Sorting Out Sid

by Lal, Yashodra

  He waited a moment so that he could modulate his voice to one of polite curiosity. ‘Mad? Why would you say that?’

  She looked at his face to see if he was serious. ‘Well, come on, Sid. Someone who thinks she can see the future?’ She started to laugh. ‘Tarot readings? What a sham. Well, they all are, but actually Cynthia’s different. She truly believes that she has these special powers. Totally loony, but true to herself, at least.’ She took a final puff of her cigarette and exhaled slowly. ‘Aditi went to her a few months ago. I had to calm her down after the session – she was so overexcited. ’ Something seemed to occur to her and she added, ‘Hey, I hope your friend doesn’t take this kind of thing too seriously. Wouldn’t want him or her…’ Sid nodded vaguely as she continued ‘…making some sort of life-altering decision based on the readings of a psychic.’

  Neha’s laughter was light, and not in the least mocking but Sid had to force himself to join in. She finally put out her cigarette and turned on her high heels to go back into the house. He followed her slowly, murmuring in a weak voice, ‘Of course not. Who would be dumb enough to do that?’

  2

  The Accounts

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?’

  Sid looked at Mandira, wondering if the question was rhetorical. Given that he was heading into his bedroom, he thought it was fairly obvious. However, these days, he was trying even harder to maintain peace at home. So, after a slight pause, he answered in a polite tone, ‘Into my bedroom,’ and waited.

  She continued to glare at him, standing at the kitchen door. Dinner had been a completely silent affair, but it was always that way on the days they still chose to eat together. He didn’t understand what she wanted from him now. He continued to wait and just when it looked like they would be standing there indefinitely, she said, ‘It’s Monday evening.’

  He could see the truth in this and so he agreed readily, ‘It is, isn’t it?’ It didn’t hurt to be affable, even if you were divorcing someone.

  ‘Don’t be such an imbecile,’ Mandira snapped. ‘We agreed that we would start doing the accounts this week, starting today. Remember?’

  He felt a wave of irritation wash over him, but let it pass and said, ‘Yes, okay, you’re right. We did say that.’ Great. There went his plan for some FTV and a little self-help in the sexual department, in the privacy of his own bedroom. Out loud, he said in a neutral tone, ‘Okay, let’s do it then.’

  ‘Wow. Thanks, Sid. That’s a big favour you’re doing me, aren’t you?’ Rolling her eyes, she walked past him, saying, ‘We’ll sit here in the drawing room. I’ll bring the files.’

  Sure, sure. He gazed after her, resisting making a face. We’ll sit in the drawing room. Neutral territory. Not like your room or my room. Don’t worry, I’m hardly about to jump you, he said silently to her retreating back. I will somehow find the strength to resist your attractiveness.

  He found some small consolation by plonking himself down on Brownie harder than usual, and then immediately regretted taking it out on her. He made up by patting Brownie gently. Three more months of living together like this instead of just getting it over with. Stupid cooling-off period – court’s decision. His let his head loll back on Brownie and whispered, ‘Great idea, Judge.’ He added, rather uncharitably, ‘You old bastard.’

  In the court, Sid and Mandira both maintained that they wanted to get a divorce with mutual consent, but the judge recommended – and when a judge recommended something it meant that you better just do it – that they live together for six months. And then, if at the end of that period, they still agreed that they wanted a divorce, it would be granted – it was apparently the norm. Cooling-off period, bah! If things got any colder around here, it would be the next Ice Age. What was the point? ‘Oh, I see, so you’ve wasted ten years of your life on each other and then figured you don’t want to be together? Ah … doesn’t matter … try it out for another six months, why don’t you?’ Double bah!

  It was just a formality they were going through. There was a certain relief in not having to pretend to work at the marriage any more. But it was painful – living together, continuing to see each other every day … just sharing the household infrastructure while waiting to part ways forever. Sid tried not to think about it much, but it once occurred to him that they were like two raw, open wounds, constantly scraping each other. He thought it was terribly apt and also rather gross. He even felt tempted to share the metaphor with Mandira. But of course they seldom spoke to each other.

  Mandira had developed a fetish for doing the accounts and had been pestering him about it repeatedly. Sid knew at the back of his mind that the accounts actually needed to get done. They had to figure out how they were going to handle their finances with the separation. Still, doing the accounts struck him as such an unpleasant chore that he had managed successfully to delay it. Until tonight, of course.

  He sighed and stroked Brownie absently as he waited for Mandira. She had no problem dealing with unpleasant tasks – she rarely postponed things. It was one of her strong points. So, of course, by now she had already broken the news to her family. Her parents were devastated – they had always been genuinely fond of Sid. Apart from many conversations with Mandira’s parents, Sid had already also spoken to about eight other people from her very large and close-knit family. With great patience, Sid assured everyone that it was nothing to do with them, and that no, there was no hope of making it work now. And yes, they both were quite sure that divorce was the only way forward. Everyone was very upset. Sid and Mandira had been the perfect couple as far as they were concerned.

  It was when he had hung up on Radhika bhabhi, who he could sense was in tears by the end of their conversation, that Sid felt a pang – he would lose the close connect he had built over the years with Mandira’s family. He had always got on well with all of them and was a great favourite of the household – the heart of all family reunions. And it was all going to be over once the divorce kicked in. He had married only Mandira ten years ago; but he would be divorcing her whole family now.

  It irked Sid sometimes that Mandira made it sound as if it was all his fault. The general consensus in the family was that if he had only yielded to her reasonable desire for a child, they, perhaps, would still be the close-knit couple that the family had seen for years. He sighed. There was no way that he could explain, and there was no point anyway. No … he decided now. If it made things easier for Mandira to position their break-up in this manner, he was happy to play along.

  He knew Mandira was mad at him because he still hadn’t told his parents about the divorce. She had been pestering him for a while now, saying, ‘What if they call and ask me about it? What if they hear it from the rest of the family?’ He knew she was right, but didn’t see the hurry to break the bad news to them. He maintained with Mandira that he had to wait for the right moment. After all, his father was a heart patient and it would have to be broken gently to him, later. Ideally, much later, he thought.

  ‘I can’t believe you can be so secretive with your own parents about something as important as this,’ Mandira often lashed out at him. ‘I told my folks the minute I made up my mind that it couldn’t work between us.’

  That was the other irritating thing, Sid thought, as he watched Mandira bring a bunch of grey and blue files into the drawing room. She was acting as if their divorce had been only her decision all along. Well, that’s not how I remember it, he thought, as she opened up one file and began to sift through the papers in it.

  On the night that Sid had followed Mandira to the farm, they had gone home separately. He had driven rashly and almost unseeingly back to Bellavue Boulevard, and then waited in his parked car for her. A while later she had arrived. She parked her car, and then walked over and let herself into the passenger seat next to him. To his surprise she seemed prepared, almost proud. The first thing she said to him was, ‘Go ahead and think what you want to. It doesn’t even matter any more.’

  Her parent
s, who had turned in at about their usual 10 p.m., were oblivious of the fact that their daughter’s marriage was ending over a four-hour-long conversation in a car parked downstairs. Mandira had been hostile at first, refusing to answer any of his questions about what had been going on with Vikas and for how long. She maintained that she didn’t need to defend herself, insisting that Sid leave Vikas out of it, and not blame him – he wasn’t the root cause of the problem anyway.

  Sid listened, resigned. He supposed she was right – the thing with Vikas was more likely the effect of the growing distance between them rather than the cause. At one point Mandira broke down. Sid looked at her agitated and expressive face trying to recall who she had been when they first got married. He felt terrible for having put her in this situation, and he now wished that he had quietly gone home after confirming where she was. What had he really gained from embarrassing her like that? He felt every bit of her hurt and embarrassment as if it were his own. And then, underneath it all, somewhere deep down, there were his own feelings of having been betrayed. If this was the upper hand, it certainly didn’t feel like it. Unless of course, the upper hand was supposed to feel like it had just slapped the living daylights out of you.

  Once she finished ranting and raging at him, Sid started to speak. He reasoned with her, patiently asking a series of questions – if she truly felt she ever could be happy with him, whether their disconnect could really be bridged, if she had any bright ideas that they hadn’t tried earlier. Finally they had agreed. It wasn’t going to work, and neither of them even felt like trying any more. So that was that.

  And now, Mandira had started to use terms such as ‘When I decided to end it’. Sid wondered what satisfaction it gave her to feel she had been the one to throw in the towel first. But this, like everything else, wasn’t worth a discussion.

  Sid suspected she was still seeing Vikas although he hadn’t asked. For the last few months he had avoided meeting Vikas who had called him a number of times. He hadn’t even answered. Part of him suspected that sooner or later they would probably have to have a conversation to attain that thing that women called ‘closure’. But for the time being, Sid just didn’t want to talk about it. He supposed he was mad at Vikas, and he did feel stabbed in the back, considering that Vikas was his friend. But for some reason, Sid couldn’t bring himself to bother to be really angry with him. Maybe he was blocking it out. He was usually pretty good at that sort of thing. He did, however, feel very sorry for Sunny. It wasn’t fair of Vikas to be cheating on her; there was nothing wrong with their marriage as far as he could tell. For some reason, Sid felt more anger about Vikas cheating on Sunny than about Vikas sleeping with Mandira. A crazy thought now popped into Sid’s head – perhaps he should get together with Sunny to pay back Vikas and Mandira. He immediately chastised himself; he shouldn’t have allowed such a sacrilegious thought to enter his mind. After all, Sunny was above all this. She was sweet, honest and pure to the point of being virginal. He thought for a moment what was wrong with this line of thought, and remembered that Sunny had two sons.

  Mandira finished dumping two stacks of papers on the table. Sid struggled to sit upright on Brownie. Beanbags were not meant for this kind of paper-sorting work. After a couple of attempts to remain comfortable and yet be able to reach the table, Sid finally gave up, and slid off Brownie with an exasperated sigh.

  ‘What?’ Mandira turned to him sharply. ‘You don’t want to do this? You think I really want to? You think that figuring out our finances is too boring, and a waste of your time?’

  Sid took a deep breath and said with as much dignity as he could muster, ‘Brownie was hurting my bottom. That’s why I sighed. Any other accusations?’

  Mandira stared at him for a few seconds before turning back to the table. In a businesslike manner, she said, ‘Apart from the regular finance-sorting, I want us to start maintaining proper accounts for the household spends also. We should make sure that it’s all being shared equally.’

  Now it was Sid’s turn to stare. ‘Wait a minute. You’re saying that stuff like the groceries, the gas bill, and all that? How does it matter? It’s not even worth it. I don’t care, I’ll pay for it all. It’s only another three months anyway.’

  Mandira’s face reddened. ‘Are you throwing your money in my face? I don’t need your fucking money. I get paid as much as you do, don’t forget that.’

  ‘So you pay the entire amount then, na? I’m just saying it’s only a fraction of our salaries, why should we sit and count every individual item? Now that is a waste of time.’

  ‘Listen, I said I want to share the expenses equally. Neither of us should ride on the other. We owe each other nothing now, and that’s how it should be.’

  She was trembling with anger. Sid could see that she was on the verge of crying, and they hadn’t even begun the painful exercise that the damn accounting was sure to be. He suddenly had an irrational urge … He felt like holding her and comforting her, pulling her close and breathing in the fragrance of her shampoo. He remembered those brief moments a few years ago when they had been able to comfort each other. Without fully realizing what he was doing, he reached out to her.

  Just as he was about to make contact, she recoiled sharply. ‘Don’t you dare hit me, Sid.’ Her scream echoed off the walls, and her eyes were red and wild.

  Sid froze, balanced on his knees with his arms stretched out towards her. He stared at her helplessly. In fifteen years of marriage, he had never dreamt of raising a finger on her. And now, things were so bad that she could mistake an attempt to hug as an attempt to hit. The unfairness of it all hit him like a tidal wave and suddenly he felt as if he would break down and cry himself. But of course, he couldn’t. He simply gave himself a moment, and then said, ‘Mandira, I wasn’t going to hit you.’

  She nodded, looking miserable. Sid could see that she knew it. There were just too many complex and bitter emotions attached to this separation.

  He said carefully, ‘Okay, let’s just do the accounts for everything, okay? Whatever you want.’

  Her eyes were red and she stared unseeingly at the papers for a long time. She then spoke slowly, ‘Let’s not do this today. We’ll start earlier in the day tomorrow.’

  She didn’t look mad, just sad. He didn’t try to stop her. She quickly gathered up the papers and stuffed them back in the files. She stood up, the files clutched tightly to her chest, and went into her room without another glance at him.

  3

  The Big Day

  ‘So, the news is out, eh? You’re all Vee-Pee-Shee-Pee types now, eh?’

  Sid glanced up to see his colleague Varun – whom he often inwardly referred to as Podgy – standing by his desk, waving his Blackberry. Sid knew Varun was talking about the email from HR announcing Sid’s promotion. Only about three minutes ago Varun had rushed to the loo, past Sid’s desk. Only a mere two minutes since the email arrived and Varun had sauntered out of the loo straight to Sid’s desk. Sid stood to accept his congratulations, reluctantly shaking his podgy hand while fervently hoping that Varun had washed up well.

  ‘Thanks, thanks,’ Sid said, thinking once again how nice it would be to get a cabin befitting his new elevated status. Hopefully one that was not next to a loo.

  ‘So, I guess you’re getting quite an increment, eh?’ Varun asked, not even trying to hide his curiosity.

  It was in fact a significant jump, but, of course, Sid wasn’t about to reveal that. He said, ‘Oh come on … There’s a reason they call it an increment, it’s only incremental … ha ha.’

  After a second Varun gave a loud, phoney laugh and Sid matched it with his own Funny-Sid-at-Work laugh. After about a minute of this forced laughter they both sighed loudly in unison.

  ‘But still,’ Varun pressed, ‘it’s quite a move up, eh? What are some of the additional perks? Tell us, we Associate VPs, or rather aspiring VPs, should also know what’s in store when the good days finally come to us.’

  This guy isn’t going to
let up, Sid thought, exasperated. Actually, he didn’t know too much about the perks. He had other things on his mind, including the fact that his mother had called earlier in the day, announcing that she and Papa intended to visit Mandira and him. Mandira threw a hissy fit when Sid mentioned this to her. Her reaction perhaps had something to do with the fact that he had still not told them about the divorce.

  ‘How the hell do you expect me to behave normally with them now?’ she railed at him, ‘I can’t pretend we’re still together!’

  Sid wisely refrained from pointing that her behaviour towards his parents, especially his mother, hadn’t been too warm even at the best of times. Instead he told her that this visit would be a great opportunity to tell his parents about the divorce, in person. Mandira wasn’t convinced and continued to mutter in an agitated manner throughout the morning. It hadn’t been pleasant.

  Sid saw Varun looking at him expectantly. Why didn’t old Podgy just go away?

  ‘Perks?’ he repeated blankly and decided to try his usual diversionary tactics. He leaned over to Varun, who also unconsciously leaned in, eager to get this privileged information.

  Sid whispered, ‘The biggest perk, I must tell you…’ He suddenly raised his voice several decibels, making Varun jump. ‘… is the executive washroom, posh and clean. You know, that’s why they call it Vee-pee!’

  Varun blinked at him. Then he gave another wild, desperate laugh and Sid added his own fake one to it. After about twenty seconds of this, Sid looked at his watch and said, ‘Oh shit, got to go. Meeting.’

  Sid trotted away, pretending not to hear what Varun was saying about a treat being due. He walked with quick, purposeful steps even though he had nowhere to go at the moment. He felt annoyed at having to leave his own desk to get away from his intrusive colleague. He felt grumpy and wondered what was wrong with him. This was his big day and he was supposed to be happy. Promotion! The youngest VP in the company, perhaps in the history of the company. Big achievement. He was dimly aware that people around him were trying to catch his eye, probably to congratulate him – or perhaps to ask him about his revised salary, he thought. Sid lowered his gaze and hastened his steps as he crossed an area crowded with people standing around their cubicles. He passed them safely, still walking quickly with his head down. Only when they were right under his nose did he see the strappy pink sandals peeping out beneath the purple sari. He almost bumped into her. ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he mumbled, and then registered who it was, ‘Oh, hello.’