by Neil Strauss
Another option is to create an occasion for the dinner. If a friend of yours has done anything of note—released an independent CD, published an article, started a website, had a birthday, adopted a puppy, bought a new shirt—throw a party to honor him or her. Then play the new CD, read an excerpt of the article, or proudly display the new shirt at the party.
Another pretext is to make it a holiday. Every single day on the calendar commemorates something—national sibling day, barbershop quartet day, the birth of Gary Coleman—so throw a party to celebrate.
Location
Your party can take place at any of a number of locations.
The best venue is your house or apartment, or the house or apartment of a friend. There are only a few necessary preparations you need to make: cleaning the space, providing something to eat, selecting appropriate music, and—assuming you and your guests are of legal age—having enough alcohol to last throughout the party.
If cooking isn’t your forte, a dinner party can be an excuse for you to learn. If one of the women you’ve met enjoys cooking, convince her to help out. Since your guests know you’re throwing the party to teach yourself to cook, they won’t even mind when the turkey catches fire. As long as there’s alcohol to drink.
If you don’t have the time or incentive to cook, just order out food, remove it from the to-go containers, leave it warming in the oven until the guests arrive, then serve it in regular dishes. If no one asks, you don’t need to tell them it’s from the Greek restaurant down the street.
If the gathering is fewer than ten people, provide an enclosed sitting space to facilitate conversation. Buy cheap folding chairs if you have to. If you’re less experienced in hosting, start or end the night with a group event, such as a favorite weekly television show or an interactive game like charades. Never underestimate the appeal of anything that was fun at age seven.
The second-best venue is a lounge or restaurant that has tables or couches large enough for your entire group. Make a reservation in advance and confirm it on the day of the party. It’s perfectly fine for everyone to split the bill. Though in reality it’s no different from a regular dinner out, your intent to celebrate as a group is enough to justify calling it a party.
Other locations include a park or beach for an evening picnic or barbecue; a bar or club; even a bowling alley, hotel room, or amusement park. Your only limits are your imagination and the law.
Casting
You’re not going to throw some kind of blow-out keg party, unless you really want to. Most likely, it’ll be a small dinner party for a select group—and that’s how you’re going to explain it to the woman you’re talking to. The more select and exclusive your party appears to be, the better it will turn out and the quicker word will get around town.
For example, rather than saying you’re inviting people, tell her that you’re “casting” the dinner party—picking and choosing just the right combination of interesting personalities, interests, and occupations—and she might make a good addition to the cast. After all, every party needs a wild card.
Though calling her a wild card can be a fun tease, you actually will want one at your party. So make sure you invite someone whose conversation or behavior is slightly eccentric and outgoing (but not unpleasant or extreme). It takes the pressure off you as a host, because the guests will have someone else to talk about and entertain them.
You’ll also want to invite at least one male friend who’s a good conversationalist, at least one female friend or couple, and the women you’ve met (or will meet) during the Challenge. It is crucial to make sure there’s more than one woman present at your party, so that the girl you’re interested in doesn’t feel uncomfortable or outnumbered.
If more than one woman you met during the Challenge shows up, don’t worry if they compare notes on how they met you. Just keep your frame strong: You’re a social person who enjoys going out and meeting new people, discussing whatever’s on your mind with them, and bringing them together to network. If you live in this reality, they’ll usually end up competing for you.
If she wants to bring a friend, don’t panic. Let her. If you charm her friend, you’re likely to charm her as well. Even if it’s a male friend, that’s okay. After all, you’ve invited other women, and those women can even help keep him occupied. Though you don’t want to encourage her to bring friends, if she does, it will only widen your social circle and make the next party that much better.
If you’re having the dinner party at a home, the energy can sometimes dip after the meal. One way to prevent this from happening is to invite a second shift of four to eight people for cocktails afterward. The new faces, enthusiasm, and energy will give the party the spark it needs to make it lively and memorable. (Be careful about the timing: most guests arrive roughly a half hour after the time you tell them the party starts.)
For each person you invite, make sure that you have an interesting way to introduce him or her—consider using the same kind of identity statement you made for yourself. The better you make your friends look, the better you look.
Connecting
There are several things you can do before, during, and after the party to deepen your connection with the woman you’re interested in.
If the party is at your home, have her stay and help you clean up. If the party is elsewhere, think of somewhere to go afterward.
Sometimes it can be fun to get her involved in helping out with the party, rather than just relying on your work and hospitality. To do this, give her tasks or assignments, such as bringing or cooking food.
One friend of mine makes sangria with his dates. The work is light, it involves alcohol, and it’s perfect for two people. To do this, get a bottle of Spanish wine, two limes, two lemons, two oranges, a mango, and a half cup of sugar. Pour the wine in a pitcher, let it breathe for ten minutes, then add the sugar. Squeeze the juice of a lime, lemon, and orange into the wine. Have her slice up the rest of the fruit into wedges and add it to the drink. Refrigerate it for an hour if possible, toss in a tray’s worth of ice cubes, and pour it for your guests. (This recipe serves five people, so double it if you have ten guests.)
Other activities to do together range from shopping for ingredients (the grocery store can be a fun first date) to attempting to roll your own sushi, which can get messy—and that’s a good thing.
Be careful not to dote on her too much or bend over backward to keep her entertained. And don’t get jealous if another guy at the party starts talking to your date. As the host, you’re the man of the moment; no one is a threat to you. If you have a trusted friend, let him know your identity statement, so he can share his admiration of you with your date.
The goal of the dinner party is to have a good time, build an exciting lifestyle, and bring together people who will find one another interesting. If you can accomplish this, the attraction will take care of itself.
MISSION 1: Phone Rules
The step after exchanging numbers—calling—is a source of anxiety for some men. However, the rule of phone engagement is simple: Don’t do anything wrong. She’s only just met you, and one warning signal is the only excuse she needs to decide never to see you again.
You don’t want that to happen. So your task is to read the Day 25 Briefing on phone game.
MISSION 2: Plan Your Party
If you haven’t settled on a location for your dinner party on Day 30, do so.
Write down your ideal guest list of six to ten people below. Include any women you’ve exchanged numbers with. Write each person’s name in the column on the left and his or her identity in the column on the right. Your description of each person should be terse and compelling, so that when you scan this list, the party looks like a special event.
MISSION 3: Harvest Your Seeds
Phone all the women whose numbers you’ve collected in the last few weeks. Practice the telephone techniques you learned in your briefing.
Invite each woman to the event or party you’v
e planned for Day 30. Make sure you give her a specific location and time to arrive. Emphasize that it’s going to be a small, handpicked group, so she knows her invitation is a privilege and her presence is crucial to the mix.
Compared to asking complete strangers for movie recommendations on the phone, this should be a piece of cake.
If you haven’t yet received a phone number, make five more approaches today, with the goal of party recruitment in mind. Make sure you study your cheat sheet first.
If you’ve already been on a date, don’t forget to add your name to the winner’s circle on the Stylelife forum and share the story with your fellow Challengers.
You know, I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s
like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days
is kind of money. What do you think?
—FROM THE FILM SWINGERS
So you’ve had a successful approach and exchanged numbers with a woman you really like, but now what? What if she’s forgotten you? What if you’re too nervous on the phone and blow it? What if she’s busy on the day you want to see her? What if she’s in the middle of something more important when she answers? What if a guy picks up the phone? What if she’s given you a wrong number? What if California falls into the ocean?
Don’t worry about it.
If you relax, the first phone call can be a very simple process.
How Long to Wait
How long are you supposed to wait between getting the number and calling or texting?
Some say phone the next day; others say wait three days.
They’re all wrong. There is no fixed amount of time that needs to pass.
Rather, here’s how long you can wait: as long as you possibly can.
In other words, if you meet a woman and make an amazing connection, and she begs you to call her, you can wait as long as a week. She’s not going to forget you.
However, if you meet a woman, talk for a few minutes, exchange numbers, and afterward see her talking to different guys all night, you’re going to have to call her the next day. This is because, if you didn’t make that deep a connection or impression, within forty-eight hours she’s likely to have forgotten all about you.
When it comes to call times, the general rule is: Don’t lose the momentum. Call or text her while the interaction is still fresh in her head, but not so soon and so often that she thinks you’re a stalker.
And should you text or call? In the past, the answer was call. Now, the answer is text first. The key is to make the first text without setting up a plan. The text should simply remind her why she enjoyed interacting with you, and be as brief and non-needy as possible.
If possible, refer to a private joke or conversation between the two of you—and even better, include a “dangling hook” like you learned on Day 18. For example, a reference to your opener: “Just found out the name of the fifth ocean.” Don’t give her the answer, so she texts back and asks you what it is.
You may, if you wish, engage in a couple more casual back-and-forth texts. But the goal is to get her on the phone for a brief call. You don’t have to always call her, but you should this initial time to reaffirm your connection and minimize flaking. So let her know by text that you’re going to the event you seeded, and ask her when she’s phonable so you can fill her in.
To Block or Not to Block?
Many so-called experts advise blocking your phone number when calling a woman. They also suggest that you not leave a message if she doesn’t pick up.
The idea, they explain, is that if you keep calling, eventually she’ll answer—and once you’ve trapped her, you can convince her to see you.
I don’t use or recommend this crowbar method, unless you’re a telemarketer.
The fact is: If she’s not calling you back or taking your calls, the problem is not your phone game; it’s your approach game, because you didn’t convey the qualities necessary for her to want to see you again. In fact, whenever something goes wrong at one stage in the interaction, it generally means you made a mistake in the previous stage.
So never block your calls and always leave a message. Why? Because it shows confidence. If you displayed an attractive personality, demonstrated your value, and conveyed trust when you first met her, she’s going to be excited when you call.
Your goal should be to leave every interaction with the woman worrying, “What if he doesn’t call?”
If you’ve seeded your event properly, when you do phone, she’ll know just what you’re calling about and she’ll be comfortable taking the call.
What to Say
Here’s a general structure to follow on the first phone call:
1.
Try to avoid introducing yourself by name. Instead, begin the conversation with a callback to your previous conversation. If you used the Village People opener to meet her, when she picks up, say slowly and confidently, “So I found out: There’s no fireman in the Village People.” She’ll know who it is. If you teased her by calling her a brat, when she picks up, just say, “Hey, brat.” This way, instead of reminding her that you’re a stranger (especially if she happens to have forgotten your name), you bring her back to the good time she originally had talking with you.
2.
To avoid an awkward pause, after she greets you, launch into a quick story from your life. Select an appropriate narrative you created on storytelling day, or add a new one to your repertoire. Begin by saying something like “The most amazing thing happened to me today…” Just make sure your story is short, and that the point of it isn’t to build yourself up but to make her smile, laugh, and feel comfortable.
3.
Speak in a deep, calm, comfortable voice tinged with fun and positive energy. It’s good to be upbeat, but don’t talk too fast or be too hyper. Smile on the phone, and she’ll hear it.
4.
After telling your short story, give her a chance to speak. Most of the time she’ll tell you about her day or ask a question. If she doesn’t, just move on.
5.
Make plans for later in the week. Some experts suggest saying what days you’re busy first to demonstrate, among other things, that you have a full life and are squeezing her into it. Incorporating the push-pull you learned on disqualification day, you might say something like “I’m busy Friday and Saturday, but I’m having a small dinner party on Sunday. I’m casting a group of really interesting people, and you should come. We need a troublemaker.”
6.
If you’re inviting her to an event other than your party, don’t frame the interaction as a date. Invite her to “hang out,” “tag along,” or “join” you and your friends.
7.
If she says she can make it, great. If she’s busy, let her know about one of the other events on your calendar. And only one. Unless she gushes with enthusiasm to go, tell her that she’d probably enjoy it and if a space frees up, you’ll call her and let her know.
8.
Whether or not she’s available, don’t suddenly say good-bye and hang up after inviting her out. Just as you did after exchanging phone numbers, continue the conversation for another minute or two. Add a little playful banter or share a quick, related story.
9.
End on a high note. Be the person who says good-bye first. You’re busy. You’ve got things to do.
Though this script is simple and has been used effectively by thousands of men, it’s not the only way to handle the first phone call. As you become more comfortable with the process, you may want to distinguish yourself from other men by calling first just to talk briefly and then making plans on the second call.
If you prefer to text, try to avoid it for your first interaction. On the other hand, if you fall into the trap of phone tag before having your first conversation, texting can save the day.
If She’s Too Busy Again …
If she’s vague about committing to plans or turns down multiple invitations, it’s time to examine your gam
e. At some point in the initial interaction, you probably made a mistake. Perhaps you conveyed lower social value, came across as desperate, or exchanged phone numbers too early. Maybe your sense of style (or lack thereof) didn’t fit her dating criteria. Figure out what your shortcoming was and work to improve it. In a few rare cases, if you’re doing everything right but she’s still flaky, she may have a boyfriend or be getting over one.
In general, never accept the words “too busy” as a regular excuse. If Angelina Jolie called and invited you to a dinner she’s having at her mansion with Bono, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, and George Lucas, would you be able to make it?
Of course you would. You’d break whatever plans you had, blow off work, and probably walk there on your hands if you had to.
Your goal in every interaction is to be so interesting and such a rare find that she’s never too busy for you. After all, if you met the perfect 10, wouldn’t you manage to find time for her?
So be the perfect 10.
MISSION 1: Clear Your Mind
This may be the most challenging day so far, but it will also provide the greatest benefit to your intuitive understanding of the game.
Your first task: Forget everything you’ve learned so far.
MISSION 2: Approach Unarmed
Approach three women or groups today—using no material.
Do not start the conversation by asking for an opinion. Do not use scripted disqualifiers. Do not discuss rings and Greek gods. Do not tear business cards in half.