by H. J. Bellus
“911 State Your Emergency.”
“I need an ambulance now! 420 Walnut Street. My best friend has slit her wrists. There is fucking blood everywhere. Hurry!”
“Help is on the way, ma’am. Try to stay calm and check for a pulse.”
“My hands are covering her wrists I don’t want to move them. Her chest is barely rising up and down.”
“Stay calm. Help is on the way.”
“God damn it, Lacey! You can’t do this. You can’t leave me. You’re my sister, Mac’s godmother and my fucking person. God damnit! You stupid bitch. Fight, God Dammit! Fight for me. I love you, Lacey.”
I was pushed off her onto the floor by the paramedics. They took her away. I stayed huddled on the floor of her bedroom covered in her blood crying until Cree found me.
***
Present Day at Rehab with Tripp
I explained all this to Tripp.
“Where is she, Milly?”
“She’s alive. She spent over a week in the hospital and then was sent to a high security rehab center. She’s since left the hospital and is now in a rehab trying to heal from the inside out. I’ve given her every one of your letters.”
Tripp instantly crumbled, falling to his knees and losing all sense of control. I’ve seen pissed off men before, but nothing like this. Deep growls and wild rage escaped him. Two gentlemen ran outside and restrained him, guiding him through his meltdown.
The one man instructed Tripp, “Let it out, Tripp. Feel the pain. You have to feel the pain.”
Tripp picked up his head and roared with horror, “Lacey tried to kill herself because of me! I did more than hurt her.”
***
Tripp
The happiest day of my life quickly turned into the worst. Daniel and my counselor took me into a small room and tried working me through my emotions. When that didn’t work, they sedated me and tried again. A fresh new scar permanently imprinted on my fucked up being. Hours later I left rehab. The rest of the day was a blur.
Chapter 13
My Scars, My Beauty
Lacey
(Lacey’s Journal Entries)
May 7th
Today is the day that Tripp gets to go home. Milly has given me every single one of his letters and updated me on his progress. I’m so proud of him and know that he’s truly a changed man this time. I haven’t been brave enough to respond to any of his letters yet. My life coach, Janie, said it’ll take time.
May 11th
I talked about my father to my counselor. I let everything out. I told her a sin for a sin wasn’t how I wanted to live the rest of my life. She had me write my father and mother a letter. We went to their graves and I read each one of them. I felt blood dribble down my legs and ooze out of my wrists as I read the letters. I had to keep reminding myself that no one could make me bleed anymore. I had the power to take charge. I also had to continually remind myself that I was worth it.
May 15th
Milly came to visit me today. I fucking love her with my whole being. We’ve gone through several counseling sessions together to overcome the tragedy of the day she found me bleeding out. She saved my life that night and I owe her everything. Today we completed a ropes obstacle course together. In true character we laughed and had several PMP moments. The obstacle instructor was not impressed. She stayed to have dinner with me and told me that Tripp bought my salon. She also told me that he has started his own construction company and asks about me every day. I told Milly I needed her to stay longer. Surprise! The hooker is lying next to me in my bed while I finish this entry. We plan on a candy buffet in bed and reality TV for the rest of the night. She is currently warming our candy in her boobies. Nothing beats soft taffy! Okay…maybe hot sex. Peace Out, Girl Scouts!
May 20th
I finally wrote Tripp a letter. My counselor helped me and reassured me that feeling love for him was okay. I still love the man with my whole heart. I discussed my fears with Janie. I was afraid that two fucked-up people could never ever work. She gave me the best advice ever. She told me that Tripp and I were two broken souls who needed to work together every day to find our happiness, and that if I loved him, not to worry how broken we were. Instead, just be. She encouraged me to write to him and invite him to group counseling. I did.
May 22nd
I am a bundle of happy and shit-ass crazy nerves. Tomorrow is the first day that I’ll see Tripp since the day we both shattered. I love the man with my whole heart and only hope he can see past all my scars. I still had to tell him about my past.
May 23rd
Okay, I’m supposed to be walking out of my room to meet Tripp—right fucking now! But seriously, I just shit and pissed myself at the same time. I have chewed a pack of gum and swear my mouth still tastes like dog shit from nerves. This is the first time I have been scared since I was fourteen. I feel it.
***
Lacey
May 23rd at Rehab
I finally found the courage deep down in my big girl panties to step out of my room. At the end of the hall I spotted my gentle Beast. His hair had grown out into a beautiful messy masterpiece. His blue jeans hugged his sexy thick legs as he stood there with a huge smile plastered on his face. He was all sorts of sexy in his statuesque pose and new found beaming confidence.
Shit! I should have dressed up a little to be able to match his beauty. My poor hair was way overgrown and wild with my hot pink highlights fading. I piled it all up on my head with a purple headband holding everything back. I decided on black yoga pants and a white wife beater to display my new ink that was freshly healed on the tops of my shoulders.
My future stood in front of me and I walked fearlessly towards it this time. It wasn’t easy, but I wanted it. No, I deserved it. My pace picked up a little and morphed into a quick jog towards Tripp. Noting my excitement, Tripp sprinted towards me, covering more ground than my short legs could. I jumped up into his arms and wrapped my legs around him. Home sweet home, I thought, as I took in his aroma and melted.
“I love you, Tripp!”
“I love you, Princess.”
I bit down on the lobe of his ear at the mention of princess and then it hit me. I am a princess, god damn it, and not any princess, but his princess. A princess that deserved the world and cussed like a motherfucking trucker and happy in her own skin. I missed being called that stupid ass name.
“I missed being your Princess,” I whispered into his ear and then nuzzled down into the curve of his neck.
We didn’t kiss. We just held on to each other for dear life. Tripp set me down and picked up both my wrists and pressed a soft kiss to each of the freshly healed scars that now marred my body. They were the one thing I was nervous about him seeing, but he took care of that obstacle right off the bat.
“What is this?” he said, rubbing my shoulder over my new ink.
“I decided that I was hopelessly in love with someone and wanted some new ink to show it.”
It was the outline of a pulse line from a heart monitor running through it and the words “My Today” sprawled across it in cursive.
“And this?” he asked, rubbing his lips over my other shoulder.
“That one is for the man who owns my entire fucking heart.”
It was the word “Beast” in a thick gothic font across my other shoulder. Tripp reached down and kissed each one of my shoulders. He then traced the outline of his name with his index finger while silent tears ran down his cheeks. Tripp gently rested his forehead on the top of my shoulder while still holding me in his arms.
“I thought I lost you, Lace,” he whispered into me.
“I thought I lost myself,” I replied and craned to kiss his cheek.
The taste of my Beast lingered on my lips and I instantly wanted more. He was going to be mine forever.
“I love the tats. You’ve no idea how grateful I am to be here. Thank you. Thank you for giving me another chance.”
“We have to make it. I need you to breathe. You’re my everything and I
don’t care anymore how messed up I am. All I know is that I need you today, and the rest of my todays.”
Tripp and I went off to our first counseling session together. It started out easy and light, but quickly became dark. It was time to tell Tripp. I climbed up into his lap and the very detailed memory came back to me. Staring into his eyes I recalled every single last biting, horrid part of it.
***
I can’t be pregnant. I’m only fourteen. My mother died two months ago, leaving me with my father. My heart broke the day I lost her, and now it’s completely shattered. I’m pregnant and have never even had a boyfriend or been with a boy. I’m fucking fourteen years old!
My flesh was still ripped and burning from this morning. I could feel the blood dribbling down the inside of my leg into my blood soaked socks. My body was still unable to endure the brute force of the evil monster that ravages my most private parts whenever he wants. The motherfucker who did this to me was now passed out on the couch. My father has been raping me for the last year, and now I’m pregnant.
Since Momma died, he’s been raping me two or three times a day. Today would be the last time he ever touched me again.
I grabbed a gas can from the garage and started spraying gasoline all over the living room. Armed with matches, I picked up my duffle bag and struck the match. I walked away from my childhood.
I heard sirens as I walked down the sidewalk away from my father’s burning body. He broke me for the last time. He left his only child demolished of all feeling and trust. I lost the only Lacey I knew that day.
I slept in the park that night. I then hitchhiked into Denver to start a new life and met Jake.
***
I gently squeezed my eyes shut and started to tell my story. My heart couldn’t bear to see Tripp’s face while I told him about my past. I didn’t cry or hurt anymore when I retold the story to Tripp. I owned it and remained on his lap while I divulged all the details. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around me and cried like a baby for two hours while I recounted the pain and memories that the monster created.
Janie worked us both through the delicate steps of accepting my past. Tripp visited me every day for the next two weeks. We went to counseling and ate dinner together. This part was like old times. I sat curled up in Tripp’s lap and ate off of his plate. He always brought a tub of Rocky Road ice cream with him.
Janie had suggested that we refrain from having sex for at least another month while we continued to grow as individuals and as a couple. She wanted us to both be strong before we dove off into the deep end of the pool. Through our journeys, we both found that we were addicted to sex, each for a different reason, but it was still a fact that we had to face together as a couple.
The hardest counseling session for me was when Tripp told me what happened the night Jake and Sam took him out. It hurt me to hear how angry and jealous he was about Jake’s arrival and it completely devastated me when he went into detail about the bar and the girls. It hurt and it sucked, but I had to hear him and feel the pain.
It was finally time to go home. Tripp and I decided we were going to move into the cabin together. Janie was nervous about our decision, but we knew what we needed, and it was each other. We also were going to be seeing a counselor in our hometown weekly.
Tripp and Milly cleaned out my apartment and sold it. Tripp had bought my salon and was currently remodeling it just for me. He claimed that it was way too dumpy for his Princess. He figured that the old bags would just have to get over it if they came back to work for me. He was also building his office in my salon. It would be an extra addition to the building. I was very excited to have Tripp’s office right next to me. I’m sure we would eventually need counseling on staying focused on our jobs, but we would cross that path when we got there.
Today my family was picking me up. There was a small ceremony that each patient went through when they left the facility. I was ready to be showered in love and take the commitment of always loving myself. My dark days were behind me. I was ready for my sunshine.
Tripp, Cree, Milly, Willow, and Greyson were my family. They came together to pick me up. Each and every one of them was special to me. Willow and Milly helped me pack up my room and get all hoochified for my ceremony.
“I want to tell you how much I love you! I know I joke around a lot and do lots of name calling, but listen to me when I tell you that I need you for the rest of my life and I love you,” I said.
My emotional Milly was bawling and Willow was following suit. The three of us were tangled together in a hug in the middle of my room. It was time to cut this short because I had big plans for Tripp today.
“Bitches, quit with the tears and let’s blow this popsicle joint.”
Chapter 14
A Little Girl’s Dream
Tripp
Lacey’s release ceremony was absolutely mind-blowing and simply beautiful. I cried fucking harder than Milly, and it didn’t even make me feel like a pussy. Stuffed in Cree’s truck, Lacey insisted on sitting on my lap and Cree had a complete come apart about her safety. He was always wearing the dad hat.
“Listen up, creepers, I have something to say. First, thank you to all of you for coming and supporting my healed-up sexy, sexy ass. Second, I want to share something with you that is very personal and private.”
Lacey started to tear up, so I squeezed her. I have not seen her cry this whole time in rehab.
“Let it go, Lacey,” I whispered in ear.
I started rubbing her back and kept my other hand clutched around her. She had me, and could fall on me any time or moment, and I would be there for her. Her tears were now flowing in thick hot streams down her pink cheeks.
“I want to take you guys to my childhood home where I was broken in every which way possible. My little girl hopes and dreams went up in flames there and I need you guys to go back there with me to get closure. The last time I was there, I walked away from my father’s burning body with blood running down my legs from his abuse. I can’t let that memory run my life anymore. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that girl, and every time I look at the scars on my wrists, I see her. I don’t want to see that girl anymore.”
The truck fell silent with the last of Lacey’s words. The devastation and pain this girl has lived through deemed unimaginable.
“Give me the address,” Cree said.
The silence was simply deafening. What could a person say in a moment this horrific? As we neared the address, Lacey’s sobs grew louder. Her body shook with horror and all I could do was hold onto her.
Cree pulled up to a vacant lot with a house that had partially been scorched to the ground. The surrounding houses were vacant and dilapidated. This was the place where all of Lacey’s nightmares began and ended. We all stepped out of the truck. Lacey leaned over the sidewalk and started puking. We stood huddled around her, waiting for her to regain some sort of composure.
We walked around the house with her while she sifted through some of the rubble and junk left behind. I noticed an old broken pink rocking chair. I remembered Lacey telling me about it one night, that her mother had built it for her. I mindlessly picked it up, and then we all went into the garage together. The empty gas can still sat on the shelf. Lacey ran over to the shelf and knocked everything off it, then she started throwing things and screaming. We all stood back and watched as all of her fury exited her body.
“I fucking hate you. I hate what you did to me and how you made me feel. I hate that you made me kill a baby! I. Fucking. Hate. You.”
We continued to stand there and watch Lacey release all of her demons. All of us had tears streaming down our cheeks because we couldn’t help her now. We could only be here for her.
“You no longer hold any power over me. Do you hear me, Dad? I did what I did to survive. I have a new family. You are finally dead to me.”
With those final words, Lacey collapsed on the floor of the filthy garage and I instantly picked her up and cradled her in my arms
like a newborn baby.
“I’m ready to go, Tripp,” she whispered into my ear.
I took her to the truck and motioned for Greyson to pick up the old rocking chair I had been packing and a little dusty tricycle that sat in the corner.
I settled back into the truck with Lacey bundled up in my arms. Her tears were gone and her body was starting to slowly return to a normal state.
She lifted her head and whispered into my ear, “Marry me today, Tripp.”
“What did you just say?”
“You heard me: Marry me. Marry me today. I want to be your wife and put this day behind me forever.”
She then slipped a silver band around my finger. The little shit just proposed to me, stealing all my thunder. I wouldn’t expect anything less of my Princess. I pulled out her diamond ring from my pocket, slipped it on her finger and simply winked at her.
“Hey, cuz, take us to the nearest courthouse please.”
She turned around in my lap, facing me with her arms hooked around my neck. To say she looked shocked would be the understatement of the fucking century.
“I wanted to ask you tonight. I bought the ring the day I left rehab, after Milly told me everything that had happened. It had been my little piece of hope that I’ve carried around in my pocket since that day.”
“I love you, Tripp.”
“Wait until you see the cabin, Lace. I went balls to the wall to make it perfect for my proposal.”
“I guess I know where we’re going for our honeymoon then,” Lacey whispered into my mouth as she placed a kiss on my lips.
***
Lacey
We stopped at a little boutique in Fort Collins to buy me a dress. I didn’t want to get a dress, but my damn mushy friends insisted. Tripp sent us in with his debit card. I tried to refuse it, claiming that the bride’s family was supposed to pay for everything and he reminded me that he didn’t give a fuck about “supposed to’s.”