by Tessa Layne
“I’m wearing a helmet,” Cody pointed out, shamelessly. No remorse in his voice whatsoever. “Park and Teddy insisted.”
“Great. They can be complicit in your death, too,” she snapped.
“Look at me, Caro.”
She kept her eyes trained on his boots.
“Carolina,” he said more firmly, drawing her chin up and forcing her eyes to his face.
A sob caught in the back of her throat. She would not let water start leaking from her eyes. She wouldn’t. She clenched her teeth together, holding back a tidal wave of feeling, because if she let go now, she wouldn’t be able to stop.
“I’ve taken precautions. I taught myself how to grip with my left hand so I won’t tear my right shoulder again. You said so yourself, my legs are strong. And yoga has helped my flexibility. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Except that you might die.” Dammit, she could hear the quiver in her voice.
“I could die in an accident on a two-lane road, too.”
The weight of his words hit her like a runaway freight train. She jerked her chin from his grip. “How dare you bring up Michael’s death?” This time, she couldn’t hold back the sob.
“Because you don’t get to control life and death.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she shouted. “I live in fear every damned day that something awful is going to happen to you. And now you’re speeding it up by getting back in the ring where you could get stomped on, or have your head bashed again, or - or worse? ARE YOU INSANE?”
Cody’s mouth thinned into a straight line, and he crossed his arms, shaking his head. “No. I’m not insane. But I’m not going to sit my ass on a ranch and let life pass me by to keep you happy.” He turned toward her father. “No offense, Teddy. I’m always happy to help on the ranch, you know that.” He turned back, eyes lit with a fire she couldn’t deny. “I’ve gotta live my life, Caro. And I know when you’re thinking straight, you want that for me, too.”
“I am thinking straight. And you are living your life.”
He shook his head, jaw set grimly. “I might be living the life you approve of, but I’m not living the life I approve of.” He raked a hand through his hair, leaving it more wild than before. “Look. There’s a rodeo Colt and I are hitting next weekend in Nebraska. Why don’t you come watch? See that it’s not as dangerous or deadly as you think.”
“Why for a second would I come watch you voluntarily put yourself in harm’s way? Knowing that it could be your last ride? Ever?” Couldn’t he understand after all she’d been through that this was too much?
“Don’t be melodramatic, Caro. It’s dangerous, yes. But so are plenty of other things.”
“If you love me, you won’t do this.” The words were like a gauntlet thrown to the ground. She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth because deep down, she knew by saying it, it was the end of them. He wouldn’t choose her. Nobody ever chose her. She’d never seen Cody look more formidable, face dark with anger. If that’s what he looked like when he rode, no wonder he was one of the best. Even the bulls would bend to that face.
“If you love me, you wouldn’t keep me in a cage. You’d be here in the ring, supporting me.”
“I help people get better. I refuse to help you kill yourself.”
Cody opened his mouth to speak, then snapped his jaw shut, eyes going dull. He kicked the dirt with a shrug, then looked at her dead-on. “Then I guess we don’t love each other.”
His words sliced through her with a finality that nearly brought her to her knees. “I guess not,” she whispered, unable to speak louder because her throat closed. The pain hit her in rolling waves, turning her stomach upside down, making her tongue numb. She couldn’t breathe. Her lungs simply stopped working. For a moment, she thought she might faint.
“Uhh, guys?” Lydia’s voice cut through the roaring in her head. “My water just broke.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
If you love me, you won’t do this.
If you love me, you wouldn’t keep me in a cage. You’d be here in the ring, supporting me.
I help people get better. I refuse to help you kill yourself.
Then I guess we don’t love each other.
I guess not.
The exchange wouldn’t leave Cody’s head. It had tortured him hourly for four weeks. Nighttime was the worst, when he was holed up in some two-bit motel. He had no stomach for bars or women anymore. Carolina had ruined him for any other woman. Sure, he’d been approached plenty, but every exchange left him cold.
And his riding… had been substandard. Not remotely worthy of the sponsorships he’d once held. It had taken three rodeos before he’d lasted the full eight seconds, and then, he only received a seventy-six. A far cry from the high eighties and low nineties he was used to scoring. His body ached, too. All over. He diligently iced, and he stretched the way Carolina had taught him, but some mornings when he rolled out of bed, he felt like an old man.
And he was lonely, dammit. He sure as hell wasn’t going to ring up Park and whine. And the woman he wanted to discuss things with, to examine the ride in great detail, talk about the other riders, and his hopes for the next show - given their last conversation, he was pretty sure she’d hang up on him. Or refuse to answer.
Cody stared at the gold flocked wallpaper, right out of the seventies. If someone had asked him a year ago if he’d be here, in Grand Island, Nebraska, with nothing but a lumpy bed and cable TV for comfort, he’d have laughed his ass off and poured the guy a shot.
The phone called to him from where he was charging it across the room.
His hand twitched.
I refuse to help you kill yourself. That had to mean she cared a little bit, didn’t it? Enough, she’d want to hear from him? Know he was okay? And Lydia had told Colton who’d told him, that Carolina was miserable. Didn’t that mean they were better off together? With a frustrated growl, he pulled the ice pack from his shoulder, and crossed the room to return it to the freezer, staring at the phone the whole time.
Fuck it.
At least he’d know.
Grabbing the phone, he propped himself against the headboard, and thumbed through his contacts. A stampede of bulls let loose in his belly, and his thumb hovered over her name. He pressed call before he lost his nerve.
On the third ring, she answered. “Cody? Are you okay?” She sounded worried.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” he blurted. “I’m fine.”
“Oh.”
He could just see her, worrying at her lower lip with her teeth, the way she did when thoughts raced through her mind.
“How’s your shoulder?” she asked quietly.
“Holding up. I ice it after every ride.”
“Good, good.” She took a deep breath. “And your leg’s doing all right?”
“Seems to be. I downloaded a yoga video to my tablet.”
“Good for you.” Her voice sounded garbled, like she was crying.
Shit, had he made her cry? He didn’t want to make her cry. “I miss you, Caro.”
“Don’t call me that.”
She was definitely crying. “Ok, sweetheart, whatever you want. Just don’t cry.”
“Don’t call me that either.” She hiccupped.
Fuck. He was ruining this whole thing. He never should have called her. “Look. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called. I just, I just… I-”
“I didn’t mean what I said, Cody. I do love you. Very much. B-b-but I c-c-can’t bear the thought of you dying. It’s too much.”
“But I’m taking precautions. Believe me, I don’t want to die.”
“Michael didn’t either.”
“I’m not Michael,” he yelled, fingers tightening around the phone. “He made a dumb-ass move. I mean, who the fuck takes a selfie while they’re driving, Carolina? How can you say you love me in one breath and compare me to Michael in the next?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you,�
�� she shouted back, voice thick with tears.
“Sweetheart, I promise you won’t lose me.”
“You can’t promise that. No one can.”
“Just come see me ride. I think you’ve built this up to be some awful, horrible thing I do, and yeah, I had a freak accident last year, but I’ve been riding for years, and that was the first, the only one.”
“I don’t know how we get past this.” She sniffed loudly.
A painful knot grew in his chest. “I don’t know either, sweetheart. But I know I miss you like the dickens, and I want to see you.”
That triggered another round of tears. “Please be careful out there.”
“I’ll text you after every ride,” he promised. If that would ease her worry in the slightest, he’d do it. “And I’ll leave tickets for you at every show. Please come see me? Let me show you that I’m okay?”
She let out a heavy sigh. “I… I’ll think about it.”
The answer wasn’t remotely close to the one he wanted, but he’d take it.
After they hung up, Cody lay awake, watching the numbers on the clock change from hour to hour. At eleven-oh-seven, he reached for the phone again. This time with no hesitation. He punched the call icon and waited.
Ty Sloan’s very irritated voice answered. “This better be good, Hansen. I’ve got a pair of ladies ready to rope me up for stopping to answer the phone.”
“You didn’t have to answer.” He chuckled. Ty liked his ladies.
“Hell, yes I did. You don’t make social calls. What do you need?”
“I want to talk to you about coming back to the PBR.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
“He’s just so adorable.” Carolina stared down at her nephew. “And he’s changing so fast.”
“Isn’t he?” Lydia agreed proudly. “Colt’s convinced he’ll be riding horses at six months.”
“Of course, he is,” Carolina rolled her eyes, then kissed the tiny little fingers wrapped around her own. “But mama and auntie know better, don’t we?” she cooed. “You won’t seriously let him ride, though. Will you?”
Lydia shrugged. “Why not? It’s been a great career for Colton. And if little Bubba wants to ride rough stock, who better to teach him than his daddy?” Lydia gave the baby an indulgent smile, eyes shining.
Carolina’s heart warmed at her sister’s happiness. She was still unsure about the nickname her nephew had earned, but both Lydia and Colton were over the moon about it. “But what if something happened?”
The corner of Lydia’s mouth pulled down. “I know you see this differently than I do, but grief is the price of love, sis. I want my son to be happy. To pursue whatever he wants to in life that feeds the fire in his belly. And I’m not going to hold him back, just because I’m scared for him. None of us would ever do anything if that was the case.”
“I think right now the fire in his belly is for his mama’s milk,” Carolina said with a laugh as she handed a fussing Bubba back to Lydia.
Once Bubba was happily nursing away, cooing and slurping like he was in hog heaven, Lydia eyed her critically. “How are you, really?”
Carolina shrugged, tracing the outline of a bunny rabbit on one of the blankets that lay scattered across the living room. “Managing.”
Lydia snorted. “You mean living as if you’re dead. I thought you’d moved beyond that when you started seeing Cody. It seemed like you were finally letting yourself be happy.”
“Well, you saw what happened.” She crossed her arms across her midsection.
“For crying out loud, Caro.” Lydia tossed a hand, startling Bubba. Once she resettled him, she glared. “You are so blinded by your sense of loss that you refuse to see the possibilities right in front of you. You’ve moved beyond grieving, and now you’re just wallowing. I want you to STOP doing that. Stop wallowing.”
Carolina couldn’t help but smile just a little. “You sound like mama.”
“Good. Maybe something will get through to you. See what’s right in front of you, girl. Cody loves you. He worships the ground you walk on.”
“How do you know that? He’s never even told me that.”
“It doesn’t take a genius to see it. The way he came to your rescue at the wedding? That was a man in love. Or the way he took care of you the night you got drunk and set fire to your wedding dresses? If he wasn’t in love, he never would have done those things.”
Was Lydia right? Had she been too caught up in her feelings to see it that way? “He called a week ago,” she volunteered quietly after a long silence.
Lydia’s eyebrows shot to her hairline. “And you didn’t tell me?” she squealed, waking the baby. She shook her head, settling Bubba again. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“You had more important things to think about than the sorry state of my love life.”
Lydia cocked her head. “Who are you and what have you done with my sister. I always have time to dish. So? What did he say?”
“He misses me.”
Lydia gave her a look that only a sister could. “Duh. And?”
“He wants me to come see him ride. See for myself it’s not as dangerous as I believe.”
“What did you say?”
“That I’d think about it.”
“You’ll do better than think about it. I’ll go with you. It can be Bubba’s first field trip. When’s the next show?”
Was she really going to do this? She’d gone ‘round and ‘round with herself all week, first deciding to go, then changing her mind just as quickly. She made a face. “I can check. He texted me the schedule, and he’s been texting after his rides.”
“Are you kidding me?” Lydia’s jaw dropped. “Even Colt never did that. See? Love.” She looked so proud of herself, Carolina had to laugh.
“Am I crazy for falling in love again?”
Lydia set a sleeping Bubba down on his blanket and enveloped her in a hug. “You’re human. We’re meant to love others.”
Carolina took a deep breath, pushing away the fear that ballooned up inside her every time she thought of Cody being thrown from a bull. “But what if he dies, too?” she asked in a small voice.
Lydia sighed and gave her a squeeze. “I know this is especially hard for you. Harder than most. But you’re not stopping your life because Mama and Daddy are gonna go someday. You don’t worry about Daddy out checking fence lines by himself.”
“Actually, I do,” she admitted sheepishly.
Lydia snorted. “Of course, you do. But pretend you don’t so I can make my point. All we get is the day in front of us, and all we can do is make the best of it. We struggle, we pay bills… this is what we get. If it’s not perfect, if it’s not exactly what you want… most of the time, you have the chance to make it better.
“You have to look at what you have - right here, right now- at least a tiny bit objectively. Who do you want to carry into the rest of your life? Because you’re going to keep moving forward… Wouldn’t you rather do that with a man who loves you? Who supports you? Who wants to be your partner?”
She was so right. “Yes, yes I would.”
Lydia continued. “I will break into a million pieces if something happens to Colton.” Her voice grew fierce. “But I also know, that I don’t regret loving him for a second. Even half a second. He has sweetened my life unimaginably, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. No matter what the future brings.”
Lydia kissed the top of her head. “You’re stronger than you think you are. And you’ve got all of us behind you. Now let’s go get your man.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Dodge City
“You’re on deck, Cody,” one of the cowboys called.
Adrenaline buzzed through Cody’s veins. He shook out his hands before pulling on his glove. Today felt different. Like his head was back in the game. He’d drawn position number six, and a bull, Sweetie Pie, with a reputation of being a great bucker. Only one thing could make this day stellar.
Ca
rolina.
It had been just over two weeks since their late night conversation, and his follow-up with Ty Sloane. Two weeks of dashed hopes when she hadn’t claimed the tickets he’d left at the box office. Always two, always the same seats - in the boxes to the left of the chutes. He supposed it was a lot to ask, given that she had a full-time job and helped her dad most weekends. He presumed her responsibilities had only increased since he’d hit the road again.
But a man could hope.
Hope had helped his scores steadily climb out of the sixties and seventies and into the eighties. He still wasn’t on top, but he inched closer with each ride. His secret? He rode as if Carolina were watching. He wouldn’t let himself look at the seats until after each ride, only then would the disappointment roll over him. Still, today felt different.
He adjusted his bib number and pulled on his helmet and marched toward the chutes, chaps flapping with each step. Today was his day. At the signal, he climbed into the chute. Heartbeat slowing, buzz in his ears thickening as he narrowed his focus to the two-thousand pounds of angry flesh below him.
“You’ve got this, Code.”
“‘Atta boy, Hansen.”
“Kill it out there.”
The words buoyed him, acting like a booster rocket for his confidence. For the first time since his accident, he felt bold enough to talk to the bull. “Hey there, Sweetie Pie. You and I are gonna have a good time out there. And I’m gonna stick on you like fly paper.”
The bull snorted, shifting beneath him.
One of the cowboys pulled the rope tight across his left hand. He raised his right hand high, rolling his shoulder one last time, and signaled he was ready. The gate flew open, and Sweetie Pie burst from the chute with a bellow and a twist, but Cody was ready. All the balancing on the medicine ball paying off. She kicked high with her back hooves and lurched right as she landed, but Cody was right there with her. Every twist, every kick, it was like his body was a continuation of the bull. He dimly registered the sound of the buzzer and the roar of the crowd, and he pulled his hand from the rope and dove away from Sweetie Pie, trusting the entertainers to distract the animal long enough for him to get away.