Gretchen beamed a smile at her.
Carrie smiled back. "Why don't you finish getting dressed and I'll see what I can do about this. Then we can talk about what we want to do for dinner."
"You don't mind cleaning up?"
"Nope. Go on. Get dressed and let's get this date on the move."
Gretchen reached up and pulled Carrie down for a kiss. "Thank you."
"No problem," Carrie shrugged. She watched Gretchen walk away with an ache of longing, then squared her shoulders and looked at the mess on the floor. Paper towels weren't going to cut it. This was a job for..."Rupert!"
~***~
Chapter Twenty-six
Gretchen had a good week. Janelle finally opened up about Jerry and admitted that she was afraid to talk about him for fear that it would all go away. Gretchen understood the feeling completely and was glad she had not teased her about it. She was glad to see Janelle excited about him because it seemed different than any other man she had dated. Gretchen kept her sincere hopes close to her chest and took her cues on how to act from Janelle's efforts to be casual about it. They did, however, begin car-pooling to the store on their lunches. Gretchen refrained from mentioning that she could see the two of them from Carrie's office. Not that she was watching. She was usually too busy cuddling with Carrie to notice anything.
Late Friday morning, a flower delivery service brought Gretchen a corsage size box and she signed for it excitedly.
"What is it?" Janelle asked.
"I don't know yet." She opened the card first. It read: I promised myself I wouldn't do anything this overt, but I just couldn't resist. R.
With a feeling of eager dread, Gretchen turned so no one could see and gingerly opened the box. She closed it immediately and blushed. "Oh, my God."
"What is it?" Janelle asked again.
Gretchen peeked back into the box and studied the orchid a second time. It looked exactly like genitalia. Different colors, of course, but the clitoris, vagina and vulva were obvious. She had not known there even was a flower that so closely resembled a woman's sexual organs. "Oh my god," she repeated. Closing the box she hugged it to her chest protectively.
"I want to see," Janelle demanded.
Gretchen shook her head tightly and tried to keep the grin from her face. "No."
"Come on, Gretchen. You know how devious I am when I want something. You might as well just show it to me and get it over with."
Gretchen knew she was right, but it felt almost like she would be showing Janelle her own genitalia. "I'm too embarrassed."
"What is it?"
"A flower."
Janelle frowned. "You're embarrassed to show me a flower?"
Gretchen laughed nervously. "I don't think you've ever seen a flower like this one. I've never seen one before."
Janelle held her hands out and waited.
Gretchen considered. "You have to promise to take it to the bathroom to look at it and you can't tease me about it. Okay?"
"Deal." Janelle snatched the box from her hand and left the office. Gretchen sat down and tried to find a piece of work that made sense to her. She heard a muffled "Yikes!" from down the hall and blushed even harder. She was on the phone when Janelle came back and set the flower on the edge of her desk so they couldn't immediately talk.
A little later, Janelle rolled her chair over and whispered, "Is that really what it looks like?"
Gretchen was surprised that Janelle wasn't sure. "Yeah."
Janelle looked stunned. "It's so pretty."
"Are you telling me that you've never seen yours?" Janelle's look of embarrassed horror sent Gretchen into a whispering rage. "Do you have any idea how messed up that is? This is your body. It belongs to you and no one else. You control who sees it and who touches it. This is the one thing that truly is yours to command. But you can't look at it? Have you ever seen your back? It's harder to see and doesn't give you a tenth the pleasure, but you don't have any problem twisting yourself up to see that. Somewhere along the line someone convinced you that your genitals don't belong to you. That you should keep it clean but only so it would be available for someone else to control. Real women control every aspect of their lives and their bodies, Janelle. You get a mirror and start spending time with your vagina. I can't believe you bought into that line of crap."
"Hear, hear."
Gretchen spun to the woman in the reception window and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Carrie's mom," she said with a gulp.
"It's Olivia, dear." She looked past Gretchen to Janelle. "I recommend a makeup mirror on a stand; preferably one with lights and magnification. And don't just look at it-worship it and write poetry to it. You have a lifetime of neglect to make up for."
Gretchen appreciated the unexpected support, but her mind was whirling. "I didn't know you were coming this weekend."
Olivia smiled. "Neither does Carrie."
Gretchen got to her feet and reached out to take her hand. "It's so good to see you!"
"I was hoping we could have lunch. I know it's last minute, but I've come all this way and…"
"No! This is great!" She recognized the guilt trip for what it was, but this was Carrie's mother and she really was glad to see her. "I've got about 20 minutes before I can leave for lunch though."
"I'll wait."
"Do you want coffee or tea or anything?"
"No, dear. I'm just fine."
Carrie's mother sat down in a chair and picked up a Newsweek. Gretchen turned to Janelle in stupefaction. "It's Carrie's mom."
"I heard. She seems nice," Janelle's voice dropped to a whisper, "but I think I could have done without a total stranger telling me to write poetry to my crotch."
"Somebody had to do it," Gretchen said absently. She was wondering if she should call Carrie and if she did, should she tell her that her mother was in town or just say that she was going to run errands and wouldn't see her over lunch. She didn't want to lie, but she also didn't want to blow Olivia's cover. It was a good bet that Carrie would come running if she had time to intercept them and Gretchen was curious about why Olivia was here. "Janelle, I need a favor. When you get to the store, you've got to tell Carrie why I'm not there. Please?"
"Sure."
Gretchen dove into her work and the 20 minutes flew by. She locked the orchid in her desk drawer with a last look and let Janelle close the office for lunch.
"Where would you suggest we eat?" Olivia asked.
Gretchen thought about it. "To be honest, the hospital cafeteria next door is very good. It's also cheap and close."
"Perfect." Olivia looped her arm through Gretchen's and fell into step with her. "This may be the last time we get to talk."
Gretchen was instantly fearful. "Why?"
"Carrie is going to kill me when she finds out that I looked you up." Gretchen laughed in relief. "She expressly forbade me from seeking you out," Olivia continued. "She is very concerned with giving you the time and space you need to work this all out. When she finds out that I'm here, I'm afraid that she's going to be furious with me."
"You should know that my friend, Janelle, is going to see her shortly and tell her why I'm not meeting her for lunch."
"You cancelled a date with Carrie for me?"
"It's not a date exactly. More like a few minutes alone in the middle of the day."
"I see."
Gretchen glanced over and saw the glint of understanding in Olivia's eyes. "I hope she's not too hard on you."
Olivia huffed. "She's not too big to spank."
Gretchen laughed and filed the information away for future reference. They didn't speak again until they had their food and were sitting in a corner of the cafeteria. "I assume you wanted to talk to me about something?"
Olivia spread her napkin on her lap and looked up with an open expression. "Do you love my daughter?"
It didn't even occur to Gretchen to hedge. "Yes."
"Then what's the problem?"
Gretchen looked down at her tray and sud
denly wasn't hungry anymore. She set her fork down and put her hands in her lap. She could feel Olivia watching her. "I'm afraid."
"Of Carrie?"
"Maybe. Probably more of myself."
"Why?"
Gretchen looked away uncomfortably.
"This is just between us, dear. Perhaps it will help if I tell you what Carrie told me." Gretchen glanced at her and nodded. "She thinks that you don't believe it's possible for someone to really love you. I guess your other relationships ended badly, though she wasn't clear about what happened. She did tell me that you expect your lovers to hurt you and that you're afraid she'll hurt you, too. She also mentioned that you might feel as if it's something about you that causes them to hurt you. Is that right?"
Gretchen took a deep breath and forced herself to meet Olivia's eyes. "Yes."
Olivia cocked her head and thought for a moment. "I suppose I'm prejudiced in Carrie's favor so a testimonial from me is just wasted breath."
"No," Gretchen objected quickly. "Please. Say whatever you want."
"She's a good woman," Olivia said firmly. "I'm proud of her. She's generous and reliable and honest. She does like to play pranks and tease, but she's never mean-spirited about it. She did punch a boy in the face once…"
"She told me about that."
"I'm inclined to think he had it coming, but it affected her very badly. Her father and I were about ready to put her in therapy, but she eventually worked it out and I'm not aware that she has ever hit anyone again."
"I don't think she would ever hit me," Gretchen admitted.
"Did she tell you about Tracey?"
"Yes."
Olivia sighed and looked off into the distance. "That about broke my heart to see her suffer so. She tried so hard to make things right. I gave up on Tracey months before Carrie did, but they had been together for so long and Carrie wanted to believe that it was just one of those times that all marriages go through and if she worked at it, it would pass and everything would be okay. I think she stopped loving her long before it ended, but she felt it was important to give it an honest effort considering all the time they had been together. I hated what it did to her spirit, but I respected her more as a woman-not my little girl-for trying."
"What happened?" Gretchen asked. "Why did Tracey change?"
"We don't know. Carrie swore to me that she hadn't cheated on her or hit her and I believe her. I wondered if Tracey had a medical condition for while, but she still appears healthy. Maybe if Tracey had ever accused her of anything we would have a place to start, but…nothing."
Gretchen pushed her tray aside and leaned on her elbows. Olivia's openness inspired her to talk. "I do love her, you know. Almost from the first minute. On the camping trip I could surrender to it because I had the safety net of knowing that it would be over before she could come to her senses. But now that she's here…? I still can't believe that she changed her life based on a four day fantasy."
"Was it a fantasy?"
"Yes. And now she wants to make it a reality and it's so incredibly tempting, but…" Gretchen briefly covered her mouth to hold back a sob. "She changed me somehow. I've thrown myself with reckless abandon into one disastrous relationship after another all my life. I want to throw myself at Carrie, too, but it's different this time. I'm different. I believe that she's the one I've been looking for, but I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings. They've led me astray before and I'm not sure I'll recover if I'm wrong this time. I need to hold back until I'm sure because it feels like if I'm wrong this time, something irreplaceable will be broken. Maybe it is something about me that makes my lovers so hateful. I don't know, but if it is, I need to give Carrie time to change her mind before I can commit myself to her."
Olivia reached across the table and took her hand. "I can't make any promises about the future, dear, but I find it hard to believe that you are anything but a joy to be with. I can guarantee that if it doesn't work between the two of you it will only end after every option has been exhausted. Carrie commits her heart completely and unless you tell her you don't love her-and it's really true-she'll wait for you for the rest of your life."
Gretchen desperately wanted to believe her. "I didn't want her to leave her family, you know."
Olivia laughed. "Don't be silly. She hasn't left us. In fact, Julian was quite taken with this little town of yours and is thinking about expanding his contracting business to this area. I find it quite charming myself. In a few years, who knows?"
Gretchen used her napkin to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry. I seem to be crying all the time lately."
Olivia patted her arm. "You go right ahead, dear. Crying is the best medicine for what ails you."
"I can't believe how cool you are about Carrie being a lesbian."
"Oh, I admit, I was terribly disappointed at first, but I didn't love her any less and I finally realized that I was mostly disappointed because I had been looking forward to her being a mother. I so wanted to hold her babies in my arms." Olivia grinned. "As your future mother-in-law, I'm entitled to ask: have you ever thought about having children?"
This struck Gretchen as supremely funny and she laughed helplessly.
"I only ask," Olivia continued gracefully, "because Carrie is absolutely terrified of being pregnant. She was in the delivery room to take pictures for Julian's first child and I think it traumatized her. I believe she would love to be a mother, but it won't happen unless her wife wants to make the baby."
"I used to think about it all the time," Gretchen admitted reluctantly, "but I gave up on it. I haven't thought about it for a long time."
Olivia's eyes gleamed dangerously. "Well, before you dismiss it entirely, let me tell you a secret." She leaned close and spoke softly. "Carrie obviously can't make you pregnant, but Bruce is willing."
Gretchen was stunned. "Bruce wants to make me pregnant?"
"Not you specifically, dear. Bruce has told me any number of times since he was a young man that if Carrie ever found a woman that wanted children with her, he would offer to be the donor. Since Carrie can't produce sperm, Bruce feels that as her twin, his would be the closest she could come to producing a child of her own. I know it's terribly inappropriate for me to begin nagging you about grandchildren when you haven't yet accepted the idea that you're going to marry my daughter, but I may not be allowed to talk to you again for some time and I just can't give up on seeing her become a mother. I know it's selfish of me, but she'd be so good at it and you…I have a feeling about you, Gretchen. I think you would be a wonderful mother to my grandchildren and I can't wait to have you as a daughter-in-law."
Gretchen covered her mouth and stared.
"See, now I've frightened you. Carrie is going to skin me alive."
"No…I'm okay." Gretchen took a drink of her soda. "I just never expected to have a conversation anything like this. I never even considered the idea of having a mother-in law. It seems so strange. Aren't we supposed to hate each other?"
Olivia grimaced. "I could try, if it's important to you, but I'd rather not."
Gretchen smiled at her. "I don't know what to say about giving you grandchildren."
"It's not about giving me what I want," Olivia said seriously. "Just put the information in the back of your mind and let it simmer. If things work out as I hope and you two decide that you want to have a family, the information will be there. In the meantime, you should eat. You've got to keep your strength up."
~***~
Chapter Twenty-seven
Gretchen was propped up in bed with Carrie's orchid sitting against her knees. The flower was beautiful, but so blatantly suggestive that it took her breath away. It was late, but she called anyway.
"Hello?"
"It's beautiful, Carrie."
"I was going to send you pansies, but I saw it and I thought of you. I hope I didn't cross the line."
"Pansies would have been nice," Gretchen said softly, "but this…"
"Are you looking at it right now?"
"Mm hmm."
"What are you wearing?"
Gretchen laughed and snuggled down a bit in her bed. "An old T-shirt and underwear."
"Ooh, sounds sexy."
Gretchen laughed again. "What are you wearing?"
"Nothing."
"No, really."
"Really. I sleep nude."
Gretchen closed her eyes and remembered.
"I'm sorry about my mom today," Carrie said into the silence. "I asked her not to…"
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