by Lisa Hall
‘It’s OK.’
‘I haven’t done anything… I mean, I haven’t even been on a date with anyone since Caro died, let alone kissed anyone. I’m so sorry, I’ve had too much wine. I completely understand if you think this was a huge mistake, and you want to leave. Not that I want you to leave…’ He’s rambling, but he’s quite sure that he doesn’t want her to go yet.
‘Rupert, I said it’s OK.’ Emily puts her hand on his shoulder, turning him to face her. ‘Honestly, I’m not at all offended.’ She gives him a shaky smile, before drinking the last of her wine. She reaches for the new bottle, shifting around so that her thigh lies against his. ‘I think we need more wine, don’t you?’ He smiles at her, waiting as she tops him up and as her fingers linger on his as she passes him the glass, Rupert thanks his lucky stars he left work on time this evening.
Chapter Six
‘Don’t go.’ His voice is quiet, barely a whisper, and I have to strain to hear him. ‘Stay the night.’
I smile in the darkness, before rolling over to face him. In the six weeks since he asked me to stay for dinner, we have spent every evening together, talking, laughing, and having some of the best sex I’ve ever had. But each evening, I slip away, riding my pushbike back to the flat by the light of the streetlamps, sneaking my way in so as not to wake Mags. ‘Really? You want me to stay?’
‘Don’t you want to?’
Rupert’s voice is husky, and he reaches out to lazily roll my nipple between his finger and thumb, a sharp pang of desire slicing through me. I let out a gasp, and nip at his wrist. ‘Of course I want to stay.’ I don’t ever want to leave, if the truth be known. Rupert rolls on top of me, and then for a little while I stop thinking about going home, or staying, or anything else except him.
Later, as he snores softly, his hair ruffled and the sheets tangled around his waist, I doze next to him, my limbs feeling heavy and contentment flooding my veins. Everything is so different with Rupert than it was with Harry. I picture the last time I laid in Harry’s bed, waiting for him to come home. The way his face had twisted with anger and hate as he staggered into the bedroom, the sour, sickening smell of old whisky on his breath as he’d crouched over me, tugging away the duvet and dragging my naked body to the floor. Shaking the image away, I tug the sheets over me and burrow down, the scent of sex and Rupert’s aftershave emanating from the bed.
Finally, I feel as though I have found what I have been looking for my whole life, the elusive thing that my mother assured me was out there as she chased after it herself. I sigh, snuggling against Rupert, when something – a noise outside – jolts me from sleep, my heart racing. For a moment I am confused, thinking I’m at home, and I slide naked from the bed ready to guide Mags back to bed, before I remember where I am. Pausing, I listen hard but all I can hear is the sound of Rupert’s breath. Silently moving to the window, I peer out from between the slats of the blinds. I’m sure I heard something outside, and I remember that I left my bike out there, not bothering to bring it into the hallway as I thought I’d be leaving.
Trying to look down into the front garden, I can see the back wheel of my bike poking out of the porch and I breathe a sigh of relief, ready to head back to the warmth of the bed as I realize how cold my bare feet are. Maybe I imagined it, I think, Harry on my mind making me hear things that aren’t there. As I turn away from the window a movement in the corner of my vision makes me stop, and I turn back, my breath catching in my throat. There is someone there, just as I thought. The figure of a person stands under the dim glow of the streetlamp across the road, a hooded top pulled up over their head, making it difficult to distinguish whether it is a man or a woman. Holding my breath, afraid to make a sound, I watch as they raise their head to the window and I get the unmistakable feeling that they know I am here, that they are watching me.
‘Rupert!’ I hiss his name, turning to the bed, ‘Rupert, wake up!’
Rupert rolls over, mumbling under his breath.
‘Rupert, wake up, please! There’s someone outside, they’re watching the house!’
Remembering the face I saw at the bottom of the garden a few weeks ago, my hands start to shake, and I turn back to the window with my heart in my throat, only to see that the street is empty. There is no one there.
Creeping into the flat, I jump as Tiny rockets out of the kitchen, snarling and yapping. So much for sneaking back home without waking Mags up. I was hoping that it was early enough on a Sunday morning for me to sneak in, grab a quick shower again and creep back out before she got up, but not anymore. Not now Tiny is awake.
Despite a sleepless night, the faceless figure outside the house appearing in my dreams every time I managed to drop off, I feel remarkably chipper. Rupert thinks perhaps I either imagined the person outside – being half asleep and having Harry on my mind – or it was just someone waiting for a lift or something outside the house. Either way, my bike was still there, and even though I am tired, there was something magical about last night, about staying the whole night right through, sleeping in the space in Rupert’s bed that Caro used to occupy. I thought things might be awkward this morning when we woke, but it wasn’t at all. It was like it was meant to be. Only now, I have to face Mags, and any trace of my magical night with Rupert is washed away by her appearance in the doorway to her bedroom.
‘You came home then.’ Her voice is flat, and she looks exhausted, her orange hair stuck up on one side. She’s wearing my T-shirt, the old Happy Mondays one I got from a charity shop, but judging by the look on her face now isn’t the time to mention it.
‘Sorry.’ I pull an apologetic face and wrinkle my nose, while trying to calculate whether I have time to wash my hair before it’s time to meet Rupert back at his house.
‘I bet,’ Mags sniffs. ‘Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been about you?’
‘Worried? Why would you be worried? I thought you knew where I would be.’ Mags is acting like my mother, not my flatmate, and I feel a flicker of uncertainty as I try and offer up a smile. ‘I didn’t think you’d even notice if I wasn’t home.’
‘Of course, I would notice. You’ve been home after midnight practically every night for the past few weeks – I can’t sleep until I know you’re home. You didn’t even bother to let me know you weren’t coming back, you didn’t respond to any of the text messages I sent you.’
I pull my phone out, to see six missed calls and seventeen text messages, all from Mags. Seventeen. ‘Jesus, Mags. How many texts? My phone died, OK? I gave it a quick blast this morning before I left – in fact, I need to put it on charge now.’ After last night, this is too much. I push past her and head for the sanctuary of my own bedroom.
‘Harry threatened to kill you, Emily! Ever since you’ve lived here you’ve been terrified of him tracking you down – what was I supposed to think? I thought he’d found you, hurt you! You can’t just not reply to my texts and expect me to not be concerned…’ Mags follows, Tiny circling her feet in an attempt to remind her to feed her. ‘Don’t get cross, I was just worried, that’s all. I’ve hardly seen you recently.’
I pause in pulling my T-shirt over my head. I’ve been so used to being on my own, looking after myself since Mum did a runner with her latest husband, that it didn’t occur to me that Mags would be concerned. And she does have a point – I have hardly seen her lately, but that’s only because I’ve been trying to avoid a lecture. Immediately I feel like a bitch. ‘I’m sorry, Mags, I didn’t think. I’m fine. I promise. I’m actually really happy.’ I sit on the bed in my underwear as Mags leans against the doorframe, a frown on her face.
‘So, you are seeing this Rupert then?’
‘It looks like it.’ I can’t stop the huge grin that spreads across my face. ‘He’s amazing, Mags, honestly, he’s kind, he’s funny… he treats me like I’m special, you know?’
‘I’m sure Harry did in the beginning too.’ Mags’s tone is sour.
‘What? What’s that supposed to mean?’ I tug the ha
ir bobble from my ponytail and throw it onto the bedside table.
‘Nothing. Just… you’re rushing into things a bit, aren’t you? This was supposed to be a job, you said. A chance to “get yourself back on your feet”.’ She makes quote marks in the air with her fingers. ‘What if it all goes wrong? You’ll be back to square one.’
‘I thought you’d be pleased by that,’ I snap, grabbing my towel and heading for the door, before Mags steps in front of it.
‘Don’t be like that, Em!’ Her tone changes, and I am surprised to see tears in her eyes. ‘After everything that happened with Harry, I’m just concerned for you, that’s all. I wouldn’t be a very good friend, would I, if I didn’t worry when you didn’t come home?’
Not wanting an argument, I sigh, conscious that I am supposed to be meeting Rupert in just over an hour, when he says he’s going to introduce me to his brother. My stomach gives a flip at the idea of being introduced to the most important people in his life. ‘No, OK, I do understand that. I’ll call in future, if that will stop you worrying. And I am sorry – you know I’m not used to having people worry about me.’
‘It’s OK. Maybe we can do something together today?’ She taps her chin, thinking. ‘We could go to Coate Water, go for a walk round the lake?’
‘No, Mags, I’m sorry.’
‘No, you’re right. It’s still a little bit chilly out there, even if the sun is out. What about shopping? We could go to that vintage place you like on the High Street.’
‘I can’t, Mags,’ I feel a twinge of guilt, ‘I’m meeting Rupert. I only came home to get showered and changed. Let’s do something in the week – I’ll take you out for dinner after work.’ And if I’m honest, if I wasn’t meeting Rupert, I still don’t think I’d want to spend the day with her. Much as I do appreciate what Mags has done for me, I can’t get used to having someone fuss over me the way she does, and twice since I started working for Rupert I’ve woken up to find her at the foot of my bed, having sleepwalked there, her shadow making my heart stop in my chest every time.
‘Fine. I’ve been waiting to go to that new vegan place.’ She injects a breezy note into her voice that doesn’t match the expression on her face, before it passes and she smiles, letting me past to the bathroom. ‘I’ve got things to do today anyway. People to meet. Old friends.’
‘Right.’ I manage a smile, and close the bathroom door, locking it behind me before sinking onto the toilet and scrubbing my hands over my face. Hopefully the promise of dinner will keep Mags happy – I don’t want to upset her; after all, I still have to live with her.
Chapter Seven
‘Are you sure I look OK?’ I pull down the sun visor and peer into the tiny mirror for the fifth time since we left Rupert’s house half an hour previously. I push my tongue over my teeth to remove any rogue lipstick marks before flipping the visor back up and running my hands over my dress, easing away any creases.
‘Beautiful. As always. Come on, we’re late as it is. Plus, we’re sitting in their driveway, so that looks weird.’ Rupert opens his car door and I think that maybe I detect a hint of irritation in his voice, or maybe it’s just nerves. Rupert is about to introduce me to his family and friends for the first time, after all. I met his brother, Will, a couple of weeks ago, but I’ve yet to meet the rest of them, although Rupert assures me they know all about me. When he comes round to my side and opens my door – ever the gentleman – there is a smile on his face and I think maybe I imagined it.
‘Ready?’ Rupert holds his hand out and I take it, easing myself gracefully out of the car. I straighten my shoulders and mentally gird my loins, ignoring the flutter of nerves that bounce around in my stomach. Today is A Big Deal. It’s Sadie and Miles’s annual Easter party – and thanks to Easter coming late, the weather means a garden party, which means I am about to be introduced to every important person in Rupert’s life in one go.
‘Finally, I thought you were never going to make it.’ Sadie appears in the front doorway, looking as though she’s about to step onto the catwalk in a clinging, green silk dress, just as glamorous as I remember her. I try not to feel underdressed in my white linen shift dress, resisting the urge to smooth out the creases again. ‘Rupert, darling, it’s so good to see you. It’s been absolutely ages.’ She kisses his cheek warmly and then turns her attention to me. ‘Emily. How nice of Rupert to bring you along.’ There is a hint of coolness in her tone, that I am sure only I can hear. ‘Come through, both of you. Everyone is already here.’
Sadie turns and walks down the long, light, narrow hallway, not waiting to see if Rupert and I are following. Rupert obviously knows the way and leads me through a spacious kitchen and then out through bi-fold doors into an impressive landscaped garden, like nothing I have ever seen before – it makes Rupert’s garden look tiny.
‘Rupert! And this must be Emily! How lovely to meet you. I’m Miles, Sadie’s better half.’ The portly man with the rosy cheeks standing in front of us as we step onto the patio is more welcoming than Sadie, and I feel my shoulders drop down from somewhere around my chin. As I listen with one ear to Rupert and Miles’s conversation, I let my gaze roam across the grounds, taking in the structured landscaped borders, the small orchard of apple trees that cluster at one side of the expansive garden, and if I crane my neck discreetly I’m pretty sure I can see the glint of water, a swimming pool, tucked away behind the pagoda. It’s a far cry from John’s three-bedroom detached house in Surrey. Even further from the tiny council flat Mum and I lived in before that.
‘Emily?’ Sadie appears beside me, a flute of sparkling wine in her hand. ‘Would you like a drink? I brought you a glass of champagne.’
Of course, I think, of course it is champagne. I am beginning to realize that Sadie and Miles – and to some extent, Rupert – occupy another level of income entirely from anything I have ever been used to.
‘Come and meet everyone – those two will be chatting for ages.’ Sadie gestures to where Rupert stands with Miles, both of them laughing. She picks her way delicately across the lawn in her heels, and I follow, thankful that I wore wedges.
‘Amanda, this is Emily, Rupert’s…’ there is a pause, ‘girlfriend. Emily, this is Amanda. She’s married to Will, Rupert’s brother.’ Amanda is beautiful, that’s the only word I can think of to describe her. Slanting green eyes, flawless dark skin and hair carefully styled into a huge afro, with a figure to die for.
‘Nice to meet you. Sorry I couldn’t make it when Rupert introduced you to Will.’ Amanda holds one hand out and I shake it limply, taking a sip of champagne to hide my awkwardness. ‘So, you’re the one who’s brought Rupert back out of his shell. We all thought he’d be in mourning forever.’
‘Oh, um… thank you?’ I flounder for a moment, not sure how to respond. I wasn’t expecting anyone to reference what happened to Caro quite so quickly. ‘I’m glad he’s, errr… back out of his shell.’
‘He looks… much better. Although I’ll be honest, when I met you at the house, I wasn’t expecting Rupert to end up bringing you here as his… girlfriend,’ Sadie gives a brisk smile, ‘but then our Rupert has always been full of surprises.’
I blink, taken aback by her comment, and before I can muster up a response she’s talking again.
‘Emily, tell us a bit about yourself. Rupert has barely told us anything, he’s been hiding you away from everyone.’
‘There’s not much to tell really.’ I find my eyes are drawn back to Rupert every other minute, desire tugging at the pit of my stomach every time I see him. He seems to be having a good time, surrounded by Miles and Will and an older gentleman who looks so much like Sadie he can only be her father. ‘I applied for the job Rupert posted, and we just hit it off, I suppose. I feel incredibly lucky to have found him.’
‘Lucky indeed. Although I’m sure Rupert must be feeling the same,’ Amanda says. ‘Have you been married before? Children? Sorry.’ She glances towards Sadie, who raises an eyebrow. ‘Rupert is like a brother to me
… I could say I’m just protecting him, but the truth is I am unbelievably nosy. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business.’
Glad that Amanda is trying to engage me in conversation, I smile gratefully at her, as Sadie says nothing, sipping at her wine. ‘Never been married, and definitely no children.’ Before I can ask Amanda to reciprocate, Sadie pipes up.
‘So, Rupert has told you all about Caro, has he? What happened to her?’
‘Sadie!’ Amanda widens her eyes.
‘What?’ Sadie’s voice has a defensive tone to it, and my skin prickles uncomfortably. What can Rupert and Miles possibly be talking about for so long? ‘I just wondered if Rupert had told her everything. It’s only fair that Emily knows the situation.’
‘Yes.’ Giving up hope that Rupert will rescue me anytime soon, I shift on my feet slightly, my wedges feeling like they might start sinking into the damp grass below. I’m half wishing the ground would just swallow me up and get me out of here. ‘He told me she died. We spoke about it when I went for the job interview.’ I want them to know that Rupert hasn’t hidden anything from me.
‘Poor Caro. So beautiful, and so young. I still miss her so much.’ Amanda lets her eyes fill with tears and I stare down into my rapidly emptying glass, not knowing where to look.
‘Amanda, go and splash some water on your face, you don’t want Rupert to know you’ve been upset. Emily, let me get you another drink, and I’ll introduce you to some of the others.’
Sadie leads me towards another group of people, making introductions, names spilling from her lips as I try frantically to remember who is who, and what their relationship is to Rupert, fighting back a wave of anxiety at being thrown in at the deep end. As I half listen to someone – I think it is a friend of Miles’s father – talk about rising share prices for some company or another, I find myself wondering about how Caro felt when she was first introduced into this circle of friends. I doubt that Caro would have felt overwhelmed, the way I do. Feeling eyes on me, I look up to see Rupert watching me, as Miles continues to talk at him. He smiles and drops me a slow wink that shoots a lightning bolt straight to my groin. I look away, a smirk playing on my lips as I try to focus on what the man next to me is saying.