by Keaton Patti
The crowd boos. They wanted that milk.
PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
But like President Ronald Rogaine, I will bring back the milk!
The crowd roars. They still want that milk.
PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT’D)
A wall of milk. No criminals get through. Democrats want criminals to have the milk. No way. Milk comes from coal. We’ll dig it up.
All of the words are mispronounced. The crowd cheers. They hate pronunciations. They love milk. They start digging.
TED TALK
INT. PLACE WHERE YOU CAN TALK
We see a TED TALKER on a stage. They are visibly clothed. They are shooting words from their mouth at a crowd.
TED TALKER
My grandfather once told me a story and yes, I paid him for being old.
A screen shows a bar graph. The bars for Grandfather and Story are equal in height. The crowd nods their hands.
TED TALKER (CONT’D)
He told me there’s just enough plastic in the ocean for someone to marry. But we’re almost out of time.
A screen shows a picture of a clock that is poor and has very little time. The crowd is angry. They require graphs to live and this is not a graph at all.
TED TALKER (CONT’D)
I did not believe my grandfather until a mosquito made of math turned me into a secret sex church.
A screen shows a line graph of all the Ted Talker’s secrets. There are six. The crowd likes the graph since it is a graph and they like graphs for reasons they have.
TED TALKER (CONT’D)
Now we all know exercise doesn’t work in Detroit.
A screen shows a video of Detroit trying to use a treadmill but it does not work. This is a famous video.
TED TALKER (CONT’D)
But what if I told you to look under your seats?
The crowd tries to look under their seats, but they don’t have any. They have been standing the whole time. Graphs don’t sit so they don’t either.
TED TALKER (CONT’D)
Exactly my point. We need an app that smokes cigarettes. That’s Economics 101 and always will be.
The plastic from the ocean breaks into the room. It wears a wedding dress and nobody can blame it. The crowd waits to see if this will somehow turn into a graph.
TELEVANGELIST
INT. CHURCH BIGGER THAN HEAVEN, TEXAS
15,000 people named Christian pray until the PASTOR appears. The Pastor is twice as handsome as Jesus, the crucifix guy.
PASTOR
Happy church, sin-haters. God is a calendar and He says: It is Sunday.
It’s always Sunday in a church. Science hates this fact.
PASTOR (CONT’D)
Let’s joice and rejoice. Pent and repent. Staurant and restaurant. God’s body is bread. His blood is wine. God is always on the menu.
A screen shows the menu. Commandments are condiments: DO NOT KILL, DO NOT JEWISH, GIVE YOUR NEIGHBOR YOUR WIFE, BE NICE TO ANGELS, BUY A BIBLE A BIBLE, VIRGINS GET NAMED MARY.
PASTOR (CONT’D)
Confessions allow Gord to break into your soul. Sing your sins.
CHRISTIANS stand and sing a karaoke of wickedness.
CHRISTIAN 1
I bought Satan a new laptop.
CHRISTIAN 2
I gave a snake great free drugs.
CHRISTIAN 3
I Poped, but I am not Pope.
These three sins are the most common. Nobody is surprised.
PASTOR
The Hymn of the Hose is heard.
The Pastor sprays the sinners with a holy water hose. Their sins are cured. If they die now, they go into the cloud.
PASTOR (CONT’D)
Today we get a special guest. You may know Him from being God.
The Christians are excited. God never shows up anywhere. Body of bread, the loaf of GOD floats from the endless ceiling.
GOD
(yeastily)
Stop buying Satan laptops.
Science really does not like that any of this has happened.
MUSICAL
EXT. MISERABLE CHICAGO
ALEXANDER HAMILTON, a talking cat, dances on stage. He is an American Jersey Boy, drenched in grease and lightning.
HAMILTON
(music voice)
My name is Alexander Hamilton. I am the Phantom of the Oprah and I never pay rent.
Every word rhymes and the music is instruments. ANNIE, the girl with zero moms and zero dads, tap dances to hurt the stage.
ANNIE
(with soundliness)
Tomorrow the sun will appear. But it will not give me the parents? I shall kill the sun. I get my gun.
Annie dissolves in a puff of music. Alexander Hamilton spins around for 525,600 minutes. The BEAST, a talking cat, drops out of beauty school onto the stage. Beast is landlord.
BEAST
(like piano)
To be guest, you must pay rent! Mamma Mia!
Annie, the girl with zero mammas and zero mias, enters with her gun. She shoots the Beast with a bullet of choreography.
ANNIE
(original cast)
I dreamed a dream and now I have gunned a gun. Give me parents.
The Beast dies and his curse breaks. He was cursed to be in a musical. Death ends his curse. This is the Circle of Life.
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
(sung from eyes)
I am founding father. I will find you father. You must buy own mother. I am ten-dollar man.
Hamilton searches for a father. MARY PIPPINS, a talking umbrella, flies in on her broom. She is blonde, legally.
MARY PIPPINS
(British noises)
It is intermission.
It is not intermission. Mary’s lie will have musical consequences.
PORN
INT. SEX CRATE
A WOMAN and a MAN sit at a table. The man is a tutor and the woman is a school. They are unhappy in clothes.
WOMAN
Math is not horny. Numbers don’t hump sex. Let’s kill them?
MAN
You are my stepsister. My stepsister must know fractions.
The man thrusts off his shirt and writes all of math on his chest genital. The woman learns it with her tongue.
WOMAN
Oh. Moan. Moan. Moat. I am getting soggy with the knowledge.
MAN
You are my stepsister. We moist stop. What if The Milf comes home?
WOMAN
Milf is legend, not real.
A door opens. The MILF has come home. Is real. The Milf is half-mom, half-cougar, half-coed, half-foot. The Milf sees the math sex and her breasts scream with shock.
THE MILF
No! This is legal barely! The trouble you are in is tight.
WOMAN
This is only education!
THE MILF
Yes? Then I shall help school.
MAN
You are my stepmilf. But fine.
The Milf joins for a way-of-three. All clothing on planet disappears. It is the hour of sex and everything is hard.
WOMAN
I am eighteen.
Eighteen is math. Woman has learned. Sex is the professor.
JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE
INT. PODCAST, INTERNET
JOE ROGAN, an experience man, talks with his GUEST, a man who has fought a zoo. Their voices might be conspiracies.
JOE ROGAN
I have heard if you shoot a bow and arrow at the moon, chemicals pour out. But NASA says, “Hey, shut up.”
GUEST
I believe the gym and NASA does not go to the gym. My child is a YouTube video, full of ads.
/> JOE ROGAN
Good points. Philosophically, how much money do you think you could kill using only my elbow?
GUEST
$Thailand.
There is silence. Joe is remembering a pig he has controlled.
JOE ROGAN
I attacked the Mona Lisa recently.
GUEST
My dad did that for a living. Now there are only two jobs. Coal miner and Mark Zuckerberg. It’s genetics.
JOE ROGAN
I read in ten years, your blood will be wearing Under Armour, your hair will be owned by Elon Mosque. I read this on a beef jerky.
GUEST
Just look at data, Joe Rogaine. Just look. Wow, data. Look. That’s data. Data is always at the gym.
Joe looks at data. We see Joe look with our ears. Joe uses MMA on the data until it is dead. The police ignore this.
JOE ROGAN
(supplements)
We are sponsored by ropes.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH
INT. UNINSPIRED ROOM
An AUDIENCE sits, legs without motivation to stand. A MOTIVATION MAN speaks with energy and sweats optimism fluid.
MOTIVATION MAN
I want you to observe a picture.
The man shows an image. It is of the man, but he is heavier, uglier, and deader. He sits in a coffin a grave would hate.
MOTIVATION MAN (CONT’D)
I used to be that picture. Now look at myself. I’m no longer a picture!
The audience has doubt. They have been fooled by talking pictures before, but they believe him because it is easier.
MOTIVATION MAN (CONT’D)
I was overweight, overheight, overdosing on apathy’s cereal. I was on the road to Depression City.
The audience is aware of that road. They live on that road.
MOTIVATION MAN (CONT’D)
Then all changed. My doctor said I had only three seconds to live. That was four seconds ago.
AUDIENCE
Doctor time is different?
The image of the coffin man changes to one that says: 3 SECONDS DOCTOR TIME = 3 SECONDS NOT-DOCTOR TIME.
AUDIENCE (CONT’D)
Doctor time is not different.
MOTIVATION MAN
Truly. That time on, I altered my life. You too can, you toucan. Take chances, fortune flavors the bald. Life is so short. Only 4 foot 9.
One AUDIENCE LADY finds the will to interrogate the man.
AUDIENCE LADY
But what if I am tired? I am tired.
The lady is attired in rubber tires, the dress of the depressed.
MOTIVATION MAN
Well, in Latin they have a phrase: Car pay DM.
The words summon a Motivation Monster. The audience screams. They are now motivated to not be murdered. This speech always gives motivation.
AIRLINE SAFETY VIDEO
INT. AIRPLANE
We see a FLIGHT ATTENDANT walking down the aisle.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Welcome to plane. This plane can’t be trusted, but you can. To be alive, always wear your seat belt.
They hold up a belt that is not connected to a seat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
There are two exits on this plane. This one here.
They point to their head.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
And this one there.
They point nowhere.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
If you are seated in an exit row, you are now the pilot.
We see an empty exit row. This plane will not take off.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
In case there is a disturbed cloud, oxygen masks will come for you.
They show an oxygen mask. It is not made of oxygen.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
There are just enough masks for most people to have enough masks. Now, if the water is where the plane chooses to go, don’t worry. Your seat can float far away from you.
They smile. They are not worried. They aren’t on your plane.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Young children must be turned off or placed in airplane mode.
They hold up a child. They switch it into airplane mode.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Flying is illegal.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING
INT. THE WHITEST HOUSE
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS angers her way up to the podium.
SARAH
Good afternoon. Couple of announcements: I don’t actually wish you a good afternoon and the President hates you all. Questions?
Journalists raise their hands.
SARAH (CONT’D)
There will be no answers.
Journalists still raise their hands. It’s all they know.
SARAH (CONT’D)
Fine. But make the questions good or I’ll explode into spiders.
JOURNALIST 1
Is the President downloading Russian spies into his son?
SARAH
Two things. One: If Russia is real, show me it on this map, news pig.
Sarah holds up a map of Hogwarts, the wizard day camp.
SARAH (CONT’D)
You can’t, because it’s not real. And two: The President does not exist. Next question.
JOURNALIST 2
Are we still building the wall?
SARAH
I will have a wall built with your questions and your bones. Every day you try to slay me. I get death threats. They feed me. A threat is a meal. I eat meals for meals. Three meals a day, ten times a day. Next.
JOURNALIST 3
Why do you hold that glowing skull?
Sarah does not answer. The skull glows brighter.
BIBLE STORIES
EXT. OLIVE GARDEN OF EDEN
We see EVE, the first girlman, standing next to a smart tree. A SNAKE, the first long bug, walks on its abs to Eve.
SNAKE
Eat the tree. Good tree to eat.
EVE
Gord said we can’t eat tree.
SNAKE
Yes, but. Eat tree.
EVE
Okay.
Eve eats the tree in half. Gord drops Noah’s boat on Eve. Noah’s boat has 2 of each: 2 cow, 2 donkey, 2 Noah, 2 3 wise men, 2 Egypt. The NOAHS unboat. Jesus dies.
NOAH 1
The flood has been crucified. Amen.
NOAH 2
Xmen.
SNAKE
Eat boat. Good boat to eat.
MOSES slides down a mountain with a mouthful of commandments. Moses is Israel’s oldest Jewish thing. Jesus dies.
MOSES
Honor thy adultery, mother.
SNAKE
Eat Moses. Good Moses to eat.
Noah 2 eats Moses. Noah 1 dies of hunger. Jesus dies of Jesus. Gord rains down a plague of prostitutes. ABRAHAM, the first ham, wakes up from 40 years of living in every whale.
ABRAHAM
Gord told me to kill son boys. Who here is son boy? Snake, is son boy?
SNAKE
Yes, but. Eat Jesus.
Jesus comes back to life. Abraham eats Jesus. Jesus dies. This why all carpenters die.
TRUE CRIME PODCAST
INT. EARS
HOST uses their voice to remind people they can be murdered.
HOST
On May 7rd 1983, a woman went missing. Missing from life. It’s a tale of stabs, sex, and Blue Apron.
A soft song is played by a piano that leads a cult.
HOST (CONT’D)
The only evidence was hard mystery.
THICK MAN MOU
TH SOUNDS
I was chef of police for the case. A very briefcase. There was no DNA in 1983. DNA is from 2015.
HOST
Police were called for a routine wife vanish, a common symptom of marriage. But this wife differed.
Noise of a wife being different is knocked out of a violin.
OLDEN LADY VOICE
Sarah was not usual. Tom-boy then prom queen then Tom-man then corpse. I met her at her birth.
HOST
That was voice of Sarah’s alleged mother. She bothered the police when she noticed Sarah evaporated.
THICK MAN MOUTH SOUNDS
Investigation was very police. We searched Sarah’s house and found it was a house. In 1983, that was odd.
House sounds: door bell, couch slam, toaster fighting bread.
HOST
Sarah was a wife to a husband, Baltimore’s only real doctor.
THICK MAN MOUTH SOUNDS
With wife crime, the husband is guilty nine times out of tennis. Weddings lead to fast funerals.
Show pauses to run a sponsored Adnan for Casper Mistresses.
Motivational posters
Bot Life Hacks
Rub a walnut on a fractured leg to mend the bone instantaneously. Bury the walnut in your yard to impress your neighbors that you have a yard.
Tie bright piece of yarn to the bags under your eyes so you never lose them in your crowded face airport.
Draw a portrait of your refrigerator to show to grocery store workers. They are commanded to give free handfuls of marinara sauce to any possible Picassos.
Always have ice cubes in your mouth. When your boss asks for a great idea, you will be able to explain you have one but cannot state it due to your ice mouth. Your job is now cool and easy.
Burn Doritos while out camping to feed your fire. Bears will stay far away from your area, confused and afraid as to why you would be so wasteful of bold flavors.
A bar of soap in each shoe will let you walk onto any domestic flight without a ticket or a reason. This is how pilots do it, and how you will do it, because now you’re a pilot.
A wet paper towel wrapped around your freezer will make your Wi-Fi so strong your house will become the internet. Enjoy your home’s many new chat rooms. Your dog is now Google.
Place your Christmas ornaments into egg cartons and then ask the egg farmer, “Is this what you call a good idea?” You will be offered a full refund. Do not take it.