Before the Rains

by Dinah Jefferies

  She glanced around to see if she could spot Jay anywhere, but all she saw was a great burst of birds rising into the sky above the tent. For Eliza it was a moment of crushing disappointment. Perhaps he was still to arrive, she thought, as the driver helped her out and then carried her case in the direction of the tent. ‘Wait,’ she called out. ‘I’ll take it inside.’

  ‘Your room is on the right,’ the man said.

  She was surprised. She had no idea tents could accommodate more than one room, but this was so large. The tent’s flap had been pinned back and she parted the light muslin curtains at the entrance and found herself in a small vestibule. Fancy that, she thought, a tent with a hall! Then she drew aside a heavier curtain on the right and entered the room that was to be hers.

  The whole of the interior was curtained in swathes of ruby-coloured silk, all gathered together at the top of the tent, rather like an old-fashioned circus tent might have been. But it was the bed that caught her eye. The frame was painted in gold and the bedspread and cushions were silver. Rose petals had been strewn over the bed and surrounding floor, which was carpeted in the most beautiful woven kilims she had ever seen. There was even a chaise longue, an armchair, a small table and a dressing table in there too.

  She sat on the bed feeling amazed, but also a little bewildered. The room was fragranced, and as she sniffed the air she realized that there were oil burners in two corners and that it was rose and some kind of sweet orange she could smell. The whole thing was almost unbelievable. She thought of the simple picnic she had enjoyed with her mother and wished Anna could have witnessed this. And yet, as she continued to sit on the edge of the bed, she shivered with unease. Why had Jay brought her here? Maybe the note hadn’t even been from him?

  She heard a slight rustle and looked up. An unsmiling Jay stood silently just inside her room. An image of his hands moving fluidly over her body flashed in her mind and she felt a stirring within her. But he seemed as remote as the sun in an English midwinter and she blinked to stem the tears. What was he thinking? Why didn’t he speak?

  ‘So, you have recovered from the explosion?’ she said, rather nervously.

  He raised his brows.

  ‘I mean, I heard you were well. Was it a bomb?’

  Now he frowned. ‘So we are to speak of bombs, are we? Maybe we might next move on to the weather?’

  She twisted her mouth, unable to comprehend the meaning of his light sarcasm, then swallowed hard and met his gaze. There had been a time when she would have laid down her life for a glimpse of those black-lashed amber eyes; now it was all she could do not to shrink back.

  ‘Eliza, why did you stay away? I had to hear where you were from my sister-in-law.’

  ‘Priya told you?’

  ‘She never misses a chance to assert her superiority, or to show she has access to private information. But Eliza, I tried to contact you.’

  ‘I am sorry.’

  ‘Never mind sorry. Tell me why.’

  She sighed deeply and wished she could tell him about her deal with Clifford. Longed to say I did it because I love you. I did it for you.

  It was still far too hot and she wiped the sweat from her brow. ‘I am marrying Clifford in October,’ she said, but she couldn’t bear to look at Jay as she spoke.

  He took a few steps towards her and she smelt the sandalwood on his skin. It was unbearably evocative, but when he answered it was with an edge of anger. ‘Is that all I meant to you, all we meant to one another? Damn it, Eliza, how could you?’

  Eliza hated to waste these precious moments with him, yet, remaining silent and in torment, she became aware she was doing exactly that.

  ‘Very well,’ he said. ‘I will be back tomorrow and when I am back I will arrange for your return to your fiancé.’

  He almost hurled the words at her.

  ‘In the meantime there is a handmaiden to help you.’ And with that he left.

  Eliza lay back on the bed and realized that the roof of the tent right above her bed was patterned with silver stars. She rolled on to her tummy and allowed the tears to fall. What was the matter with her? She had come this far because she loved him and now all she had done was turn him away. But the truth was that unless she actually broke off her engagement to Clifford she was not a free woman and, though not one to be bound by convention, she could not be so reckless or unfeeling. But what if Jay had gone for good? The idea of that brought on fresh tears.

  She tried to tell herself she was fortunate to have known him; he had been in her life, however briefly, and she would find a way to treasure that by keeping the memory of him locked safely away. So what if they could never be together – she had known love and many had not; and yet when she thought about it, how well had she known him? How much was really him and how much was who she thought he was? Maybe it didn’t matter. For, as long as she could recall his deep smoky voice, she would always have some part of him. He was the only man she had loved, apart from her father, and she could still feel her love for David Fraser no matter what he had done. She would never forget Jay’s wild imperfect love, nor her galloping heart when he was near. She would never speak of it, never defend herself, and she’d learn how to live without him.

  When the handmaiden came in, Eliza saw at once that it was Kiri.

  ‘Madam.’ The woman gave the usual palms-together greeting.

  ‘Kiri, I am so happy to see you,’ she said and stifled her distress.

  Kiri came across and knelt on the floor beside the bed. ‘Give me your hands, memsahib.’

  ‘Oh, please don’t call me that.’

  ‘What should I say?’

  ‘Eliza?’

  The woman gave her a wry smile. ‘I cannot. Will madam do?’

  Eliza smiled despite herself. ‘That will do nicely.’

  ‘Let me bathe you and wash your hair. It will make you feel better.’

  ‘Where?’

  Kiri rose and pointed to one of the lengths of curtain that enveloped the room. ‘We are having a bathroom. Come.’ Eliza followed Kiri into a spacious bathroom with a polished metal tub, an earthen toilet and a carpeted floor. On a small table a heap of fluffy cushions lay ready, along with some towels.

  ‘We will make you beautiful.’

  ‘I am not sure that will help me now, but I’m feeling exhausted and maybe a bath will help.’

  ‘Madam, it has been terrible at the castle since you are gone. He has been, how do you say, a bear with two heads.’

  Sensitive to her own embarrassment, Eliza nevertheless asked, ‘What do you think he feels for me?’

  The woman laughed. ‘You don’t know?’

  Eliza shook her head.

  ‘If anyone mentions your name he leaves the room. If his mother speaks of a marriage to a distant Princess he roars at her. You only have to look at his face, madam. You see it there.’

  As Kiri tenderly soaped and then oiled her skin, Eliza closed her eyes. And then, after her hair was cleansed of desert dust, Kiri went to the bathroom and came back with a beautiful blue-green silk robe that matched Eliza’s eyes, and a pair of embroidered slippers.

  She then indicated a spot on the opposite side of the bedroom.

  ‘I am to go through there, Kiri?’

  ‘Yes, madam, I cannot follow.’ She lowered her eyes.

  Eliza took a step forward. She should have expected it, but it was only then that she realized Jay had not gone away and that he would be waiting for her on the other side of the curtain. She paused and glanced back at Kiri again, but the woman did not look up.

  Eliza drew the curtain aside and, treading softly, went through. As she took in his side of the tent – the deep midnight blue embroidered with threads of copper – she didn’t see Jay. The floor had been carpeted in blue but paler than the silk of the tent and, as she looked down, she saw his feet. He’d been standing just the other side of a tall wardrobe of some kind, its dark velvet curtains restricting her view. But as her eyes adjusted to the gloom – only c
andles and oil lamps lit the room – she saw him step forward.

  ‘It’s dusk now,’ he said. ‘I can turn up the lamps if you like.’

  She shook her head. ‘I can see.’

  There was a prolonged silence as they stared at each other. Then he came across and she allowed him to lead her to a bed heaped with cushions.

  ‘We’ll just sit together. Is that all right?’ he asked in a deeply choked voice.

  It was a low bed and as they both adjusted their cushions neither spoke. Despite his dignity she could sense a gentle sadness in him that only served to amplify her own.

  Once they were in a semi-supine position he reached for her hand.

  ‘You didn’t go?’ she said.

  Silence.

  ‘Jay?’

  He sighed deeply and then turned to her. ‘Look at me, Eliza.’

  She shifted her position so that she could turn her head and look at him full on. The grief in his eyes almost floored her, and feeling her tears welling she held on to herself.

  Then as they gazed at each other, he smiled. ‘Tell me the truth, sweetheart. For pity’s sake, why?’

  ‘Clifford?’

  He nodded wordlessly, but it was the intensity of his eyes that loosened her tongue. She realized she was incapable of lying to Jay and that, now she was with him, she was dropping back into a place where she could be more truly herself.

  ‘He promised to release you from prison with complete immunity from future charges.’

  ‘If you consented to marry him?’

  She nodded. ‘In his defence, it really was your mother’s idea. Please don’t be angry with her,’ she added when she saw his jaw stiffen. ‘She suggested it to protect you, Jay.’

  ‘Very well. If that’s what you believe happened, let’s talk about something else. I have seen Devdan. He admitted Chatur approached him to ask for his help in framing me over the incendiary pamphlets.’

  ‘Why would Dev agree to that?’

  ‘There were reasons.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Eliza, I really can’t say.’

  She shrugged. ‘And you don’t feel betrayed?’

  ‘I think Dev was placed in a difficult position.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Although there was also an inducement he couldn’t resist. Chatur promised him a typewriter and a licence.’

  ‘Oh God!’

  ‘Chatur was actually behind it all. He had been wanting to get me out of the way for months, so he manipulated Dev.’

  Eliza felt sick. ‘I knew Chatur was cunning. But what about Dev?’

  ‘I don’t know. Truly. Up until now he’s been a good friend. We have talked.’

  ‘How can you be so blind? He’s capable of anything.’

  ‘It’s his father who was like that, not Dev.’

  ‘What did his father do?’

  Jay shook his head. ‘All I can tell you is that, whatever Dev’s father did, it wasn’t good.’

  ‘So what will happen to Chatur?’

  ‘Anish is exploring his options.’

  ‘That’s all?’ she asked incredulously.

  ‘For the time being. Now I want you to rest, eat and sleep and hopefully clear your head.’

  But there was something else pressing on her mind.

  ‘You know we can’t sleep together while I am still engaged?’

  He put a finger to his lips. ‘Don’t talk. Let’s just lie here until it’s time to eat.’

  For two days the heat was devastating, and during that time they talked until it was even too hot for that, and then they lay side by side, indolent but not touching, Jay on his back with his hands clasped behind his head and her curled up nearby. The hours blurred together, filled with formless feelings for which there were no words.

  ‘What is this?’ she said, when they had been silent for some time.

  He looked at her for a while. ‘It’s you and me. Need it be more?’

  ‘It’s so different. I don’t know.’

  ‘Do we have to call it anything?’

  ‘I don’t know that either.’

  And then Jay told her the water project was almost finished and he had left it in the hands of a very regretful Dev. Eliza worried about Dev’s apparent reformation, but when she questioned Jay he assured her that Dev would do nothing to harm the project. He also told her that the Delhi explosion she had witnessed had been caused by an old oil lamp left burning. It had set fire to badly stored chemicals, so there hadn’t been a terrorist attack after all. Eliza was glad. It really would be too much to have witnessed two bombs, both in Delhi, the latter a shocking echo of the first.

  They slept separately, each in their own section of the tent, but on the second night when she heard him moving around it was agony not to go through to him. In the hot stillness of the night she stiffened her resolve, and put up with excruciating longing. In the middle of the night she went out to look at the stars and saw the fire still lit and shining like a beacon in the darkness of the desert. She knew it was to keep wild animals at bay, and felt the crunch of earth beneath her feet as she quickly went back inside.

  On the third morning she was sitting cross-legged by the fire, feeling deprived of sleep and waiting for coffee, when he came out, still in his robe. His skin glowed from the light of the fire and his hair was still wet from his bath, but she could see the fatigue in the dark shadows beneath his eyes. He hasn’t been sleeping either, she thought.

  As he squatted beside her the top of his robe fell open and she almost, but not quite, reached out to touch his chest. She wanted to feel his heartbeat connecting with hers and feel again the way his breath seemed to be hers and hers his, as it had once been before … Instead she asked him how much of her equipment had been damaged by the fire at the castle.

  He looked puzzled.

  ‘Chatur told me a fire had destroyed my darkroom and my bedroom.’

  ‘I have heard nothing about a fire. I would have been told.’

  ‘So he duped me,’ Eliza said.

  ‘Sounds like Chatur.’

  ‘Well,’ she said, feeling her heart falter, but then, with her feelings under control, she carried on speaking. ‘I have decided to write to Clifford.’

  Neither of them had mentioned her engagement since she’d told Jay the truth, but it had been there all the time; a dark shadow they couldn’t fully ignore.

  ‘And?’ he said, and she saw his eyes light up with hope. He’s vulnerable too, she thought, despite all that strength and masculinity.

  ‘The engagement. I’m going to break it off. Is there a rider who could deliver the letter?’

  ‘I have just the man. He will go today.’

  Eliza couldn’t resist Jay’s happy response and smiled at him. ‘So leave me alone for an hour and it will be done.’

  Once he’d gone she began to write and an extraordinary sense of hope filled her heart. The monsoon was nearing; she could feel it in the air and in her blood. Thank God. She didn’t think she could bear the heat much longer and the rains would be such a blessed relief.

  He came into the tent after the allotted time, but now with another man.

  ‘Ready?’

  She gave him a slight nod. ‘Here it is.’

  ‘This man will take it,’ Jay said. ‘And he’ll let your friend Dottie know that you are safe.’

  She smiled broadly as he took her hand.

  ‘Now we must hurry. They need to pack up the camp before the rains and we – my lovely Englishwoman – we are headed for Udaipore.’

  33

  Udaipore

  The leaden heat had been relentless but now, on their way to Udaipore, it was clear rain was imminent and the advancing storm was gathering momentum. The sky had darkened and, for the first time since she had come to India, back in November, Eliza saw the heavens become suddenly wild with movement as a mass of dark clouds swirled and billowed. It was exciting. New. Different. She wished she had her camera to catch the sight of dark, strangely lit clouds sliding ov
er the distant Aravalli hills. And, at the first sign of a violent crash of thunder, Eliza felt her blood electrify as she rode behind Jay on his motorbike in the direction of the rains.

  ‘What if it pours before we get there?’ she shouted.

  ‘We get wet!’

  She laughed and, delirious with the joy of being close to him again, breathed his scent of sandalwood and limes. So much had happened before the rains, and here was another new chapter about to open up ahead of her just as the sky was about to open up too.

  As they neared Udaipore, Eliza’s level of expectation rose even further. She had longed to see the romantic city of lakes surrounded by the Aravalli hills stretching in multiple directions and now she would. Breaths of hot wind ruffled the grasses and, though dying to clap her hands and leap like a child, she had to hold tight to Jay. Eventually they reached a fortress appearing to rise out of the hilltop, as these places so often did. Jay pulled up, climbed down, and then helped her off. As she steadied herself she gazed at the archways, turrets and domes of the fort.

  ‘This is the only place to really see the monsoon,’ Jay said.

  She looked down and could hardly contain her amazement when she saw a palace appearing to float on the mirror-like lake, the romance of its location utterly enchanting.

  ‘Have you actually been inside the lake palace?’ she asked, as if it might be an impossible thing that anyone might go there, that in fact it was real and solid.

  He raised his brows as if to say, Of course, what else would you expect?

  After gazing at the breath-taking panoramic view of the city and its surroundings, their small bags were taken inside and he escorted her to a covered pavilion with huge arches and columns, behind which the fort’s palace lay.

  ‘We will watch from here,’ he said, as the first drops of rain began to fall.

  ‘This is the start?’ Eliza asked, and held out her hands to catch the first drops.

  ‘It may be.’

  The billowing clouds had now turned the most extraordinary shade of purple, and then, all at once, lightning filled the entire sky. It made her jolt and she held out a hand to him.

  ‘Wonderful, isn’t it?’ he said.