Ever, Sarah

by Hansen, C. E.

  Something seems to be missing here. Like a page was removed. I looked closely and could see that there was a page cut out. Maybe I didn’t like what I wrote? Do over?

  Dear Diary,

  Something has come up and I know I can’t tell Brad, in fact, I won’t even write it down. I don’t know how he will react. I don’t want to make his mood worse, or put more tension on our relationship, so for now mum is the word.

  Dear Diary,

  I’m constantly worried and afraid. My stomach is rather queasy and I’m constantly tired. I want to be my happy self again, but it will be some time before that happens.

  The good news is there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is. Right?

  Dear Diary,

  I think Brad suspects, but he hasn’t said a word. Maybe he doesn’t want a confrontation, or maybe he is not happy about it…or am I just being self-conscious and acting like a jerk? I have to admit, I’ve been such a bitch lately.

  Dear Diary,

  I don’t know what to do. I obviously can’t talk to Brad. But it’s getting a bit serious and I am beginning to get more than a little nervous. I need to tell someone, but I am just not sure my mother is the right person to tell. I don’t want her to worry any more than she already does. She treats me like I’m made of glass!

  It’s at times like this, when I wish I had a friend to confide in.

  I felt a chill run down my spine, and pulled the covers up over my legs.

  I was glued to the pages; it felt like something ominous was about to happen. I continued to read.

  Each day it seemed I got more and more paranoid. I was almost afraid to leave the house.

  Dear Diary,

  Why am I here? If I can’t live like I want to or should, then why am I here. Granted, I’m probably feeling sorry for myself. God you are saving my mother a fortune in medical bills. If not for you, I’d be telling a therapist all of this shit at an exorbitant rate.

  Oh my, I sound so sad. Desperate actually. I am on a one-way trip to heartbreak.

  Dear Diary,

  It’s gotten out of control. I need to tell

  I flipped the page, but the next entry didn’t make sense.

  everyone that I am finally happy. The threat is gone. I feel comfortable again. The stress level is down.

  After reading this woman’s, ‘my’, diary, I’m beginning to have a feeling for how she thinks, and this is not right. Something is just not right.

  I heard the key in the lock and quickly jumped out of bed and shoved the diary back into the bottom pouch of my makeup bag, rapidly zipping it up. I walked softly into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I didn’t want Kevin to see that I’d been crying. I pushed my fingers through my hair, and brushed at invisible lint on my clothing. I was tense and worried and disjointed and I had to look like everything was dandy. Right? In either case, I left the bedroom and walked slowly down the stairs.

  Kevin heard me approaching and turned to face me. He had a bit of a smile on his face and I noticed once again how handsome he really was.

  “Hi.” I said.

  He spun around. “Hi yourself. How’d you sleep?”

  “Great. That’s the one thing I can’t complain about. I’ve slept like a stone since I got here.”

  He smiled.

  He looked so sweet. Like a child wanting approval.

  “How about a movie tonight?”

  “Only if popcorn is involved.”

  “Always.” He smiled. Then pulled a DVD out of one of the bags he placed on the table. “The Hangover!”

  “Sounds like a medical condition, not a movie.”

  “It’s both. But it’s also very funny.”

  “I’m in.”

  We had take out—Chinese.

  “Do I like Chinese?”

  “You love it.”

  “Well, thank you then.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “You’re good to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but really…Thank you.”

  Kevin ordered for us both and I loved everything I ate, but then again, he, like Brad, new all the things I loved. They both had the advantage.

  After dinner, Kevin put the movie on and we settled on the couch as we had the last two evenings. He sat down, and I sat next to him with my legs folded under me. Strangely, I still felt better keeping my distance. I don’t know if it was a defense mechanism, or I was just being extra cautious, but it was confusing to say the least. I mean I literally threw myself at Brad, without much provocation, and here was this man, treating me like a queen, bending at my every whim and I feel the need to maintain my distance. I have come to one conclusion. I am a very weird woman.

  Just like Kevin said, it was a very funny movie, and I tried my hardest to stay awake. But it was like I was being drugged. My eyes were closing even as I willed them open. I was fading, but I fought it.

  I caught the part where Phil, Stu and Alan took Doug to see the doctor. The doctor does blood work and tells Doug he found Rohypnol in the blood.

  “Roofies?”

  Roofies.

  Roofies.

  ‘The date rape drug.’

  Rooffies.

  Known as Rohypnol…

  Date rape?

  I stiffened a bit when I realized what they were saying, but quickly recovered.

  “What the hell is a roofie?” I giggled, “sounds like some made-up name.”

  “Who the hell knows? Hollywood.” He sneered. I turned to face him and for the first time since meeting him, I wanted to be anywhere but here with him. Just a feeling I had.

  “I am so tired; I have to go to sleep.” My head lobbed backwards on the sofa.

  “What am I thinking? Of course. Here, let me walk you up.”

  “Thank you, but I can go by myself. Finish your movie.”

  “Nah. No fun without you.”

  I don’t know why, but that sounded totally disingenuous.

  “Well, we’ve watched it this far, let’s see it to the end.” I said as I sat back down.

  Chapter Twenty

  I forced myself to keep my eyes open until the closing credits.

  “Let’s get you up to bed.” Kevin stood and pulled me up to him. I felt his arms wrap around me and I stiffened.

  He kissed my forehead and when I didn’t respond in any way, he looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

  “Do we have any chocolate ice cream?” I tossed it out there, knowing full well we didn’t have any. I had looked through the fridge earlier while I was waiting for the water to boil for my tea.

  “Um, I don’t think. No. I didn’t know we…you, of course, liked… like chocolate.” He seemed confused, out of sorts. Somewhat like I’d just caught him off guard. “I must have been in such a hurry to get home that I totally forgot you loved it. Do you want some? I can go out and…” He looked at me with a peculiar expression in his eyes, like he was trying to figure something out.

  “Oh no. Of course not. It’s late. I wouldn’t want you to go out now…” I trailed off.

  “Don’t be silly. I’m more than happy to get you some. There’s a Baskin Robbins in the strip mall, no more than a few miles down the road. I could be back in no time.” He was eager to please, I’d give him that.

  Maybe a little too eager.

  “Really, that close?” I waited a moment or two, then turned on the disappointed puppy eyes. “It’s late. I can wait until tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?” Was that relief I saw in his eyes?

  “Yeah. Positive. Tomorrow is fine. Really.” I was angry with myself. I should have acted more disappointed.

  “Good, let’s get you upstairs to bed.”

  “Okay.” I turned to go upstairs. I’d have to be quicker the next time. Have it planned out a little better.

  He said goodnight and kissed me outside my bedroom door. It was obvious his impatience with me was fading. He brought his face closer, his lips less than an inch from my own. His breath was hot and humid.<
br />
  His breath was not as sweet as….

  His tolerance for me to turn into a sexpot was waning and it felt like I wouldn’t have much more time before he’d run out of patience. I had to come up with a plan, since my chocolate ice cream plan failed.

  With his arms still on my shoulders, I turned and walked inside. I could feel the tension in his fingertips and he tried to hold on to me. It was a bit more forceful than he’d been during my stay here.

  I smiled my warmest smile and yawned. “So tired.”

  He finally stepped back and I closed the door with him standing there in the doorway. I can’t swear to it, but I thought I heard him curse under his breath.

  I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Afterwards, I sat down on the toilet seat for a few minutes. It seemed to hit me out of the blue that there was something about this arrangement that wasn’t right. I don’t know what it was, but there was something I wasn’t comfortable with.

  I walked out and paced the floor from the bathroom to the window and back again. I heard the noise on the top of the armoire and without looking at it, walked to the window to look outside.

  A definite mechanical sound emanated from that dark corner. I walked back to the other side of the bed and sat down. I listened closely and again the mechanical noise hummed.

  Television my ass.

  I tried to act normal, and avoided looking in the direction of the armoire, but if I had to guess, I would say that Kevin was now watching every movement I made. I pulled my socks off and climbed under the covers and turned off the lights.

  I turned my back to the wall with the armoire and pretended to go to sleep. Keeping my breathing as even as possible. I lay still.

  Several minutes later, there was more talking on the other side of the wall, albeit a bit lower in volume than the other day.

  “Fucking cunt. Fucking teasing cunt.”

  My brain froze and a cold chill worked it’s way up the length of my body, from my toes all the way to the top of my head, and all at once I was scared. No, I was petrified. There was something seriously wrong here and I could feel my desperation build. I didn’t know what I could do. No one knew where I was, although I did tell him I told my mother who I’d be with. The doors were locked with a key that only Kevin had, the windows must all be locked. The few I did try were solidly shut and I wasn’t able to move them an inch.

  I couldn’t fathom why he was doing this to me. I was more than confused. Could it be that I was being overly dramatic, building something that didn’t exist in my head. Or maybe it was just my own distrust. But I was positive he was watching me somehow. Maybe a camera, maybe a hole in the wall. Either way I felt violated. I shuddered as I thought there was no way out of here. Was I in danger? Would he hurt me? I needed to keep my wits about me. I needed to come up with a plan. I tried to stay awake, listening for any unusual sounds, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes opened, even with the amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins. I gave in to the darkness.

  I was running. I was running away from someone. Someone was trying to hurt me. I ran into a room and hid behind a chair. But then he found me. He found me and pulled me out from behind the chair. Blood.

  He was laughing. The sound echoed in my brain. It was so eerie. I fought; I tried to pull his hands off of me. I reached out and scratched his face. I pushed him back with all my might and ran back outside into the hallway towards the stairs.

  The door.

  I saw it below.

  I had to get to the door.

  His laughter filled the hall behind me, but I kept running. I had to get to the stairs.

  He caught up with me and pulled me backwards by my hair. He dug his fingers into my arms. I pushed at him, but he was stronger. He was shouting. I couldn’t make out what he was saying. The words were all jumbled in my head. I raised my hand to strike him and he pushed me back. He pushed me and for a few nanoseconds I was airborne. I fell backwards. My body hit something hard.

  Each blow hurt less than the first. I was fading, dying…in so much pain, I was praying for the darkness to take me. Hoping it would drown out the sound of the laughter. The malevolent sound that continued to ring in my ears.

  I heard screaming.

  “Stop. Stop. Don’t hurt me.” The voice was unrecognizable.

  I bolted upright in bed and looked around the dark room, straining my eyes. I felt panic set in and I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart beat as erratic as my breathing.

  I stood up.

  I wanted to run.

  Run from him.

  The door opened and he rushed in.

  “Are you okay?” His silhouette outlined by the light in the hallway. “Sarah. Sarah. Wake up. It was a dream. You’re having a dream. Wake up. Sarah.” His hands wrapped around my arms, and I felt him shake me. He held me tightly in his arms, but I needed to get away.

  “Leave me alone.” I pushed at him.

  “Sarah, you’re having a nightmare. No one is chasing you. No one is going to hurt you.” He still held me tightly to him. I could feel his chest rise and fall against my own. His hands began caressing my back. His fingers grazed the top of my backside as he continued to rub small circles on my back.

  All I wanted right then and there was for him to release me, but his hold was too tight. With his hands on my hips, he pulled me to him and began to grind his body up against mine.

  I wondered momentarily if he is showing me his desire or his perceived power over me.

  I felt his hardness rub up against my belly, and I froze. I swallowed hard to hold back the threatening nausea.

  “Please, let me go. I’m better now. Please.” I pushed at him again, not wanting to feel him against me in such an intimate way. He must have seen the panic in my eyes because he slowly loosened his hold on me.

  “Let me get you some water.” He backed up and walked into my bathroom. A few moments later he came out with a glass in his hand. In his other hand he held out a pill. I wanted to ask him where that came from. Does he have them stashed in every room, or does he just keep them handy in his pocket. “Take this. It will calm you down.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  “You need to take it.” His voice was stern, as though he were talking to a child.

  “I don’t want it.” I repeated.

  “Sarah, don’t make me force you. I know what’s better for you.”

  Like hell you do!

  My eyes opened wide and I could see something in his eyes that wasn’t there before, something strangely familiar. Something I didn’t like. I robotically opened my mouth and he placed the pill on the back of my tongue. I gagged and had no choice but to swallow it. He handed me the water and I took a long sip. Trying to dislodge the pill in my throat.

  “There. That’s better. Now get back into bed.”

  I did as I was told, all the while biding my time.

  He sat at the end of the bed for what seemed like forever. I turned away from him and pretended to fall asleep.

  “I won’t let him hurt you Sarah. You have no reason to be afraid.” His voice calm again. But that didn’t stop the fear and anger from building inside me. He stood and leaned over me. His lips swept across my cheeks and he turned his head just so his lips would be ready to claim mine if I moved in his direction. I refused to budge and I felt his whole body tense, heat was radiating off the surface of his skin.

  He stood and walked out, closing the door behind him.

  As soon as he was out the door and I heard the key in his door click into place, I jumped up and ran into the bathroom. I stuck my fingers down my throat several times. My eyes watered and my stomach hurled, but I finally threw it up. The pill came out and landed in the toilet. I drank several more glasses of water to flush out any that may have gotten into my system.

  “Son of a bitch.” I whispered.

  I made my way back to the bed and lay awake until the light of dawn slowly crept up the walls, illuminating what had quickly become my hell.


  Chapter Twenty-One

  I heard stirring in the room next door, but lay as still as I could. He closed his door behind him as he stepped into the hallway. I heard a key in the lock and shut my eyes. I held my breath until he thankfully walked past my door and down the hall. From the sound of his footsteps bouncing off every other step, I could tell he was in a hurry.

  I climbed out of bed and locked my door in case he decided to come back upstairs. He slammed a door close and then more footsteps. The front door opened and once again I heard the key in the lock, and immediately after he closed it, I heard the finality of the lock clicking into place.

  I watched out the window, casting my glance sideways until I could see his car pull out onto the road and I stepped back and watched as it speed past my window. I shook uncontrollably as a chill settled deep inside me and zipped the hoodie I’d been using since I arrived.

  I put my hand into the pockets and sat on the edge of the bed. I needed to get out of here at all cost.

  I felt something inside the pocket and pulled it out. It was several small sheets of paper that strangely enough looked very familiar to me. I unfolded them and nearly peed myself. In my hand were pages from my own diary.

  Every one of them in my own handwriting.

  How the hell?

  My hands were trembling, as red hot fury sets in. I sat with my mouth hanging open wide in disbelief as I began reading.

  Dear Diary,

  Brad stood me up for lunch. I was mad for about two minutes, but then I stepped off the elevator and walked outside. It was gorgeous. So beautiful, I decided to sit on the bench and do some people watching.

  I love this city. It has the most interesting people in the world walking the streets.

  So I was sitting minding my own and about fifteen minutes later, my stomach growled so loud the old guy sitting next to me laughed. That’s when I got up and headed to the hot dog cart. I knew Brad would disapprove, which was half the attraction.