by L. E. Bross
And selfishly, I loved spending my days with him before I went to work, even if it meant late nights of studying. Plus, if we had to move again, if I got accepted into a program at whatever university would take me, I didn’t want to have to pull him away from any new friends he might make.
Provided I got into one. All I had to do was figure out where I could go to finish my BA while still working somewhere that paid decently.
It was a lot, and it might even take me four more years, but I was going to succeed.
I had to start applying to in-state schools soon, and as a last resort, a few out of state just in case. Tuition would be a lot more than if I stayed in North Carolina, where I was a resident, so I was really hoping I got lucky and could stay.
It didn’t even matter which school, as long as they had a bachelor’s program for business management, which most did.
After tucking my books back into my bag, I pushed the light switch and headed down the hallway in the dark. This place wasn’t much and we didn’t have much, but this was all me. Somehow I’d managed to survive the past two years.
And I’d make it through the next five, the next ten—because failing wasn’t an option.
I wasn’t the same girl I was before all this. I was stronger. More determined. Nothing—and no one—was going to make me apologize for any of it.
Damn anyone who tried.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ryan
“So why didn’t you tell me that you’d run into Tess?” Seth asked, trying way too hard to be casual. He’d apologized for Sunday when he got there, but I knew that the only reason he did was because Avery put him up to it.
It was Wednesday night and we were tinkering under the hood of his truck. He kept it at his old trailer—well, it was really his now, even though he stayed with Avery most nights. Seth’s stepfather never actually put the thing in his name, so it was deeded to Seth’s mom, who had died years earlier. As the eldest child, it went to him. He rarely even went inside. There were way too many bad memories there for him to deal with.
“Didn’t seem like a big deal,” I said, making my tone equally neutral as I reached for a wrench. “Saw her, gave her a ride, then fixed her starter, then said see ya.”
I really didn’t expect to see her again. The park was a fluke. That we were both there on Sunday.
“She tell you what the deal was with the kid?”
The way he said it, so condescending and judgmental, made anger flare in my gut. Seth was normally the last guy to pass judgment on anyone’s choices. “His name is Noah,” I ground out.
“Whoa. Hold the fucking fort. Why the hell are you getting all defensive? You met the kid, like, once. All I was asking was did she tell you anything?”
I stood up and tossed the wrench into my toolbox. We’d barely spoken since his dickheadedness at the park, and when he came over looking for help with his truck, I thought it was a peace offering. Clearly not so much. “Yeah, man. Right between the starter and spark plug she spilled her guts and told me her entire fucking life story.”
“Jesus, Ry, chill out. What the hell is up with you?”
I pushed back from the truck and walked over to the front steps of Seth’s trailer. He had a cooler of beer next to them, so I grabbed one. I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t have a clue. Seeing Tess had scrambled things in my head.
Color me twenty shades of surprised when the first thing I felt was attraction to her, not anger. Maybe I just hadn’t reconciled the woman she was now with the girl who broke my heart. My brain hadn’t quite caught up yet.
When it did, I could stop thinking about her.
“I saw the way you were looking at her,” he said, coming over to sit. He wiped the grease off his hands and tossed the towel on the ground. “Didn’t look like much has changed.”
“For fuck’s sake, Seth, what’s your problem?” I didn’t know why he was pushing it so far. Even if I did decide that I was going to see her again, it wasn’t up to him. He might be my best friend, but he’d done a lot of shit I told him not to do.
“I was there after she left. If you don’t remember how destructive you got, then I’ll be happy to remind you.” And he would list every single thing I did in those weeks after too.
“She’s not fucking Melissa, okay? She wasn’t using me for anything,” I ground out. I knew it was dirty to bring up the pretty little rich girl who’d broken Seth’s heart when we were younger, but dude was pushing all the wrong buttons. “When she left I was hurt, pissed off even, but we were kids. Her grandmother got sick and her father stepped up. She had opportunities that she never would have stuck where we were. I don’t blame her for wanting something better.”
Maybe that was the draw to her. I needed her to know that whatever happened back then was in the past. Seeing her again was my chance to really put it behind me. Closure or some bullshit like that.
It had nothing to do with the emotions that flickered through her eyes when I stared at her lips too long, or the way her breath caught when we got too close to each other.
It definitely had nothing to do with the urge to rediscover how she felt under my fingers, or how she tasted, or what sounds she made when she was on the verge of letting go.
None of those things mattered.
And I’ve got some beachfront property in Iowa to sell you too, my mind snorted.
Seth reached over and grabbed a beer, then leaned back against the door. “I just don’t get how you’re not pissed at her. After what she did . . .”
I shrugged. I didn’t have an answer for that because I knew I should be at least a little peeved at her still. Your first heartbreak is a big deal. “I’m not fifteen anymore. We all made mistakes. It was a long time ago.” Did Seth want everyone judging him by the shit he did when he was younger, or even more recently? I’d bet no.
“She’s in your head already, isn’t she?” Seth asked. “Why?”
It was a legit question. Seth had been the one who made sure I stayed out of trouble during those months after Tess walked. I wanted to break things. Do stupid shit to make me forget about her. He let me get it out of my system, but he also stayed right there making sure I didn’t get too stupid. Dangerous stupid. Juvie stupid.
“I don’t know, man. When I saw her in the grocery, it was sort of the collide-with-a-train feeling. Then when I was helping her with the car and everything, there were times when . . .” I scrubbed my hand over my face.
“When?” Seth prodded.
“She looked so damned lost. Like she was a breath away from breaking into a million pieces.” I’d seen her crying before I knocked on the window of her car that day in the store parking lot. It tore me apart not to be able to reach in and pull her out, tell her everything was going to be okay, but as soon as she saw me there, she straightened her shoulders and gave me the I dare you to pity me look. She had a strength inside her that made me proud. Out of everything that had happened, she hadn’t lost that.
Seth pointed his beer bottle at me. “Folks, we have a winner. Ding. Ding. Ding. That right there is the answer.”
“Huh?”
“You are a saver. You have a fucking hero complex the size of Texas. You take care of people without anyone even asking. Your dad. Me. Sara. It’s what you do. It’s who you are, man.” Satisfied with his Freudian analysis of me, Seth sat back and took a long draw off his beer.
“And you are full of shit,” I said, even though I knew it was true. I had felt like a knight coming to the rescue of the princess when I walked across that parking lot on Friday. Fuck me.
“So what you need to do is stay away from her. If you can’t see her being all ‘Save me, Ryan’ ”—he wiggled his fingers and pitched his voice to sound like a girl—“then you won’t feel the need to swoop in and take care of her. Problem solved.”
“Didn’t realize there was a problem in
the first place.” I finished my beer and tossed the empty bottle into the can by the door.
Seth sighed. “Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid, okay? You got a good thing going on with your job and Shari. You said it yourself: you aren’t looking for a relationship. You got everything you want. Enjoy it, man. Why rock the boat?”
I shook my head. “You’re so full of shit, man. Last week you were telling me to get serious about someone. Now you’re saying leave things the way they are. You need to decide which person you want me to be here.”
Seth turned and looked me straight in the eye. “No, bro,” he said. “You do.”
Why rock the boat?
That was exactly what I was asking myself the following Saturday morning when I pulled up outside Tess’s apartment with a chai latte, a chocolate milk, and a bag that had three doughnuts and a Danish inside.
I knew she was home because her white Honda was parked in the same spot as before.
I could still drive away. There was no rule that said just because you drove to a girl’s house you had to knock on the door. Seth’s voice pounded in my head. Seriously, what the hell was I doing?
Checking on her car. Any good mechanic always follows up. That’s the excuse I’d come up with earlier. Which was complete bullshit because most don’t even care if they fixed it right the first time. But before I could change my mind and restart my truck, the second-floor door opened and Noah bounded out and jumped down the steps, one at a time.
He glanced over his shoulder and I waited, but Tess wasn’t behind him.
He hit the sidewalk and ran over to Tess’s car, then pulled on the door handle in the back. I took the keys out of the ignition and pushed out of the truck. I couldn’t imagine Tess would just let him run around outside by himself, not after the look she had on her face at the park when she’d lost track of him for a minute.
With the coffee and paper bag in hand, I sauntered across the parking lot.
Noah was pulling on the handle harder now and trying to see into the car window. I looked around but there wasn’t anyone else in the parking lot. God, how long would it take some nut job to swipe a kid? Goose bumps sprang up on my arms.
“Hey, buddy, whatcha looking for?” I asked, leaning an elbow against the roof.
Noah looked up, his eyes wide with fear before he saw me. His face immediately lit up. “Hey, Ryan. I was just lookin’ for my red car. I lost it.” Now a frown turned his mouth down.
“Maybe you should ask Tess to help you? Does she know you’re outside by yourself?” If I hadn’t come by this morning, Noah would have been out here alone. “Where is Tess anyway?”
Noah ducked his head. “In the shower.”
Yeah. I needed to get him upstairs in a hurry.
“How about if I carry you and you carry breakfast?”
His eyes lit up when he saw the brown paper bag. “’Kay.”
He was squirmy and warm and smelled like soap and still had on his dinosaur pajamas and no shoes. It made me wonder again where his dad was.
“So you know how to unlock the door, huh, buddy?” I wondered if Tess knew this.
“In case of ’mergency,” he said importantly.
I chuckled as we made it up the stairs and I was trying to figure out how to knock on the door with my hands full of coffee and a kid when it flew open. Tess slammed into my chest, then took a step back. Her eyes were wide and her gaze slashed from me to Noah.
“Found him trying to get his toy out of the car,” I said.
It may have sounded more like a croak, though, because Tess was standing there with wet hair clinging to her face in nothing but a towel. A not very big towel that barely covered the parts that counted. What was I doing there again? My mind was blank.
Water droplets clung to her skin and glistened in the sunlight. I tried very hard not to swallow my tongue. Or lean over and lick them off. Jesus. I took a step back and exhaled.
“Noah Riley Maxwell.” Her voice was high-pitched and it shook as she tried to keep it steady.
Noah’s bottom lip shot out and started to tremble. “I couldn’t find my red car.”
“You know you are never supposed to go outside without an adult. What if . . .” She took in a ragged breath and then shook her head. Fear had been shining out of her eyes, but now relief mixed in with it. “You need to go to your room for a time-out, and then we are going to talk about this.”
I set him down, and he walked toward the back of the apartment with his head hanging down.
He almost made it to the bedroom door when I whispered, “He has the bag of doughnuts I brought. There’s a Danish in it for you too. You don’t even have to get dressed either.”
I grinned and let myself have one more thorough look. Temptation proved too much and I reached out and used my thumb to wipe off a stray drop of water from her collarbone. We both froze and surprise flickered across her face. I heard her breath catch in her throat and damned if it didn’t make my jeans too tight in the time it took me to exhale and step back.
Her eyes went wide and her gaze darted from the coffee to my face and back. Then she seemed to remember that she was wearing nothing but a towel, because she squeaked and stumbled away toward the bedroom, clutching her towel tight.
“I’ll be right back,” she mumbled, turning three shades of red.
I stood there like an idiot holding the coffee and staring after her. What the hell was that? I didn’t mean to wipe that drop away, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. And I fucking carried Noah up the stairs with his arms wrapped around my neck.
Warning bells should be ringing the fuck out of my head right now.
Where were they?
I set the coffee down on the table, clasped both hands behind my neck, and looked up at the ceiling. I should go. I should never have even come. It seemed like a good idea when I was getting dressed earlier, and once I thought about it, it was like there was a fire under my ass to get here.
Now, my feet were stuck in quicksand.
Shit.
I heard a door open and Tess came out in a flowy tank top and her cutoff shorts. Her hair was still wet, but she’d brushed it. She also had the bag.
“I confiscated it, but not before he ate two.” She shook her head. “Thank you. For bringing him back up. When I got out of the shower and couldn’t find him . . . God, he knows better. I showed him how to unlock the door only in case there was a fire or something. I never thought he’d just go outside.” Her hand started to shake, and I grabbed the chai latte from the holder and gave it to her.
“I think he was headed right back up once he figured out the car door was locked,” I offered.
“But what if . . . I mean, this neighborhood isn’t the best. God. Our old one was so much better. He could play outside. We had nice neighbors. Now, I don’t even like to let him play with me standing right next to him.” Her eyes started to glisten and she blinked rapidly. “We have to drive to the park so he can stand in line for the slide now. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
She said the last words under her breath and sank down onto the couch. And sank some more as the cushion gave way. That thing had to be as old as time, and it looked like it might have belonged in a tribute-to-the-sixties museum—all huge flowers in awful colors. Or maybe Tess was into that retro look?
Her entire apartment, what little furniture there was, seemed to have been collected for its . . . age. A lot of things were. Her car. This place. Even the toolbox Noah had used to help me with the starter was a cheap plastic knockoff with a broken handle.
I wanted to ask so badly it hurt.
But I bit my tongue.
Tess took a long drink of chai, then exhaled. When she looked up, there was less panic around her eyes. “Sorry. That just really freaked me out. So, since this really isn’t a destination hot spot, you can’t have ju
st been in the neighborhood . . .”
“I . . . ahhh . . . wanted to make sure your car was running okay.”
A half smile turned her lips up on one corner. “Better than it has in a long time.”
“Good.”
And . . . I hadn’t quite thought through to this awkward part after I checked on her car. I didn’t want to leave her yet. I yanked my cap off and dragged my fingers through my hair.
A smile danced over her lips. “You used to do that a lot when you were nervous.”
I froze and her eyes went wide. The monkey in the room just danced across the high wire between us. I cleared my throat and shoved my cap back on. I should go now. Since I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing here in the first place, standing there saying nothing was just making it worse.
“I, ahh . . .” I said.
“So you . . .” she said at the same time.
“Go ahead,” I said a little too quickly.
Tess pushed herself up and moved a little closer to set her cup down and grab the bag that was on the coffee table. “So you said you work in construction?” Her gaze was interested and not censorious. It was hit or miss when people found out what I did.
Shari seemed incredulous that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Working with my hands gave me the kind of satisfaction nothing else did. I created things. Fixed things. And yes, the irony was not lost on me.
But I was good at it and had no plans to do anything else right off.
“Yeah. I started helping my dad out a few years ago and it stuck. Guess I’m pretty good at it, because I stay busy.”
“How are your parents? I remember they were always so nice to me.”
Anger pooled in my gut. “My mother took off about a year after you did.” I didn’t mean it to sound so harsh, but any time my mother came up, I couldn’t stop the surge of raw fury that always followed.