A Glittering Chaos

by de Nikolits, Lisa

  His mind is an absolute blank.

  “He told me it would help me see the test better,” the girl sobs. “First I just had to take my shoes off and then my socks and he rubbed me and then he put my foot in his mouth and he used his tongue!” She wails the last word and sobs even more hysterically.

  The receptionist moves the equipment to the side and puts her arm around the girl. “Come on. Come with me.”

  She glances at Hans as she leads the girl away but he is bent forward, studying his hands.

  He is considering his options.

  It is safe to say that his career is over. And the same, no doubt, can be said for his marriage.

  And, since he is out of funds, Juditha is also out of the picture. But what would she say to him now, if he were talking to her? He thinks that apart from instructing him to stop drinking and dreaming murderous thoughts, she would tell him to find joy in his day.

  Hans gets up and collects his car keys. He walks past his colleagues who are all huddled around the hysterical girl.

  “You’ll pay for this,” one of his former best friends shouts. “She’s the same age as my daughter, you sick pervert.”

  But Hans hardly hears him. He gets into his car and starts the engine. Then he backs up, makes a perfect turn and heads out to find his joy.

  Three

  war is no longer declared

  but rather continued

  27.

  WHEN HANS DOES NOT come home that night, Melusine is both concerned and angry. She is sure that a part of him is trying to provoke her but she does not know what sought-after response he is looking for, and she thinks that perhaps he does not know himself.

  She stays awake all night, sitting in the kitchen and worrying. She goes to work the next morning, exhausted and silent.

  The second night of his absence sees her frightened. It is cold outside and she has no idea where he could be. She wonders if she should call Jonas, or the police. Or Hans’s colleagues. Or Ana and Dirk. But again, she does nothing, choosing with her stubborn pride to believe instead that he is on a bender; one that will punish her sufficiently and see him work all this nonsense out of his system.

  On the third day, she calls in sick and stays at home and that night, she phones Jonas who immediately gets in his car and comes over.

  “He’d never leave Mimi for this long,” he says to Melusine. They are both standing in the kitchen, looking out the window as if they expect Hans’s car to pull into the driveway at any moment.

  “Previously he wouldn’t, you’re right,” Melusine agrees, “but everything’s changed now. Oh, Jonas. Do you think we should call the police?”

  He chews his lip. “Yes. I’ll call.”

  Neither of them can believe this is happening and the conversation with the polizeikommissar feels surreal.

  “Perhaps he’s gone on a business trip that he forgot to mention,” the officer suggests to Jonas. “Have you spoken to his colleagues?”

  Jonas relays this to Melusine and she shakes her head, no. The police officer asks for a description of Hans and Jonas hands the phone to Melusine.

  “He’s about six foot two, he has blonde hair, a very high forehead. He’s thin and he would have been dressed in a suit and tie. Um, I can’t think of anything else.”

  “Does he have seizures or take any medication?”

  “No, he’s just a normal guy.” She wonders if she should say anything about Hans’s drinking but decides against it.

  “Give his colleagues a call first thing in the morning. And now that we have the car license and a description, I’ll put out a call for our guys to be on the lookout. You should also phone the hospitals. And try not to worry too much. These things are usually nothing more than a man needing to let off some steam. If you don’t have any luck, then come in tomorrow and we’ll file a missing person’s report.”

  Melusine and Jonas phone all the hospitals in the town and the surrounding areas but Hans has not been admitted to any of them. They do not know whether to feel relieved or further concerned.

  They stay up all night talking and waiting, once again hoping that Hans will simply come home.

  Melusine finally tells Jonas about the Healing Lives Ministries and he is immediately convinced that they are involved in Hans’s disappearance. Jonas insists they must tell the police about them and Melusine says they will, in the morning.

  The next morning, they decide to go straight to Hans’s workplace; they’re unable to sit still any longer and feel the need to start searching physically.

  They are silent as they drive to Hans’s office. They have not been there often as Hans discouraged what he referred to as unprofessional familial relationships during working hours. He had made a point of asking them to never even phone him there.

  They pull into the parking lot and see that Hans’s allocated spot is empty. Jonas nevertheless chooses to park elsewhere, as if leaving his father’s place untouched might somehow forestall disaster.

  “I’m coming in with you,” he says when he sees that his mother is about to tell him to wait in the car. “I’m not a baby. Whatever’s happened, I need to know.”

  “I’m sure that nothing’s happened,” Melusine says but her words ring false to both of them.

  They climb the concrete steps to the front door and a buzzer sounds as they enter.

  The receptionist, who knows Melusine from Christmas parties, takes one look at them and pales.

  “Frau Meier, please sit down, let me call Herr Hinkle for you.”

  She rushes away from them as fast as she can.

  “That doesn’t bode well,” Jonas comments and Melusine takes his hand, more for her own comfort than his.

  “Melu!” Bill is overly hearty. “And Jonas, look at you, all grown up. Listen, why don’t both of you come with me? We can talk in private.”

  Melusine and Jonas exchange a glance. So there is something to talk about. Something bad.

  They follow Bill to his office and sit down. Bill closes the door behind them.

  “Don’t sugar-coat it, Bill,” Melusine says bluntly. “Just tell us what’s going on.”

  Bill nods. “Let me ask you first, when last did you see Hans?”

  “Monday night. And frankly, he wasn’t doing too well.”

  “My dear, I can tell you now that however badly he was doing on Monday night, he fared far worse on Tuesday,” Bill says and he leans his chin on the tips of his steepled fingers.

  “Cut the crap, Bill, and get to the point,” Melusine says and she can see that her son is taken-aback by her rudeness but she’s scared now.

  “Okay. He sexually abused a schoolgirl while doing an eye exam.”

  “What?” Melusine and Jonas both shout the word at the same time and then start voicing violent objections.

  “Papa would never do that, never,” Jonas insists, close to tears.

  “What happened, Bill? And I do mean exactly.”

  “He managed to coerce a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl into taking her socks and shoes off during an eye exam by telling her it would help him test her eyes better. Then he rubbed her feet, put her foot in his mouth and sucked on her toes.”

  Jonas cannot believe what he is hearing. He looks to his mother, needing her to deny it and prove the impossibility of the allegation. But she doesn’t.

  “Her feet?” Melusine whispers. “Oh, dear god. And then what happened Bill?”

  Bill scratches his head. “You know I hate to be telling you this,” he says. “The girl screamed her head off when he sucked her toes and Gretchen ran in to find her crying and Hans kneeling there, holding her foot. Gretchen took the girl out and Hans just sat there. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything. Gretchen said he had a strangely blank expression, like he wasn’t thinking or feeling anything at all. We took the girl into another office and immediately notified the school. The headmaster rushed over, along with the school physician.”

  “And then what?” Melusine can hardly form
the words.

  “We were all attending to the girl, waiting for the headmaster and the doctor, and next thing I look up and Hans just strolls out, he just saunters past us, as if he’s going out to buy a coffee or something, like this terrible thing never happened. I saw him get into his car and we haven’t seen him since.”

  “Is the school going to press charges against him?” Melusine asks. “And her parents? What’s going to happen?”

  Bill shakes his head. “I’m not sure. It also depends on Hans, if he offers an apology or something maybe … but none of us has seen him. But Melu, I don’t think Hans has been well for quite some months now, to tell you the truth. He’s been losing clients and can hardly seem to concentrate at work. He locks himself in his office for long periods of time and talks on the phone…”

  “Do you have the number of who he calls?” Melusine is fierce.

  “He wasn’t having an affair, Melu, don’t worry,” Bill rushes to reassure her but she cuts him off.

  “Of course he wasn’t. He was phoning some person from the Healing Lives Ministries, a psychic he met in Vegas, some fraud who’s going to help him find his sister.”

  “What?” This time it’s Bill who is astounded.

  “It’s hard to explain,” Melusine says. “Bill, is there any way at all that you can get the number he called?”

  Bill picks up his phone and explains to Gretchen what they’re after.

  “Here,” Gretchen says, arriving with a scrap of paper. “But I tried it yesterday and it just rings. I tried to find out who the number belongs to, but I couldn’t find anything.”

  “You did all that? Why?” Melusine asks.

  “Because I thought they might know where he is. I was worried too but I didn’t want to phone him or you at home. I was worried,” Gretchen says again and she blushes. “I care for him a lot, Frau Meier. I’ve worked for him for years.”

  “Let’s try the number again,” Bill says, and he dials. “Yes, Gretchen’s right, it just rings.” They couldn’t know that Juditha had told Hans she would only answer the phone at their appointed time, so she would know it was him calling. “So what do we do now?”

  “We’ve called the police,” Melusine says. “And we’re going there now to file a missing person report and we’ll try to find him and we’ll let you know what happens.”

  “Melusine,” Bill looks embarrassed. “Obviously we care about Hans but this was very bad for our little firm. We’ve worked so hard to build a good reputation and it was a big coup, getting the school contract. And now … you know I love Hans like a brother but if it comes to us being sued…”

  “I understand, Bill,” Melusine says and she stands up. “But right now, all I want to do is find him. We’ll deal with everything else later. Come on, Jonas, let’s go. Listen, Bill, let me know right away if you hear from him. Oh, that poor schoolgirl.”

  “You should be saying your poor husband,” Gretchen says loudly. “I felt so sorry for him. He was getting sicker every day, thinner and thinner too. And you should have heard the noises coming out of his office sometimes, when he was alone in there. It’s like the devil possessed his soul and was torturing him. You should have done something!”

  “That’s enough, Gretchen,” Bill says and he too stands. “I apologize on behalf of Gretchen, Melusine.”

  “I’m not sorry,” Gretchen insists. “He’s a good man. As his wife, you should have done something. I tried to help him but he wouldn’t let me. And his headaches, he was in such pain.”

  “What headaches?” Melusine is baffled.

  “Exactly!” Gretchen is triumphant. “You didn’t even know. You didn’t care.”

  “I did care,” Melusine says quietly. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

  “Ladies!” Bill interjects, his hands outstretched in an appeasing motion. “We all cared. But Hans could be impossible. Don’t you think I tried too? I could also see that he wasn’t okay but he wouldn’t talk to me. There wasn’t anything we could do. But we all cared.”

  He gives a meaningful glance to Gretchen who turns and walks out the room.

  “I’ll let you know what we find,” Melusine says and she puts her arm around Jonas who has been very quiet.

  They walk out through the office and down into the parking lot. “You drive, Mami,” Jonas says. “I’m too upset. Maybe the police can get a hold of whoever’s at the end of that phone number. It’s the cult’s fault — I’m telling you, they drove Papa crazy.”

  “Yes, good idea, maybe the police will be able to get to the bottom of it,” Melusine says.

  They buckle up and Melusine eases into the morning traffic.

  “I can’t believe Papa bought into that crock of psychic shit,” Jonas exclaims and they’re both so upset that Melusine doesn’t think to correct his language which she otherwise would have done.

  “I know,” she says. “Oh, Jonas. I don’t know what to say.”

  They drive to the police station in silence and when they get there, they find there has been a development.

  The officer behind the desk pulls out a file. “A man answering to your husband’s description has been seen downtown with a bunch of homeless guys; regulars that we keep an eye on.”

  “We’ll go there now,” Melusine tells the police officer who looks uneasy.

  “Everyone’s out on call,” he says, “I don’t have anyone to go with you right now. Do you mind waiting?”

  “We must go now,” Melusine insists and Jonas agrees.

  “Just be careful and if it does turn out to be him be sure to call us immediately, okay?”

  Melusine says that she will and she and Jonas rush out to the car and Melusine drives; her face is pale and her hands grip the steering wheel tightly.

  “Okay, we’re here,” Jonas says. “There’s a parking spot over there, Mami.”

  They park and sit for a moment, unwilling to have their worst suspicions confirmed, and it is then that Melusine sees him. “Oh, Jonas, oh, dear god, there he is, oh, look…” Melusine’s voice breaks and her breath is coming in harsh gasps. “Look, Jonas, there on the bench. He looks just like a homeless person. How could this have happened? There were signs he wasn’t coping, but this?”

  “I know,” Jonas says and his voice is distant, and shocked and it’s as if she is hearing her son through a tunnel. “I know, Mami. It’s like he just snapped.”

  “I guess neither of us had any idea how much it had been building inside him,” Melusine says.

  They both just sit there, looking at the eroded husk of a man that was once Hans Meier.

  “I’m going to talk to him,” Melusine says, eventually.

  “I’m coming with you.”

  They get out the car and walk across to Hans, watching his face closely as they move into his line of sight but his expression doesn’t change. He looks at them with the same casual disinterest he would two strangers.

  “Hans?” Melusine is gentle. “What are you doing here?”

  He gives a snorting laugh. “Drinking my cup of joy. She told me that my authentic soul would lead me to my joy and it has. I’ve abandoned my ego, left it far behind, that tiring old coat. Yes, I left it and I’m glad.”

  “Has he gone mad, Mami?” Jonas asks and Hans snorts again.

  “Mad? I’m the sanest of the mad people I know and everybody’s quite crazy in this world. But not everybody did what I did. I can’t live with it anymore, not in our bedroom anyway. She keeps finding me there. She won’t leave me alone, and it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.”

  “What’s he talking about?” Jonas asks. He and Melusine are seated on either side of Hans.

  “Kateri,” Melusine says and Hans nods. He has not shaved since Monday and he scratches at his bristle. His fingernails are already dirty. Melusine wonders where his gloves are, and his hat. She wants to ask him but she does not want to interrupt him.

  “Kateri. My blood. Her blood. I loved her too much, too wrongly. She lives in the b
edroom and she comes to me at night, she’s dead and her eyes are filled with blood, the blood that I put there. And I can’t tell her I’m sorry because I can’t find her. She was supposed to find her but she didn’t. She kept saying Kateri is coming; that she’s alive and she’s coming and she did come but she’s dead and I can’t sleep lying down anymore.”

  “Oh, Hans. We need to take you to a doctor, you need help, we can get you help. You didn’t kill Kateri. It’s all just been too much for you. Come on, let Jonas and me take you home.”

  “No!” Hans shouts and jumps to his feet. “They’ll make me lie down. I can’t lie down. I’m telling you, I killed her and she won’t let me say sorry. When I lie down, she comes, and she won’t leave me alone. I won’t lie down again, ever!”

  He backs away.

  “No, no, Papa, don’t go,” Jonas calls out to him, pleadingly. “We promise, no doctors, and we won’t take you home, okay? We just want to talk to you. Please, Papa, don’t leave us, please.”

  Jonas gives Melusine a warning look. If we startle him, he’ll run away forever and we’ll never find him.

  She nods.

  “Jonas is right, Hans,” she says soothingly. “Please, come back, please. We won’t make you lie down, we promise.”

  Hans inches back towards them but he doesn’t sit down.

  “Hans, where have you been sleeping?” Melusine asks cautiously.

  “I sit up,” Hans says, proudly. “I sit all night and I can sleep in the day if I sit up. But I can’t sleep at night. She finds me at night but not if I sleep during the day but I can’t lie down.”

  She looks at him. He’s wearing his long thick winter coat over a grimy sweater she has never seen before but at least he is protected from the cold. “And what are you eating?”

  “Not hungry, not hungry. Anyway, there’s lots of food. Too much food. Too much everything. I don’t want anything anymore. Things things things. She told me, find your joy, your authentic joy and I did. I did.”

  “Do you still talk to her?” Melusine asks in a carefully pleasant and even tone.

  Hans shakes his head. “She wanted more money. I don’t have any money. Well, some, I sold my car. She wanted me to use that to pay her but enough talking. She was wrong anyway, Kateri is dead and I killed her.”