Body, Ink, and Soul

by Jude Ouvrard

  "Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Lev, I love when you hold my hand." I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed the tips of his fingers. “It always make me feel better."

  "I know, it's why Mom did it, too. We were very close."

  "I'm sorry." My heart hurt for him. I was going through a similar loss to him, but it felt so different. My mother had never been really close to me. She wanted me to be someone I wasn't able to be. We’d always had a difficult relationship, and I couldn’t help but envy Levi his relationship with his Mom, even though he’d had to deal with his own traumas and grief. At least, his Mom had loved him unconditionally.

  "Don't worry about it. Let’s try not to think about my mom or yours, today, okay? Let’s just try to think about us and how happy we are."

  "Just the two of us," I squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. "You are the best boyfriend, ever." I offered him a warm smile.

  He smiled back and I saw the pride in his eyes.

  Levi was working on a tattoo when I decided to call Carlson. I rang his cell phone, mainly to avoid the house phone and Mom, and also because I knew his cell phone was always on him, attached to his belt.

  After the third ring, my hope of him answering began to diminish. I was about to hang up when I heard him speak. “Carlson Bennett.”

  I swallowed heavily. "Dad... I mean Carlson... It's me, Phoenix."

  I could hear him breathing at the other end of the line, but he remained ominously silent.

  "I’m sorry about everything. I know Jackie hates me. She hates me so much, she wants me out of her life. I'm still me, Carlson, the same girl. I'm just trying to live my life the best way I can."

  "We understand that, Phoenix, but the moment you decided on this type of life, you rejected everything your mother and I have been trying to teach you. You threw everything into the trash without an ounce of empathy or understanding for our point of view."

  I was stunned by his words. He stood on her side. He was going to disown me as well.

  "I'm sorry... I never wanted to disappoint you like this. I only wanted to enjoy my life and be true to myself."

  The words hurt me as I spoke them. It was like having to say sorry for being myself. I didn't want to cry here, in the tattoo studio. I held back the tears and kept the phone to my ear.

  "This is not what we taught you and we don’t agree with the lifestyle you’ve chosen." His voice was cold and hard.

  "You agree with her, and you don't want to hear from me again, is that right?" I questioned slowly.

  "I believe this is the only way. I don't want to witness you wasting your life away. You’re old enough to live on your own this time. Move to a different state, get your whole body tattooed if you want. You’re on your own. Make the right decisions. Goodbye, Phoenix." I heard the line disconnect. He was agreeing with her.

  Their minds were made up, I was at fault and I had no chance of gaining their respect ever again. It hurt so much and I walked out of the studio, completely numb. Kyle was outside, having a cigarette by the door. He took one look at me and saw all the pain in my eyes and the tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't know if Levi had told him anything about my background, but he hugged me, holding me for a long time. It seemed weird to be crying in Kyle’s arms but he was being a good friend and it warmed my shattered heart.

  Kyle stayed outside with me, until I was feeling a little better. The sky was grey and rain was expected later in the afternoon reflecting my mood.

  Levi was probably worried about me and I didn't want him to be anxious while he worked. He needed his full attention on the tattoo he was doing, so I drew in a deep breath and drew myself out of Kyle’s arms.

  "You know he’s fucking crazy for you." He lit another cigarette, eyeing me carefully. "He’ll do anything for you. Shit, he’s almost like a little puppy following you around."

  I giggled. "He's so not like a puppy. He's a very strong man and I just love being around him. I'll never get tired of him."

  "You better not, because I don't want to see him moping around all the freaking time." He chuckled. "I think you’re a good match for each other, you both have a lot in common."

  "I love him, he’s an amazing guy and the attraction between us is... wow..."

  He put his hands over his ears. "Hey, little girl - I don't need to know what's happening in your bedroom." He laughed and it made me blush. Talking with a guy was different from talking to my girlfriends. I needed to keep that in mind.

  He placed an arm around my shoulder and gave me a quick squeeze. "Come on, let’s get back inside."

  Levi was striding out the door as we made our way towards it. "You okay?" he asked, looking tense.

  "I called my father... Carlson," I was struggling with what to the call the man I’d considered a father, but who’d now also abandoned me.

  “I’m going to leave you two alone." Kyle winked at me and slipped back inside the shop.

  "What did Carlson say?"

  "He agrees with Mom. He doesn't think I'm making the right decisions with my life and he says I'm old enough to survive on my own now anyway." Saying the words out loud was hard. I no longer had a family, Levi, Bekka and Val were all I had that I could call family. At least, I wasn't alone. My friends cared about me and unless I did something utterly stupid, they wouldn't abandon me.

  He pressed a kiss against my forehead. "I know you’re going through a rough time and I feel like I'm responsible. I’m so sorry, I truly am. "You have to know that you’ve got me, Nix. And Bekka, she loves you. Tyler, Val and Kyle too. Even Tiff. You’re not alone, Rock Star."

  "I know you’re right. Maybe it was always Bekka and Val being my family. They’ve never judged me the way my parents have." I pulled on his t-shirt drawing him closer. I pressed my lips to his, needing to feel his strength. I inhaled deeply against his skin and his cologne was a pleasant reminder of our morning together. I would always crave that smell.

  He was my happiness, my joy. My everything.

  Chapter Twelve

  Late in the afternoon, while I was sitting in the reception at the tattoo shop, I emailed Val. I needed her advice and her point of view on the situation with Mom.

  From: Nix Silverstone

  To: Valerie

  Subject: Hello from Seattle

  Hey Val,

  I miss you so much right now. I don't know if you’ve spoke with Bekka in the past day or two, but I'm going through hell. Mom found out about the new tattoo and she also caught me sleeping half-naked with Levi on the couch. Not what you think, but I’d just gotten the new tattoo (it’s freaking amazing) so I was just wearing underwear (because it also freaking hurts!). Anyway, Mom got really mad like she always does, but this time, it was even worse. She said some horrible things to Levi and I, and she’s cut all ties with me. She had the last of my belongings delivered to the apartment and even Carlson is taking her side. I talked to him this afternoon, tried to explain my side of the story, but he didn’t want to hear a word I said. So now they’re both refusing to talk to me and told me I’m making all the wrong choices. I’m trying to deal with all this shit, but it hurts. My heart hurts so badly, Val. You always seem to know what to do or say in these situations. I really need your help.

  I know it's soon and everything, but I'm so in love with Levi. He is my angel. You and Bekka were right – he’s the perfect man for me and I should have listened to you both.

  Nix xox

  I pressed send and waited impatiently for her reply. She always had her phone or laptop with her, so I expected an answer sooner, rather than later. I missed her so much.

  While I waited, I watched my love. Levi was concentrating, a deep ‘V’ creasing his forehead which made him look adorable. I was so proud of him and everything he’d accomplished in his life. He’d been through a lot too, had issues to deal with just as I had. His father had hoped Levi would become a brilliant lawyer like he had, and Levi did what was expected of him, but even after all the study,
he’d decided to follow his heart and take a different path. I admired him for sticking to his principles. I couldn't imagine how much courage it must have taken to tell his dad and yet, they still talked to one another and had a good relationship with one another. My situation was so different. Mom and Carlson had never given me the option to be myself. When I’d finally moved in to the apartment, I’d started feeling independent and free for the first time in my life. I’d finally started living.

  From: Valerie

  To: Nix Silverstone

  Subject: Re: Hello from Seattle—-Hey You!

  Hey Nix,

  You’re going through a rough time Nix, but keep the faith. Be strong. Your mother is angry and disappointed, but she can't stop loving you and I don’t believe she has. She will always love you, a Mom can’t turn off those feelings. Give her time. She might change her mind but knowing your Mom, she might not. Be prepared for either eventuality, Nix, and remember – this is your life.

  Carlson...What can I say? He’ll do anything your mother says. I know you consider him your father and you love him too, but he will always pick your mother’s side first. This time, I don't think he felt he could help you, because your mom is so angry. Remember, he has to live with her. Nothing can make her understand that you’re still the same person, Nix, she’s frightened because of her background, but she has no right to press her beliefs on you. You’re a big girl now, and can make your own choices.

  It’s so good to see you being yourself, to see you living YOUR life the way you want to. I just wish your mom could see how happy you are. Levi, the tattoos - it doesn’t change who you truly are and I love you for it.

  Why don't you come for a visit?

  ILY

  Val xxx

  Visit? She wanted me to visit her in Boston? Could I? The first thing which came to mind was Levi. I didn't think I would be able to stay away from him and the odds that he would be excited about this idea were not in my favor. We’d hadn’t been together for long, and I couldn’t imagine him being thrilled about me taking off to Boston, not when he couldn’t come with me. He had his business, he couldn’t just drop everything and take off. Chewing on my fingernail, I decided to wait a few days to see how I was doing. While the past twenty four hours had been traumatic, I needed to let things settle down, and not fly off on a tangent. Although the thought of travelling to Boston sounded fun, I’ve never been there and I would love to see Val. Definitely something to think about.

  From: Nix Silverstone

  To: Valerie

  Subject: Re:Re: Hello from Seattle—-Hey You!

  I’ll think about it.

  Thank you for everything.

  Missing you like crazy.

  Nix xox

  Maybe it could be fun to travel to the East coast. I had enough money and it might help settle my mind a little. The idea of going sound interesting and exciting. Bekka would probably come with me if I decided to go.

  My angel finished his client’s tattoo about two hours later. He had one last appointment for the day. “Something small and boring for a college girl,” he’d said. It sounded like my star tattoo but I knew he would never say anything derogatory about it. That star was how we first connected. Small tattoos just weren’t very challenging for him. I needed to head off to work, so I took the bus home to get ready and left Levi to prepare for his last client for the day. He dropped a dizzying kiss on my lips as I left, promising to meet me at the club.

  There weren't too many people at the club tonight, which was great as we had time to relax and talk a bit more than usual. Tiff was working tonight and I was growing really fond of her.

  "Nice tattoo Nix," Tiff studied my healing tattoo. "When did you get it done?"

  "A couple of days ago." I smiled. "Levi did it for me. I love it." There was a bittersweet memory attached to the tattoo now. I really did love it, but it reminded me of the showdown with Mom.

  I took a sip of Jack Daniels and decided I was done moping around. This was the beginning of my own life and if Mom didn't want to be part of it, that was her loss. Not mine. I smiled at the epiphany and felt better already. I took another sip of JD. I was deeply in love. My friends and boyfriend were incredibly good to me. I had absolutely no reason to complain and mope around.

  "You look like you just won the lottery," Tyler observed as he walked up to the bar where I was working.

  "I’ve decided I’m done with all the crap in my life. I have the best friends in the world and I love my boyfriend. It's more than enough. I’m saying to hell with everything else, I just want to be happy," I explained.

  "That’s my girl! Do we need to celebrate?"

  "Of course! Tequila?"

  Tyler nodded his agreement. We shared a round of shots, then another and followed it with a third round. By the time my angel arrived, I was a bit tipsy and couldn't stop kissing and hugging him. Outwardly, Levi looked fine, but he didn’t seem to be himself. Something was weird about his mood. Maybe he was just tired, I decided, as he’d worked hard today and hadn’t had a huge amount of sleep. I decided to let it go, he was allowed to be moody. God knows he’d dealt with a lot of my moods in recent days.

  Tiff was being a buffoon as normal, and I couldn't stop laughing at her. She was preparing shots for customers and her techniques were amazingly impressive. She had a huge amount of ability with the shaker and the bottles. She would throw the bottles high and catch them without even having to look for where they would fall. She was a freaking pro! Even the guys on the other side of the bar were busy wooing her. She’d never shown off her talent before. I decided she had to teach me, I wanted to be just as good as she was.

  Levi stayed near the bar, and he seemed morose. Something was off, he was never that quiet, and he had me worried. I wondered if talking about his Mom earlier had depressed him.

  "Levi? Is there something wrong?" I asked, when I took my break and joined him on the other side of the bar.

  "Just a rough day, Rock Star." He forced a smile and pulled me into his arms. "I love you," he said softly, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose. "Don't ever doubt me," he added seriously, pressing his forehead against mine.

  "I don’t doubt you Levi. I believe in you." He’d caught me by surprise, why would I have any need to doubt him? I knew he loved me and hearing the words sent waves of happiness through my limbs. "I love you, too."

  Lev leaned in to kiss me again, his mouth tasting of beer. He’d been drinking a lot of them tonight, which was unusual, but again, I could sense something wasn't right. Our lips and tongues connected and adrenaline heated my body like never before. My desire for him was rapidly increasing and I was afraid I would lost control. He slid a hand under my crop top and brushed his fingers over the skin on my back. He drew back from the kiss and gazed into my eyes, his expression serious. "You are perfect Rock Star, absolutely perfect for me. I love you." He leaned in again and nuzzled his nose with mine, then pressed his lips to mine again. This time he was more demanding, almost rough as he explored my mouth with his tongue. He was driving me crazy. I pulled him closer while our kissing session got hotter and hotter and Levi’s hands roamed over my naked skin. I pulled back abruptly, out of breath and dizzy with love, reminding myself I was at work and kissing my angel in front of all the customers. I needed to regain some control.

  "I’m working, this isn’t appropriate, Angel."

  His eyebrows furrowed and he shot me a surprised look. "Did you just call me Angel?"

  "You are my angel." My face flushed with embarrassment.

  He laughed and his whole body seemed to relax.

  "I'm no angel, Rock Star," he confessed quietly.

  "It doesn’t matter what you say, you’re my angel. You make me so happy and you always look out for me."

  "Aww. What the hell have I done to deserve you? You’re too good to me, Nix."

  He held me tight in his toned arms and ran his fingers through my hair. His lips met with mine one last time before I escaped from his grasp and
headed back behind the bar. He kept watching me, gazing at the tattoo peeking out from under my top. I was certain his desire was getting stronger. Just like mine.

  The night at the club ended earlier than I expected. Tyler told me to head home around midnight. I couldn't refuse the opportunity, I craved sleep after another emotional day. My angel followed me home. I didn't want him to drive because of the beers he’d consumed but he swore he was fine and I trusted him.

  Once we got home, I got into pajamas and we watched a shark documentary. Levi was captivated by the Great White Shark but I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.

  I woke up in his bed and a glance at the clock confirmed it was ten hours later. Levi had the most soft cotton sheets on his bed and they smelled like him. I pressed my nose against the pillowcase, inhaling his smell and I could have happily stayed there all day. I needed a bathroom break though, so I crept out of bed and snuck out of the room. Levi needed his sleep. After visiting the bathroom, I went into my room and got my guitar.

  The thing I enjoyed most in the morning, apart from morning sex in the shower with my angel, was playing guitar. Music was relaxing and almost therapeutic. Some people keep a journal, or pay thousands of dollars for therapy. Playing guitar was my thing. I played one of my favorite songs, ‘Folsom Prison Blue’ by Johnny Cash. That man was a star, he truly was. He had a rough life, but he could sing and play guitar like no one else. I had plenty of other favorite musicians and I ran through a few different songs, ending up playing John Legend’s, ‘All of me’.

  When I came to the end of the song, I realized that both Bekka and Levi were watching. Bekka had tears rolling down her cheeks and Lev had tears brimming in his eyes. It seemed I was the only one in the room not on the verge of crying, which felt good because I’d done plenty of crying for the past few days.