Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

  YOU: You seem cool, and I can totally imagine wanting to hang out with you again. If I was one of those guys over there, I’d probably ask you out on a date. But dates are so awkward. Who wants to spend four hours sitting across the table from a stranger who you may end up not even liking?

  HER: I know. I could tell you stories.

  YOU: Hey, so instead of doing that, let’s have our first date right now. We’ll go on, say, a seven-minute date. [Check watch.] It’s 9:50 right now. How about meeting at 9:52 at, say, that table right over there.

  HER: Okay. See you there. Don’t be late, now.

  Meet her there. Time the date. Perhaps do one of the value demonstration routines from this book on the date.

  YOU: Wow, it’s 9:59 already. Time really flies with you. Thank you for a lovely evening. And don’t get any ideas, because I don’t kiss on the first date.

  Shake her hand formally. Afterward, you may either end the date:

  YOU: Listen, I think this is going too fast. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m just not ready for a serious relationship right now. I hope you’ll understand and not take it too hard.

  Or go on a second date, after which you can now kiss her good night.

  YOU: Hey, listen, I had a really great time with you tonight. We should do this again sometime. Are you free in, say, two minutes?

  THE QUADRUPLE HAND TEST

  Type of Routine: Physical Connection

  Difficulty Level: 3/10

  Success Rate: 91.7%

  Saturation: 0%

  Comments: “Whenever I used this, it got a playful interaction going and ended in a really good make-out. If the girl didn’t comply, I would turn around, grab her hand, and lightly smack it as a playful form of punishment. One girl gave me the pouty lip. Those pouty lips found my lips not long afterward.”—Drewder

  Origin: One of the biggest mistakes I used to make was simply lunging for a kiss when the time seemed right. Once I learned to escalate physical contact naturally toward kissing, I came up with the Evolution Phase Shift routine included in The Game. But eventually I became more comfortable with sexual tension, and I discovered that I could reach the same goal with fewer words and better body language.

  When you sense that she would not only be comfortable but would appreciate more intimate contact, lead her to another area to meet a friend of yours, get a drink, see something interesting, or simply “make a lap.” Remember that when making initial physical contact, never pull her toward you.

  YOU: Here, come with me.

  TEST ONE

  As you get up, walk ahead of her and bring your right hand back to take her hand. Try to leave your hand flat, so that she grasps your hand first. If for any reason, she sees your hand and either doesn’t take it or just lets her hand lay flat in yours without holding on, this generally means you haven’t calibrated correctly and she isn’t ready for physical contact yet. If she takes your hand, proceed to the next test.

  TEST TWO

  As you grasp her hand and lead her across the room, slowly release your grip but don’t otherwise change your hand position. If she continues to hold your hand, proceed with the next part of the routine.

  TEST THREE

  Once you arrive at your destination, release her hand and don’t attempt to touch her again for a few minutes. At some point, start talking to a third party—a friend, the DJ, a salesperson. If no one else is there, tell her you need to make a quick call to check a message about a party you’re supposed to go to later.

  While you’re distracted by this other person (or your phone) and talking with your head turned away from her, casually take her hand in yours. Do this with the attitude that you’re just reassuring her that you’re still conscious of her presence, and can’t wait to get away from this distraction so you two can continue talking. The less you look at her and the more your body is turned away from her, the more comfortable she’ll be with your touch. If she’s comfortable holding your hand and makes no motion to let go, then proceed with the fourth and final test.

  TEST FOUR

  As you’re talking to the third party, rub your thumb reassuringly along the outside of her hand. If she massages your hand back, then she is ready to be kissed.

  However, there is no need to kiss her right away. Continue holding hands for a minute or two, then let go. You should always be the first to break physical contact. Now that you know she’s interested and the window to physical intimacy is open, you can wait anywhere up to fifteen minutes before transitioning into your first kiss.

  STYLE’S KISS CLOSE

  Type of Routine: Physical Connection

  Difficulty Level: 5/10

  Success Rate: 81.5%

  Saturation: 3.6%

  Comments: “I tried this five times with the quadruple hand test and three times without it. The one time it didn’t work was without the hand test. I also had one girl recognize it. She mentioned that her ex had said the same thing during their first kiss. However, she still kissed me.”—Prodigy Alpha

  Origin: There’s no routine that will make a woman kiss you if she doesn’t want to already. The only point of a kissing routine is to bridge the gap into intimacy comfortably, without triggering her auto-pilot lip-deflection response. I first used this routine while doing a psychological exercise called the Cube with a dancer I had met. I still had ten minutes left in the routine, but knew that the window to kissing was about to close if I didn’t act soon. Note that, contrary to popular lore, the first kiss works best in isolation in the middle of the date rather than at the end of the night.

  As you’re in the middle of telling any story or routine, start to falter and pause as you continue looking in her eyes, like you’re being distracted.

  YOU: ... so then we just said … um … we’d have to lift it … out… Stop it.

  HER: What?

  YOU: Stop looking at me like that. You’re distracting me.

  HER: Like what?

  Take the top of her head, and gently turn it away from you.

  YOU: Okay, much better. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. So then we just said we’d… Fuck it. Come here.

  At this-point, if she’s looking at you and smiling, you can lean in and kiss her. (Avoid leaning in all the way; she should do at least a little of the work.) If you’re not sure if she’s ready to be kissed yet, instead of saying, “Fuck it. Come here,” continue with:

  YOU: God, I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now. Stop looking at me like that.

  After saying this, watch her response. If she holds eye contact or looks down shyly, you may slowly move in for a first kiss.

  If her body language closes off, or she starts to make an excuse or a condescending comment like “Aww, you’re so sweet,” then say, with a smile, before changing the subject:

  YOU: Easy, now. I need trust, comfort, and connection first. I flirt a lot, but I don’t put out. [pause] Despite what everyone else here will tell you.

  THE LAST-MINUTE-TENSION ELEVATOR

  Type of Routine: Physical Connection

  Difficulty Level: 6/10

  Success Rate: 82%

  Saturation: 0%

  Comments: “Although I was skeptical of this routine at first, when it came time to take off her bra and she said no, I agreed and went to play with my parakeets. Within five minutes, we were both back in bed. Within ten minutes, we were naked.”—BONES

  Origin: Though men tend to get anxious before approaching a girl, women tend to get more nervous when they’re about to cross the point of sexual no-return. Most guys make the mistake of rushing toward the finish line, when, ironically, slowing down and letting go of a particular physical outcome will get them there quicker. This routine is a quick distillation of the knowledge on the subject I learned in the community, in psychology books, and from experience.

  STAGE ONE: ESTABLISH TRUST

  At some point, well before she’s ready to be intimate with you, tell her something like the following:

  YOU: A lot of wome
n worry about how long to wait to sleep with someone. And whenever they ask me how many dates they should wait to have sex with someone they like, I just think, ‘You don’t understand men at all.”

  HER: What do you mean?

  YOU: I mean, some guys will wait as long as it takes to sleep with a girl. They’ll hang in there for months just to “get some.” What most women don’t understand is that before the first date is over, the guy already knows if she’s girlfriend material.

  So the real truth is, you should never sleep with a guy until he knows your value. In other words, until you know he appreciates you for something more than sex—for who you are—don’t sleep with him. But sometimes you can meet someone right away and just connect, and it’s right. Whether you sleep with him that night or a week later, he’s still going to feel the same about you. In my experience, the most passionate relationships usually begin passionately. Most normal guys don’t actually judge girls for giving it up too quickly. They’re glad to get that whole awkwardness over with so something more can develop.

  HER: Maybe. I don’t know.

  ME: Really. I had this friend who was a bit of a player. And one night, he went out, met a woman, and had sex with her in the bathroom within fifteen minutes. And now they’re married. If there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry. The other thing that’s important, though, is you want to make sure you’re with a guy who’s discreet, who doesn’t kiss and tell. You’re not one of those people who goes and tells your friends everything afterward, or, like, Twitters all about it, are you?

  HER: No.

  YOU: That’s a relief. I feel like it’s called private life for a reason. It should be private.

  STAGE TWO: BE THE FIRST TO STOP

  You never want a woman to tell you to stop or slow down. To keep this from happening, suggest the idea before she does. So if you start to sense resistance or anxiety from her, stop kissing or remove your hands from whatever they’re touching, and say something like the following:

  YOU: Whoa, we should stop. This is going way too fast.

  HER: Yeah.

  YOU: Let’s talk a little. Like, uh, have you ever ridden a horse before?

  If she tells you a story, listen to it and talk a little, then start making out again. If she seems bored by the question or story, and wants to continue making out, just say:

  YOU: Oh, fuck it. Come here.

  You can do this two or three times before proceeding to the next stages, if necessary.

  STAGE THREE: PACE HER REALITY

  If you don’t manage to raise the objection before she does, simply agree when she says that things are going too quickly. Remember, when you’re in the heat of the moment, a logical argument will only make things worse. What she’s responding to is a feeling. So slow down a little but keep the passion high, so that you’re both agreeing that you’re being “bad” while continuing to make out and turn each other on.

  HER: We should stop.

  YOU: You’re right. We totally shouldn’t be doing this right now.

  HER: Oh God, I know.

  YOU: We are so bad for making each other feel this good.

  STAGE FOUR: FREEZE OUT

  As a last resort, after using the other techniques, if she continues to stop you or pull your hand away, just give her space—more than she wants. Make sure you do this casually, without showing any sign of being upset or disappointed.

  Sometimes it’s enough just to create distance, and she’ll reinitiate contact. But there are times when a more extreme takeaway may be necessary. In this case, switch on the light, turn off the music, and then check e-mail on your laptop, watch a boring TV show, or answer your cell phone and have a fantastic conversation with someone.

  HER: Is everything okay?

  YOU: No worries. I just really respect people’s boundaries. I’ve always done things safely, maybe even to the extreme, probably because of the way I was raised. When someone says no, I assume they mean no and I just shut down. It’s the way I am, and I think it makes sense. When I make love with someone, I want it to be amazing and something we’ll be happy about the next day and will lead to better and better sex each time. And if the person I’m with doesn’t feel like this is something she totally wants to do, and can really give herself permission to let go, then it’s just not right. So it’s really no problem.

  After saying this, most often she’ll sidle up to you and reinitiate contact. If not, you can work or watch TV for a little bit, then just say, “Come here,” and continue again. Often, if you simply say, “Lift your arms” or “Take off your shirt,” she’ll be more comfortable doing so now.

  STAGE FIVE: BE EXCELLENT

  Despite all of the above, the best thing to do, besides making sure never to make her feel like a slut or like she’s being used for your gratification, is to be really good in bed. Not like a porn star—those films are made to fulfill men’s fantasies—but like a character from a romance novel, who intuitively understands both a woman’s body and her feelings. If you can teach her something new about her own body and help her feel pleasure she’s never experienced before, she will want to be with you just for the learning experience. Read books such as The Guide to Getting it On or Mantak Chia’s The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, and if you’re able to demonstrate authority over a woman’s body without ever seeming desperate or needy, she’ll be the one seducing you.

  THE DOUBLE DATE THREESOME

  Type of Routine: Physical Connection

  Difficulty Level: 6/10

  Success Rate: 100%

  Saturation: 0%

  Comments: “I had my first threesome ever thanks to this. And I’d never even been with the second girl before. When they came over, I had Nancy Friday’s book on my desk and I started talking about different fantasies. Then I left the room. When I came back in, they were making out. I got on the bed and said, ‘This isn’t fair. Come here.’ I kissed one girl, then the other girl. Ten minutes later, they were blowing me on the airbed and I was thinking, ‘I hope this bed doesn’t pop.’ It was honestly the most amazing thing ever.”—Hype

  Origin: In The Game, I wrote about using the Dual Induction Massage to initiate a threesome. But once I realized how amenable many women are to a threesome if it seems to happen comfortably and spontaneously, I found I could be slightly more overt. So I started using the general methodology below. It’s designed to bring together two women you’re sleeping with on a nonexclusive basis.

  1.

  When you’re both alone, ask Woman #1, “Have you ever kissed a girl before?”

  2.

  On a separate occasion, ask Woman #2 the same question.

  3.

  If both have either had an experience they didn’t regret with a woman or are curious about it, proceed with the rest of this routine.

  4.

  Make sure you never bring up the subject of wanting a threesome with either woman at any time. After asking the question above, avoid mentioning it again.

  5.

  Make plans with both women for the same night. Tell each separately, “Let’s meet at my house, then maybe we’ll join some friends for a drink later.” If one of the women has a stronger relationship with you or is a little possessive, invite her over half an hour earlier than the other woman. Don’t mention to either that anyone else will be at the house. They should assume they’re coming over to sleep with you one-on-one.

  6.

  Call each woman as she is en route to your house. Tell her, “I’m inviting a little plaything over here for us. I think you’ll enjoy her.”

  7.

  Chances are that the woman won’t say yes. But she most likely won’t say no either. Rather than waiting for a yes answer, as soon as the idea has registered with her and she seems to have assented nonexplicitly (often by saying something cute and noncommittal), change the subject and talk about something else. Here’s an example of one such dialogue with a more skeptical woman:

  YOU: I’ve invited a little plaything over for us toni
ght.

  HER: What do you mean? A toy or a person?

  YOU: A person. Her name’s [name].

  HER: [long pause]

  YOU: Remember, we keep talking about wanting to do something new and adventurous, but we never end up doing it. So I thought it was time we did.

  HER: A friend of mine told me that bringing a third person in can really ruin a relationship.

  YOU: Well, there’s no obligation to do anything with this other person. It doesn’t really matter what happens. We can all hang out and, if it doesn’t seem right, we don’t need to do anything with her. It’s only if we’re both comfortable and it seems right. Otherwise, we can just have her leave.

  HER: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with another woman in bed with us.

  ME: That makes sense, because how these things go all depends on how the guy behaves. If he makes it all about him, no one has fun. It’s lame and uncool. But if he makes it about the girl’s pleasure and her experience, then it can be a great, comfortable thing.