.
Carrie's features would not be termed classically beautiful by most people-there was too much of a chiseled quality to the structure of her face. She fell somewhere in the midst of handsome, striking and elegant. Her eyes and mouth were her best facial features in Gretchen's opinion. She couldn't remember ever seeing that exact shade of light-almost golden-brown in anyone's eyes before and Carrie's lips were full enough to tempt the dead. Her dark, nearly black hair fell to her shoulders in a smooth sloping line. She was thin, but strong, and Gretchen had been able to see most of her bone structure. She had small, perfectly shaped breasts, a concave stomach and narrow, tight hips. Gretchen thought her remarkably lovely.
In her mind's eye, she watched Carrie laughing, eating, smiling, listening and soaking in the sun. Gretchen had not been able to help flirting. She didn't think she had overdone it, except possibly when she had deliberately pressed her breasts into Carrie's back while investigating the horrific scar on her scalp. If not for the sick feeling it had given her, she might very well have borne Carrie to the ground right then and taken her chances. Almost from the first moment she had been incredibly attracted to her. Now she was glad she hadn't done it. She was reasonably certain Carrie would have been willing, but she had found their emotional intimacy to be far more meaningful to her than any passionate expression could have been. Not that she was against the idea of making love, but better after having connected with her than before. Gretchen wasn't sure what the morrow would bring, but even if it was only more talking, that was plenty exciting enough for her.
Gretchen was back in camp before she was mentally prepared for it. She halted abruptly at the disgusted tone of Linda's voice.
"Finally! We were getting ready to come looking for you. We didn't know if you were hurt or dead or lost or what!"
"I'm fine," Gretchen said calmly. "I was only about 30 minutes away."
"We didn't know that!"
Gretchen shrugged. "Well, now you do."
Rachel stepped in front of Linda and smiled. "Did you have a nice day?"
Gretchen couldn't keep a smile from her face. "Perfect. Really, I can't remember when I've had a better or more…rewarding day." She glanced at Linda and couldn't resist. "Thanks for asking."
"We have to look out for each other up here," Linda insisted.
"No harm was done," Rachel said to soothe things. "She's back now and it's not even dark."
Gretchen thought of Carrie, still most likely making her way downstream and hoped that she was all right. Ignoring Linda, she walked over to their supplies and got a drink of water. She drank two full glasses before her thirst seemed to diminish.
"What did you do all day?" Brooke asked.
Gretchen took an empty lawn chair and stretched her legs out with a sigh. "I laid in the sun. I learned how to skip rocks. I opened myself up to the beauty all around me." I think I fell in love. "This is a wonderful spot, Rachel. I'm glad I came."
"I'm glad you like it. Does this mean you've gotten over not having a toilet and showers?"
Gretchen giggled. "Not entirely, but almost."
Wendy's voice was small. "You must be starving."
"Thirsty, mostly."
"I still say she shouldn't have wandered off like that," Linda said. "Anything could have happened."
"Lighten up, Linda." Noreen came to Gretchen's defense. "Sometimes people need a little time alone. It helps put things in perspective."
"I think I'll go out again tomorrow," Gretchen said while they were thinking about it anyway. "It felt good to be alone. I knew that all of you were here for me, but it was kind of like having only myself to rely on. I
know it was only an illusion, but I think it was good for me. I feel happier and more relaxed in my skin after today and I'd like to see if it was a one time thing or if I feel the same tomorrow."
Every one was looking at her with different expressions ranging from anger and fear to curiosity and jealousy. "I think it would be wise if I took a lunch though. I didn't realize how much I would need one. Is that all right with you, Rachel?"
"You won't go too far?"
Gretchen laughed in relief. "Not more than a 45 minute walk or so. And I'll stay very close to the river. I may be stubborn, but I'm not stupid. I'll be careful."
Rachel shrugged. "Then I don't see why not. I'm reluctant to put limits on anyone, but if you're not back an hour before it starts to get dark, we'll come looking for you."
"That sounds more than fair."
Kirsten and Brooke were in charge of making dinner and Gretchen wandered down to sit at the water's edge. Her tent mates, Wendy and Noreen, joined her.
"Weren't you scared all by yourself?" Wendy asked.
"At first I was a little nervous," Gretchen admitted. "My outdoor experience has always been limited to backyards and city parks. But after a while, when bears and mountain lions and rattlesnakes didn't attack me, I started to relax. I almost felt as if there was someone there watching out for me and I knew that nothing bad would happen."
"You seem happier," Noreen said.
Gretchen smiled. "It was like a dream. I felt free and safe and peaceful. I didn't ever want it to end. For a while I was just me-no expectations or rules or disapproval. I can hardly wait to go back."
"Linda started in on forming up a rescue party about two hours after you left," Noreen snorted with dry humor. "You look perfectly capable of taking care of yourself to me, but you know how Linda is."
"She's bossy," Wendy said shyly.
Gretchen looked at Wendy in surprise. She hardly ever said anything so forthright about anyone. Wanting to be supportive of her opinion without being condescending, Gretchen rubbed her back with a wide smile. "I think so, too." Wendy blushed and Gretchen thought it adorable.
"She can't help it," Noreen added. "She does it when she's worried and scared. Usually when she feels threatened, but today I think she was genuinely worried about you. For her own reasons, of course."
"Really? What reasons?"
"Well, I'm just guessing, but I don't think she feels safe here. She doesn't know how to survive on her own in the wilderness and every little sound is a potential threat. That's part of why she follows Rachel around more than usual. When she gets scared she gets mad to protect herself. That's why she jumped on you when you got back."
Gretchen thought it over and it made sense. "Perhaps, but I, for one, would appreciate it if she weren't so tenacious about it. One would think she's afraid of everything."
"She probably is."
Reluctant to feel sympathy for Linda, Gretchen picked up a smooth, flat rock and got to her feet. "Prepare to be impressed," she bragged. Remembering to keep her arm loose and low, she flicked the rock over the water's surface and watched it skip 5 times before skidding and sinking. "Beat that!"
Everyone got into the contest with varying degrees of competitiveness. Brooke and Kirsten even took turns from cooking to give it a try and by the time the sun disappeared, Brooke had emerged the undisputed winner with somewhere between 10 and 12 skips, depending on who had counted. Linda had nine clear skips and the look she gave Gretchen's eight skips said that winning wasn't as important to her as being better than Gretchen.
She had to wonder how Carrie would handle Linda. She doubted Carrie would long tolerate her supercilious attitude, but how she would put a stop to it was a mystery. She did know that Carrie would have taken the contest easily. She had regularly made throws over ten-her lean, taut body like a whip as it gracefully coiled back and struck!
Gretchen laughed at herself for being so inordinately proud of Carrie's rock skipping prowess. It didn't seem like much in the scheme of things, but it was something.
There was more laughter than usual during dinner and Gretchen wondered why. The others claimed not to have done anything special aside from trying to learn how to weave wild grasses into baskets under Rachel's direction. Gretchen was actually rather impressed with the baskets. Most of them were a little funny looking, but they had held together and she expressed enthusiasm for their efforts. Linda had nothing to show as she had destroyed it for not being perfect. Gretchen felt a flicker of pity for her.
She and Noreen were the after dinner clean-up crew and she pressured Noreen into letting her handle it alone to 'make up for worrying everyone'. She wouldn't have minded working with Noreen, but she wanted to be alone with her thoughts.
I wonder what she's doing right this minute. Maybe she's washing the dishes, too. Gretchen grinned. Can I get any cornier? She's probably sitting around the fire with her family and I'll bet they're laughing and joking. At least they have beer. I wonder if Carrie is telling them about meeting me. I wonder what they think about her meeting me tomorrow. I wonder if they're as great as she seems to think they are. If they can be judged by how she is, they might be. It hardly matters though. I'll probably never meet them. Gretchen glanced at her companions. Ah, jeez. Brooke is crying again. I suppose I shouldn't resent it-I know how painful it is to be cheated on. Lord knows it's happened often enough to me. I wonder if Carrie would…? She shook her head with distaste at the direction of her thoughts. Don't even think about it. A couple more days and I'll never see her again. It's a good thing Janelle isn't here. We've been friends so long she would know in a heartbeat that I spent the day with someone special.
Gretchen puttered as long as she could and eventually felt she had no option but to join the others. She stuck a marshmallow on a stick and held it over the coals as Brooke continued to wallow in self-pity.
"…I mean, how many times in your life does love happen to you? What if Kimmy was my last time?"
"Come now!" Rachel laughed. "You're only what? Twenty-six? You've got another 40 or 50 years of life ahead of you. Do you really think that you'll never love anyone again?"
"I'm saying…what if?" Brooke cried. "The way I felt about her-it was so strong and so pure-what if I never feel that way again?"
"You probably won't," Kirsten said matter-of-factly. "People aren't exactly the same. Why should love be exactly the same?"
Gretchen knew she was right, having experienced different kinds and levels of love herself, but Brooke looked crushed and disbelieving.
"Usually," Noreen added, "the more you do something, the better at it you'll be-if you learn from your mistakes. I look at every relationship in terms of what I learned from it."
Linda cocked her head with interest. "What did you learn from Terri?"
"I learned that when someone says 'I don't want to hurt you', it means they know something you don't."
Linda laughed with understanding and leaned over the fire to high five Noreen. A trickle of laughter followed the gesture-except for Brooke. Gretchen could tell she wasn't getting it.
Rachel took Brooke's hand. "What did you learn with Kimmy? When you look back over your relationship with her is there anything that stands out?"
"Everything!" Brooke wailed. "She taught me how to love and what it means to be a lesbian and…"
"That's not what we mean," Kirsten said impatiently. "What did you learn about how you relate to another person in an intimate relationship? What was your biggest mistake?"
Brooke was clueless. She looked about for help and found none. Gretchen stopped feeling sorry for her. She seemed to be oblivious to anything but self-pity and grief. Gretchen was far more interested in her marshmallow. She just about had it to a perfect golden brown-the same color as Carrie's eyes-and she was looking forward to eating it.
"Maybe you could think about it," Rachel suggested. "What about you, Wendy? What did you learn?"
Wendy spoke quietly, but with a small measure of confidence. "That it takes more
than words to make a commitment. It takes honor and integrity and faith."
Gretchen nodded in agreement and smiled as Wendy's eyes touched hers.
"What about you, Gretchen?"
She looked over at Kirsten and wished she hadn't asked. "That I should stop handing out house keys indiscriminately."
There was a smattering of laughter, but Kirsten leaned forward intently. "That may be true, but you're avoiding the question."
Gretchen nodded and inspected her marshmallow again. "I guess I learned that women don't communicate directly and that when they communicate something indirectly on a regular basis, you should listen."
"What do you mean?" Linda asked.
"Well…?" Gretchen popped the marshmallow into her mouth while she worked out how to explain. "Women don't say 'I want to do this or that'. Instead, they'll say 'I'd like to…' or 'Wouldn't it be nice if…' or 'I wish that…'. We tend not to say what we want. We hint at it. And we rarely tell people what to do-even if we get paid to. We ask and we suggest. I would never say 'Give that to me'. I'd probably say 'Would you please hand that to me?' Or 'Could I get you to hand me that?' Do you see what I'm saying?"
"Yeah," Noreen said slowly. "Now that you mention it, it makes sense. I'm a supervisor at work and a lot of times I'll tell the men to do something and they brush me off. It always kind of blew me away, but now that I'm thinking about it, I always ask them to do things. Like they have an option. I feel like I'm telling them to do things, but I'm not."
"Exactly," Gretchen nodded. "The second part of what I learned is that when a woman suggests or wonders about the same thing repeatedly, she wants it. And sooner or later, if you don't help her do something about it, she'll find an opportunity to get it on her own. Maybe if I had understood that before, I would have seen what Alaine was going to do. She talked about it often enough-I just never took it as a serious desire. Maybe if I had I could have protected myself."
Kirsten nodded sagely. "Interesting."
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