“And after all these years,” she moans.
“Maybe we can do it one last time,” he suggests, winking at her.
“Well maybe,” she says, grinning.
Point made? It really is pretty silly to judge the things that you and your partner enjoy by other people’s standards. If it feels good and you both get pleasure, do it.
Very little that I will say in Now and Forever is gender-specific. Both men and women have fantasies. Both men and women are occasionally discontented with their sex lives. Both men and women enjoy telling dirty stories or playing with sex toys.
Now let’s consider the awkward problem I have with pronouns. If I put “him/her” or “she/he” in every appropriate place, this book would be both hard to type and cumbersome to read. Therefore, I will use my pronouns randomly. I will just choose the gender that most people think the situation might apply to.
A suggestion: Let’s say you’ve read something in this book—or any book, for that matter—that ignites a spark in your mind. Or perhaps you find your pulse racing and you think what a couple did in a particular story sounds wonderful. They made love in his office—right on the desk—while the cleaning crew was in the next room. You take a deep breath; your knees quiver and your heart pounds. I’d love to be that brave, that free, that hot, you think.
Then you think some more. Maybe Charlie (or Charlene) wouldn’t like it. Maybe my husband will think I’m weird for even suggesting it. Then you remember how he reacted the last time you suggested something unusual, the funny look in his eyes, the subtle but, to you, obvious change in his body language.
Maybe my wife will reject me for even considering such a thing. She’ll decide that something’s wrong with our marriage. She’ll think I’m getting ideas because I’m having an affair.
No, you decide, you won’t mention it.
That night, sex is particularly stimulating because you’re picturing the office with the lights out and the sounds of vacuuming in the next room. You make love with new vigor, new enthusiasm.
That’s not all bad. Anything that leads to an evening of good sex is great. But what if you could mention your idea to your partner and give him time to digest the idea and consider that it might be fun to try. There’s a special delight when you introduce someone you care about to something that becomes a special favorite, sexual or not. I convinced Ed to try sushi for the first time and he got me to eat boiled peanuts, and both of us are better for that. New pleasures. But how? I’ve got an easy way for you to do that; I call it bookmarking.
Here’s how it works. Let’s say you find an arousing idea or a story about a couple making love in an exciting new way. Slip a bookmark into the book at the page where that new idea is mentioned. Put a second bookmark where a couple acts out the fantasy you would like to try, so your lover will understand what you’re doing.
Then put the book under your husband’s pillow, or in your wife’s briefcase. Give him time to read a bit and understand that you’re suggesting something wonderful—something new and a little scary, but wonderful. No, it’s not the specific idea that’s wonderful. What is wonderful is that you’re suggesting to him that you two try something different.
“Honey,” you might say, “this is an interesting book. I’d love it if you’d read a bit. There are two bookmarks. Why don’t you take a look at the sections I’ve selected?”
I think it’s fantastically brave and loving. You’re saying to your partner, Hey, I want to play with you. I don’t want merely to fantasize anymore. I don’t want to play with anyone else. I want to play with you because I love you and because I think we can both have fun with this.
Risky? Yes. But the risk carries a great reward.
What will he think when he begins to read? First will come the knee-jerk reaction. What’s the matter—what we have isn’t good enough? Where does she learn this stuff— from those silly women’s magazines? She’s a nice woman and can’t possibly be interested in that. Is she really saying she wants to try something kinky?
Then he’ll check to see where you’ve put your second bookmark. He’ll flip the pages and read. Nah, he’ll think, she can’t mean this. Can she? Would she?
There can be two possible outcomes. The best would be that he realizes this is an idea he’s been thinking about, too. Holy shit, he thinks, she really wants to do this? He’s delighted, excited, and, literally or figuratively, drags you off into the bedroom and … Well, you understand.
However, there is another possibility. Oh Lord, he thinks. She can’t want to do that. It’s sick, crazy, weird. How can I tell her that this turns me off totally?
How indeed? Remember that your partner has taken a great risk and shared her innermost fantasy with you. She has told you something wonderful and opened a dialogue by saying, Let’s play together. Well, isn’t there something that you’ve always wanted to try that you’ve never had the courage to share? I’ll bet there is. Aren’t you lucky that she took the risk first! Now you have the opportunity to share your desires, as well.
What to do? Mellow out and relax. Read through other sections of this book and move the bookmark to a story that makes you hot. Then return the book to your partner. How many times you move the bookmark is irrelevant. What’s important is that you’re communicating. You’re exploring things that might be fun, and eventually you will find one that gets both of you excited. Then go ravish each other. Do it. It’s all fun, as long as each of you gives and receives pleasure from the activity.
When you find something new and erotically exciting, go for it. You might get yourself into a silly situation that neither of you had anticipated. Okay, giggle. You might decide that something that sounded like a great idea turned out to be a lousy one. Say so.
If it’s wonderful, be encouraging. Purr, moan, say “That feels so good,” or “Move your hand over here a little bit.” Afterward, tell each other “That was terrific,” or say “That didn’t turn out quite the way I’d expected.” Communicate— out loud. This is all new and scary, but you’re together, and that makes so much possible.
Now let’s begin our journey into the realms of creative lovemaking and see what problems, solutions, suggestions, and new ideas are out there for a couple who has the courage to try.
2
Newly Partnered
Three boys—one English, one Italian, and one French—accidentally peeked into a motel window and saw a couple on their honeymoon bouncing around on the bed.
The English boy jumped back and said, “They’re fi ghting.”
The Italian boy looked at him incredulously. “You don’t know anything,” he said. “They’re making love.”
The French boy smiled softly. “Yes, they are. And badly, too.”
you’ve made the big decision. You and your partner are exclusive. Whether you’ve just gotten married or have recently moved in together, you’re committed. It’s a wonderful time, a time of exploration, a time of new discoveries about each other, a time of new adventures and new problems.
While you were dating, seeing each other a few times a week at best, you were hot for each other. You anticipated each meeting for hours, even days, being sure you looked your best, smelled your best, sounded your best. You dressed carefully, put on your best cologne, and jumped into bed whenever you had the time and the place. The time might have been during your lunch hour and the place might have been the backseat of your car in the parking lot, but you found time to be together. It was wonderful.
Now things are a bit different. You’re together every evening, every night. You go to sleep together and wake up together. You see him floss his teeth. He smells your morning breath. You see each other’s naked bodies before bed every night. By itself, that sight isn’t as stimulating as it used to be. Understandably, frequency cools the flames a bit. The urgency is gone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural part of getting to know each other. But many couples worry if the frequency drops from once a day to once or twice a week.
More than thirty-five years ago, before my seventeen-year marriage, my then boyfriend and I learned about sex together. We made love anywhere we could, from the front seat of his 1954 Ford to my living-room couch. What began with kissing escalated to petting, caressing, and mutual masturbation. We were, and had been, each other’s one and only, and we were hot together. By the time we were actually ready to remove our clothes and “do it,” we were so excited that our mating was fast and, although not orgasmic for me, satisfying. We made love anytime, anyplace we could.
Once we were married, however, I subtly set a few limitations. First, I limited our couplings to soft, comfortable surfaces. No more gearshift levers in awkward places, no rug burns from living-room floors, no scratchy sofa cushions. I wanted a bed. Next, I told my husband that I did not like love-making while I was menstruating. Many men and women find that there is no reason not to continue intercourse at those times, but it didn’t feel good to me, and it still doesn’t. So once sex was possible every evening if we wanted, I could suggest a few restrictions. My husband probably had his limits, too, but we never really discussed them. They just got subtly integrated into the pattern of our loving.
As a newlywed and a product of the sexually naïve society of the fifties, I was uneducated as to what to expect from a sexual relationship. The fact that I had never climaxed didn’t faze me. If the truth be told, I’m not sure I knew what an orgasm was until I had been married for more than ten years. However, what I didn’t know didn’t bother me.
Nowadays, women are, I hope, much more attuned to their own needs, both physical and emotional. Many women have explored their own sexuality with a number of partners, each learning and teaching the other, exploring the things that give pleasure. Although there are those who still, sadly, label masturbation “bad,” many women have learned about their own bodies by touching themselves—a fine art, which, unfortunately, I didn’t explore until after my thirtieth birthday.
As a woman, if you don’t already know your body and its pleasure and “hot buttons,” this might be a good time to learn, the way Sandy did.
SANDY’S STORY
Sandy lay in the bathtub, reading her newest romance novel. “He slipped his fingers between her legs,” she read, “and caressed her wet flesh. He felt her hips move as though they had a mind of their own. ‘Oh yes, my love,’ he crooned, ‘want me. I’ll give you so much pleasure….’ ”
Sandy’s eyes moved to the ceiling. Although she was nineteen, she had never really explored her own body. She had had intercourse many times over the past year with a few different boys in her classes at the local community college, and those times had been exciting and wonderful. But, she thought now, no one has ever slipped his fingers into my naked folds. How would it feel? she wondered.
Holding the book in one hand and rereading the last few sentences, she slipped the index finger of her other hand through her pubic hair and between her outer lips. This feels so slutty and dirty, she thought. But it also feels different. Her finger gently rubbed through the folds on either side of her swelling clitoris.
As her inquisitive finger slid farther back, she found her inner lips and the slippery substance oozing from inside her. “Ummm,” she heard herself purr. She gradually began to explore, touching places that she had never touched before, enjoying the pleasure of it. I never realized how nice this would feel, she thought. She slowly realized that her nipples were hardening and she was getting hungry. I want something inside my pussy, she realized. She looked around and saw her toothbrush in the glass beside the sink. I wonder …
She reached for the brush and then hesitated. I can’t do this, she thought. It’s kinky and perverse. But, she argued, it’s my body, and I can do with it what I want. And I want this.
She took the toothbrush and lowered it into the warm water. She slid the handle through the folds she had so recently explored for the first time with her finger. Her breathing faster now, she tentatively inserted the smooth plastic handle of the toothbrush into her slippery pussy. Marveling at the difference in feel between the water and her own juices, she rubbed the handle over her wet membranes. She lowered her dry hand into the water and rubbed her now-swollen clitoris. She found places that felt exceptionally good and then rubbed them more, until she felt the shudders of a small orgasm tremble through her body.
“Oh my,” she said later as she tossed the toothbrush into the sink. “Oh my.”
It is easy for a man to discover exactly what excites him. He usually explores his body and finds his erogenous zones at an early age. They’re so easy to find. They just stick out there in plain sight and within easy reach. Psychologists believe that every boy masturbates frequently before he reaches puberty, whether with a hand, while lying on his stomach on the floor, or while rubbing against a favorite toy. After puberty, hormones rage and erections are sudden and often unexpected. Many a teenaged boy has had to ride past his bus stop to avoid standing up and revealing his immense hard-on.
But here again, society makes things difficult.
“Don’t touch that; it’s dirty.”
“You’ll grow hair on your hands.”
“You’ll become desensitized, so you won’t be able to enjoy a woman.”
There are even parents who tell their sons, “You have only so many erections. Keep doing that and you’ll use them up. Then what?” Many men who’ve internalized this warning think that by age fifty they will be unable to have an erection—something that they believe is borne out by the natural changes that come with age, and which I will cover in chapter 5.
So we make a man ashamed and afraid of touching his own body. He will probably do it anyway, although he may become frustrated while desire wars with societal warnings.
As a society, we really mess with our children’s heads.
Eventually, with hormones rampant, young people begin to experiment with sex. They touch each other, rub, and finally try sexual intercourse. It’s wonderful and fulfilling, and soon everything else slips into the background. All they can think about is their next opportunity to be together, maybe with the time, the place, and the privacy to have intercourse. It’s probably not lovemaking yet, just acrobatic fucking, but it’s very satisfying.
The first step in establishing a mutually satisfying relationship is to know your own body. If you don’t, explore. After all, how can you help your partner learn what gives you pleasure if you haven’t found out yourself?
You and your partner have made the commitment to be a couple, but the animal heat has cooled a bit. Make that the good news. Now that you’re partners and have the time to learn and share, maybe the two of you can take this opportunity to learn not only about yourself but also about each other and what gives pleasure and what does not. In the story that follows, we meet up with Sandy a few years later. Although by now, Sandy has learned what pleases her body, discussing specific sexual matters with her new husband, Jake, isn’t always easy.
SANDY AND JAKE’S STORY
Sandy and Jake had met at an intersection when, as the result of a drunken driver, both Sandy’s Toyota and Jake’s Escort had been damaged. As they exchanged information, Jake had looked into Sandy’s deep brown eyes and suggested that they wait for the tow trucks in the diner just down the block. Coffee led to dinner, and seven months later, they were married.
About six weeks after the wedding, Sandy and Jake were lying in bed together, watching the evening news. “I’m finding it hard to come down after the awful day I had. I think I’ll take a bath,” Sandy said.
Playfully, Jake asked, “Can I join you?” “There’s not a lot of room in the tub,” Sandy said, smiling seductively and knowing that playing with her new husband was just the tonic she needed.
“That’s the idea,” Jake said, and soon they were naked and up to their chests in hot, soapy water.
“Is your leg comfortable?” Sandy asked as she shifted position.
Jake wiggled his toes, which were firmly pressed against Sandy�
��s hip. “Fine,” he said, taking the soap from the holder and working up a thick lather in his hands. “Let me wash your shoulders.” He rubbed his slippery hands over Sandy’s neck and upper arms, then down her breasts.
“Ooh baby,” Sandy said, “we won’t get much washing done if you keep that up.”
“I’m keeping it up, okay?” Jake said, swirling his soapy fingers over Sandy’s wet breast. “Feel.” While massaging one globe, Jake took Sandy’s hand and guided it between his legs to his hard cock.
“You certainly are up,” Sandy said, grinning. Jake was always hot for her, and she lusted after him, as well.
“Do you like the way my hand feels?” Jake asked on the spur of the moment.
“Of course,” Sandy said, enjoying the feel of Jake’s fingers on her breast and her hand wrapped around his cock.
Jake slid his hand lower and rubbed Sandy’s belly. It was all Sandy could do not to pull away as Jake found her most ticklish spots. “You don’t really like where I’m touching you now, do you?” Jake persisted.
“It’s just that I’m ticklish,” Sandy admitted, and she felt Jake’s hand stop.
“You don’t like being tickled, do you?”
“Not really.”
“So why don’t you just tell me to stop? Or move my hand?”
Sandy hesitated. “It’s hard to tell you I don’t like something you do.”
“But how else am I supposed to know? I want to do things that give you pleasure, not things that make you uncomfortable.”
“I know that, silly,” Sandy said.
“But how can I do that if you don’t tell me what you like, or at least what you don’t like? I’m not a mind reader, you know.”
When Sandy had no answer, Jake slipped his fingers into Sandy’s pussy hair. “Do you like it when I do this?” he asked. “I really want to touch you in all the best places.”
“What you’re doing feels good,” Sandy said, sighing.
Now and Forever--Let's Make Love Page 2