by Neil Strauss
Improvise something—perhaps about someone around you or an item she’s wearing or whatever’s on your mind at the time—to start the conversation. Don’t be afraid of small talk; asking generic questions about work, movies, and travel; or even buying her a drink if you’re in a bar or a café. Break all the rules.
Stay in the conversation until she excuses herself, or it’s clear that she wants you to leave. It may get awkward, but hang in there.
If possible, time the interaction. Your goal is to stay in the conversation for at least ten minutes without using material.
If all goes well, feel free to invite her to your dinner party or one of your calendar events.
MISSION 3: Live the Difference
Reflect on your approaches today.
Did you notice any differences between using material and freestyling? Any differences between how you interacted before the Stylelife Challenge versus now? If so, write them in the space below.
MISSION 4: Fill-ins
Your final task today is to read the following advice on filling in the gaps:
There’s a sticking point that some Challengers hit around this point. They approach a group, open, demonstrate value, cold read—they do it all. Yet inside they feel tense and awkward, because they have no idea what to do between all these techniques. What do they say? How do they transition from piece to piece? How do they get to a point where they can exchange phone numbers?
These are, of course, irrational fears—after all, they’ve managed to have interesting conversations with people before. Overcoming material dependency, and realizing that you have plenty of things to say to fill in the gaps is one of the goals of today’s field assignment.
It can be easy to forget that it’s your personality, more than the material, that will make her want to see you again. Routines are great because they show you to be more interesting than most guys. They also serve as springboards to get you to the next stage in an interaction. But your entire conversation doesn’t need to be one big performance. You don’t want the woman to think of you as a monkey in a little hat, turning the crank on a music box for her entertainment.
So stay up-to-date on entertainment, culture, current events, and happenings around town; cultivate the ability to pay attention to the details of what other people do, say, and wear; master the art of social intelligence; get comfortable in your own skin; and, if you’re still having a problem filling in the gaps, take improv comedy courses to learn spontaneity.
If the game is self-improvement, then we’re all in it for life. So learn to play it right.
MISSION 1: Learn to Connect
Imagine if you met a woman whose favorite musician and film were exactly the same as yours; who shared your strongest beliefs and opinions; and who turned out to have grown up just a block away from you, even though you’d never met. Wouldn’t you feel like you’d met someone incredible?
This is the power of rapport. And it’s something you want to create with every woman you’re interested in. So turn to your Day 27 Briefing and read about it before moving on to the rest of today’s missions.
MISSION 2: Date Your Calendar
Print or copy a fresh Stylelife calendar page.
Fill in events—as well as selling points and reasons to go—every day until the end of the Challenge. Make sure you include your party. Then familiarize yourself with the activities, the dates you listed them on, and the reasons for going.
MISSION 3: Rapport Workout
Choose two of the three rapport exercises below to perform. It’s okay to try them with a coworker, cashier, casual acquaintance, or even in an online chat, but you’ll get more out of the exercises if you do them with a new person or group you’ve approached. If the interaction goes well, make sure you invite the woman you’re interested in to your dinner party or one of your calendar events.
Pay close attention to the other person’s reactions as you increase and decrease your level of rapport.
MAKING AND BREAKING RAPPORT
During the following exercise, observe the other person’s reaction as you instantly create rapport—and then quickly break it.
Have a conversation like the following:
YOU: Where are you from?
HER: [Whatever city].
YOU: Oh my God, no way! I grew up there too. What school did you go to?
HER: [Whatever school].
YOU: Get out of here. I went there too.
HER: Really?
YOU: No. I’ve never actually been there. [Then, in a dry monotone] Are you upset?
RAPPORT TEST
In the following exercise, break rapport and then see if the person you’re talking to will strive to re-create it.
YOU: Out of curiosity, what’s the last CD you bought or song you downloaded?
HER: [Some song by some artist].
YOU: Really? I’m surprised. I’m not the biggest fan of their music.
If she backpedals and says she doesn’t really like the artist either, this means she’s seeking rapport with you. If she tells you why she likes the music or disagrees with you, then either she isn’t seeking rapport or she’s simply confident in her taste and opinions.
PHYSICAL RAPPORT
This exercise illustrates the power of body language to affect someone else’s state.
During a conversation with someone you’re comfortable with, cross your arms and turn away from them while they’re talking. If seated, cross your legs away from them as well. Remain in that position for a minute or two.
See if the person starts to get rattled or uncomfortable—or even comments on it. Then uncross your arms, open up your body language, and turn toward him or her again. If the person is a good friend, ask if he or she noticed or felt a difference when you broke physical rapport.
Repeat this exercise one more time today with a different person.
Creating rapport is the process of developing a connection with someone based on trust, comfort, commonalities, and affinity. For many men, it’s the easiest and most natural part of the courtship process.
Rapport is the point in the interaction when she sees those little parts of you that you try to hide sometimes—your inner nerd, your goofy side, your enthusiasm for superhero comics, or musical theater, or monster truck rallies—and finds them endearing. It’s the moment when she shares her innermost thoughts, experiences, and feelings—and you understand them, perhaps better than anyone else she’s ever met. It’s when you find yourselves laughing in unison or starting to say the same thing at the same time.
In short, rapport is when two people really get to know each other and find out that, yes, they were supposed to meet. How lucky they must be.
At the same time, rapport is a castle built of Lego. It can be dismantled in an instant and put back together a few seconds later. Knowing when and how to build and break rapport will help propel an interaction through the stages necessary to create a romantic or sexual relationship.
Watch any love story. Before two lovers fully unite, they first lose rapport—maybe through a misunderstanding or a disapproving parent or a spurned rival or punishment for a mistake. They experience anguish, and then, in their sorrow, realize just how strongly they feel about the other person. Only when rapport has been regained and mutual feelings confessed do they feel complete again.
So-called nice guys make the mistake of trying only for rapport with a woman, to the exclusion of everything else that builds attraction. There’s a fine line between naturally having rapport and being seen as trying too hard to get rapport.
In addition, timing is key. If you strive for rapport too early, the relationship may fall into the friend zone. If you strive for rapport too late, she may think you’re a player who doesn’t see her as the dynamic individual she is. The best time to build rapport when meeting a woman is after hitting the hook point but before getting too physical. Now that she’s interested in you and invested in the interaction, you can even ask all the questions you were advis
ed not to when first meeting her.
To help you create the kind of rapport that magically just happens, I’ve asked Stylelife senior coach Don Diego Garcia to break it down.
And he did, into two neat categories: lead and sync.
Lead
For decades, parents trusted their children to be entertained by Fred Rogers through the TV program Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. He started each show with a mild manner and a friendly “Hi, neighbor!”
Notice that he didn’t say, “Hi, stranger!” He assumed you were his neighbor. Although you probably never lived anywhere near Fred, he made you feel as though you did. Mr. Rogers assumed a neighborly affinity and went about his show as though you were an old friend in his living room. It was a hit.
Though you don’t want to be as exaggeratedly friendly as Mr. Rogers, you do want to assume rapport with women in a similar way. To do so, simply ask yourself this question: “How would I act if this person were a lifelong friend?” Now pass that answer through a filter of social propriety, and you’ll know how to approach.
You should assume rapport from the moment she first sees or hears you. Suppose there’s someone you want to meet in the dairy section of the local supermarket. An approach that assumes formality begins with you holding out your hand and introducing yourself by name.
An approach that assumes rapport, however, begins differently: “I could understand 2 percent for people who can’t decide between whole and nonfat milk, but 1 percent? Is there really that big a difference between 2 percent and 1 percent?”
People also bond naturally with credible leaders who possess such qualities as confidence, authority, authenticity, security, self-assuredness, courtesy, and honesty. Staying grounded in these qualities will prevent you from succumbing to the risks of seeking rapport—such as supplication, losing your frame, falling into the friend zone, or becoming her therapist instead of her lover.
Sync
Carl Jung liked to talk about synchronicity as attaching meaning to events that are coincidental. I call the process of actively producing this state syncing.
Syncing is not copying or imitating everything your partner does. Syncing is a more subtle form of falling into pace with them and cultivating empathy. People in groups do it unconsciously all the time. When you sync correctly, your partner will bond with you more on an emotional, spiritual, and energetic level than on an intellectual level.
Let’s examine the ways you can get in sync with the woman you’re interested in.
VISUALLY
To sync visually with a woman, watch her posture, facial expression, breathing pace, gestures, or even blinking rate, and match them. Remain relaxed and calm as you do this. If you match her just right, she’ll start subconsciously mirroring your body language as well.
AUDITORALLY
If you notice that she uses a few specific words frequently or that certain words seem to have a special meaning to her, consider them hot-button words and mentally store them for future use. You can also match your language to her work jargon, regional expressions, and any words that define her as a member of a particular subculture.
Auditory syncing can also involve paying attention to words that suggest that the speaker has a special affinity for certain senses. For example, visual people tend to use words like focus, bright, see, and show when discussing their thoughts and desires. People who live in their feelings use words like touch, feel, aware, and sense. Audiophiles prefer descriptors like ring, sounds, and click. Listen closely to her speech patterns, pick up on which sense words she uses, and then sprinkle them into your own conversation.
You can also match other things about her way of speaking—her pitch, volume, tempo, timbre, or tonality—or even her nonverbal utterances, from groans to laughter to pauses. This may sound extreme, but it’s practically common sense that a slow talker and a fast talker, for example, will have a hard time communicating. The slow talker will have trouble following the fast talker, and the fast talker will be impatient with the slow talker. The more similarly you communicate, the more likely you’ll get along.
LOGICALLY
Sync logically by discovering particular interests, aesthetics, morals, sensibilities, or background details you have in common. This common form of building rapport involves playing the “me too” game. Me-too topics can include family experiences, travel stories, career goals, entertainment preferences, personal idiosyncrasies, and relationship criteria.
You can sync logically with light rapport topics: where she’s from, why she’s out, what her interests are. Later in the interaction, move into deep rapport, using morality conundrums, personality tests, imagination exercises, confessions of vulnerability, intimate stories, and discussions of goals and dreams.
In a nutshell, similarity leads to affinity. Affinity leads to rapport.
EMOTIONALLY
As you’re talking to the woman you’re interested in, wholeheartedly invest yourself in understanding how she thinks and feels. Master the skill of empathy to put yourself in her place. See things from her point of view. We all want to find someone in this big, alienating, often uncaring world who understands us.
US VERSUS THEM
One of the most powerful ways to build rapport is to create a conspiracy in which only you two have something in common, and no one else gets it. This can range from bonding over a peculiar idea that few others believe to role playing and telling others that you’re childhood friends or even engaged. These latter gambits are particularly powerful because the roles themselves are ones of increased rapport.
Troubleshooting
Though some of these subtle strategies may take a conscious effort at first, eventually they’ll become more automatic. The best way to master them is to practice one at a time until you understand how each works. You’ll notice, for example, that mirroring her breathing will subtly change the energy around the two of you and draw you closer together to the exclusion of everyone else in the room.
Often, the biggest barrier to creating wide and deep rapport is not the other person but you. If you’re too scared to reveal yourself or show any vulnerability, then she typically won’t feel comfortable letting down her guard with you. Rapport is a two-way street. And it doesn’t exist without trust and openness.
So if you ever find it difficult to achieve rapport, whether it’s because of your masks and walls or hers, consider letting your guard down, forgetting about all these techniques, and just relating to her with an open heart. You may be surprised.
MISSION 1: Your Internal Compass
There is one key piece of the game that most people never mention, teach, or realize exists. Even if you stop using routines and abandon the structure you’ve been taught, you will still be relying on this.
Beyond its uses in attraction, this is a skill that affects all areas of your life, whether you’re interviewing for a job or getting held up at gunpoint.
Read about it in your Day 28 Briefing before proceeding with the rest of today’s assignments.
MISSION 2: Are You a Psychic or a Psycho?
The following exercise works best with a seated group of two or more people who look easygoing.
Your assignment is to guess how they know one another. Are they related? Roommates? Friends from work or school? In a relationship? On a date? Taking a class together?
Make an educated guess. Then walk up, ask, and find out if you’re correct.
Your calibration skills will not only help you guess correctly, they’ll also help you pose the question in a way that doesn’t make the group feel like it’s part of a laboratory experiment.
For example, you can say: “You have to help me quickly settle a debate I was just having with my friend. We noticed you all talking, and he said you guys probably all work together. I guessed you were friends from college.”
If they give you a funny look—which will happen occasionally—acknowledge the oddness of the situation by saying something like, “I know, strange question, but
he’s into psychology. He does this stuff all the time. Then I have to do the dirty work.”
Make sure that you’re smiling, your approach comes from a place of healthy curiosity, they know you’re not asking in a judgmental way, and you use a time constraint.
Your mission is complete once you’ve approached three groups or made one correct guess, whichever comes first.
If the conversation goes so well that you end up joining the group for a while, take the opportunity to stock your dinner party with some new faces.
MISSION 3: Get Proof of Interest [Optional]
If Mission 2 seems too easy, or if you want to do more calibration training today, then here’s an additional goal to add to your approaches above.
Your secondary mission is to receive at least one indicator of interest from a woman in one of the groups you approach. Study the list of attraction signals in today’s briefing to familiarize yourself with these indicators.
If you don’t receive an indicator of interest in one of the three groups you approach today, then make two more approaches using your standard opener.
Your mission is complete once you’ve received one indicator of interest, or you’ve approached five women or groups altogether today.
If you do receive any indicators of interest from a woman you’ve approached, then it’s your duty to exchange numbers and invite her to your party.