Sorting Out Sid

by Lal, Yashodra

  Wow. How generous of you, boss … Sid bit back the words and instead said, ‘Sure. That’s a good idea. I’m sure it will give me some much-needed … relief.’ Sid emphasized the last word, giving Akash a meaningful smile.

  As expected, it took a second or two but Akash was soon cackling, slapping his thigh with delight. ‘Relief! Relief! Yes…’ When he finally stopped laughing, he said, ‘Why don’t you go home early today?’

  Hmmm … Sid thought about it. Mandira would be done with her moving out by now. He distinctly remembered her saying that the packers would leave by 5 p.m. By the time he got home, she would be long gone. It was an important day to be home early.

  So he looked at Akash for a moment and then said, ‘You know what, boss? I think I will.’

  Sid stood at the door to his house. It was all dark and quiet inside, as he had known it would be. Sid gave it a moment of solemn silence, as a gesture of respect. An era had finally ended. And then, as he fished in his pocket for the key, Sid started to sing ‘Happy to be a Bachelor Boy…’ He crooned the words softly to himself while turning the key in the door, and deliberately stopped singing when the words ‘Until my dying day’ came up. After all, he didn’t plan to be a bachelor for very long. Wait, was he a bachelor? That wasn’t technically correct. After all, wasn’t a bachelor someone who had never been married? Well, as far as Sid was concerned, from this moment on, he had never been married. So it was okay. He stepped inside, ready to reclaim his home as his own. As his … Bachelor Pad, yes. Hah!

  Sid stood in the hallway for a moment. Things did feel different. Mandira had said she would only take the things that she bought herself. Only a few possessions were to be split half-and-half, such as his … okay, their … CD collection. Sid had thought about joking that perhaps they should also split Rukmini into two. He refrained from mentioning it, well aware that such a suggestion would only result in his being accused of cruelty to maids. Mandira’s sense of humour had died a sad death over the last few years. And one had to be respectful of the dead.

  Speaking of the dead, he realized he was feeling a little creeped out. It actually seemed like most of the furniture was gone; the house felt strangely empty and quiet. It was a little eerie. Actually, now that he was thinking about it, it was a lot eerie.

  This was ridiculous. He had been alone plenty. He was used to being alone and he loved it. He reached out to turn on the light.

  ‘Aaaaaaarrgghh!’

  Rukmini and he spent the next few seconds screaming wildly at each other. His shriek set hers off. Finally, he stopped and pointed a shaky finger at her, saying, ‘Tummmmmm!’ in a manner that struck him as strangely familiar although he didn’t quite know why.

  ‘Tum yahan kya kar rahi ho?’ Thoughts raced through his head even as his heartbeat slowed down to normal. Had Mandira decided to leave this specimen behind for him? Was this intended as an unexpected farewell gift for him? Or was it a cruel joke, some sort of last-minute vengeance on her part?

  After a couple of minutes of blubbering on the part of the little, frightened maid, Sid finally understood that while Madam was no longer at home, young Rukmini was to stay here tonight. Sid dropped his laptop bag, which he had been clutching tightly to his chest while screaming. He fumbled in his pocket for his cellphone and dialled Mandira’s number.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Hello,’ he said in as friendly a manner as he could. ‘I’m hooome.’ There was stony silence on the other end of the line. He grit his teeth and added, ‘I think perhaps you’ve … er … forgotten something?’

  ‘I haven’t forgotten her.’ Mandira’s voice was cold. ‘Her room here isn’t ready yet. And there’s just a little more stuff to be moved. We’ll be done by tomorrow morning. Don’t worry … I’m not spending another night there.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ replied Sid with exaggerated politeness, ‘I thought Rukmini was perhaps accidently left behind in all the excitement. You know, very Home Alone.’

  ‘Cut the sarcasm, Sid.’

  ‘Okay.’ He paused and said less facetiously, ‘Listen, if there’s anything that you need, please do let me know.’

  There was a moment of silence and he waited, fully prepared for his head to be bitten off.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Sid was surprised to note that her voice wasn’t sounding as curt as it had been a few seconds ago. He didn’t really know how to deal with it. Finally, he said, ‘Okay then, goodnight.’

  Mandira said, ‘Goodnight,’ the edge back in her voice, and hung up abruptly.

  Sid stared at his phone for a while. He looked up and saw Rukmini peering curiously at him with wide eyes. Instinct almost made him order her to make him some Maggi, but he stopped short. She was no longer his maid. Mandira and he were now divorced.

  Sid suddenly didn’t feel like spending the evening at home. In any case, with this ghoulish maid hanging around, his beer-and-porn plans to celebrate his first night of being single again were shot.

  He glanced at his watch. It was 8 p.m. Not that late. He made a quick decision. In any case, he had to figure out why Neha hadn’t messaged him back yet. He picked up his keys. He would just drive to her place. If she was home, good, if not, too bad. At the very least he would have killed some time. And then, there was always good old Aditi to fall back on.

  7

  Meeting Shiv

  ‘Well, I think it looks fine now. Very nice, in fact.’

  Sid was muttering to himself as he fingered his French beard. He was doing his mandatory quick-check in the car’s rear-view mirror. Emboldened by his thickening facial hair, Sid sprang out of the car and shut the door. He turned the key in the lock and then whipped around purposefully.

  ‘Hello,’ Aditi said, her curious face about a foot and a half away from his.

  ‘Aaarrgghh!’ He cut himself off abruptly. First Rukmini, now Aditi. Why were women springing at him out of the shadows tonight? He recovered. ‘Hello, Adu.’

  ‘Hello, stranger, where have you been? I hardly get to see you these days.’

  ‘Just been busy,’ Sid said. ‘Oh, er, big news … we signed the papers this week. And Mandira’s moving out. She’s … almost done.’

  Aditi raised her eyebrows in surprise. ‘Oh … Wow … Finally.’ She looked as if she was going to say something else, but then changed track. ‘So, here to see Neha?’

  ‘Er, yes. Just going up.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said. Then a thought seemed to strike her. ‘So, then, who’s that guy I saw her go up with? About half an hour back.’ Sid froze. He tried to figure out how to frame his response, but she continued in a petulant tone, ‘You guys having a dinner party? Why am I not invited?’ She sighed and batted her eyelashes. ‘He’s handsome.’

  Sid said drily, ‘Hey, is that Krish there behind you?’

  Aditi’s head whipped around and after a quick scan she looked back at Sid sheepishly. ‘Ha … ha … Very funny … Such an old one,’ she said and continued breezily, ‘Got to run. Anyway, I shouldn’t be so nosy … I know how you feel about me interfering. I’ll leave you to your little threesome then.’

  She waved at Sid and took off, a bounce in her step.

  Sid, on the other hand, started walking towards Neha’s building with the slowest steps he had ever taken in his life.

  He had changed his mind about a dozen times by the time the elevator – he was too distracted to take the stairs – reached the thirteenth floor. But he decided he would do what he had planned to. After all, if he had come this far, there was no point going back without at least saying hello to her.

  And trying to find out what the fuck was going on.

  Sid rang the bell in a determined manner, pressing the switch harder than usual. The long, loud chiming filled his ears.

  Within three seconds the door opened. Neha’s face was a little annoyed, but her features relaxed when she saw it was him. ‘Sid! Hi,’ she said in a whisper.

  ‘Hi,’ he whispered back, unconsciously imitating her. He adde
d, ‘Why are we whispering?’

  ‘Oh.’ She giggled, leaning against the doorway. ‘I don’t know. I was afraid the bell might wake Kippy – she’s asleep. She’s been quite sick the last few nights.’ Something seemed to occur to her. ‘Hey, sorry, I couldn’t respond to your last message, I’ve barely had time to breathe…’

  ‘That’s okay.’ Sid felt a bit better already. She didn’t seem mad at him – that was a relief. Then Sid remembered her mystery guest. He said, ‘Mind if I come in?’

  She seemed a bit uncertain, but then said, ‘Sure, why not? I’ve got someone over, come in and meet him.’

  She led the way and he sauntered in behind her as casually as possible.

  ‘Sid, meet Shiv.’

  Sid gave the stranger a cool, challenging look and said, ‘Hello.’

  He was the clean-shaven, chocolate-faced, traditionally good-looking variety with spiky, short, gelled hair. He looked too young, maybe in his twenties. What the hell was Neha doing with a child? But then, she was barely thirty herself. Besides, some women did seem to have a strange fascination for younger men. Sid looked at the intruder with an air of superiority, trying his best to look intimidating.

  In return, Shiv gave him a friendly grin that revealed perfect white teeth. In what seemed to Sid a surprisingly and rather unnecessarily deep voice, he said, ‘Hello, Sid.’

  Sid’s heart sank as Shiv rose to shake his hand … and kept rising … further … and further. The guy was at least six-four, a full six inches taller than he was. Sid took his hand to shake it, and squeezed much harder than usual, but Shiv seemed not to notice. His own grip was vice-like. Bloody, good-looking, overconfident, overgrown twerp.

  Sid racked his brains for something to say. Just then there was a whimpering cry from the other room. Neha hurried away, saying, ‘Oh, Kippy’s up again. Excuse me for a few minutes.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Shiv.

  Sid repeated, ‘Of course.’

  Now it was just the two of them. Shiv sat down and gestured politely to Sid that he should sit too. Sid stared for a second. He wanted to grab this guy’s neck and use it as the pivot for some sort of karate move that would end up with slamming him down on the floor hard. Sid sat down slowly on a chair, and gazed at Shiv in what he hoped was an imposing manner. Shiv didn’t see it though – he was busy examining his well-manicured nails.

  ‘Sissy,’ thought Sid.

  ‘Excuse me?’ Shiv said in his deep, polite voice and Sid realized he had said it out loud.

  ‘Pissy,’ he explained. ‘I’ll be right back from the … uh, loo.’

  Shiv inclined his head in a courteous gesture, giving no indication that he might have preferred not to receive so much information. Sid made his way to the bathroom, thinking about what his next move would be.

  He had no frickin’ clue yet how he would do it, but this guy had to go.

  When Sid emerged from the loo, Neha was still in the bedroom. Shiv looked up at him with a friendly smile and said, ‘This is a beautiful residential area, do you live here too?’

  ‘No,’ said Sid, ‘but close by.’ He decided to add, ‘Very close by.’

  Shiv’s smile wavered ever so slightly but Sid was watching closely for his reaction and noticed his momentary confusion. He decided to continue along the same lines since it appeared to be throwing Shiv off a little. ‘We’re very close … Neha and me … Me and Neha.’ He was pleased to see that the fellow was looking flustered by this, so he couldn’t resist adding, ‘In fact, she’s told me lots about you.’

  ‘Oh,’ Shiv said, surprised. ‘I didn’t realize. I’ve been a little out of touch with her for the last few years. I’ve been based in America and moved back only recently.’

  ‘And thought that you’d get back in touch now, eh? Of course, of course,’ Sid said in a snide manner. He was beginning to enjoy himself. He glanced around once to make sure Neha was still in the other room. ‘Well, then, you don’t really know what’s going on with Neha, right?’ He had a strong feeling that this fellow didn’t know about Neha and him being a thing. He briefly wondered why Neha hadn’t told him. But, then, he had told her that he didn’t want too many people to know. One had to give her the benefit of doubt.

  ‘Not really,’ Shiv admitted, ‘but I am hoping to change that. We were pretty close earlier. And I know things haven’t been easy for her after the divorce. But we haven’t had much chance to talk about it yet.’

  Sid narrowed his eyes. This guy clearly thought he could just waltz in and take advantage of the situation. He had some gall. Just like any other over-confident, America-returned pseud. But he had to think fast and handle this properly. The kid thought he was a smooth operator. Well, Sid had his number. Operator. Number. Huh. Wait, he had to concentrate. Subtlety was the thing. Sid had to drop some subtle hints, that was it. He opened his mouth to say something, but Shiv spoke first.

  ‘I think I might end up staying the night, and so we’ll hopefully get a chance to catch up on everything.’

  Sid’s blood ran cold. Stay the night? The idea. The nerve. The cheek. The … The bastard.

  Subtlety be damned. Through gritted teeth Sid got the words out. ‘Well, well, well … Young Shiv. You’re obviously a Man with a Plan.’

  Shiv looked at him blankly and then his smooth face scrunched up in confusion. ‘Sorry? … I don’t quite get what…’

  ‘Of course, you wouldn’t.’ Sid’s words came out in a low hiss. ‘And I might as well tell you now, you’re not going to get anything around here.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Shiv looked a little fearful now apart from confused. Sid smelt blood and it emboldened him to continue his attack.

  ‘Listen, pretty boy…’ Sid had never used that phrase before, but realized only now that he had always wanted to – it gave him a bit of a thrill. Till now, he had always been at the receiving end of all the bullying. He leaned in closer towards Shiv with what he hoped was a menacing leer. ‘What Neha needs now is a Real Man … Someone older and wiser … Someone who’s going to be around … Someone who’s divorced himself, ideally, so that he can really understand what it’s like.’ Sid paused before delivering his grand finish. ‘Not some fresh-faced…’ He tried to remember the phrase that had occurred to him. ‘Overconfident, opportunistic, America-returned pseud.’

  Till this point, Shiv had been cringing and edging away from Sid as far as he could go without falling off the sofa. But at these last words he stiffened.

  ‘Pseud?’ he cried indignantly, ‘What do you mean? I’m not a pseud … never been one. You can ask Neha didi about it.’

  There was an inordinately long pause.

  ‘Excuse me?’ Sid choked out weakly. ‘Neha didi?’

  ‘Of course.’ Shiv looked indignant. ‘We may be cousins, but I’ve always thought of her as an elder sister. She did so much to guide me when I was a kid, and I know I haven’t been around, but I just moved back! I’ve never been married or divorced, but I will help her in whatever way I can!’

  ‘Okay, shhh, ’ Sid said in a panic. ‘Look, it was just … I thought you were someone else.’

  But Shiv was still bubbling over with indignation. ‘But you yelled at me! And called me a pseud!’ It was clear that Sid had hit a nerve with this one. ‘No one’s ever…’

  ‘Oh no, yaar.’ Sid was getting desperate. ‘I didn’t say pseud, I said … dude!’

  ‘You did not!’ Shiv’s voice was getting even louder now and he stood up as he said, ‘You said I was an overconfident, opportunistic, fresh-faced, America-returned pseud.’

  ‘Look,’ said Sid, getting quickly to his feet too, wishing the fellow would just keep his voice down, ‘look, let’s not upset Neha with this little … misunderstanding, okay? She’s going through a lot … because of the divorce and stuff.’ He searched for the words that would calm this fellow down. ‘We don’t know how she might react, okay?’

  Shiv looked doubtful now, so Sid pressed on. ‘She looks calm on
the surface, but she really has trouble handling herself these days.’ He knew it was grossly untrue, but he had to try and stop this kid from squealing to Neha didi. How on earth would he ever explain insulting a young, baby-brother type of Cousin Shiv to her? So he finished in a dramatic whisper, ‘The doctors have said the slightest sign of conflict, and she’ll go over the edge. You don’t know her, she’s a real nervous wreck.’

  ‘What?’

  Neha’s voice, from behind Sid, was confused and angry. ‘Who are you talking about, Sid?’

  He felt the blood draining from his face and the tips of his ears flush. At what point exactly had she come in? Sid took a deep breath to centre himself.

  Then he burst into the loudest fake laughter he could manage, all the years of practice coming into play now. He even reached out and slapped Shiv’s knee. Shiv glared at him for taking the liberty, but Sid had his eyes closed as he said, ‘Ha … ha … ha … What a joke we’ve been having!’ He laughed for as long as he could despite the fact that neither Neha nor Shiv seemed to find it the least bit funny. Then, wiping his fake tears, he turned around to address Neha, ‘Neha! You never told me your cousin was such a riot! Ha ha ha…’

  His fake laughter faded and died in his throat as he caught sight of the look on her face.

  8

  We All Fall Down

  ‘Tamatar kitne ke diye, bhaiya?’

  Sid had never imagined he would sound so much like his mother. But that wasn’t a problem. After all, Mandira was gone and he was taking care of his own home. And he resolved that he would manage it better than she ever did. Look at him. Only this week she had moved out and here he was, already at the local vegetable shop. He wasn’t going to allow himself to slip into the old pizza routine. He had to take care of himself and he would. This trip to the sabziwala was just the beginning of a new series of mini-adventures. Sid was now a confirmed bachelor. He didn’t need any women in his life.

  None.