“That can’t be true. Everyone is good at something, you just haven’t found your mojo yet.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh, partially because of what he said, and how he’s acting like an adviser to me. “Ok, well I know being an engineer is out, and I’m certainly no domestic goddess, so what’s in between those two things?”
He drops my hair and takes on a serious look. “Hmm… Well, do you like history, or social studies?”
Oh, he has got to be joking. “Are you really giving me career counseling right now?”
“Well, no. Maybe. A little. I’m just trying to help. Maybe you can come to USC with me.” He smiles and he looks so cute, I can quickly forget about his quirky attempts to guide me. When he leans over to kiss me, I kiss him back. He doesn’t push himself on me, he just kisses my lips over and over, really tender. I want more. I put my hand on his face and try to bring him closer. His glasses get in the way, so he takes them off and tosses them on a side table.
I’m waiting for him to kiss me again. He comes very close and traces my lips with his fingertip. He gives me another very soft kiss and moves his hand to my knee. He parts my lips with his tongue and kisses me hard. Then he stops. He backs away and says, “I really like you, Raina.”
“I really like you, too.” I’m a little confused; if he likes me, then why did he stop?
He moves a little farther away from me, but he’s turned so he can see me better. He runs his fingers through my hair. “I’d like to take you on a date, like out to dinner.”
“I’ve already eaten.”
He smiles. “No, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow night?”
“Oh, um, sure.” I see now that he plans on being a gentleman. No more kisses tonight.
“Give me your number.” He takes out his cell phone, ready to add me to his contact list.
I give it to him. I wonder if I should be offended that he’d rather put me in his phone instead of paying more attention to me when I’m right next to him. I give him my number. He taps away.
“I should go,” I say. I stand up to leave.
“I’ll walk you home,” Zac says.
“It’s just right there,” I say. It’s sweet of him, but it seems a bit overprotective.
“I’ll just walk with you. Not because I’m worried you won’t make it home ok, I know you’ll be fine. I just want to.”
He must know how that sounds, because he won’t look me in the eyes when he says it. It’s too silly to argue about. “Fine,” I give in.
Once outside, I see a large pickup truck parked in front of my house. “It’s Kyle’s,” I say out loud as soon as I recognize it from his garage.
“You’re mom’s boyfriend?”
“The very same.” I forget that Zac is with me and I march across the street.
At the door Zac says, “Good night, Raina. I hope everything goes ok with your mom and Kyle.”
“Huh?” I say, having mentally left Zac already. I force a smile to show that I’m fine and give him a hug. He kisses me, I pull away. He had his chance.
Mom must have heard me unlock and open the door, because she’s right in front of me before I can step past the foyer.
“Hello, sweetheart!” She pulls me to the dining room and then gives me a big hug; I guess she wants Kyle and Grandpa to see the show of affection. She doesn’t look fazed by the fact that my arms never left my side as she embraced me.
“Hi, Mom,” I say. I look over at Kyle and Grandpa sitting at the table and say hi to them.
They’re both staring at us—at me. I look back at my mom. “What’s going on?”
“Well, Raina, we just came by to give you and Dad the good news! Kyle has proposed to me. Isn’t that great?”
“What?” I say. How could she be thinking of getting married again already?
Before I have the chance to say anything else, Grandpa says, “Not likely. You two are not getting married, and you’re not moving in with this boy, Rachel. That’s final!”
He slams his fist on the table so hard that coffee spills out of his cup and onto the newspaper. I think he might make a fuss over the wet paper; I know him to be very particular about the condition of his paper, but he doesn’t even look at it.
Kyle stands up. “Mr. LaCroix, I love your daughter, and I will take care of her.”
“No, you will not take care of her, Kyle.” He’s seemingly calmer, but he says Kyle’s name as though it disgusts him. I know my grandfather is seething inside.
“Dad, I’m an adult. David is dead, remember?” She pulls me next to her and holds her arm around my shoulder. “Raina is here, remember? Your granddaughter? She needs you. And I need to be with Kyle.”
I hate the way she’s talking to him like a child. I think he does too, but it’s hard to tell. I can see that he’s processing what she’s saying as if it’s new information. He looks at me; I don’t think I can help him. I see a glint of recognition, and then it’s gone.
“No,” Grandpa says. “Where is your mother?”
“Dead, Daddy, she’s dead. Your wife is dead and gone and so is my husband. Now I’m tired of talking about this as though I’m a child who needs your permission. I’m not here to ask you, I’m here to tell you. Now I’m leaving.” Her arm drops from me as Kyle moves to be by her side. “We’re leaving.”
“Wait,” I say. “What about me? Don’t I have a say in this? I don’t want you to go; I never wanted you to go. You moved me here without caring about what I want. And you still don’t care!”
She looks exhausted. “Oh, Raina, what do you want?”
Well, that’s a good question. Of course, I want everything back the way it was, but I know that’s impossible. I want her to stay, but that seems impossible too. I feel like I’m on a game show and I’ve just been asked a million-dollar question and I only get one chance to get it right. And the clock is ticking.
Kyle steps up and says, “What do you want, Raina? Would you like to come stay with us? The kids would love to have you. You know, they’ll be your brother and sister once we’re married. Your mom said you always wanted a big family, so how about it? Come stay with us. We have plenty of room.”
He sounds sincere, but when I look at Mom I see that she’s shaking her head. She doesn’t want me, but she doesn’t want to say it out loud.
Tick tick, tick tick. What’s your answer, Miss Mitchell? What do you want?
“I want to go live with Grandma and Grandpa Mitchell in Nebraska! They said I could. They said I always have a home there. That’s what I want.” Any doubt that I had has vanished and I realize that what I’ve just said is true. If I can’t have my dad back, then being with his parents is the closest thing.
“No,” Mom says. “You need to stay here with your grandfather. And I can’t have you so far away. I’d miss you too much.”
“You’d miss me?”
Kyle jumps in. “Now, Rachel, maybe we should consider it.”
“We?” I turn to him and say. “Since when did what I do or where I go become a decision that you are involved in?”
Grandpa says, “No one is going anywhere! Rachel, Jacob, you go to your rooms, right now!” He moves a step closer to Mom and Kyle. I think he actually may punch Kyle—his hand is clenched into a fist, and I haven’t seen him like this.
“No, Daddy. We’re leaving.” Mom grabs a visibly angry Kyle by the arm and begins to pull on him. I imagine the only thing keeping him from challenging my grandfather is my mom pulling him out the door.
I try to follow them. “Mom, no! Don’t leave me!” But I know it’s useless. Without another word, Mom and Kyle leave and close the door.
I turn back and see Grandpa, still standing with his fists by his side.
“I’m going to my room,” I say.
“Good. And stay there until your mother gets home.”
I know I shouldn’t provoke him in this situation, but I’m angry and I have no one else to take it out on. I shout back at him, “My mother just left, and she’s not
coming back!”
I turn and run down the hall to my room. I close the door and lock it. From the edge of my bed I watch the door to see if he comes after me. He doesn’t.
***
When enough time has passed, I leave the safety of my room and go to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I spend longer than usual splashing water on my face, but it does little to improve my mood. Before I go back to my room, I look in Mom’s room. She’s spent very little time here. I feel like she deposited me here and left me for Kyle and their new family. I know it’s for good this time; when she left, she took all her bags. I leave her room and close the door without making a sound.
My bed feels good. I curl up in the covers and look out the window. The stars are shining bright; or maybe it’s a full moon. I should get up and pull the shade down, the curtains aren’t keeping the light out. But I’m too tired to move. The curtains begin to blow in the breeze. I don’t remember opening the window; Mom must have done it when she was here with Kyle. Or Grandpa was in here.
The light outside seems to be getting brighter and I feel the warmth coming into my room. I want to kick off my blanket but I’m so tired, I can’t move. I close my eyes. When I open them I see light flickering outside my window. And it’s so hot, I’m sweating. But still, I can’t move.
Bang, bang, bang! Someone’s pounding on my door so hard, I think it might burst open. It must be Grandpa, but I’m scared of him right now. He’s so angry. Who’s he angry at? Me? No. But I can’t remember who.
Bang, bang, bangbangbang! continues from the door, but my back is turned to it. Outside the window the light glows brighter. And the noise, the crackling, I know that noise. I can’t think of the word, what is it . . .
“Fire!” I hear from the other side of the door. It’s Grandpa.
That’s it! I try to scream, “Help! I can’t move!” But I don’t know if he can hear me. I’m not sure if I even said that out loud.
The door opens with a slam. I can’t turn around. I try to talk, but nothing comes out. The fire has reached the window. I need help. Why isn’t he helping me?
I think this might be a nightmare, but I feel the heat from the fire. I know this is real. I struggle to move, to kick off the covers, or at least turn my head so I can see if Grandpa is in the room with me. He must be confused; that’s why he’s not helping me. I need to shake off whatever is keeping me from moving so we can get out of here!
The window explodes with a loud crash and broken glass sprays my room. I’m covered in shards that radiate a brilliant orange color. The blaze reaches inside like fingers reaching for an object in the dark. The fingers become long and stretch themselves inside to hover over my bed as if I was the lost object.
I’m encased by fire, yet I’m not burned. Then I see him out of the corner of my eye. The devil.
“What do you want from me?”
“Sacrifice,” he says.
“I’ve given enough up in sacrifice!”
“I say when it’s enough!” He slams his fist into the wall and it disintegrates, and then all the walls fall like dominoes. What should be another house outside my room is just dark nothing.
The fire recedes and I am once again able to move. “I’m not scared of you. You’re not real, you’re just my imagination gone crazy while I sleep. Soon I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”
“No.” He points to where the door once was and a figure of a person walks out of the darkness.
I know it is my father before I see him, but when I do see him it breaks my heart all over again. He’s burnt from head to toe. His uniform is scorched and hangs on him like rags. I hide my face in my hands. “Why are you doing this to me?” I say as loud as I can. My tears feel like they pour from my soul. My brave front is gone, and I don’t know how much more I can bear.
The devil spreads his wings and wraps himself in them. He changes from black to white, from scaly to soft. His wings are covered in feathers like a bird’s. Like an angel. He opens his wings and reveals a form that’s almost human. “Would you come with me now?” he says in a soft, childlike voice.
“Why do you want me so bad?”
“Because it’s what you want. Deep down, when your father died, you wanted to go with him. Your unspoken words weigh heavy on your heart. Everyone tells you he’s in a better place, and if that’s true, then why should you stay in hell?”
I have thought those things. When evil invades my mind, I push it away because I know it’s wrong. But evil has come to the surface and is speaking my thoughts with an angel’s voice. I can’t deny it anymore. I’m scared that this fight within me will never end; that this is what life has planned for me. It is right; this is hell. Hell on earth. And Dad is in a better place.
Bang, bang! “Raina!”
My eyes open and I sit up with a jolt of energy. My room is restored; there is no fire.
“Raina Rae!” It’s Grandpa.
I throw the covers off and rush to open the door. The lock fights me. I take a deep breath and try again and this time I open the door.
Grandpa is on the other side. He looks different, and I realize he’s not wearing his glasses. He’s in his pajamas, which I’ve only seen him wear once before.
“What is it?” I say.
“What’s going on in here? I heard screaming.” He pushes past me and into my room.
“Just a bad dream, I’m fine.”
He squints to see without his glasses and inspects my room, even my closet. “Didn’t sound fine.”
“I’m ok. Really.” I force a smile.
He doesn’t looks convinced, but with one final scan of my room he gives me a nod. “Well, I’ve been knocking and calling for you with no answer. Leave this door unlocked from now on.”
“I don’t lock it for—”
He interrupts, “I said leave it unlocked, Raina.”
“Yes, sir.”
He turns to leave. I say, “Wait.” When he turns back I throw my arms around his neck and hug him. He hugs me back.
***
I feel like I got no sleep last night, and the girl in the mirror with dark circles under her eyes agrees. The sound of my phone ringing startles me out of my gaze.
I can’t find it. “Where are you, phone?” I search in my purse, and in my race to answer it I dump the contents on my bed.
It’s Zac. “Hello?”
“Hi,” he says. “How are you this morning?”
“Ok, I guess. Tired.”
“Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to do something today. I was thinking maybe we could go to the aquarium. I know it’s kind of touristy, but you’ve been here a month now so you’re officially not a tourist.” There’s a faint laughter in his voice.
I’m sure he hoped I’d be a little more enthusiastic and happy to hear from him. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t want to disappoint him. “Sure, that sounds like fun.” It’s not a total lie; I hope I can take my mind off my problems for the day and have some fun.
“Good, it will be fun. And we can get that dinner I promised you afterwards. Will you be ready in an hour?”
“Sure.”
“Ok, I’ll come get you then.”
“Wait, maybe it would be easier if I walked over there. My grandfather is old-fashioned and I don’t want him to give us a hard time.”
“No problem. See you soon.”
I wear shorts and a tank top since it’s so hot out. Zac is dressed in light-blue pants and a button-up shirt.
“Should I change?” I say.
“You look great, Raina. Don’t change.”
He makes me smile and I feel happier already.
The humidity outside is nothing compared to inside the aquarium. I’m glad I took the time to run a flat iron through my hair. We walk casually, looking at fish in their tanks and manmade ponds, and then we move on to the next one. There are benches in front of the shark tank. One is empty, so we sit.
“Not bad, huh?” he says. “We don’t have a Six Flags or anyth
ing, but we have all this.” He motions his arm out like a model on a game show would show the prizes that contestants can win.
“Yeah, this is nice. Do you come here a lot?”
“I’ve been a few times with my dad.”
“You’ve never talked about your dad before.”
“Not much to say. He’s remarried, and lives in Baton Rouge. He came here to see me a few years ago and brought me here. I remember liking it.”
“Are you mad at him for not seeing you more often?”
“No. I know he loves me, but it just didn’t work out with my mom and him. I’ve been to see him. I couldn’t help but like his wife.”
“Maybe the fact that you like her is why you’re not mad.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. Not all divorces are ugly. Sometimes people just fall out of love. So why should they stay married? Not for my sake. I knew they didn’t love each other. I think they once did, but not anymore. Dad’s happy now.”
“What about your mom, is she happy now?”
“Happier, I think. She does what she wants, when she wants.”
“Does she date?”
“She has a few times, but no, not really.”
“Oh. Well, I’d like to think that one day I won’t be so mad about my mom moving in with Kyle.”
“I didn’t know she moved in with him.”
“Yeah, the last time I saw you and his truck was at my house. They were there to get her things and tell my grandfather.”
“And how did that go?”
“Badly.”
“Sorry.”
“Whatever. I guess I want her to be happy like you want your dad to.”
“You don’t sound convinced about that.”
“I’m not, but I’m trying.”
“It may take time. You wouldn’t want her to be lonely though, would you?”
“She wouldn’t be lonely; she has me and Grandpa.”
“I don’t think that’s the same.”
“No. I know.” Deep down I do know, but I still wish we were enough for her. I don’t really want to talk about it, so I turn the subject back to him. “Anyway, you don’t look like your mom, you must look like your dad.”
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