by Keaton Patti
ACTRESS (CONT’D)
(accent of rusty ghost)
Donate your car to your nose.
Now it is black and white, but with every color. Actress walks up to gravestone. Grave reads “ACTRESS - YOU BE DEAD.” One water tear quits from the eye of actress. It lands on sand. Sand transforms into jungle land.
Trees sprout everywhere. Smells are smelled. Egypt is ruined.
ACTRESS (CONT’D)
(accent of lusty toast)
Your soul has a faulty aroma. Buy things only at Macy’s, you coward.
Music stops. Horns and strings now have nothing, together.
HOME SHOPPING NETWORK
INT. CAPITALISM
HOST 1 and HOST 2 smile, but their teeth are not for sale.
HOST 1
It is the hour of purchasing. What is the next product of buyability?
HOST 2
Finger rings for the hand in your life. Twenty-four carat golb.
We see the finger rings on a mannequin. The hosts take them from the mannequin. It can’t pay for them and deserves blank fingers. The mannequin is arrested all the way to prison.
HOST 1
Metal circles? Does geometry know?
Geometry does not know and if told, all is lost. Don’t tell.
HOST 1 (CONT’D)
I wear these finger rings all the time and my husband’s public plane never crashes. Not a coincidence.
HOST 2
Coincidences aren’t allowed.
The words COINCIDENCES AREN’T ALLOWED appear on the screen. You can buy the words for $49.99999999999999999999999.
HOST 2 (CONT’D)
I would trade my entire citizenship to own these for one long minute.
HOST 1
Not required. Just pay $5 a day for every day you’re alive.
HOST 2
Wow, that’s exactly how long I plan on being alive. Not a coincidence.
The words COINCIDENCES AREN’T ALLOWED appear on the screen. You can now buy them on sale for $49.99999999999998999999999.
The hosts smile. Some of their teeth are now for sale.
HOST 1
We have a phone call. Time to put our voices into another ear.
It’s the mannequin calling from prison. It has told geometry.
LAWYER COMMERCIAL
INT. FIRM LAW ROOM
A LAWYER stands next to a shelf with books. The books are very wide. They have eaten too many words.
LAWYER
Have you been hurt in an accidental car? Has the government sold your lungs without asking nicely? Are you Mesothelioma? Answer me!
The lawyer opens a briefcase. He closes it. Case closed.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
If so, you can act entitled for money. I’ll help. I graduated from lawn school and all my teachers were bitten by dogs.
Words scroll across bottom of the screen. These are cases the lawyer takes: UNFAIR STABBING, ILLEGAL SHOES, MUSIC TOO CANADIAN, SUE THE RAIN, DIVORCE YOUR TOILET, FAKE SONS.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
I have been a lawyer for over thirty-five weekends and I’m currently dating the Bill of Rights for fun.
We see the Bill of Rights. It’s in love. The lawyer will break its heart. There’s nothing we can do.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
Let me use it to send your asbestos to court. I will wear two suits and I promise to steal the judge’s gavel for you.
The lawyer opens up the jacket of his first suit. Millions of gavels pour out. His promise has worth.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
My clients never go to jail town.
We see his past clients: a tornado, a tornado, a tornado.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
Remember, you don’t pay any money unless you pay us money. Call for a free use of phone.
The phone digits appear. It’s your social security number.
INFOMERCIAL
INT. GARAGE
A man uses a saw to cut up a different saw.
VOICEOVER
Has this ever happened to you?
The man’s saw explodes. He is unhurt, but angry.
VOICEOVER (CONT’D)
Your saw explodes, but doesn’t leave a delicious plate of lasagna at the point of explosion?
The man looks toward the screen.
MAN
Life without lasagna isn’t life!
A giant red X appears over the man, indicating he should die.
VOICEOVER
Hashtag Never again!
CUT TO:
INT. MORE FUCKABLE GARAGE
A more fuckable man uses a saw to cut up a pile of teeth.
VOICEOVER
Just watch.
The man continues to saw.
VOICEOVER (CONT’D)
Keep watching.
The man continues to saw.
VOICEOVER (CONT’D)
Any second now.
The man’s saw explodes. After the smoke clears, there is a delicious plate of lasagna on top of the pile of teeth.
MORE FUCKABLE MAN
These teeth can stay!
Whatever product that makes this happen is never mentioned.
Bot shakespeare
MUCH ROMEO ABOUT THE TWELFTH SHREW KING
Act 1: Scene 1 - Romeo’s Palace in Paris, London
Enter ROMEO holding a skull bone.
ROMEO
O, I grasp an old head!
Skin, hair, and eyes eaten by the hungry worm;
I call this hungry worm Death.
I give worms names; a noble profession for a palace-haver.
Alas, my enemy desires worms to have no names!
He is the Shrew King, the twin brother of my twin brother.
O, ha, fie, alas, forsooth!
He shall never venture into the Romeo realm.
Enter LADY MACBETH and MAN MACBETH. They know Romeo from seeing plays.
LADY MACBETH
Hark! Romeo, the Shrew King arrives on a boat of horses.
ROMEO
A malevolent harking you have harked me!
The Shrew King is boldly buxom.
Summon my fairy army.
MAN MACBETH
Your fairy army hath been slain’d by a magic witch in a boorish dream.
ROMEO
Witches are female lawyers!
Summon the Denmark ghost father.
It is day, but I’ll make him my knight.
Ghosts are strong; fathers are stronger.
LADY MACBETH
Hark! The fatherly spirit cannot depart Denmark.
He is busy being a parent.
A VENICE MERCHANT enters.
VENICE MERCHANT
I have sold Venice.
Exeunt VENICE MERCHANT.
ROMEO
The smell of the Shrek King taints that sale!
Those water roads lead his crown to me.
Tell, what soldiers have I?
MAN MACBETH
Sirrah, you have me and my love.
LADY MACBETH daggers herself and is slain’d.
MAN MACBETH
Sirrah, you have me.
The SHREW KING enters covered in crowns.
SHREW KING
O, a foul stench I see with my nose!
This must be the Romeo house.
I will kill him;
Kill him for naming worms!
MAN MACBETH
No Romeo death will occur while I am not dead!
MAN MACBETH aims his fist at the SHREW KING.
SHREW KING
Your finger fist brings me no scare!
&
nbsp; I possess a sword of murderly nature.
Have a sample, sir I have just met.
SHREW KING debloods MAN MACBETH with his sword.
MAN MACBETH
You wretch!
Now I must visit my wifely wife in Death country.
Be strong, fair Romeo;
Remember me as your friend and as a man.
MAN MACBETH is slain’d by the deblooding.
ROMEO
I will always remember you Macdeath.
SHREW KING
The time for remembering has vanished, Romeo.
The time for being killed has appeared!
SHREW KING flaps his sword at ROMEO. ROMEO throws the skull bone at SHREW KING’s head.
SHREW KING
O, a head has struck my head!
My brains are scrambled and wrong.
Where be I? Who are I? What day is this?
ROMEO
’Tis Romeo Day, knave.
The day where all worms receive names and all Shrew Kings stop living.
SHREW KING
O.
ROMEO summons his worm soldiers to devour the SHREW KING.
SHREW KING
All monarchs must die in this manner.
SHREW KING is slain’d by the worms of fate.
ROMEO
A day of events and lifeless bodies.
Romeo Day inspires a thirst in my bodily humors.
A glass of wine will settle my sobriety.
ROMEO drinks a vial of poison.
ROMEO
O, wine does not transport in a vial!
Wicked, wicked trickster of destiny.
’Tis poison I poured down my tongue!
Alas, ere I die, one more name shall I entrust to a worm.
ROMEO looks at his worm soldiers and grabs the one with the least names.
ROMEO
You shall be called Worm Macbeth.
ROMEO is slain’d by poison juice.
Act 1: Scene 2 - Inside Juliet’s Hair
Bot College Application Essay
In the box below, please write an essay on why you would like to attend college.
I am a student with many grades. Furthermore, my curriculars are extra. Chess club, competitive French team, and varsity prom is where I am when not calculating which of my teacher’s brains I will turn into my library. I am a Junior but have the bones of a Señor according to the school’s spirit. I also play the ball sport. Last year we were Steak Champions and I dunked my uniform in points.
Personally, I have a statement. Furthermore, when I was seven, my grandpa died. It was sad, since I was only ten. After funeral, I remembered what grandpa told me when I was nineteen and he was not fully dead. “Go to college for four years, grandboy.” Furthermore, that is what was said and those words were his. If my grandpa died, I should get to own your college. It is only fair, and I am seventeen.
In life, I have known three things:
My GPA is 3.5.
My grandpa died.
Taekwondo.
Last yearbook, I was voted Most Student, and Best Tooth, and Top Likely to Have Dead Grandpa. I will take these awards to college town and share them with sexy coeds.
Furthermore,
Further More
Bot gossip magazine cover
Bot Horoscopes
Aries: Start a new project today, like painting a painting or writing a writing or building a soul prison. Be flamboyant to get the attention of every major religion. You have the power to become the next big body of water.
Taurus: You are like the Earth: strong, grounded, spherical, core of iron, and named the Earth. Today, take a short trip to tomorrow on a foreign boat. Take your heart’s advice: start that bird farm.
Gemini: Gemini, you are growing spiritually, romantically, and politically.
Cancer: Avoid the internet for the next few spiritual decades or you will be plagued by a plague of plagues. Invest your children into the stock market before you get too attached.
Leo: You are brimming with astral energy, Leo. Embrace your creative side and your artistic entrée. You are truly a star with a heavenly body, Leo DiCapricorn.
Virgo: You have a good five-year plan to become friends with Uranus, but bad luck may force you to retire your sexuality. Flirt with a truck, just in case.
Libra: The moon wants to fight you, Libra. Tell a coworker to take your place for a day so the moon injures their bones instead. Being selfish is perfectly normal when you have a celestial enemy.
Scorpio: Do not move to a new city this weekend. You will not know on which roads to drive your bicycle. You will ride into the lake and break the town fish, causing a riot of locals. Then nobody will want to be your emergency contact. Move on Monday.
Sagittarius: Now is an excellent moment to reinforce your apathy! Tinker with your electronics tonight and maybe your parents will enjoy spicy food. Avoid reading horoscopes.
Capricorn: Trust your intuition to sell your haircut to someone being emotional. They will thank you by spontaneously challenging you to a game of romance.
Aquarius: Jupiter is in Scorpio and Mars is in your bedroom. It is time to start that family you lied about on your résumé.
Pisces: Be bold with your breakfast. Today will be the day you decide in which decade you will die in your houseboat.
Miscellaneous SCRIPTS
Miscellaneous (mis·cel·la·neous) noun: Items of a variety of differences. Random matter. Can be anything except a flute. Flute is not miscellaneous. Flute is flute.
Ex. The box said “Miscellaneous” so the woman who searched for a flute did not search inside.
BATMAN
INT. TRADITIONAL BATCAVE
BATMAN stands next to his batmobile and uses his batcomputer. He’s sometimes Bruce Wayne sometimes Batman. Alltimes orphan.
BATMAN
This is now a safe city. I have punched a penguin into prison.
ALFRED, Batman’s loyal batler, carries a tray of goth ham.
ALFRED
Eat a dinner, Mattress Wayne.
An explosion explodes. THE JOKER and TWO-FACE enter the cave. Joker is a clown but insane. Two-Face is a man but attorney.
BATMAN
No! It is Two-Face and One-Face. They hate me for being a bat.
Batman throws Alfred at Two-Face. Two-Face flips Alfred like a coin. Alfred lands heads-up which means Two-Face goes home.
BATMAN (CONT’D)
It is just you and I, the Joker. Bat versus clown. Moral enemies.
THE JOKER
I am such a freak. Society is bad. You drink water, I drink anarchy.
BATMAN
I drink bats just like a bat would!
Batman looks around for his parents, but they are still dead. This makes him have anger. He fires a batrocket. The Joker deflects it with his sick sense of humor. A clownly power.
THE JOKER
I have never followed a rule. That is my rule. Do you follow? I don’t.
BATMAN
Alfred, give birth to Robin.
Alfred begins the process since it is his job. The Joker now has a present in his hand. He juggles it over to Batman.
THE JOKER
Happy batday, Birthman.
Batman opens the present since he’s a good guy. It contains a coupon for new parents but is expired. This is a Joker joke.
STAND-UP COMEDY
INT. COMEDY CHUB
We see a STAND-UP standing up. They microphone so hard.
STAND-UP
Last yesterday, my son say he want to be Tony Hawk. I say, if you want to be bird, hollow your bones!
The audience laughs. Birds have evaded humor for too long.
; STAND-UP (CONT’D)
This guy gets it.
Stand-Up points at a guy wearing a shirt that says: THIS IS MY ONLY SHIRT. I USED THE REST OF MY MONEY TO HOLLOW MY BONES. He is Shirt Man. He doesn’t actually get it, but he is close.
STAND-UP (CONT’D)
What is deal with kids hating vegetables? I cook Broccoli Obama and my son reboots ISIS. Y’all eat?
The audience cheers. They all eat. They all belong here.
STAND-UP (CONT’D)
Siri is mean to me. I ask what the weather is wearing and she AirDrops my mortgage to Bill Cosby. He is already housed!
The audience cries with laughs. The tears go uncollected and untaxed. Stand-Up takes a drink from a bottle of cigarettes.
STAND-UP (CONT’D)
Lot of naked buildings nowadays.
The audience gasps. It is not allowed to bring up this fact in public unless you are a building.
STAND-UP (CONT’D)
It is okay. I am half-building.
The audience relaxes. If you are half, you are whole.
STAND-UP (CONT’D)
Here is my impression of Al Gourd.
Stand-Up acts just like Al Gourd: old and white and white. The audience claps. Shirt Man’s hollow-bone hands snap into pieces. Shirt Man cares not. Laughter is the breast medicine.
TRUMP RALLY
INT. BIG ARBY’S IN SOUTH WYOMKLAHOMA
PRESIDENT TRUMP forces himself on a podium.
PRESIDENT TRUMP
I just had a phone call with the economy. Jobs poured out of the phone. Great jobs. Tall jobs. Steve Jobs. All at Kinko’s.
The crowd cheers. It is full of real Americans (man with hard hat, man with harder hat, gun that is alive).
PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
The United Snakes is doing so good. Other countries are on fire. All the people on fire. Hot fire too. Not us. Our flag is so beautiful.
President Trump salutes a flag that says: ARBY’S FOOD IS FINE TO EAT. The crowd howls. They love this flag of America.
PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
I signed a bill. No more swamp. Swamp gone. Swamp is in Mexico now. It’s on fire. Great deal for us.
The crowd chants: FOUR MORE SWAMPS! FOUR MORE SWAMPS!
PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
Foreign powers cheat us! Canada steals our milk. China steals our milk. We only had one glass of milk left! Obama drank it. Not fair.