Lady Bag

by Liza Cody

  Dl Sprague said, ‘When you went to Harrison Mews you were with two friends. Correct?’

  ‘I want to wait for my legal advisor.’ I was tired, so very tired. I don’t know why. The pills had knocked me out for two solid hours so I wasn’t short of nap time.

  ‘She’ll be here. Now answer the question.’

  When they woke me up I was dreaming about being pegged out in the desert for the scorpions to eat. I was stretched so thin I was nearly transparent and the ants were beginning to carve little fingernail-shaped scallops out of my edges, as if I were a leaf, and carry them away to a hole in the ground. My skin felt raw and paper-thin and my throat hurt from the dry desert air.

  I said, ‘I’m not well and everything hurts. Also, the first time I went to the mews I was alone. And then this bloke came along. But if I say his name I’ll die in a horrible way. He’ll stick me down a hole in the ground for the ants to eat. But first he’ll kick my head into chutney and spread it on his burger.’

  ‘Is he homeless?’ Anderson asked. ‘Is his name John Farmer?’

  ‘Showing the witness a photograph of John Farmer,’ Sprague droned into the recorder.

  I stared down at a police photo of Joss. He looked grim and cruel. I was horrified. ‘If you know all this,’ I said, ‘why are you making me commit suicide?’

  ‘We need to confirm witness statements,’ DI Sprague said. ‘Is this John Farmer?’

  ‘Never heard of a John Farmer.’

  ‘But you do recognise the face,’ Sprague said. ‘Is this one of the men you took to Harrison Mews?’

  ‘I didn’t take anyone anywhere except for Electra. She’s the only one I trust.’

  ‘You took two men, one of whom has a record for persistent theft, burglary and assault, to the home of Natalie Munrow.’

  ‘I went there because the Devil told me to. I didn’t know Natalie. How would I know where she lives?’

  ‘Lived,’ Sprague said flatly.

  ‘Are you sure? Couldn’t you have got the doxy duo mixed up?’

  ‘Like you did?’ Sprague sneered.

  ‘We’re absolutely sure,’ Anderson said. ‘No doubt at all.’

  I sighed. ‘Then why did the Devil do it? He does evil for gain as well as pleasure, and a nice fat insurance policy would be a gain. Except he doesn’t gain; the nephews do, so it doesn’t make sense.’

  Anderson said, ‘How do you know about the nephews?’

  I was so tired I almost didn’t recognise my mistake. When I did, I let my head droop down to my chest and said, ‘Lord Ashmodai sometimes lets the few, the chosen few, gain. It encourages them to obey him.’

  ‘For God’s sake!’ Sprague spat. ‘Let’s get back to John Farmer before global warming kicks in and fries us all. Do you recognise the man in this photograph? And was he in the vicinity of Harrison Mews on the day in question? You don’t have to say a fucking word; just nod your head.’

  So I nodded my head because Anderson was still looking at me with a peculiar expression on his face. If we got into how I knew about the nephews I’d be putting Smister into the frame. Morally, it’s better to rat out an enemy than a friend—though physically it’s the other way round, especially if your friend is a lady-boy and your enemy is Joss.

  I said, ‘I don’t know the name you know, and I won’t use the one I do know. But he decided there wasn’t a mission in the mews and we left.’

  ‘Where did you go?’ Sprague asked. But I was wondering if I’d get into more trouble if I told him that was when I saw Natalie come out of the house and be picked up by Chantelle in the little red German car. On the other hand I’d already proved to myself that I couldn’t tell which doxy was which, and I couldn’t remember if I’d actually seen who was driving the red car. On the whole, I thought, it’d probably be best if I only dealt with what Old Filthy actually asked.

  ‘Are you even listening?’ Sprague barked.

  The door opened and Kaylee scampered in looking harried.

  ‘Interview commencing at 16.49.’ DI Sprague hurriedly pushed the button that started the recorder.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Kaylee said as I slowly and painfully started to take my feet off her chair. ‘No, no, I’ll stand.’ Which was great strategy because the cops, who wouldn’t break a sweat fetching me an extra chair, immediately ordered one up for her.

  ‘Okay,’ Sprague said, ‘we’ve established that you and John Farmer left Harrison Mews together. What did you do then?’

  ‘There’s an offie near South Ken Station and we went halves on a six-pack.’

  ‘And then?’ Sprague made cranking signs with his hand.

  ‘And then I went to the bog for a wash and when I came out J… Whatsisname had got into a punch-up with another guy so we left… And then,’ I said, because bastard Sprague was still cranking, ‘we wandered around looking for a quiet place to sit down.’

  ‘When you say “we”?’

  ‘Electra and me. We’d been on our feet all morning and she gets twinges.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So we had a nice little kip in a graveyard.’

  ‘Where?’ Sprague was so damn pushy. ‘What time?’

  ‘I still don’t own a watch, and I don’t know where we were except there was a nursery school in the chapel and they gave us milk and chocolate biscuits when we woke up. One of the kids called me Big Foot.’

  ‘That can be checked,’ Anderson said, making a note in his little book.

  Sprague started cranking again, so I said, ‘And then I went back to Harrison Mews.’

  ‘Why?’ Anderson said.

  ‘I don’t know. The Devil called me and I came running. He hadn’t called me for years but there he was, dragging me back, with his icy hand burning my arm.’

  ‘You saw him again?’ Sprague said. ‘You saw him at Harrison Mews?’

  ‘I saw him here.’ I put my hand on the place where my heart should be.

  ‘I-I think it was a metaphor, sir,’ Kaylee said, glowing pink under the strip lighting.

  ‘And don’t keep doing that air-cranking thing,’ I added. ‘It’s annoying.’ I wanted to give Kaylee time to recover.

  ‘Oh, I’m annoying you?’ Sprague said. ‘Anderson, take over or I’ll throttle her.’ He got up and went to stand in the same corner as the camera.

  Anderson stared at me and I stared at him. He had a pleasant, potato face which was only just beginning to bake hard.

  ‘Okay.’ He smiled. I think he might’ve had custard for his pudding. Something smelled of custard and it certainly wasn’t me. ‘You went back to Harrison Mews. What happened then?’

  ‘I think maybe we went to sleep again. This is scary and confusing. Someone tried to kick Electra and she ran away.’

  ‘Was it John Farmer?’

  ‘You’ve got to say I never mentioned their names.’

  ‘I will,’ Anderson said, ‘I promise. Now, you said “their names”. So more than one man attacked you?’

  Another mistake. It was like there were two parts of my brain and they were both playing bebop but in different keys. I started to shake.

  I said, ‘One man kicked me. I don’t remember.’ My hand went up of its own accord and fingered the scars round my mouth.

  ‘T-take your time,’ Kaylee whispered. ‘You’re doing well.’

  But I wasn’t—my joints ached and my clothes had been woven from threads of razor wire.

  Anderson said, ‘I’m showing the prisoner another photograph. Do you recognise this man?’ The photo he put on the table between us was of Georgie looking cross and pathetic. ‘All I’m asking you to do at this stage is to nod your head if this man was also in the mews the day Natalie died.’

  He waited patiently and in the end I nodded. I’d already dobbed Joss in so there wasn’t any point protecting Georgie.

  ‘
How did they know which house to break into?’

  ‘I didn’t see. Maybe the Devil left the door open for them. They certainly left the door open for me. The Devil wanted me to go in.’

  ‘Did the Devil order them to burglarise the premises?’

  ‘For he is the Lord of Chaos, Confusion and Muddied Waters.’

  ‘And why did he order you to enter 14 Harrison Mews?’

  ‘I am the agent who protects him from earthily justice. Being called is my calling.’

  Dl Sprague stepped out of his corner and said, ‘Are you telling me that Graham Attwood murdered Natalie Munrow and set you and your two friends up to take the blame?’

  ‘Did I say that? You’re stuffing my mouth with words nobody said. I’ve named no names. I’ve been out in the rain and winderness for forty days and forty nights… ’

  ‘I’m f-formally requesting a break for my client,’ Kaylee said, distressed.

  ‘When I say so,’ Sprague roared.

  ‘This is being recorded,’ Kaylee said, bravely. ‘M-my client hasn’t been allowed a proper wash or a hot meal. Sh-she’s been in custody going on eighteen hours. And her AA sponsor’s been waiting in reception for over an hour.’

  ‘She’s in AA?’ Anderson asked. ‘Not a huge success, is it?’

  I said nothing, but I was digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands, hoping Smister hadn’t been dumb enough to come and poke his head into the lion’s mouth. Then I hoped against all odds that he’d smuggled a drink in for me. Yes, I might’ve sacrificed Smister and even Electra for a little snort just then. But Smister wouldn’t come unless Abbie allowed it. Maybe she sent him with a poisoned drink. Then she could have him all to herself.

  My aching teeth came loose in my mouth and started chattering to each other.

  ‘One more question,’ Dl Sprague said. ‘Answer it properly and I’ll authorise a little break for you. Fart around and you can rot here for as long as I like.’

  Anderson got up and joined him in the corner where they whispered urgently to each other.

  Anderson came back and sat down. He said, ‘When you went into 14 Harrison Mews, who was there and what did you see?’

  ‘I didn’t see anything. It was blurry. The door was open and I crawled in. On hands and knees. I thought there might be a drink inside. I wasn’t feeling too well.’

  ‘Was there anyone else in the house except you and Natalie? Was she already dead?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I wailed. ‘I keep asking myself that.’

  ‘And what do you keep answering?’

  ‘That’s three questions,’ Kaylee said.

  I said, ‘I didn’t see Natalie. I don’t know why, except maybe Satan clouded my vision.’

  Dl Sprague loomed towards me saying, ‘So you thought you’d just pop upstairs for a scented bubble bath? The floor was covered with blood, there was a body on the couch, and you’re trying to tell me you didn’t notice?’ If I hadn’t known better I would’ve thought he was genuinely perplexed.

  ‘That’s about f-five or six,’ Kaylee said, standing up. ‘I must protest.’

  ‘I thought the blood was mine,’ I said, touching my mutilated face and head. ‘I don’t understand either. The Master of Gore and Scattered Brains must’ve had a purpose. But he never tells me anything.’

  ‘Don’t cry,’ Kaylee said, handing me some tissues. ‘DI Sprague, I will make a complaint to… ’

  ‘Interview suspended at 17.23.’ Sprague looked disgusted. ‘We’re never going to get anywhere if she keeps breaking down every five minutes.’

  ‘You’ve seen the medical reports,’ Kaylee said. ‘Respect them—otherwise I’ll get a court order and have her removed to a… a c-care facility.’

  ‘If you mean, “Have her sectioned and s-s-sent to a l-l-loony bin”, just say so.’ He swung away and slammed out of the room.

  Anderson looked at Kaylee and shrugged. ‘I’ll see what I can do,’ he said, leaving rather more quietly.

  When we were alone, Kaylee said, ‘I-I-I think you’ll have to tell them everything. You need to give them a reason not to charge you. B-because the detective inspector really, really w-wants to. He’s got so much evidence against you and those two men. If you did nothing else, you all stole from the dead woman. It’s beyond question.’

  ‘Everyone said I was Natalie. They gave me her bag and her keys.’

  ‘They d-did what?’

  No one had told her that. So I did. I more or less told her the truth—about amnesia, confusion, concussion. All I left out were the moments of clarity. And Smister—of course I left out Smister.

  Chapter 39

  Just A Little Comfort…

  My “AA sponsor” sent in some nice soap and shampoo so they let me have a shower. They threw all my clothes in a bin bag and sealed it tight. There was a clean black track suit for me to put on, underwear and a new pair of men’s socks. The smells were of soothing lavender and all the sizes were correct. This was the work of Super Smister. He even sent me a small bottle of mouthwash. It was alcohol-based but I rinsed my mouth thoroughly before swallowing.

  When I was ready they took me to a small waiting room, and there, dwarfing one of the two comfy chairs was, not Smister, but beautiful, inspirational Pierre. And he brought Electra.

  She stood on her hind legs with her forepaws on my shoulders. Upright she was almost as tall as me. She didn’t do anything sloppy, like licking my face but she tucked her head under my chin and made little whiffling sounds. I put my arms around her and we stood like that for several minutes. I thought I’d never see her again, but here she was—warm, smelling of London rain and Yum-Chum.

  I ran my hands from her ears, down her slim flanks. You can always feel her ribs of course, but I could tell she’d been fed and brushed. When I sat down she pressed up close and laid her head on my knee. I bent over her and pretended to search her ears for mites, but actually I was telling her how glad I was to see her.

  Pierre said, ‘The message from the group is “one step at a time”, and “use this period of adversity as an opportunity”.’ He was looking round the room for microphones. He wore jeans, a Harvard sweatshirt and had a baseball cap on his head which said Praise the Lord—just the sort of thing Smister would find funny.

  He went on, ‘We’re all praying for you, of course, but your sister wants you to know that she’s moved away from her previous address and is staying with me and Cherry. She says she found out what Abbie did and she’s so, so sorry.’

  ‘Abbie? Abbie gave me to Drives Badly Bradley?’

  ‘We must all forgive and rely on a Higher Power to right our wrongs.’ Pierre raised his eyes piously to the ceiling. He was so camp I couldn’t imagine how he’d fooled anyone. ‘Meanwhile,’ he went on, ‘I’ve had a word with your Ms Yost and she’s given us her card so should you wish to pursue legal redress, we can communicate through her.’

  ‘Thank you so, so much for coming,’ I said, wiping my streaming eyes on the cuff of my sweatshirt. ‘I thought I was lost forever. Unforgiven and dogless.’

  ‘Your sister and the whole group insisted.’

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘She’s doing better. She’s tackling her addictions and, with our help and God’s love, trying to keep better company. She sends her love. She wanted to come herself.’

  ‘She mustn’t.’

  ‘No shit,’ Pierre said, sounding more like himself. ‘She may be a masochist but she’s not a total jerk-wad.’

  ‘Do you pray for her too?’

  ‘Every day, my child, every day.’

  ‘Aren’t you confusing an AA sponsor with a Catholic priest?’

  ‘I could be both. Catholics have all the best uniforms.’

  Electra was sniffing me all over, reading me like a book. She stopped at my badly bandaged foot and whined.

&nbs
p; ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It’s where Drives Badly Bradley slammed his car door. I took the strapping off to shower and I can’t get it back on again. Thanks so much for the soap and clean clothes. I’d been sick.’

  ‘Your sister seems to know you pretty damn well. Get that foot up here and I’ll sort it out.’

  I put my foot on his knee and he untangled the strapping. I sat and watched the huge hands. I wished he had been my mother. He’d brought comfort. He’d told me that Smister wasn’t the one who snitched on me. He’d brought Electra. Plus he’d brought just enough mouthwash to perk me up for a moment.

  I sat back in a comfortable chair with my arm round Electra’s shoulders and just for an instant I felt cared for. The Abomination must’ve been looking the other way.

  Chapter 40

  … After Which

  It Gets Even Worse

  The next morning I was on fire and coughing up chesty brown lava. The custody sergeant allowed me an extra roll of bog paper.

  DC Anderson fetched me and made me stand in a room with a glass wall. Then he took me back to the custody suite without asking any questions. I was glad of my clean hair and clothes.

  Later he woke me up again and took me to the same place, only this time I was on the other side of the glass looking first at Georgie, then at Joss. Kaylee told me that all three of us were identified by an Australian au pair, but I didn’t see her. Joss and Georgie didn’t see me.

  The boiling lava hurt my lungs and throat so badly I couldn’t eat breakfast or lunch. But the custody sergeant brought me a choc-ice and a bottle of water. Maybe, now that I couldn’t talk, I wasn’t so annoying.

  A doctor came in, listened to my chest and checked my bandages. I could hear her outside the door giving the sergeant a lecture about how all the homeless should be given flu vaccinations. ‘Why?’ he asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.