Body, Ink, and Soul

by Jude Ouvrard

  I didn't have enough time to react, to beg him not to introduce me before, I was holding the man’s hand and he was shaking mine delicately. I remember the words Mom used to say... ‘When you’re in a difficult situation and you need to look civilized, just smile politely.’ I’d never really understood what she meant until now.

  I didn't get the guy’s name, I only heard the part where Levi mentioned he was a football player. Looking at the sheer size of him, I figured he must have kicked more than a few asses in his career. The big guy smiled and was very polite, making me feel a little more comfortable. I couldn’t remember ever meeting anyone of his size before, not even in the club.

  ''You’re scaring the shit out of her,'' Levi joked, chuckling when he saw the nervousness in my eyes.

  ''I’m... I never... I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen someone like you before... Oh my god! That came out so wrong. I apologize,'' I babbled like a complete idiot.

  To make me even more miserable, the big guy grabbed me into a bear hug. ''Don't worry, little girl. I would never upset Levi by frightening his girl. He’s a good buddy of mine.''

  Levi was enjoying this, barely able to contain his amusement. ''Let my girl go now, before she passes out from embarrassment.'' He drew me into his arms and I was suddenly relieved. The man probably wasn’t dangerous in the least, but wow, he was huge.

  Levi shook hands with him, but kept me in a close hold. As soon as his customer walked out the door, he lowered his mouth to mine for a long kiss. God, I had missed him.

  When he pulled back, he offered me a warm smile. ''I drew something for you, Rock Star.''

  ''Aww, I want to see, will you show it to me?''

  He rolled his eyes. ''If I wanted to keep it secret, I wouldn't have said anything about it, silly.'' We walked over to his station and I saw a very beautiful drawing.

  He handed me the drawing pad, so I could take a closer look. I was utterly speechless. I’d seen some of his drawing talents, but this was truly magnificent. The drawing consisted of a lot of flowers, in a wide variety of sizes. The colors he’d chosen were various warm tones of reds, pinks and purples. He had managed to add texture, making the flowers seem as though they were alive. There was a beautiful angel in the centre, with her wings spread wide. The flowers were falling down from all around her intricately designed wings. I was amazed by the amount of detail he’d captured, his amazing talent and... ''Where am I supposed to get this? I mean which body part is it meant to go on?''

  He didn't answer, simply continued to gaze at me, studying my reaction.

  I returned my attention to the drawing, studying the many details he’d added to the angel. My eyes got teary and I felt my heart constrict. It was me, wasn’t it? I studied it closer, picking up on the little details he’d captured from my own features and added to his drawing.

  ''I always try to create meaningful tattoos and this one... well... it's what I see, Phoenix. It's what Bekka sees too. You’re an angel. You used to be an angel who was so self-controlled, but now you're free. You’ve spread your wings wide and you finally shine in your own right. Your love is everywhere you are. You’re beautiful, Nix, and so perfect. And you’re mine. I drew flowers because your perfume is always flowery and because flowers represents the freedom, the purity which is all Phoenix. It's how I see you...''

  ''Levi, this is just... it's so beautiful,'' I whispered. ''You are beyond talented. This is so pretty and it looks unbelievably real.''

  ''It is real, Rock Star... it's you.''

  ''Where did you plan on inking me?'' I turned around, needing to see him eye to eye.

  ''It could be a full sleeve, or half sleeve.'' He touched my arm delicately with the back of his hand. ''Or it could be on your lower back or maybe your calf.'' He brushed a kiss against my lips. ''There are endless possibilities.''

  Endless possibilities. Levi was gradually destroying every belief I’d been indoctrinated with all my life. His gentleness, his caring, his ability to continually prove his love, showed me - more than anything my Mom had told me - that what he was suggesting, what I wanted, was okay. I needed to be my own person, I needed to throw away the shackles my mom had harnessed me to. The fears, the warnings – none of it mattered to me anymore. Levi loved me unconditionally and I wanted more of his art on my body. I had never thought about having a tattoo until Bekka and Val convinced me to do it, but I loved it now, and this drawing Levi had created for me was everything I wanted. I wanted his mark on my body, declaring myself to be his, forever.

  I looked at the piece of art for long minutes, wiping away the tears sitting at the corners of my eyes. Arms? No. Leg? No. Lower back? If could be nice, and sexy too. I closed my eyes and one last time let my heart and head talk to me simultaneously, ensuring this was the right decision. I wanted this. It's my life, my body.

  ''Do it,'' I said.

  ''Are you sure, Rock Star? Because not so long ago, you didn't want another one. Tattoo removal is expensive and it fucking hurts.'' His nose was dancing up and down the side of my neck. ''I don't want you to regret this,'' he murmured into my ear.

  ''No regrets,'' I whispered. ''I want you to do it on my back.''

  He stayed quiet for a while, considering my answer. He looked back at his drawing and started tweaking it. ''Do you want something which would sit on the small of your back, or do you want something which will sit on one side of your hip and climb over your side?''

  He was professional and endearingly cute at the same time. ''I want the second option.'' I kissed him softly. ''And I want it now - your schedule is clear for the next three hours.''

  ''You are a very bossy customer, I might charge more,'' he chuckled.

  ''Don't you dare! You know you want it, just as much as I do...''

  ''You have no idea,'' he breathed, pulling me close and kissing me.

  Kyle cleared his throat loudly. ''You guys need a room. If I want to watch porn, I can go get it myself.''

  Levi released his grip on my waist and rolled his eyes. ''Kyle, shut it. You just ruined our moment.''

  ''Well I'm glad I did.'' He threw a pen in our direction. ''I’m going to grab something to eat... need anything?'' he offered.

  ''I’m good,'' I responded and Levi nodded.

  "Okay. So if you want to get this done right away, could you clean my station while I get the gear ready? I’ll draw it directly onto your skin, it’ll be easier to get it right.''

  ''It all feels so intimate and personal.'' I kissed him again, pressing up against his chest.

  ''It is.” He winked. “It might tickle too.''

  I cleaned his work station and got the bottles of ink I thought he would need, then placed the sterile needles on his sterile plate and replaced all the plastic covering his electrical cords. I was ready in less than twenty minutes and so was Levi. He placed the chair the way he needed it to be, lifted my top to the level of my bra and I settled down against the chair. He ran his fingers up and down my hip where the tattoo would be.

  ''Ready?'' he asked.

  ''As I’ll ever be.'' He tapped my butt, gave me a little squeeze and got his markers ready, before he started drawing on my skin. It did really tickle, and I had a hard time remaining still and quiet. He took his time, making sure everything looked right. More than once, he pulled away and looked at it from a different angle. It took him about forty minutes to get it completed, suggesting I take a look in the mirror to make sure I was happy with the position. He seemed nervous and asked me repeatedly if everything was alright. I was pleased, it was beautiful and it really defined the curve of my hip. It wasn't even done yet and already I felt sexier and confident about having it done. No regrets.

  Levi got his ink and machine ready, telling me he was going to start with the outline and later, he would add the coloring. I wasn't looking forward to the pain. This was a lot bigger than the star and I hadn’t forgotten the painful sensation of the needles piercing my skin. It wasn't something I thought I could forget or describe to anyone else.
My hands were sweating and my heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I decided to take a few minutes to calm down in the bathroom, alone. Facing the mirror, I stared at my reflection as I thought it through once again. I wanted this. I was making this decision for myself. There was no Mom forcing her opinion on me, no friends to influence me. It was me and only me. Levi hadn’t pressured me, in fact, he’d even tried to talk me out of it.

  I walked back to the chair and laid against it, sporting a huge and bright smile. My heartbeat was back to normal and a new feeling of confidence and happiness was spreading through each vein in my body. I was excited about this life-changing project. It was a big piece, there was nothing small about this design. I loved it and I loved the guy who’d taken the time to create it for me. Lev had probably been missing me when he drew it. My emotions were getting to me again, and I had to stop thinking about how sweet he was or I would end up tearing up again. I had become so emotional lately, I wondered if it was a side effect of being in love. Probably.

  Levi was setting up his machine, carefully adjusting the thin needle. As he frowned, a small triangle formed on his forehead, in between his beautiful green eyes. I wished I could’ve taken a picture. He was beautiful and concentrating so hard and I knew this really was Levi in his element. It fit him perfectly.

  He murmured sweet and lovely words in my ears before he began, but he also asked me one last time if I was certain. I nodded with no hesitation.

  Levi wiped across my skin with antiseptic, placed his left hand on my waist and traced the first flower on the tattoo. The pain was instantaneous and I knew I had to be strong. I concentrated on my breathing, counting mentally through each run of ink. The closer he got to my ribs, the harder it was to ignore the pain. I winced periodically, despite my best efforts to stay completely still.

  ''I wouldn’t normally do this, Rock Star, but because I know you can't escape right now, let me ask you something,'' he said hesitantly.

  Immediately, my pulse sped up. ''Okay l guess.''

  ''I heard Rebekka talking with Tyler the other day, and... She mentioned something about you having had a difficult life. What did she mean? Is everything okay?''

  This wasn't exactly what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't get away and I silently cursed him for asking. But he probably had a right to know about my background, and if he’d asked at any other time, I probably would have walked away. In the current situation I had to stay there and I figured I might as well give him the answer.

  ''She probably meant how things were with my mother. To make a long story short, Mom got pregnant with me at a very young age and when my father found out, he bailed. When Mom’s parents discovered she was pregnant, they kicked her out of home. She lived in women shelters for months and then she met Carlson, my step-father, when she was working as a waitress. He took care of her and helped her raise me.''

  ''Have you ever seen your real father?''

  ''No, never, I’ve only seen a couple of pictures. I know I look a lot like him, and he had tattoos.'' I took a deep breath. ''When I was younger, she was like every other mom, but when I got old enough to start noticing boys, she freaked out and changed drastically. She sent me to a girls-only private school out of town for two years. I hated it and I missed Bekka and Val more than anything. I was only fourteen or fifteen at the time and I started taking every kind of drug I could get a hold of and developed an eating disorder as well. I finally got kicked out of the school, when the school principal discovered me one day, passed out in the bathroom. When they rushed me to hospital, they discovered I was skin and bones and completely bombed out of my mind.” I stopped talking for a few seconds, the memories of that horrible time flashing through my mind in slow-motion. “My mom was devastated, said she’d never noticed I had problems, even though I’d called her hundreds of times and begged to come home. Funnily enough, everybody but her noticed how miserable I was. She and Carlson sent me to rehab for a thirty day program, to clean me up and deal with the eating disorder, but I ended up spending over sixty days.''

  ''Don't you think working at the club is risky for you?'' Levi asked quietly.

  ''I never had a problem with alcohol, it doesn't bother me. And I haven't taken any kind of drugs for over six years now.''

  ''How’s your relationship with your mom now?''

  ''I haven't talked to her much since I moved out. I don’t think she’s mad at me still, but our last conversation before I left home wasn’t our best. Back then, I couldn't go out with Bekka or Val. I wasn’t allowed to go to the school dance. Anything which involved boys or any type of temptation, I wasn’t allowed to do. She was over-protecting me from everything. When I turned eighteen, I told her she wasn't allowed to make decisions for me anymore.''

  ''I bet that didn't turn out well, right?'' Levi said. He was right. It hadn’t.

  ''No. But I know why she was intent on doing all this, I even kind of understand it. She wanted me to have a normal life, she was trying to protect me from everything. She didn't want me to get pregnant or get involved in a serious relationship like she had when she was young, but it got to a point where I simply had no life at all. Bekka’s mother even planned a sleepover once, so I could have the opportunity to go to a school dance. To this day, my mother still doesn't know about it.'' I laughed, but it sounded hollow in the quiet studio.

  ''How’s everything going now?'' Geez, he had a lot of questions to ask today.

  ''I haven't seen her since I moved out. I’d just turned twenty one. She couldn't control me anymore, because legally, I had every right to leave. Again, Bekka’s mother had to get involved so I was finally able to pack my things and take them out of the house. We’re getting along okay, but we’ve only spoken on the phone two or three times in weeks.''

  ''Maybe she just needs time,'' Levi suggested quietly, while dipping the tips of the needles in the black ink.

  ''Yeah. She really doesn’t have anything to worry about. I was working at the music store and the club, earning enough to pay my bills. I go to the university, study hard. Don’t get me wrong, she isn't a monster or anything, she just doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she did. The problem is, the way she goes about it alienates me from her.''

  Levi was quiet for a minute before he asked another question. ''Do you think she’ll like me?''

  No, I answered in my head. It was the right answer, but I responded cautiously to his question. ''She doesn't like tattoos.''

  ''I'll take that as a no.'' I turned my head to look at him and he smiled gently. ''It’s okay, Rock Star, I'm used to it. People judge me differently because of how I look.''

  ''I know it's probably too soon to say this, but I don't want you to leave me...” My throat became tight. “But when you meet her... it probably won't be pretty.''

  Levi didn’t respond to my concern, but continued talking conversationally. ''My mom and dad were the exact opposite. My mom, Jane, was a free spirit, an artist. She was the peace and love type and my dad is one of the best criminal lawyers in the state. They got married when they were eighteen, without their parents' consent. My dad got into law school and my mother enrolled in art school. They were great together, they never fought and Mom always wanted me to find my own way in life.''

  I could tell his mother was no longer with them, from the way he spoke, the sadness in his eyes. ''What happened?''

  ''Jane had a car accident and died instantly. I was in the car with her.''

  He had stopped tattooing. I turned on my side and tried to find the right words to say, but they all escaped me. I couldn't say I was sorry because I was devastated for him and those two little words weren’t nearly enough. ''Were you hurt in the accident?''

  ''Only one single scar and it's hiding here. During the impact, my shoulder crashed through the window.'' He pointed to the tattoo on his arm. It was the cross and the roses I’d been trying to recall earlier. I knew the tattoo must mean something profound. ''I got it five years after she pas
sed.''

  He patted my hip gently and I moved back onto my stomach so he could continue tattooing. The memories of my years at the private school settled into my mind. I’d never seen so many freely-available drugs in my life until I landed there, lost and alone and hurt by Mom’s actions. You would think that a private school would get more support, have more security, stricter rules but it wasn't the case. We had access to weed, cocaine, speed, ecstasy, acid and so much more. I never did cocaine but I had never spent a day without partaking in one or the other of the available options.

  It turned my life upside down. I was unhappy and depressed and under the influence of older girls who coaxed me into taking more and more drugs. My morale and self-esteem were both in a terrible shape. Drugs made me feel better and I didn't miss Bekka or Val as much when I was under their influence. Typical excuses, maybe, but it was truly how I felt at the time. When the principal found me on the cold floor of the bathroom that day, I had taken more than my body could cope with. I had speed running through my bloodstream, mixed with ecstasy and weed. I still remembered the shock of seeing my reflection when I faced the mirror for the first time in hospital. A ghost. My skin was pale, I looked sickly, and my eyes were surrounded by dark circles. It was a terrible day but probably also the best day of my life. I was being allowed a second chance. Thankfully rehabilitation worked and I’d managed to pull my life back under control, despite the continuing issues with Mom. But I’d never fallen back on the use of drugs to control my life again.

  Chapter Ten

  My tattoo was covered with plastic wrap, and I couldn't lie about it, it was fucking painful. Levi had given me ibuprofen before we headed to the club, but I wasn't convinced it would subdue the pain. I didn’t whine too much during the process of having it done, so I was proud of myself for that fact and I think Levi was too. But in my head, while I worked, I was whining. A lot.

  To make matters worse, Tyler had organized another karaoke night, to entice more customers into the bar. Bekka enjoyed these nights immensely, only because I hated them so much. I wanted to go home badly. Karaoke nights were my worst nightmare and the new tattoo was nearly insufferable.