“Well, love makes you do crazy shit, Marco.”
“No, stupidity makes people do stupid shit. You’re fuckin’ beautiful. You’re successful. You have a life that some people—men and women—only dream of. You’re fuckin’ crazy as shit, but—”
“I’m not crazy!” she exclaimed, laughing out loud.
I nodded and laughed. “Like hell you’re not.” I hunched my shoulders. “You’re out here begging to be a runner-up. Who the fuck does that? I’m not gonna be a part of you selling out like that. Because as somebody who sees you like a sister, I’ll kick dude’s fuckin’ ass for shittin’ on you. Just let him go ahead and marry that woman and when the shit doesn’t last and he comes looking for you, make him work for it.”
I took a break from my food, wiped my mouth clean and leaned back in my seat. When I looked over at Cyn, she was smiling. She was smiling big, teeth for days. I shook my head and waited for her to say whatever it was, that was clearly brewing in her head.
“You didn’t even catch what you said. You said, ‘when the shit doesn’t last . . .’ not if the shit doesn’t last. You’re implying that it won’t last. Basically, admitting that you did have sex with her! I knew it!”
“How the hell did you get that from what I said?! That’s a reach that you’re not even tall enough for!”
“All you have to do is tell him that for me! That’s all I’m asking. I’ll do the rest.”
“Cyn . . . I’m not doing that. And since you’re so sure it happened, then why not just tell him and see if he believes you. You don’t need me for that shit.”
“It’s not enough for me to tell him because all I can tell him is that y’all were super cozy at the meet & greet, that y’all looked like you’d known each other for years at dinner, and that y’all got on the elevator at the same time.”
I glared at Cyn for what seemed like minutes in disbelief. Shaking my head, I pushed my chair back and stood up. “You saw all of that? What were you doing, Cyn?! Following the girl? That’s the reason I don’t get serious with you chicks. That kind of shit right there! You stalked that woman the whole night?”
“Not the whole night,” she responded, no remorse present. She seemed proud of her actions. “I didn’t get on the elevator because you would’ve spotted me. I didn’t wanna risk that.”
“I’m out, Cyn.” I put my napkin on the table and grabbing my cell from the table. “I haven’t been home yet and I need to get there.”
“Can’t believe you won’t help me!” she shouted behind me. “But you better be at the wedding when it happens!”
-30-
KASSIDI
My entire plane ride was spent inside my head. I had to find a way to get past what I did with Marco in Vegas. I had to. I didn’t know how well I would do once I actually looked in Jamie’s eyes, but I was nervous as fuck! If I didn’t have gel on my nails, and was wearing my natural ones, they would’ve all been bitten down to the nubs! It was that bad. So bad that I ended up ordering some of the baby drinks they sell on the flight. As if that would do anything! But I figured a little something was better than nothing at all to take the edge off.
It didn’t help that Yolanda kept asking what was wrong. Every ten minutes she was asking, making me wish our seats weren’t right damn next to each other. Or, that we all flew separately on the outbound, like we did when we fly into Vegas. But, no such luck.
From the time the plane left Vegas until its tires screeched on the tarmac, Yolanda’s ass was talking! Even more so, once she got a few small bottles of liquor in her system.
I almost switched to sit where Brianna was. She was in her own world and quiet as hell. But I knew why that was. She had come to my room in the wee hours of the morning. I was glad that I was back in my room by that time, too. That would’ve been a shit storm if I would have had to explain that one! She was in shambles, destroyed, when she told me about her and Wolverine having sex. The whole time she was pouring her soul out, I wanted to confess my own sin. Wanted to tell her that I thought I’d find Graffiti on the other side of my door when she knocked. Of course, I didn’t. Although she did ask what happened between us after the two of them left. Now, looking over at her occasionally, my heart went out to her. Nine years of marriage, and she was undecided about whether she would be staying or leaving.
She had the weight of the world on not just her shoulders, but on her heart as well. I just hoped that it all turned out okay for not just her, but for me too.
When we finally landed and offboarded, I was ecstatic. Home, sweet home. On our way to baggage claim, I stuck as close to Brianna as I could. She was in turmoil and I just wanted for her to know that I was there—even in silence. During the silence my mind went to being at home, and hopping in the shower. There, I could wash away all my indiscretions and start anew. Emerge a clean woman and spend time with Jamie, to find out if absence made his heart grow fonder.
“Girl!” Niecy’s voice blared. “Between you and Brianna, I’m bored as hell!” Pilar and Yolanda laughed at her outburst.
“Uhh-huh . . .” Pilar cosigned. “Y’all were the liveliest ones, up until we got on that plane to come home. The hell?! Vegas got that ass, huh?! You sure you still wanna get married, Kass?!” she asked. “You got all that attention from that cute-ass white boy stripper! Shit, if I had it to do all over, my ass would still be single. Marriage ain’t all it’s cracked up to be,” she admitted, causing us all to turn toward her. “What?” she shrugged. “I’m just sayin’.”
“Pilar, you just got married! Your marriage ain’t even gave birth yet! You’re still in the second damn trimester!” Yolanda remarked.
“Oh girl,” Pilar commented. “First of all, you’re not gonna check me on what I can and can’t say. Second of all, I don’t give a damn if it’s in the delivery room! I said what I said. Always the one to be throwing out orders and shit. Chillll. Hell, if you still know how. Wit’ ya stiff ass.”
“Wit’ ya boring ass,” Yolanda retorted.
“Y’all . . . stop. Damn,” Niecy interjected. She chuckled before saying, “Like two little kids right now.”
Right on time, the carousel began to hum, and the luggage started spilling out. I thanked God because the sooner my bags appeared, the sooner I’d be in the car with Jamie and on the way home. He’d already texted and let me know that he was in short term parking and to text as soon as I had the bags in hand.
Close to twenty minutes later, the girls and I were hugging out front as they prepared to get rides from their men. I spotted Jamie right away, curbside. He stood there looking as cute as he was when I left him. Guilt riddled my body when he looked at me and smiled. I had hoped that coming back days after, I did what I did, would lessen the guilt load. However, it had only done so, minimally.
“Hey,” he greeted, before taking on the task of loading my luggage into the trunk.
“Hey,” I responded, slightly confused. He hadn’t so much as pecked me on the cheek. I deduced that it was more than likely, because of the impatient security guards circling like vultures.
Once we were inside the car, and I was surrounded my music, my nerves began to calm. I turned to Jamie when he pulled into traffic and rubbed the back of his neck.
“How are you feeling, baby?”
“Been cool. Had some cleaning to do. But been cool outside of that.”
“Cleaning? You? Nahh!” I laughed.
“Yep, me,” he nodded.
“Well, I missed you. More than I thought I would.”
“Did you have fun?”
There was no, ‘I missed you too?’ Okay. Now I was feeling like maybe I wasn’t tripping.
“Umm, yeah. Vegas was cool.”
My intuition was kicking in strongly. As hard as it was on me, I allowed him to be in his mood for the remainder of the thirty-minute ride home. I leaned back in my seat and let Rhythm & Blues be my company.
I couldn’t believe the calm that washed over me as we drove onto the block, and then into the
driveway of Jamie’s house—that would soon be our house, permanently. The music and the ride had placed me in a state of serenity. All I wanted to do was get inside, have a drink, take a shower and then let him take me straight to a few orgasms.
“Home, sweet home,” I sighed after we’d gotten inside the front door. Jamie sat the luggage down at the door and walked back to the kitchen. I caught up to him and wrapped my arms around his firm waist. “Baby . . . you’ve been quiet all—”
“Sit down, Kassidi,” he said to me in a tone that was semi-familiar. He was mad about something.
I released my love-grip on him and walked over to one of the barstools in front of the countertop. I had the ‘What now?’ look on my face.
I couldn’t believe the he was already in mode to fight after having been apart for three days. But at least now it was officially confirmed, that something was cooking in his head, on the way from the airport. I won’t lie. I was pissed. Because why even pick me up if this was what I was coming to? I could’ve gotten my ass on a shuttle and went to my place.
I released a dramatic sigh. “Okay, I’m sitting, Jamie. What’s going on? You didn’t greet me at the airport. I didn’t trip. Let it go. No hug, no kisses, no nothing. The drive home was eerie as fuck and now this.” I shrugged my shoulders with attitude. “So, what’s up?”
He and I entered a battle of the stares that had to be at least a minute long. At least.
After a while, he chuckled lightly, then shook his head side to side, while still glaring at me. “You sound real cocky right now, Kass.”
I shrugged and tilted my head sideways, still waiting for whatever it was he had to say.
“I’m glad you’re looking dead-ass at me because that’s how I need you. That’s why I waited until we got here. Where we could be directly across from each other and I could have your undivided attention.”
“Okay. And now you got it. Are you gonna say what this is, or continue to play this little game? Because this is a far cry from what I expected to come back to.”
“Expected to come back to, huh?” He looked down briefly before looking back up at me, and chuckling some more. It was menacing, almost. He dry-washed the sides of his face with his hands, then stepped closer to where I sat. His hazel eyes bore into me. He clasped his hands together and held them in place in front of his crotch. “What did you expect to come back to, Kassidi?” And without waiting for me to respond, he continued. “. . . back to me being okay with you fucking another muthafucka . . . on ya girls’ trip?”
-31-
Kassidi
A hot flash tore through my body at lightning bolt speed as Jamie’s words ricocheted.
He knows!
Oh fuck! He knows!
I was stunned into silence. I could neither speak, nor move. I damn near couldn’t think. My mind was trying desperately to wrap itself around what was happening, and just how dire my situation was.
I had been so cocky when I said, “. . . Are you gonna say what this is, or continue to play this little game?” The tables up-the-fuck-side-down, and were still turning! What could I say? Not shit. All I could do was tell the truth. But how? How was I supposed to do that? How?!
“Can’t even deny it, can you?” he said, bursting into my thoughts.
“I . . .”
“You what?!” he shot out angrily.
I looked down. I couldn’t return his gaze. I was too afraid to look at him. I was too busy trying to collect myself. My heart was beating so fast that I didn’t know if I’d even be able to sit on the barstool for much longer without tumbling off. I closed my eyes briefly and tried breathing slow, and steady. I felt that if I didn’t do that, it was a very real possibility that I could faint right where I sat.
Jamie stared me down. Without looking up, I felt it. He despised me, and he had every right to. Everything in me wanted to run and keep running. Another part of me wanted to say something, offer something.
“Kassidi!” he roared from his seat.
“Yes,” I whispered, still unable to look at him.
“Where is your fuckin’ voice, now! You had so much to say not too long ago! What the fuck happened? Huh?!”
“I’m . . . sorry. I’m really sorry, Jamie.” I sounded pathetic, but that was all I could manage to say.
Jamie sat quiet for a few minutes. We both did. My lids closed in silent prayer. I wished for the impossible: that I would open my eyes, and this shit would all be a bad-ass dream. Everything that Yolanda said came rushing back. She would definitely be the first to say, ‘I told you so.’ Because she did tell me. She told me that I didn’t want to get married. She told me that I was self-sabotaging. And I fought her on it because I knew there was truth in her words.
“Fuck, sorry. You ain’t sorry about shit! All that petty-ass arguing you were doing all the fuckin’ time. Just to keep shit goin’. You had the game down, huh?! Doin’ the shit that dudes do when they want to try to deflect, to shift the goddamn blame! Make the other person the villain! You been on bullshit. I just didn’t see it. But you know what? I had my doubts. I shoulda listened to my own damn gut feeling about yo ass! You’ve been ready to bust it open for the next muthafucka the whole time. Then had the fuckin’ nerve to get mad when I said you sucked dick like a pro!” He got out of his seat and pounded on top of the counter. “Did you wanna just prove that you could get a muthafucka to propose to yo desperate ass?! Huh?! Is that what it was?! You wanted a damn ring?! Answer me! I need to hear the shit!”
“It’s all on me,” I confessed. I take full responsibility for this. It’s all me.”
“Tuh! You muthafuckin’ right it’s all you! Don’t sit here and think because you copped to that, that I’m looking at you any other muthafuckin’ way! It is all you!”
When I was finally able to look him in the eyes, he shook his head and smiled. “I shoulda listened. Damn, I shoulda listened.”
“Yeah, you should’ve listened, Jamie. And I should’ve listened too.”
“Ha! To who?” he asked, sarcastically.
“To myself. You were never going to be able to give me all of you, anyway. They were going to see to that. Both of their asses. Neither of them wanted me for you.”
“Who you talkin’ about?”
“You know who I’m talking about. Aja and Gloria. That’s who.”
“Don’t even try to blame my fuckin’ family for yo’ shit! They ain’t got shit to do with—”
“They got everything to do with it. I heard the conversation with you and them. I heard them going on and on about me not being good enough. Why were you marrying me so soon? You sat there and coddled them. Instead of putting them both in check, you let them come for me!” I yelled, finding strength in the moment that I didn’t know I had. “Never once defending me! Never once defending us! I heard it all! And know how I heard it? Your bitch sister made sure I heard it!”
Before I knew it, tears were pouring down my face. While I felt a sense of freedom at the release of tears, guilt and sadness were also present. I hurt for him. I hurt for myself. It all hurt.
“Watch your mouth when you speaking on my sister and my aunt!”
“I don’t have to watch shit!” I yelled, sobbing uncontrollably by this time. “I don’t have to watch shit! That’s all I do is watch shit! I watch how people look at me! I watch what people say to me! I watch to see who’s watching! I’m fuckin’ tired . . . of watchin’!”
I had no idea what I was raging about or what my words applied to. All I knew was that I was enraged, and releasing, and couldn’t stop.
“I’m sorrrry, Jamie! I’m really sorry!” I stopped to breathe, to try to seek a calmer place. The silence loomed for a few seconds. But then I spoke, trying to do so without the yelling. “Jamie, I can sit here and say that it didn’t mean shit! But I would be lying. It did mean something—to me. It meant that I’m not ready. It meant that I’d been fooling myself the whole time thinking that I was! It meant that I’ve been living my life the wrong way
for all the wrong reasons!” My heart raced so fast and so hard, that I had to clutch my chest to catch my breath. “I swear on my life that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know those words don’t mean shit to you. I know it doesn’t, because it wouldn’t to me. But I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I did not mean . . . to hurt you.”
Jamie took a few steps backwards and looked at me. It was as though I was a complete stranger to him. He looked at me so hard, I felt naked and like he could see right through me. Many moments later, he walked away from the island, and began heading out of the kitchen.
“Kassidi, get the fuck out of my house . . .” He stopped and turned around to look at me. “Oh, and leave that ring on the counter.”
TWO MONTHS LATER
-32-
KASSIDI
“Miss Henson . . .”
I heard the woman’s voice in the distance and realized that it wasn’t the first time she had spoken my name.
“I’m sorry. I—”
“It’s okay,” she reassured me, smiling. “Interviews can send people into a zone.” She held out her hand for me to shake, moving me to stand from my seat. We shook hands. “I’m Kandice. I’ve been tasked with bringing you into the conference room where the panel is waiting. You ready?”
I surveyed the Kandice woman. Beautiful, deep chocolate was her hue. Somewhere close to Gabrielle Union’s complexion. Big, doe-shaped eyes with long mink lashes. I knew them anywhere. She wore her hair in a high ponytail with bangs. It was really pretty and somebody had really laid that ponytail! It was sleek and not a strand of hair out of place. She was about five-foot-five without the five-inch heels she had on. The black dress slacks she wore revealed a thick frame somewhere around a size twelve, and a cute white blouse underneath a waist-length blazer. She was well put together.
I nodded, my confidence leaping all the way past my nervousness. “So ready,” I stated, reaching down to grab my portfolio and my purse.
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