Before the Cherry Trees

by H. D'Agostino

  Evening brought with it anger. I was mad at the world at this point. I’d spent the entire day upset. I’d tried to be normal, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go on like nothing was wrong. I’d tried and failed.

  When Trevor came in whistling after telling our last guest goodbye, I unleashed on him.

  AS THE SUN began set, the last of our guests left. My brothers being among the final four. Taylor and Morgan had said their goodbyes, and now I was making promises to get together with Ty once things calmed down around here. He’d said something funny, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to laugh. I can’t tell you the last time I did. It’s been days, that much I know. I didn’t even think about it really as I turned to go back in the house. When I stepped into the kitchen half chuckling half whistling, Sharron was at the sink washing dishes. Her back stiffened when she heard me, but she didn’t stop what she was doing.

  “Did you have a good day?” her voice sounded of saccharin and I knew what it meant…she was pissed. I didn’t know right then that it would be me she was upset with, but something had been festering in her for a while it seemed.

  “It was ok, I guess,” I stumbled to a stop and just watched her.

  “That’s good,” she nodded as she scrubbed the dish she was washing for the third time.

  “Are you ok?” I took a few steps forward and came to an abrupt halt when she chuckled under her breath.

  “Am I ok,” she repeated the words. “Am I ok!?” she paused before she released the dish, turned to face me, and fisted her soapy hands at her sides. “I’m fucking peachy keen!” she growled. I just stared as I watched her get more upset by the second. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve this wrath at the moment, and I was afraid I’d upset her more if I said anything so I just stood there staring. She stalked over to me and froze mere inches from me before shaking her head. “My baby died and I just hosted a party! I had people asking me all day how I was,” she started to pace and would stop every few steps to growl. “I smiled. I hugged. I did everything I was supposed to do. I looked perfect on the outside while I was breaking on the inside. I didn’t cry in front of people once!” she glared at me. “All I want to do is cry all the time,” the tears came at this point, angry ones and she huffed as she wiped at them. “You were out there laughing!” she jabbed her finger in the air. “You were laughing and our baby died!”

  I stumbled back a few steps as her words hit me right across my face. Did she not think I was hurting too? “That’s not fair,” I volleyed back. “I told you this party was a bad idea but you wanted to do it anyway. I told you we needed time to heal. I was trying to be a good host. That was my brother out there!” I pointed to the door I’d come from. “I lost this baby too! I hurt too! You think you’re the only one that’s suffering here? You think I don’t feel broken too?” I pressed my lips together as her mouth dropped open. I’d cut her with the words I’d said, but she needed to hear them. My brothers have been telling me since it all happened that I needed to tell her how I felt. She’s been going through all this like it only affected her. She hasn’t once asked me how I felt, if I was ok. This whole thing should be something that we heal from together, but she doesn’t want that. She wants to hide away and go at it alone.

  “I’m sorry,” I reached out as I stepped forward. The look of pain was clearly displayed on her face.

  She shook her head at me. “No,” she backed up.

  “Shar,” I sighed and attempted to get close enough to pull her into my arms.

  “I can’t…” she turned and ran towards our bedroom. She ran away from me as fast as she could.

  “Shar!” I called out as I rushed after her. “We need to talk about this.” The bedroom door slammed right before I reached it, and when my hand wrapped around the knob I heard the lock click.

  “I need you to leave me alone right now, please,” she begged quietly from the other side of the wood.

  “We need to talk about this,” I let my forehead rest against the door.

  “I can’t talk to you right now,” she murmured, and then the light that had been shining under the door went out.

  “This is all my fault,” a voice startled me, causing me to look down the hall and see the last person that needed to hear any of this…my son.

  “HEY, DAD?” MIKEY folded his hand on the table. I’d brought the boys to the diner for breakfast the next morning. I’d ended up sleeping on the couch again last night, and when they saw me there this morning, I suggested we let their mother sleep and go out. Mikey seemed ok with it, but Ken was skeptical. I know he knows more than he lets on. No seventeen-year-old is that blind to what’s going on around them.

  “Yeah, Son,” I folded the menu and placed it to the side. I came here all the time on my lunch break. I already knew what I wanted, but I was trying to avoid talking about why I was on the couch last night. I knew they’d ask, and I really didn’t have an answer that I wanted to share.

  “Is Mom ok?” his brow furrowed as he used his index finger to trace the design on the table top.

  “Of course,” I shrugged. “She’s just tired.”

  “She’s tired a lot,” he mumbled before turning to stare out the window. It had been snowing softly and I knew that I’d probably get called out to an accident at some point today. “And sad,” he sighed.

  “What do you expect,” Ken rolled his eyes. “She wanted that baby. Now it’s gone,” he shrugged, “she misses it.”

  “More than us,” Mikey muttered.

  “What?” I perked up at that.

  “Mom doesn’t do anything but sleep and cry all the time. She thinks we can’t hear, but she does… she goes in her room and closes the door,” Ken twisted a straw paper between his fingers.

  “She’s just sad,” I reached out and placed my hand over my son’s, stopping him from fidgeting so he’d look at me. “Your mom loves you. She’s never not loved you. Nothing could ever happen to her to make her stop. Give her time, ok,” I offered a half smile.

  “Baseball tryouts are next week. Coach says he wants me to be first in the rotation this year,” Ken mumbled as he stared off into space. “Guess that’s something,” he went back to tearing the paper before looking at me. “Do you think Mom will be better in time for the first game?”

  “Yes,” I nodded. “I’ll make sure of it.” Sharron had been grieving for four weeks now. I completely understood that everyone had their own pace, but things needed to change. I’ve let her push me away for weeks. I’ve spent more time on the couch than in bed. We haven’t made love since before we lost the baby, and now my kids that are here are suffering. “Mom will be back to her old self really soon,” I forced a smile before waving Caroline, our waitress, over so we could order.

  AFTER BREAKFAST, THE boys asked if they could go over to Taylor’s to play with CJ. I knew they were just not wanting to go home, and I couldn’t blame them. Sharron was not herself. She needed some help, but she wouldn’t admit it. I told them yes, and then I set my resolve to go deal with my wife. She needed to hear me, and I wasn’t sure I’d feel any better when I was done.

  “Shar?” I called as stepped inside and brushed the snow off my shoulders. The house was still dark, just as we’d left it. “Shar?” I tried again, hoping she’d answer. When I got no response, I began unlayering my clothes as I wandered toward the bedroom. “Shar?” this time I was quieter as I pushed open the door. It wasn’t locked this time, so I felt that was a little better, but she was in her normal position. Lying on her side facing the windows, she stared at the wall. Her face was expressionless as she ignored me.

  “We can’t keep doing this,” I sighed as I rounded the end of the bed and lowered myself into the armchair by the window. I could see her face, and if she wanted to she could see mine. “The boys are starting to notice,” I leaned forward and placed my elbows on my knees as I raked my hands through my hair. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to say to get any kind of reaction. She looked empty, and I was right o
n the cusp of breaking. I hadn’t really had time to break down over the whole situation. After Ken’s party, she’d given up on trying to get back to normal. She started staying in bed all day, or crying. I’ve begged her to go talk to someone, but she won’t. I’ve been working extra hours just to avoid being here, but now I can’t anymore. The look on my son’s face today when he asked me if Mom was ever going to get better just about broke me.

  “Go away Trev,” she muttered. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Too bad,” I lifted my head from where it had been hanging.

  “I don’t feel like talking, and least of all to you,” she rolled over and put her back to me as she pulled the covers up.

  “Fine, Don’t talk, just listen,” I took a few deep breaths and blew them out my nose. “I love you. I know you’re hurting, but you have to move on. This entire family is suffering right now. Our kids,” I rocked forward and stood, “are suffering.” I sat down on the edge of the bed and tugged at her shoulders. “I can’t keep pretending like everything is fine. We don’t talk anymore. Hell, you won’t even let me in the bed with you,” I flung my arms out to the side.

  Fire. I saw it brewing as her eyes flashed wide. “Sex! Is this about sex?” She flung back the covers as she scrambled to sit up. “Fine!” her arms swept wide as she glared at me. “You want it. Here. Take it!” she started yanking at her shirt.

  “This isn’t about sex, and you know it,” I reached out and stilled her hands as she was reaching to pull her shirt over her head. “It’s never been about sex.” I took a few deep breaths as I begged her to look at me. “It’s about you and me. I miss you. I miss us.”

  “There is no us,” she muttered as she tugged out of my grip.

  “What are you talking about?” I felt like I’d been slapped. Sharron and I have been together since we were little. We grew up together, and when we were teens we had all our firsts together. She was the first girl I ever kissed. We lost our virginity to each other. She’s the first woman I ever loved.

  “You heard me,” she muttered as she climbed from the bed. I stood there stupefied as she shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door.

  “Sharron,” I started to come after her, and then I heard the telltale click of the lock.

  “Go away, Trev. I don’t want you here,” her voice had gone back to the monotone sound I’d heard before.

  “I’m not leaving this time,” I pounded on the door. “Open this door and talk to me!”

  “No,” she shouted. “Go away, Trev!”

  “Not happening.” I’d seen this before. Years ago, we got in a huge fight. Ken had broken his arm, and Sharron blamed me for it. I was supposed to be watching him. I felt bad enough that it happened on my watch, but she shut me out for days. “I’m staying right here, Shar. You can talk to me through the door, or face to face, but we’re talking. I’ll take the door down if I need to.” I’d done this before too. Mikey locked himself in once, and I had to take the door off the hinges.

  It took a few minutes, but the door opened slowly and the tearstained face of Sharron glared back at me. “I want you to move out. Having you here hurts. It makes me think of her. I can’t look at you and not see her.”

  My head snapped back. “I’m not moving anywhere. That’s not going to fix us.”

  “I need time away from you. I need you to go somewhere, anywhere. I just need time,” her chin dropped and a single tear that had been hanging on to her lower lashes splashed on the toe of my shoe. “Please,” she sobbed. “Please go.”

  “Shar,” I gasped.

  “I need you to go,” she sobbed harder. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought when she started pushing me away weeks ago, that she would go this far. I loved her, couldn’t she see that. I loved her more than anything and I was hurting too. “If you want to fix this, you’ll give me the space I’m asking for. You’ll stay with your brother, or a get different place. I don’t care, just leave,” she stepped back, closed the door, and the lock clicked back in place, separating me from my entire world.

  It took me forever to decide what to do. I went into the living room hoping that she’d come out and tell me she didn’t mean it, but she never did. I stared at the empty fireplace until it was dark. I willed her to come out, but it never happened.

  Finally, I grabbed a bag out of the closet in our room. I stuffed a few changes of clothes in it before grabbing my toiletries from the guest bath. How sad was it that I wasn’t even staying in the master bedroom of my own house? I took one last look at the locked bathroom door before I did the one thing I said I’d never do…walk away.

  I promised Sharron on our wedding day that I would always be there for her. For better or worse. We both said that. We promised we’d get through anything. Apparently, that didn’t include the loss of a child. I jogged out to my car, tossed the bag in the back, and drove to the only place I could think of at the moment… my brother’s house. How the hell was I going to explain to my sons that I wasn’t going home with them tonight? How would they ever understand? And how was I going to get through to my wife? I loved her, I truly did, and if leaving was the only way to make her see that, then I’d do that too.

  TWO WEEKS HAD passed since I’d seen her last. I’d run into Sharron at the local grocery store. She’d looked like she hadn’t been sleeping well. Her eyes were tired, and she was the thinnest I’d ever seen her. Ken had told me that she was doing a little better. The crying had stopped, and she was going through her day like she used to. The light was gone though. She was a shell of her former self, and it still baffled me that we were here.

  “Hey, Dad,” I looked up from my desk to see Ken leaning in the doorway. He was dressed in practice clothes, so I assumed he’d just come from baseball. “Can we talk a minute?”

  “Sure,” I shuffled the papers I was reading and leaned back in my chair as I motioned for the one across from me. “What’s up?” It hurt, but I’d worked really hard to get back to normal. I’d tried for months to get through to Sharron, but I couldn’t afford to not move on for my sons.

  “This came last week,” he placed a large envelope in front of me. “They need an answer by next month. I don’t know what to do.”

  I flipped the envelope around to read it, and a huge smile broke out across my face. “University of Florida?” I grinned in pride as I stared at my oldest. He looked so young and unsure of himself.

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “Full ride.”

  “Ken,” I gasped. “That’s amazing.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” he grinned back at me and at the moment I saw a little of myself. I’d had dreams like his when I was his age, but I couldn’t follow them. When I was a few months older than he is, Sharron and I found out we were pregnant. It changed everything for us. “I don’t know what to tell them,” he sighed as he looked away, breaking our eye contact.

  “This is your number one pick. You tell them ‘yes’,” I laughed.

  “But what about Mom,” a guilty look spread across his face.

  “This is your future we’re talking about here, Kenneth. You let me worry about your mother,” I growled as I shook my head. My son was not going to turn this down because of something that Sharron and I were going through.

  “Dad,” he shook his head as he leaned back. “You haven’t been home. You don’t know what it’s like. Mikey… he can’t do this without me.”

  Anger bubbled up inside me as the pain I’d been fighting against reared its ugly head. I’d been pushing the guilt down since the day I walked out. I’ve been promising myself that I would fix us. I’d get Sharron back, and we’d all be a happy family again. It seemed like a fantasy on some days, but watching the torment my son was going through lit the fire to fix this once again. “I’ll take care of your mother and Mikey. You need to tell them yes. You’re not giving up your future. You have the world right in your grasp, Ken.”

  “I know,” he sighed. “Coach says I’d be crazy to turn them down.” It hurt
that he’d been talking to his coach before me about this.

  “How come you waited so long to talk to me?” I watched as he fought to hold himself together. The man in front of me was very much still a little boy on the inside.

  “You’ve got a lot going on, and with Mom… I just thought I’d tell them no. I had it all planned out, but Coach said you’d be upset if I didn’t at least discuss it with you.”

  “Coach is right. I know you think that what’s going is something that you can control, but it’s not. Your mother and my problems aren’t something for you to worry about. Your future is on the line here. Tell them yes,” I pointed at the paper.

  “Dad,” he blew out a breath.

  “I mean it, Ken. Tell them yes. I’ll fix this. I promise,” I folded my arms across my desk as I stared him down. He nodded slowly before standing up.

  “I gotta meet Beth to study. Mikey’s staying at Uncle Taylor’s again tonight,” he waved as he left.

  It took me a few minutes to get myself under control, but once I did I grabbed my phone and called my wife. It rang through to voicemail like it had been doing for the last six months. Sharron had stopped taking my calls, and I wondered if she even listened to my voicemails. “Hey. We need to talk about us. Please call me back. I love you.” I sighed before disconnecting the call. It took a few minutes, but my phone vibrated with an incoming text.

  Sharron: I don’t want to talk. Please stop calling me. There is no us.

  I stared at the screen willing the words to change, and wondering how the hell we got here. This was the woman who defied her parents to spend time with me when we were teens. This is the woman who swore she loved me more than life itself. This was the mother of my children. What happened and why did she not want to fix this?