Hearts Renewed

by Tannya Gibson

  "All of the above," Janelle grinned.

  "Maybe we should get something to eat and you can grill me about my intentions. Gretchen looks like she could use a drink and I'm leaning in that direction myself. Is there an outdoor place that will allow Rupert?"

  "There's a good Mexican place around the corner. What do you think, Gretchen?"

  Gretchen nodded dumbly and stood up when prompted. She knew she was behaving badly, but she was so numb she was almost paralyzed. Carrie walked to her side and a little forward and as they left the park Gretchen reached forward without thinking about it and took the so familiar hand in her own. The world stopped spinning when Carrie squeezed her fingers and she began to feel more normal. Janelle was grinning at her and Gretchen stuck her tongue out.

  They had no trouble getting a table on the veranda. Late October tended to be rather cold and no one else was willing to brave the elements. Rupert was more than happy to lie under the table where he was most likely to receive treats. The waitress brought a round of beer and took their orders before Janelle started in.

  "So what are your intentions?"

  Carrie leaned forward on her elbows and answered seriously. "I know it may seem obsessive and impulsive for me to say this considering I've only known Gretchen for a few days, but if she'll have me, I intend to make a home with her. I want to spend the rest of our lives together."

  Janelle stopped with a beer halfway to her mouth. "Just like that?"

  Carrie chuckled and pushed a piece of lime into the mouth of her beer bottle. "Nothing is ever that easy-I know that. Gretchen seems to have a great deal more sense than I do at this point. I'm perfectly willing to dive right in, but I know that's irrational. I know we need to learn more about each other. I came here because I can't live without knowing if my feelings for her are real. I mean, I know they're real, but I feel in my gut that Gretchen is the woman I want to marry and make a life with. I can't walk away from that without knowing. I moved here to give us a chance to find out if it's possible."

  In some distant corner of her awareness, it bothered Gretchen that she was being talked about as if she weren't there, but it also gave her an opportunity to just soak in Carrie's words: to hear what she was thinking and feeling without having to express her own tangled emotions. Her hand still tingled from holding Carrie's and she calmly studied her body's desire to crawl into Carrie's arms. She knew it would be exciting and safe and perfect, but she held back.

  Janelle took a chip from the bowl in the middle of the table and scooped up salsa. "What took you so long? It's been what-two months?" She popped the chip in her mouth.

  "Eight weeks exactly," Carrie said with a meaningful look at Gretchen. "I've been very busy. I had to quit one job and find another. I didn't have a lot of furniture to move, but finding a place to live and moving what I do have took some coordination. I've been easing into my job and buying furniture and kitchen stuff…It's been crazy. I wanted to be settled before I contacted you. I didn't want to blow into town without being prepared to stay. I couldn't just knock on your door and expect you to take me in. You asked me not to come here and I let you believe I wouldn't, so I feel a bit like I broke my word."

  Janelle spoke before Gretchen could and Carrie shifted her gaze. "Where do you live?"

  "On Spruce, between Jasper and Granite, in a little two bedroom place."

  "And where are you working?"

  Carrie sat back with a proud smile. "I'm the new manager at Larry's Food Mart."

  Gretchen's smile sneaked up on her and burst out with a laugh. "No way."

  "It's true," Carrie said with pleasure. "Getting here was time-consuming, but everything seemed to go exactly in my favor. When I gave notice at my old job and told my boss where I was moving, he just happened to know the owner of Larry's-he's not named Larry, by the way-and that he was looking for a new manager. He put in a good word for me and here I am. My new assistant knew about a rental and just like that I had a place to live. The universe has been nothing but helpful in getting me here."

  "How did you find me?" Gretchen asked.

  "I spent the better part of a week calling doctor's offices. You said a medical group, but I wasn't sure if it was a group or just a couple of doctors sharing space, so I called everyone asking for you until I heard your voice. I parked at the hospital and hid in a bush to see if it was really you. You were wearing a black skirt and a blouse with bright flowers on it-you looked really great, by the way-and I saw which car was yours. I was so happy and relieved I sat there and cried."

  "Why didn't you just come in and say hello?"

  "I didn't know if you would want to see me and I didn't think it was appropriate to surprise you at work."

  "You could have come by my house."

  "I don't know where you live. I still don't know your last name even. I'm not a stalker, Gretchen. I left you the note because I wanted you to be in charge of what happened next."

  The waitress came back with their food and the conversation halted while they sorted everything out and got another round of beer. Gretchen couldn't remember drinking hers, but the bottle was empty. She resolved to pay more attention-not just to Carrie, but to herself. "What about your family?" She asked with concern. "Do they hate me now?"

  Carrie laughed. "On the contrary. They call me everyday to find out if I've seen you and give me advice on what to do next."

  "But…?"

  "They'll always be my family, Gretchen. We'll always be close regardless of where I live. Besides, if you stick to the freeway, it's only a 3-½ hour drive. They're looking at it as having a new place to spend the weekends. Julian and his brood came down last weekend and Mom wants to come sometime next month. They're fine with this. They want me to be happy and they really liked you."

  Carrie seemed completely confident in regards to her family and Gretchen nodded her acceptance. Janelle cleared her throat.

  "What do you like to do for fun?"

  Carrie poured hot sauce on her food liberally. "I ride a bike to stay in shape and I like to play golf now and then. I like dancing and dinner parties. I'm quite good at Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, but I don't always get to watch them. I read when I have time. I'm thinking about taking a pottery class that starts next month at the high school. I like working with my hands." Carrie shrugged. "What do you like to do, Janelle?"

  Gretchen watched Carrie eat while Janelle rattled on about her life. Carrie glanced at her now and then with a small smile meant just for her. Gretchen ate absently while she stared and compared how Carrie looked now to how she had remembered her. Her hair seemed longer, especially around her face and her eyes were even more golden than she remembered. She studied Carrie's hands, the feel of them on her skin somehow more than a memory. It all became a bit overwhelming.

  "Excuse me." Gretchen got up and quickly made her way to the restroom. She splashed cold water on her face, but it didn't help at all. Neither did deep, even breathing. Part of her wanted to hide in the restroom until someone came looking for her, but she hated being so dramatic. She forced herself into a semblance of calm and went back to the table.

  She sat down just as Carrie asked Janelle, "Do you like kids?"

  "Sure. Who doesn't?"

  "I mean…Would you date a man with a kid?"

  "I have. It usually doesn't work out." Janelle waved her fork around airily. "If they live with the mother they hate me. It's like they think it's my fault that their parents have split up. If they live with the father, he seems to think it's my duty to mother them. It irritates the hell out of me when I'm expected to want to clean a man's house just because he bought me dinner. I don't like cleaning my own house. And most parents are raising the most awful children. They seem to think that the more their kids express themselves, the better parents they are. What they can't see is that they encourage their children to behave badly and call it self-expression."

  Carrie was grinning at Janelle's frustration. "I've got a guy in the meat department with a six-year-old b
oy you might want to check out. He's a widower. I don't really know too much about him and he's not the most attractive man in the world, but he's got a ready smile and he's very easy to like. His son is adorable and they're like best friends. I don't think Jerry is the type to dump the responsibility for his son on whomever he's dating. He seems to be having too much fun being a parent for that. You might like him. He's tall and fit and he has red hair. He's off today, but he works tomorrow."

  "Thanks, Carrie. I'll go check him out."

  There was a moment of silence that threatened to become uncomfortable and Janelle took advantage of it to make her own trip to the restroom. Gretchen watched her go, knowing that Carrie was looking at her and suddenly afraid of being alone with her.

  "Are you all right?"

  Gretchen reluctantly met Carrie's eyes. "I don't know. I can't decide if you're a dream come true or a nightmare in the making."

  "I don't want to hurt you."

  "You're not hurting me. I just don't know what to do. This wasn't what I expected."

  Carrie nodded. "I know. I've been told I have a tendency to be reckless and impulsive. Some people find it irritating, but it's actually one of the things I like about myself." She put an elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her hand. "You know what I miss most?"

  Gretchen shook her head.

  "I miss talking. It was all wonderful, but I miss talking with you. With most people I wait for my chance to talk, but with you I was just as happy to listen. I miss that."

  Gretchen reached out and took Carrie's hand from her chin. "I missed you, too."

  Carrie's eyes were like lasers. "I had myself convinced that you couldn't possibly be as lovely as my memories, but you are. And it's not just because I love you. You are beautiful."

  "My God," Gretchen breathed dizzily. "It would be so easy to surrender to you. I could slide into your arms and it would be months before I could form a coherent thought. Do you have any idea how tempting that is?"

  Carrie laced their fingers together. "I know exactly how tempting it is, but I won't be satisfied with a few months, Gretchen. I won't be happy with anything but the rest of our lives."

  "How can you be so sure that I'm the one for you?"

  "I just am."

  Gretchen could see in Carrie's expression that she really did love her. There was an element of passion in her eyes, but her gaze was different from any other woman who had ever looked at her before. There was a calm certainty in her face and bearing that made her wholly believable. It was almost enough to convince Gretchen that she should feel the same way. She kept her fingers entwined with Carrie's, but leaned back and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she put reins on her feelings and pulled them back. "It scares me that you changed your whole life for me." She opened her eyes to see a vague smile on Carrie's lips.

  "I didn't change my life. You did. I only shifted some of the details."

  Before Gretchen could say more, Janelle returned.

  "Halloween is next week," Carrie said to the both of them. "The store is hosting a booth in the craft fair at the fairgrounds. It would be great if you could drop by."

  "We still have to work that day," Janelle said with a pleased look at their clasped hands. "Maybe we could stop by at lunch?"

  Gretchen nodded and forced a smile.

  Carrie squeezed her fingers before letting go. "I should get back to work." She reached into her blazer and pulled out a checkbook. She took out a fifty-dollar bill and dropped it on the table. "Lunch is on me this time." She pushed her chair back and patted her legs to encourage Rupert to put his feet up.

  Gretchen watched as Carrie buried her hands in Rupert's ruff and whispered into his ear. She could feel his tail wagging against her knees and smiled at his eagerness. Carrie stopped whispering and when she looked over at Gretchen, Rupert did, too. Gretchen laughed and wondered what the secret was. "What did you tell him?"

  Carrie merely chuckled and fed Rupert a bite of her lunch. She stood up and reached a hand out to Janelle. "It was really nice to meet you. Don't forget to have a look at Jerry."

  "I won't. Thanks for lunch."

  Gretchen fought the urge to ask her to stay, but when Carrie's hand settled briefly on her shoulder, she looked up into the golden eyes. "Call me."

  Carrie hesitated. "Are you sure?"

  Gretchen nodded and Carrie's smile made her skin prickle. She watched her walk away with her long, casual stride and put a hand to her heart to ease the pain of longing she felt. "What am I going to do?"

  "I like her," Janelle said simply.

  Gretchen reached for her beer. "Don't start nagging me," she warned.

  "I won't, but you did bring me at least in part for a second opinion. So here it is. I like her and she's not just some silly twit who only has the hots for you. She's a grown-up. This is the kind of woman who you can make a life with. I can see why you're so scared. You'll have to be the best you can be with her because that's what she'll give to you. Of all the women you've been with, I respect this one the most and that's all I'm going to say about her."

  Gretchen gave a dry chuckle. "Right. You'll be nagging me in no time."

  "We'll see."

  ~***~

  Chapter Eighteen

  Gretchen was sitting on her bed Sunday evening with the stereo on low as she painted her toenails. She let the phone ring four times before answering it. "Hello."

  "Hi," Carrie said. Gretchen could hear the smile in it. "What are you doing?"

  "Painting my toenails."

  "Hmm. What color?"

  "Twenty-dollar-a-pop-prostitute-red." Gretchen's ear burned deliciously with Carrie's laughter. "What are you doing?"

  "Thinking about all of the things I didn't ask you."

  Gretchen held the phone between her ear and her shoulder and propped her chin on her knee while she went back to polishing. "Such as?"

  "Are you seeing anyone?"

  Gretchen smiled. "A couple of women asked me out, but I turned them down."

  "How come?"

  Gretchen opened her mouth to say something clever, but the truth came out. "They weren't you." The line was so quiet that she began to wonder if they had been disconnected. "I didn't intend to say that."

  "Is it true?"

  "Yes," Gretchen admitted. "What else did you want to ask me?"

  "Are you mad at me for moving here?"

  "Not exactly."

  "Do you want me to leave?"

  Gretchen's fingers stilled and she considered it. Having Carrie near was wrenching, but the idea of having her go away was even more devastating. "No."

  Carrie's sigh was clear over the open line. "What a relief!"

  "Would you have gone if I asked you to?" Gretchen held her breath while waiting for the answer.

  "I don't know. I'd like to be able to say that I'd do anything you asked, but my career would be in the toilet if I tried to back out now. Whether I'm with you or not, I have to make a living."

  Gretchen was secretly pleased with this answer. More than once her lovers had quit their jobs in the mistaken belief that she would take care of them.

  "Is there anyone I should ask for permission to court you?"

  Gretchen chuckled. "That sounds a little old fashioned, Carrie."

  "Perhaps."

  Brushing her hair back over her shoulders, Gretchen capped the polish and set it aside. "So. You want to court me. What exactly are you asking for?"

  "Well, I'm not sure if I can ask you out or give you flowers. I don't want to push you, but I don't want to sit back and let you think that I'm not interested either."

  "You need parameters, then?"

  "Yes, please."

  Gretchen stretched her feet out to let her toes dry and lay back on the bed. "Okay, let's see. Work is work. I can't do my job if you're always calling me there. It'll mess with my concentration and probably get me in trouble. You can call me there if it's unavoidable-if you'll be late, for instance-but not to chit chat."

 
; "Agreed. But my job is a little different. First, I'm the boss so I won't get in trouble. I'm working long, odd hours right now so you can call me whenever. I have call-forwarding. If I can't talk I'll turn off my cell phone and you can leave a message."

  "Good. I guess the next issue is money. I don't want you trying to buy me with gifts. I know you probably make a lot more than I do, so don't rub it in."

  Carrie was quiet for a moment. "I promise not to go overboard, but if I want to spend money on you, I will."