by L. E. Bross
Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, God, Ryan. I’m sorry. That must have been awful.”
For the first time since I first saw her, the bitterness rose up. “Yeah, it sucked pretty bad.” I met and held her gaze until she looked away. Her cheeks were flushed and she fiddled with the edge of the paper bag. I knew she didn’t misinterpret the meaning.
But it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, when I heard her ragged inhale and saw her shoulders start to shake, I felt like a huge dick.
“I really am sorry, Ryan,” she finally said. When she looked up, her eyes were shiny and damned if it didn’t sucker punch me right in the stomach. “If this me could go back and tell that me what an idiot I’d be, well”—she gave a hiccupy half laugh—“hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? We all have regrets. I’m sure.”
What was she saying? That she regretted not trying harder to make things between us work before she gave up? My pulse leaped and thundered in my ears. Jesus, I couldn’t even imagine how things would have turned out if Tess had been there all along. If she’d been there when my mom left. If we had the future we always talked about.
What if Noah had been ours?
I almost stumbled back. What the fuck was I thinking?
“Sorry. I think that Noah’s little escapade hit a little harder than I realized.” Tess stood up straighter, and I could see the determination in her smile. Yes, there was an edge of desperation there too, but that had been there since I saw her in line at the grocery.
Life may have kicked her a few hundred times, but she hadn’t broken. Somehow she was making whatever had happened work and doing it all alone. And so I wanted to take that look of fatigue off her face, if only for a little while.
And selfishly, I wanted to just be around her.
“Not sure what your plans are today, but this house I’m working on right now has a killer backyard with one of those wood play sets. The owners aren’t back for a month, waiting on the renovations to be done. If you’re not doing anything, I could take you guys there. Noah could have it all to himself.”
Her face lit up. “Would you show me what you do? I’d love to see that too.”
My damned pulse stuttered again. No one had ever asked to see what I do. Not even Seth. Sure, he helped out one or two times in the early days, but I was a hell of a lot better at it now. My dad never showed up anymore. Shari would not be caught dead at a job site.
That one little request hit harder than it should have.
I cleared my throat. “Not much to see, really.”
“Are you kidding me? You make things with your hands. Buildings and rooms and . . . oh, I don’t know . . . bookshelves or something.” Her hands were flying all over the place as she talked too fast. “I can’t even put together LEGOs. I would love to see it up close.”
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss anyone as badly as I did Tess right that second.
When I came over last Saturday morning to fix her car, and leaned close to her to get my coffee, the urge was almost too strong to resist. She’d smelled so damned good and looked even better, and I heard the way her breath had caught. Only at the last second did I pull away.
That was a road I didn’t want to go down, though.
Or thought I didn’t.
Because right now, the idea of backing her against the counter and tasting her again was all I could think about. Judging by the way her tongue darted out to run over her bottom lip, how she kept looking at my mouth, she wanted it too.
We stood like that, with the tension building between us and my jeans getting tighter until I was two seconds away from dragging her into my arms—consequences be damned.
“I’ll get Noah,” she said breathlessly.
She turned and moved past me, and the back of her hand brushed against mine and I could have gone off like a fucking firecracker just from her touch. As soon as she went into the bedroom I made a few adjustments, so my jeans weren’t quite as uncomfortable.
Part of me knew this was a shitty idea. Spending more time with her was going to be torture, especially after the last few minutes. But Noah deserved to play someplace safe and with everything to himself, and I had the ability to give him that. I was doing it for Noah.
Tess and I were just . . . God, could we be friends?
How the hell would that even work? Aside from Sara and Avery, I didn’t have any chick friends. They all fell under the umbrella of hookups. Even though I hung out with Shari sometimes, it was always with Seth and Avery, unless we were hooking up. Not sure that counted.
“Okay, we’re ready,” Tess said, appearing with Noah at her side. He looked contrite but bubbled with excitement.
“I get a whole playground just for me?” he asked.
“Sure do, buddy.”
I glanced at Tess, who was looking at Noah with so much love shining in her eyes that it took my breath away. I had no idea if this was a good idea or not, pretty sure not actually, but the smile Noah shot me chased away any doubt.
And the one Tess gave me?
Made me seriously doubt that a friendship with her was possible.
CHAPTER NINE
tess
“You built this?” I asked incredulously. We were walking around the inside of an amazing house while he explained the work he’d done. I tried to keep my jaw from hanging open. I had no idea he was so talented.
Ryan scratched the back of his neck and ducked his head. “Well, the house was here, but we pretty much gutted the downstairs and are building it back up more to what the current owners want.”
“But you’re doing it,” I said. “Making walls and rooms and ceilings. That’s amazing. I had no idea you wanted to do this.” My voice got quieter. He never mentioned wanting to do anything like this when we were younger. I talked about my dreams all the time, about how I wanted to find new stars and name them after people I knew. The very first one would be called Ryan.
I chuckled to myself.
Ryan never talked about what he wanted, though; he was content to just listen to me dream.
“Well, I sort of fell into it and found out that I’m not too bad at it.”
“Not bad?” I turned a full circle and looked at every single thing I could see. “Not everyone can do what you do. Create something from just parts.” I stopped and met his gaze. “You should be very proud of what you’ve done. I am.”
His eyes darkened, and for a second, it felt like we were the only two in the room. His gaze caught mine and I couldn’t look away. There was something so intense there that it made me ache everywhere. This draw between us kept getting stronger.
“What that?” Noah asked, breaking the spell that held Ryan and me together. He’d been equally entranced by all the construction, but more by the tools than anything else.
Ryan cleared his throat and tugged on the brim of his cap before kneeling down next to Noah.
“You want to help me out and hammer a nail into that board right there?” Ryan asked him.
I thought Noah was going to implode from excitement. “Yes.”
I moved closer.
“I’ll show you how it’s done, ’kay?” Ryan pulled out a nail from a pouch of some sort that was part of a pile of things I could never identify. He took out a hammer and held the nail up to one of the boards that ran from the floor to the ceiling. It looked kind of important.
“Are you sure he should practice on that board?” I asked. “What if it falls down?” I could just picture Noah hitting that board and the whole house falling in around us.
Ryan grinned, and my pulse skipped a beat. “It’s fine, Tess. Would take more than one stud to destroy a house.”
My brain stuck on the word stud and I almost missed it when Ryan lifted the hammer and drove the nail into the board in three hits.
“Whoa,” Noah gushed. I silently agreed.
“Now you try.” Ryan tapped in the nail so it stood up straight, then gave the hammer to Noah. “Hold it steady and then keep your eye on the nail. Then when you’re ready, hit it.”
Two tiny fists wrapped around the handle and it was all Noah could do to lift it up. He stared at the nail, then brought the hammer down. It missed and bounced off the wood, then fell onto the floor with a thud.
“Sorry,” Noah said quickly. He glanced at me, then at Ryan. “I missed.” He looked so crestfallen that I wanted to hug him.
“I dropped it a dozen times when I first tried,” Ryan said. He picked up the hammer and urged Noah closer. “Put your hand on mine, so you can feel how it works.” Noah did, and Ryan slowly brought the hammer back, then down. It hit the nail square on, and Noah shouted in joy.
“Now try again,” Ryan said.
I backed away a few steps. My chest tightened and I needed to catch my breath. Again, I realized how much Noah was missing without a man in his life. When he lifted the hammer and brought it down, hitting the nail this time, he jumped up and gave Ryan a high five.
“Awesome,” Ryan said with a grin. “Pretty soon you’ll be building stuff all by yourself.”
“Maybe we can build somethin’ together?” Noah said.
Ryan laughed and ruffled Noah’s hair. “Sure, buddy.” Noah let out a whoop and darted off to the next architectural wonder that probably seemed like magic to a three-year-old boy, Ryan trailing close behind.
The vise that had hold of my heart tightened. I had no idea at all what Ryan wanted. Why he came over this morning, or why he invited us to this house. Part of me waited for him to say that the joke was on me and just leave. Just walk away and leave us stranded.
But I knew Ryan would never do that, even if he hated me. Which he should, but I couldn’t tell if he did. Especially when he looked at me like he wanted to do things we hadn’t done in a long time. Earlier, I thought he was going to kiss me.
And I wanted him to.
Would have let him.
Because it had been so long since I’d felt anything strong enough to wish it would happen. Since I’d become Noah’s guardian, something inside me clicked off. I put all my energy into taking care of him. There just wasn’t any extra time in my life to try and figure out this dating-with-a-child thing.
I couldn’t give up another part of myself when I had so little to give.
Sometimes, I would wish I had someone. Late at night, when I was alone and lonely, I’d wonder if it was time to try again. But then my mind would race ahead. How would I give Noah the attention he deserved while getting to know someone new? Between work and school and him, I had precious little time to myself.
I’d always thought there would be time later, when Noah was older. And I was fine with that. Until Ryan appeared in my life again. He made me physically crave more. When I touched his hand earlier, it was like someone shocked me. I wanted to twist my fingers in his, tug him closer, and wrap my other arm around his neck.
I wanted to feel his lips on mine. On my neck. My shoulder. Everywhere. It made me finally acknowledge just how much I did miss having someone.
“Tess?”
Ryan’s voice pulled me from my thoughts and I saw that Noah was gone. I looked around and familiar panic rose up when I couldn’t see him. God, I’d been daydreaming about Ryan, and Noah disappeared.
“Easy,” Ryan said, suddenly next to me. “He’s just outside exploring.” He wrapped his warm, firm hand around mine and led me to a huge window. Just outside I saw Noah running around a wooden play set that looked like it should be in a magazine.
I exhaled in relief and watched him climbing up a short wall that led to a small slide. He could not be grinning any bigger. “I should go out with him.”
“Tess, wait,” Ryan said.
I realized that he had not let go of my hand and I stared down at where we were connected. We were teenagers again and hanging out at the park, holding hands and kissing. Nothing else mattered back then.
I closed my eyes.
Some days that girl felt like she existed a lifetime ago. I couldn’t remember what freedom tasted like. I had woken up every single day since that call two years ago knowing that I was responsible for another human being. A nineteen-year-old kid had to be the responsible one then.
And I still had to be now.
I forced a smile and pulled my hand free, though every nerve in my body begged me not to let go. “Looks like he needs a push. I should really go out.” Each step took me away from Ryan, and I desperately wondered what he’d been about to say.
But whatever it was, it couldn’t matter.
CHAPTER TEN
ryan
“So where the hell have you been?” Seth asked. “Called a few times but you never called back.”
I tucked my phone against my shoulder and stretched out the tape measure against the wall. I made a mark with a pencil and let the tape slide back in. “God, you sound like a whiny girlfriend,” I joked. Truth be told, I didn’t want to tell Seth I’d spent the morning with Tess and Noah. He’d shit a brick if he knew. “Some of us work for a living and don’t hang around a bunch of books and chicks all day.”
Seth knew I was kidding with him. I was damned proud of my boy for going to college, and he knew it.
“Don’t forget the coffee shop study dates,” he answered back.
“Just don’t tell me you’re drinking mochaccino lattes now, or I am officially revoking your man card.”
He laughed. “So I called because the girls wanted to go out dancing tonight. We’ll all meet at the apartment at seven and go from there.” By girls he meant Avery and Shari. Going out would entail drinks and dancing and then there was a good chance that Shari would want to hook up after. Which had never been a problem before.
Shit.
Why the hell did the idea of hooking up with Shari suddenly make me feel guilty as all fuck?
“Can’t, man,” I said, before my brain caught up with my mouth.
“Why the hell not?” I had to be careful what I said because he’d know in a second that I was bullshitting him. At least I didn’t actually have anything planned with Tess, so I didn’t have to lie about that.
“Dad isn’t feeling well, and I don’t want to leave him alone tonight.”
After a few seconds, Seth exhaled. “Everything okay?”
Things with Dad were up and down constantly. It had been like that since Mom left us. Seth had my back like I had his. Which made lying to him feel like a kick in the gut. But the alternative? Yeah, that would be a real kick to my ass.
Seth had big fucking feet.
“I think he’s coming down with a bug, but you know how he gets. Won’t take medicine and won’t eat. Just want to make sure it’s nothing serious.”
“I’ll let Ave know. She’ll probably want to drop by with chicken soup or something.”
“Better not. I don’t want anyone else getting sick. You guys are out straight right now with classes. Would suck to fall behind.”
I knew that Seth was busting his ass trying to get in as many classes as he could manage, and Avery, well she’s a classic overachiever who needs to have six things going on at once. They really were perfect for each other.
Since I’d told Seth I was going to stay home, home was exactly where I ended up. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Not that I really wanted to spend the evening watching Jeopardy! reruns.
As soon as I walked into the door, I knew something was up. Instead of being in his usual spot in the recliner, Dad was pacing back and forth in the kitchen.
It had been the same thing for the last six years, so seeing him clearly sober and clearly agitated sent warning bells off in my head.
When he’d first started screwing things up on the job sites, I stepped in and started fixing shit. For the first couple of years, peop
le kept calling him to do remodeling projects. They had no idea it wasn’t him doing them.
It was during that first summer after Mom left that a few people figured it out and started calling me instead. Then word spread and more people called. I barely made the grades to graduate because I worked every day after school, but I hardly cared. The money was pretty damned good.
And the kicker was that Dad didn’t even care. He sat home and did nothing all day and I found something I was good at. Except now something was wrong.
“Hey, Dad,” I said carefully.
He swung around and pinned me with a clear-eyed gaze.
“That goddamned woman is trying to drive me insane,” Pops said.
Ah, that goddamned woman being our new neighbor I’d bet.
“What did she do this time, try to fix your chi again? Give you a dozen wind chimes?”
“She baked me a blueberry cobbler.” He spat the words like that was the most horrific thing that could ever happen to a man.
Sure enough, a rectangle baking dish sat on the counter next to where he’d been pacing. I moved into the kitchen and lifted the tinfoil and groaned. It looked and smelled delicious. “You gonna eat it?” I asked, already digging out two forks from a side drawer.
Pops side-eyed the dessert like it was a rattler. “You eat that whole thing you’ll be sick as a dog. I better try it and make sure it’s fit for eating.”
I hid my smile as I wordlessly handed him a fork.
Pops took a bite and closed his eyes and fucking groaned out loud. I laughed. There was nothing I could do to stop it. “Admit it, you like our neighbor’s cobbler.”
Pops glared at me, but he shoveled another mouthful in before I could even take my first bite. “It’s just all right,” he grumbled.
But not once did he stop moving the fork from the dish to his mouth.
“So why did our irritating neighbor bake you a cobbler after you told her you hated her wind chimes?” I asked a few minutes later, when I’d finally had my fill. Over half the dish sat empty now.