Noreen looked at Kirsten. "What did you learn?"
Kirsten seemed unusually somber as she spoke. "You never know when it's the last time, so give every single time your complete and undivided attention."
Gretchen caught Rachel's look of utter sympathy for Kirsten out of the corner of her eye. She had never heard Kirsten's story. Only that her last lover had left because she wasn't getting what she needed. Whatever that was.
Her thoughts turned again to Carrie and she stretched her feet out towards the fire. She tuned out the ongoing conversation and stared up at the stars. The air was so clear up in the mountains and without the lights of the city to interfere there looked to be 10 times as many stars as she was accustomed to. The Big Dipper was the only constellation she recognized and she found herself wishing she knew the names of the others. There were planets in the night sky as well, but she didn't know which part of the sky to look in to find them and how to tell them from stars. Carrie would know. She just knew she would.
She imagined lying in Carrie's arms and following her finger as her husky voice pointed out which stars belonged in which constellations and the stories ancient peoples had devised to explain them.
"What do you think, Gretchen?"
Her head popped up as if on a string. "Excuse me?"
Linda sighed impatiently. "Love at first sight. Do you believe in it or not?"
Gretchen looked at the expectant faces and thought of the incomparable day she had just experienced. "I don't know."
"That's it? I don't know?" Linda sneered. "You usually have so much more to say. I'm a little disappointed in you."
Gretchen sighed as obviously as she could without flouncing. Linda's attitude had just crossed the line. "I seem to do that a lot, Linda. My opinions usually seem to set you off. I thought I'd keep it simple for once and see if that made you feel any better about me."
Linda's eyes opened wide and she asked with disbelief, "Are you patronizing me?"
Gretchen shrugged insolently. "I'm a little tired of being patronized, so I guess I am."
"I'm not patronizing you." Linda seemed mad and confused at the same time. As if she weren't sure what she was supposed to feel.
Gretchen, on the other hand, was quite certain she was angry and she made every effort to keep herself under control. "No matter what I say or do, I feel like you don't approve of me. It feels like you scoff at my opinions, dismiss my ideas and mock my feelings. It seems like you find it amusing when it's my turn to clean up. It looked to me like the most important thing to you about the rock skipping contest was that you beat me. I feel slighted and ridiculed at every turn. I don't know what it is about me that you take offense at, but you go right ahead. You don't intimidate me a bit. You just piss me off." Gretchen stood abruptly and looked at the open-mouthed expressions on the other women. "I apologize to the rest of you for this little tantrum. I hope it doesn't ruin the rest of your evening."
Gretchen took a deep breath and shook her arms as if shaking off water. She felt calmer immediately. "I've had a really long day. I'm going to bed. Good night."
Gretchen was inside the tent she shared with Wendy and Noreen before the conversation picked back up.
"I am not patronizing her," Linda insisted.
"I've got to be honest." Noreen said clearly. "You sounded patronizing to me."
"What did I say?"
The quiver in Brooke's voice was gone. "You told her that you were disappointed in her for not having more of an opinion."
"But that's not patronizing!" Linda objected.
"What was it then?" Rachel asked. "How did you want her to feel when you said it?"
There was a long silent moment and Gretchen could barely hear Wendy.
"I like Gretchen."
"So do I," Kirsten said.
Except for Linda, the others chimed their agreement and Gretchen smiled as she prepared for bed. She truly didn't care one way or the other about how her relationship with Linda turned out. She had said what she wanted to say and it was done. She zipped her sleeping bag all the way up, curled on her side, fixed Carrie firmly in her mind and went to sleep.
~***~
Chapter Three
Gretchen was the first to wake in the morning. She carefully got out of her sleeping bag and went outside without waking Wendy and Noreen. The sun wasn't up yet, though the sky had lightened just enough that she didn't need a flashlight. Grabbing her jacket for added warmth against the morning chill, she made her way to the makeshift latrine and took care of business. She washed her hands in the river and approached the camp stove with trepidation. She had been shown how to use it more than once, but she still expected it to blow up.
Her first inclination was to head down river, but she wanted to reassure the others that she was still a part of the group. She hoped that making coffee would alleviate any feelings of rejection they might feel. Gretchen was sensitive to the fact that someone could come looking for her on a whim and she didn't want that to happen. Anything she could do to lessen that possibility was worth the extra effort.
She pumped the little handle, turned the knob, said a little prayer to the gods of all campers and struck the match. The burst of blue flame made her jump, but the expected catastrophe didn't materialize and she patted herself on the back. Setting the coffee to perk, she stood as close as she dared and warmed her hands. The muted roar of the camp stove mingled with the sound of the river and an occasional rustle from the tents. It was quiet in a way that Gretchen found very interesting. She could hear the occasional bird and what had to be pinecones and small twigs dropping from the trees, but there was an underlying stillness she had never heard before. It sounded like waiting and she let it heighten her anticipation of seeing Carrie again.
The smell of coffee brought Rachel out of her tent and Gretchen poured them both a cup. "Good morning, Rachel."
"Morning. You're up early."
"I went to bed early."
"True." Rachel crouched with her coffee next to the fire pit and poked at it with a stick. She found some coals under the ash and soon had the fire going again.
"You're good at this whole camping thing," Gretchen said in a soft tone.
"My dad worked in the Forest Service. We camped a lot. He thought it was an important life skill." Rachel smiled up at her. "I can catch fish with my bare hands, too. If there were any worth eating around here, I'd show you."
Gretchen grinned. "I believe you."
Rachel sat back and put her stocking feet close to the blaze. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah. I'm good."
"Here, sit down. If you don't mind I'd kind of like to talk to you a bit before the others wake up."
Gretchen pulled a chair close and copied her pose. She was a little worried that Rachel was upset about her histrionics the night before.
"You seem to be having a harder time than most in adjusting to the group."
Gretchen nodded in agreement. "I was thinking the same thing myself. Would it be better if I stopped coming?"
Rachel frowned and shook her head. "Please…That's not what I mean at all. I'm just wondering if there's something I can do to help."
"I don't think so," Gretchen said honestly. "Of course, I bring a lot of it on myself. I probably shouldn't have said what I did to Linda last night."
Rachel's voice dropped markedly so as not to be overheard by anyone who might be lying awake in the tents. "Personally, I think she had it coming. She treats you differently than the others and I haven't been sure what to do about it. I apologize for that. I thought you handled it perfectly. I was impressed."
Gretchen hid her smile behind her coffee.
"You weren't nasty about it," Rachel continued. "You didn't blame her for anything and you took responsibility for your feelings. I thought you explained very well how you were feeling and you didn't waste a lot of time doing it. I can't even accurately call it a fight. How much of the conversation did you hear after you went to bed?"
"Very lit
tle. I went right to sleep."
Rachel sighed. "That's too bad. The others were very supportive of your feelings. They've seen how she treats you, too. They stood up for you. It's hard to say if Linda's attitude will improve-frankly, I don't think it likely-but I think she got the message that if she messes with you she messes with everyone."
Gretchen considered. "It feels good that the others support me, but I don't need them to stand up for me."
"They need it," Rachel emphasized. "It gives them confidence."
Gretchen saw a little more clearly how Rachel saw the group. "Why does Linda hate me? Did I do something…?"
"She doesn't hate you, Gretchen. She feels threatened by you and she's trying to protect herself."
"But, how am I threatening her?"
Rachel adjusted the fire before responding. "I don't know if you see it, but Linda can be charming and she does care."
"I know she does. Not with me, but I see her laughing and joking sometimes."
Rachel grew thoughtful. "She's been coming to the meetings for almost three years. She's my longest member. Because of that, I think she feels a little territorial. I allow it because…well, I'm not a therapist so I can't say I really know what I'm doing. I try to make that very clear."
"You do," Gretchen reassured her.
"Good." Rachel looked relieved. "Linda is useful to me in several ways. First, she draws attention away from me as an authority figure. It keeps women from becoming too dependent on me. She also gets impatient when someone gets too deep into self-pity. Her usual reaction is to get sarcastic with them, but it tends to shock them out of it. I think her impatience was part of why she wanted to go looking for you yesterday. She may have thought you were seeking solitude so you could wallow in private."
"But I wasn't."
"You made that very clear," Rachel grinned. "And I think that's why she seemed a little nastier than usual last night."
"Ah…!" Gretchen thought it made sense.
"Another reason is that Linda's usually the one to push the conversation in new directions when it begins to stagnate. Noreen does it, too, but she doesn't have your…dynamic personality."
She was still too cold to blush, so Gretchen smiled. "Thank you."
"Now, as far as I'm concerned, her most valuable function in the group is that she irritates everyone to some degree."
Gretchen shook her head. "Why is that useful?"
"She gives everyone someone to hate besides themselves."
Gretchen's chuckle started small and she covered her mouth to keep it that way. "I'm sorry. It's just so sad."
Rachel smiled at her humor. "I know."
Gretchen hitched her jacket tighter. "So how do I threaten her?"
"They like you. It's hard not to."
Gretchen ducked her head to hide the embarrassment she felt at being pleased.
"You're beautiful and smart and fun and you don't need the group the way she thinks you should. She doesn't know how to compete with that and it's not in her nature to accept and enjoy it. I think she feels that she's losing her position of influence to you. If that happens, what will she be to us?"
Gretchen shook her head in dismay. "But, I'm not trying to take over…"
"I know that," Rachel interrupted. "But Linda sees now, not next month. I don't mean to judge the depth of your pain and fear, but you aren't as swamped by it as most of the people who come to our meetings. In my opinion, I don't think you'll be a long-term member. You're more than welcome to prove me wrong, but I think you're what I call a self-healer. You don't need to experience your pain or have someone fix you. You just need a sympathetic place to vent for a while and then your heart will heal and you'll move on as good as new."
Gretchen was fascinated at Rachel's insights.
"Noreen is a self-healer, too. I'm actually surprised she's hung on as long as she has. She seems to be waiting for something." Rachel watched her over her coffee. "I'm not saying anything upsetting, am I?"
"No," Gretchen admitted. "It's a little like hearing your horoscope. It's never anything you didn't know about yourself, but hearing it out loud is somehow so rewarding."
Rachel grinned with obvious affection. "Well, to be fair, you're also stubborn, mouthy as hell and a little intolerant at times, but not enough to be a real pain in the ass about it."
"It means so much to me that you noticed." Gretchen smiled widely. "Let me ask you something. Why do you run this group? What do you get out of it?"
"I collect broken hearts the way some people collect stray cats. I like trying to fix them up and turning them loose on the world."
"But, what do you get out of it?"
Rachel stared at her as if trying to decide what she could safely say. "It makes me feel good about myself. I feel like a better person when someone gets happy again. Like I've done something magical."
"You've got your work cut out for you with Linda," she teased. "What about Kirsten?"
Rachel's face closed up. "Kirsten may be the most damaged of them all. I worry about her constantly."
Gretchen realized instantly that Rachel was safeguarding information about Kirsten that no one else knew. She also realized that it was probably something she would rather not know. "Well, I appreciate all you do for us. This whole trip probably took a lot of work and planning." Gretchen winked. "I'll try to behave myself."
Rachel rubbed at her eyes dramatically. "I knew I should have packed a bottle of whiskey for emergencies."
Gretchen laughed and heard the sound of a zipper. She glanced over and saw Linda coming out of the large tent. She whispered to Rachel. "Time to make peace. Wish me luck."
Rachel whispered back. "Pretend it never happened. If you apologize she'll believe that you really were in the wrong."
Gretchen thought fast and patted Rachel's shoulder as she got up. "Good morning, Linda. There's coffee, but I'm not proud of it."
Linda looked at her in confusion. "What's wrong with it?"
"Technically? Nothing: I thought I made it just like you showed me, but I must have forgotten something. It's not as good as yours." Gretchen hated kissing ass, but in order to preserve some peace for everyone else she made herself do it.
Linda reached over and turned the flame of the camp stove down just a bit. "You've got to simmer it. Give it time to develop some flavor."
Simmer it my ass! "I'll try to remember that. Thanks." Gretchen turned away immediately to keep from laughing in her face. The look of appreciation on Rachel's face made her glad she had.
Anxious to be on her way as soon as possible, Gretchen went to her tent and quietly straightened her things. She emptied her backpack into her sleeping bag and stuffed her towel back into it. She picked out what to wear and set it aside.
"Are you leaving already?" Wendy asked.
Gretchen jumped at the sound of her voice. "Not yet. I'm just cleaning up my corner."
"Rachel wants us to pick berries today up in the field where we parked the van. She promised us a cobbler for dessert tonight."
"That sounds good," Gretchen said truthfully.
Wendy's eyes held a plea. "You could come with us."
Gretchen felt bad for her. "Sorry. I feel like I've already made a commitment to my heart. Maybe tomorrow."
"Okay."
Gretchen could tell from the relief in Wendy's eyes that she had just heard a promise to stay in camp the next day. She wanted to kick herself for not being more careful. What made it worse was that she genuinely liked her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. She couldn't think of one single thing that she could say to get out of it and make Wendy feel good at the same time.
Noreen rolled over and Gretchen couldn't help but grin at her tousled expression. "Hey, you. How did you sleep?"
"Shoot me," Noreen grumbled. "I'm too damn old for this."
"You're not old," Wendy objected.
Noreen groaned as she sat up. She licked her teeth as if tasting her mouth and looked calmly at Wendy. "And I'm not drunk. Th
at just leaves stupid."
Wendy's laugh was like a silver wind chime in a tropical storm and it made Gretchen happy just to hear it. "Do it again!"
"What?"
"Laugh! Do it again. Please?"
Wendy tried to hide in her sleeping bag.
"Come on, Noreen. Help me!" Gretchen went after her and began tickling, trying to coax that delightful sound from her again. Somehow it got all out of control and turned into a free for all.
They jerked to a stop at Kirsten's voice at the tent door. "What are you guys doing in there?"
Gretchen felt like a child caught stealing cookies. "Nothing."
"May I come in?"
Noreen giggled. "What's the pass word?"
There was a long silence and then Kirsten said: "Sauerkraut."
"Wow!" Gretchen breathed loudly. "Even I didn't know that. Come on in!"
Kirsten unzipped the tent flap and wiggled inside. "What's going on?"
Gretchen tried to straighten her hair out so she wouldn't look so disheveled. "We were trying to make Wendy laugh. It's adorable. It makes you happy just hearing it."
Wendy buried her face in her knees and Noreen ruffled her hair. It only took the three of them a few minutes to make her laugh again. "See?" Gretchen laughed. "Isn't that the cutest thing you ever heard?"
"You should laugh more often," Kirsten said encouragingly. "It suits you."
Now that the shenanigans were over, Gretchen turned her hand to cleaning up the mess they had made. Most of their belongings were mixed up and together they sorted them out.
"Are you still planning on going for a walk?" Kirsten asked.
Cautious after her earlier faux pas, Gretchen made sure not to leave an opening for uninvited company. "Yes. I understand you're going to pick berries for a cobbler. I can't wait to taste it."
Noreen frowned. "Wait a minute. What are you going to do for us?"
Gretchen blinked. "Huh?"
Kirsten smiled wickedly. "She's right. We're going to be out in the sun with thorns and bugs for entertainment and you'll be goofing off. How is it fair that you should get to enjoy the fruits of our labor? What are you going to do for us that we should let you?"
Hearts Renewed Page 4