Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

  The most widely used kind of indirect opener I’ve come up with is the opinion opener, in which you ask a group for advice on a personal story. A well camouflaged opinion opener can still evoke ten minutes of excited responses—which are also ten minutes you can use to showcase your humor and personality.

  An easy opener for beginners is the “shady friend opener,” which was based on a girl I dated. One bonus with this routine is that it can help you ascertain if the girl you’re interested in is too jealous to seriously date.

  Here’s a word-for-word script. It was originally created in bars and clubs, so if you’re out by yourself during the day, instead of pointing to a friend in the room, pretend you just got off the phone with him.

  YOU: Hey guys, let me get your take on something. I’m trying to give my friend over there advice, but we’re just a bunch of men—so we’re not really qualified to comment on these matters.

  THEM: What’s that?

  YOU: Okay, this is a two-part question. If you’ve been dating a guy for three months and he doesn’t want you to hang out with one of your male friends, what’s the appropriate response? Assuming that the person is just your friend, and nothing would ever happen.

  THEM: I’d probably break up with the guy I’m dating.

  YOU: Okay, here’s the second part of the question. What if this friend was someone you used to sleep with? Does that change things?

  THEM: Well, I’m friends with some of my exes, but others I can’t be friends with. So it depends.

  YOU: Okay, makes sense. The reason I’m asking is because my friend over there has been dating a girl for three months, and she wants him to stop talking to a female friend of his. He hasn’t dated this other girl for years, and they’re really just friends. The problem is, if he stops talking to her, he’ll resent his girlfriend. But if he keeps talking to her, his girlfriend will resent him.

  THEM: Something like that happened to me once, and…

  If you’re talking to a group, make sure you ask all the members—even the men—for their opinions. No one should be excluded, because if they are, they’ll feel slighted or get bored—and could influence the group to shut you out.

  Most important, as you deliver this or any other opener, remember that it’s not the exact words that matter—it’s your attitude. The opener is used only to break the ice and get the group’s attention. It contains no magic formula that will make a woman swoon at your feet. It’s just a way to keep your mouth moving while you display your charming personality.

  After the Opener

  A good opener will naturally lead to other questions and topics of conversation.

  Often, you’ll be asked for your take on the dilemma you’ve asked about. Make sure you have one. If you’re normally a sarcastic or negative person, this world-view may create a bond with some women, but it rarely creates attraction. I know because I used to be that way, until I discovered that one of the keys to drawing people to you—and making them want to stay there—is radiating positivity.

  This is why it’s best to draw openers from your own life. If the opener is about someone in college, you should know what college it is. If it’s about someone in another country, you should know what country it is. Determine in advance the ages, professions, relationships, and other details of the people in the openers you use. If you deliver the opener correctly, she will most likely be curious and ask follow-up questions. So be prepared.

  But don’t overprepare. You’ll come up with plenty of clever responses to common questions, related topics to discuss, and interesting details in the moment. For example, if you’re using the shady friend opener, and it elicits a flurry of conflicting opinions, you may find yourself saying, with a bemused smile, “You guys are great. You’re just like The View.”

  However, beware of a common beginner mistake: milking the opener. As soon as the energy starts to flag, or you catch yourself thinking too hard of something to say to continue the conversation, the opener is over. Cut the thread and move on.

  You’ll learn exactly what to say next in future Challenge assignments, but for now just remember: As soon as you start struggling to keep a dying conversation topic going, you may as well be asking “How about some dick?”

  The Rule of Trying

  Now that you’re learning scripted material, it’s important to remember the rule of trying: Don’t. If you try hard, you die hard.

  As soon as you’re caught trying to impress her, trying to get validation, trying for attention, or trying too hard in any way, the game is over. One of the paradoxes of the game is that it takes a lot of effort to appear effortless.

  While it’s possible that in the future certain routines and lines in this book may become well known, the principles upon which they work have always been and will always be true. So feel free at any point to go to www.stylelife.com/challenge to learn new and proven openers created by Challengers and coaches.

  As you become more advanced, you’ll find yourself relying less on pre-scripted openers. You’ll eventually be able to go out with friends and challenge one another to come up with the most ridiculous opening lines possible. And as long as your attitude is upbeat, non-needy, empathic, and positive, you’ll discover that you can do no wrong.

  Troubleshooting

  Tomorrow you’ll learn the two keys to avoiding most things that can go wrong during an opener.

  For now, just remember that whatever happens during the opener is feedback. A rejection is not a comment on you but on your technique.

  If a woman tells you that she has a boyfriend (and you haven’t asked), it means she thought you were hitting on her. If she says she has to go to the bathroom, it means you made her uncomfortable. Adjust your future approaches based on these responses and develop answers that will transform common objections into attraction-building material. For example, if she accuses you of using a pickup line, you can respond, “You thought I was hitting on you? That’s cute, but I don’t think you could handle me.”

  Whatever you do, always remember the golden rule: You must open.

  If you don’t approach, you’ll never know whether that stranger could have become a girlfriend, a casual fling, a good friend, or even a career opportunity. Almost every student I’ve talked with has regrets about not approaching a girl. But few have ever regretted making an approach, no matter what happened.

  The pain of letting yourself down is much greater than anything someone else can say.

  MISSION 1: Fine-tune Your Openers

  Congratulations on delivering your first openers. Some of you may have found that conversations began with ease. Others, not so much. If you felt like you were bugging people, if someone asked whether you were taking a survey, or if you got funny looks, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means you’re ready for your next mission.

  Today you’re going to learn two key subtleties of opening. Once you add these pieces to your approach, you’ll notice a big difference in the effectiveness of the opener and the responses you get.

  So turn to your Day 8 Briefing and read about the two keys before continuing to the next mission.

  MISSION 2: Approach with Your New Tools

  Approach three women—or groups that include women—with the opener you used yesterday.

  This time, add both a root and a time constraint to each approach.

  MISSION 3: Evaluate

  When you return home, ask yourself if there was anything different about the responses you received from women you approached today, compared with those you approached yesterday. List three differences in the space below:

  If you used an opener you made up, but it didn’t seem to spark a natural conversation, then in future missions try using one of the scripts provided in this book (such as the shady friend or five oceans openers), or examine and modify your opener.

  If you’re not sure whether your opener is effective, post it on the Stylelife website message boards. There your fellow Challengers will evaluate an
d, if necessary, strengthen the material.

  As soon as you approach a group of strangers, they generally think two things: “What does this person want from me?” and “How long is he going to stay here?”

  One of the strategies of the game is anticipating and defusing these objections—and any objections—before they happen. If you do this successfully in the first minute or two of your approach, you’ll be much less likely to receive negative or flat responses.

  Rooting

  If a woman doesn’t know why you’re talking to her, she’ll generally be suspicious until she either finds out from you or guesses her own reason. This is why people using opinion openers for the first time are often asked if they’re taking a survey.

  To anticipate the question “What does this person want from me?” you need to “root” your opener by giving your question a legitimate context.

  For example, the opener may be something that’s just now come up in your life, and there’s a slightly urgent need to get an answer immediately.

  The best way to convey this is to explain at some point during the opener why you’re asking. You can use the following words to introduce your root: “The reason I’m asking is because…”

  In the shady friend opener, the reason you’re asking is that your buddy just moved in with his girlfriend, and she doesn’t want him to talk to one of his female friends. And you were just now trying to give him advice, but he won’t listen and you need some backup.

  The root doesn’t always need to be elaborate. It can be as simple as: “My friend and I were just talking, and we need a woman’s perspective.” If you’re not with a friend, then it can be a discussion you were just having on your cell phone. Anything reasonable qualifies as a root, as long as it lets the woman or group know why you walked up and started talking to them about that particular subject at that very moment.

  Time Constraints

  For most inexperienced men, the game consists of approaching a woman and trying to stay in constant conversation until she either dismisses him or sleeps with him. Because of this, women have developed a vast array of tactics to get rid of guys who lurk too long.

  This is why, from now on, you’re going to let her know right away that you’re not one of those guys. Unless she’s already attracted to you, from the minute you approach she will most likely be wondering how to get rid of you. Her strategies for doing so may include telling you she’s in the middle of an important conversation with her friends, claiming she has to go to the bathroom, or pretending that she has a boyfriend or is a lesbian.

  So to anticipate the question “How long is he going to stay here?” you’ll need to use a time constraint.

  A time constraint is anything that explicitly lets the woman or group know that you don’t plan on hanging around long. It should be inserted in the first minute of conversation, before the group has the chance to wonder when your story is going to end. So preface the opener you’ve been using with a time constraint like, “I have to get back to my friend in a minute, but, really quickly…” Or, in the middle of your opener, explain, “By the way, it’s guys night out and I shouldn’t even be talking to you all.”

  A time constraint doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be physical as well. This is conveyed by leaning away, rocking on your back foot, taking a few steps away as you’re talking, or anything else that makes it look like you’re in a hurry or on your way somewhere else.

  The best time constraints contain both elements: They’re expressed verbally and sold through body language.

  When you use both a time constraint and a root, it allows the woman or group to stop worrying about what you want and how to get rid of you, and relax enough to listen to what you have to say.

  But wait, you may be thinking. If you just told her you have to leave in a minute, how are you supposed to keep talking to her after the opener?

  Good question.

  The next key stage of the interaction is known as the “hook point.” This is when, instead of being a stranger taking up her time, you’ve captivated her—and suddenly she doesn’t want you to leave. So, reluctantly, you allow her to take up a little more of your precious time.

  Becoming that guy is what the next week of the Stylelife Challenge is all about.

  MISSION 1: Crunch Time

  Next week, the pace is going to pick up. So to make sure you’re caught up and ready to proceed, today is review day.

  Your task is to look over the previous eight days of assignments. Then ask yourself:

  Is there any mission I skipped?

  Is there any mission I feel I didn’t complete?

  Is there any mission I didn’t perform to my satisfaction?

  Is there any mission I’d like to do again?

  Have I backslid in my vocal training, posture, grooming, or commitment to my goals?

  Take this opportunity to explore or repeat any previous assignments and exercises you need to reinforce.

  MISSION 2: Approach Mixed Groups

  If you’ve approached only lone women or groups of women during the Challenge so far, then it’s time to approach groups that contain men.

  Your mission is to approach two groups of three or more people that include men as well as women.

  Approaching groups with men may sound daunting if you haven’t done it yet, but it’s generally easier in practice. The more intimidating people are to approach, the less likely it is they’ve been approached.

  Don’t forget, all you have to do to ensure the success of the approach is make sure that the guys are always involved in the conversation, they feel respected, and they know you’re not hitting on the women. At least not yet.

  MISSION 3: Intervention

  Statistically, the ninth day of a new self-improvement program is the point when most people drop out. That’s not going to be you. So your final task today is to read your Day 9 Briefing and prepare to learn how to learn.

  When I first set off on my journey to learn the game, a college junior named Chad emailed me. He had discovered the world of pickup artistry six months earlier and was already well versed in the basic concepts. However, he was still a virgin.

  He was far better looking than I was, with a stocky build, wavy black hair, and a square jaw. Yet a year later, I was having fantastic adventures that I’d never thought were possible for a guy like me. And Chad, despite working just as hard, was still a virgin. So I sat down with him one night and tried to figure out why. The reason, we eventually realized, was that we had different strategies for learning.

  Afterward, I began developing the fourteen laws of learning that follow. They apply not just to the game, but to school, work, and hobbies. They are what separate a chump who’s banging his head against the wall in frustration from a champ who’s smoothly ascending to the top of the game. Make sure you understand and can practice each principle before moving on to the next.

  1.

  Acquire and apply knowledge in small chunks. Some people are perfect preparers. They want to gather every scrap of information on a subject before taking action. And though they seem to be working hard, this is actually a form of procrastination. The best way to learn the game is to take it one step at a time. Just learn what you need to get to the next level. If you can’t approach women, just work on openers. When you master openers, then learn how to continue the conversation. Don’t worry about advanced sexual techniques. You’ll soon get there if you continue to progress by adding one piece at a time as you need it.

  2.

  There is no such thing as rejection, only feedback. A lot of people get discouraged and give up after a single setback or rejection. They tend to take rejection personally, seeing it as a comment on who they are rather than what it really is: feedback on what they’re doing. Every time you approach a group of people and something goes wrong, you’ve been presented with an opportunity to learn why they responded negatively and what you could have done to prevent that. If you possess the ability to learn from your mis
takes, then failure is literally impossible, because each rejection brings you closer to perfection.

  3.

  It’s never her fault. Who do you blame when something goes wrong during an approach? If you catch yourself saying that a situation was impossible, the guys were jerks, or the woman was just a “bitch,” then you’re wrong. It was your fault. It’s always your fault. And that’s a good thing, because it means you’re in control. So never blame any person or situation. Instead, demonstrate a willingness to examine yourself and accept criticism without taking it personally. Only then can you accurately determine whether there was something you could have done to change the outcome, or if the outcome was truly unavoidable.

  4.

  Learn actively rather than passively. Just as you can’t learn to play football by watching videos and posting in football newsgroups, the only way to learn to attract women is from real-world experience. Anyone can sit in a seminar or buy a DVD and learn the principles, but the guys who win the game are the ones who can apply them.

  5.

  Don’t rehearse negative outcomes. One of the biggest problems men have when it comes to meeting women is that they rehearse negative scenarios in their minds. Often, these become excuses not to go out and try something new. Instead, get out of the house, make a few approaches, and if any of these scenarios happens to occur in real life, then find out what to do. This isn’t skydiving: There’s little to no risk of actual harm from being unprepared.