18 Truths

by Jamie Ayres

  “Seriously? Is that really all she is to you? An assignment?”

  He frowned at me. “What? You still think this is some sort of hook-up thing? Because if that’s what you’re implying after everything we’ve been through—”

  I threw up my hands. “I don’t know. Maybe I am! I’m not sure of anything anymore. Honestly, sure isn’t even a feeling looming on the horizon. I just want you to be real with me, and tell me what’s going on, because I can tell there’s something you’re keeping from me. Like where you were last night?” I sucked in a deep breath, then forced the words out. “And I’m also ready to tell you what’s going on with me. So, if you can stop worrying about your new girlfriend for like ten minutes, I’d like to have a serious conversation with you.”

  He shook his head. “She’s not—”

  I turned my back on him. “Whatever. I’m done talking about Grace. Weren’t you listening to me? Because I don’t admit you’re right very often, but you were last night when you said there was something on my mind I wasn’t telling you.”

  Nate came up behind me and spun me around.

  “Look, I’m sorry, okay? Tell me what’s wrong.” He tilted my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze.

  “I went to see Dr. Judy after school today.”

  “Without me?”

  “Yeah, and you really don’t have the right to complain right now.”

  “Sorry. It’s just the ‘you fail, I fail’ predicament we’re in,” he said, adding air quotes. “You have to give me a heads up about these things.”

  Predicament? I shook my head. Maybe he didn’t mean to use that specific word and all its negative connotations. But I loved how he conveniently acted like Grace was ‘our’ assignment whenever it suited him.

  “All I’m saying is you’re being a little hypocritical right now because Dr. Judy said you’d been updating her on Grace’s status—”

  “Yeah, but just over phone calls and text messages, not going to—”

  “Whatever! It’d still be nice if you kept me informed on things.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Anyway, you want the gory details or not? Because, well, I hypnotized Dr. Judy today and discovered a lot of things.”

  “You did what?”

  I explained the hour session with her, the details flying out of my mouth without any censorship. He watched me the whole time, never saying a word or even giving a slight nod of his head.

  In the end, I met his gaze, praying mine appeared genuine. “I’m getting Conner back, and I’d like you to be a part of my mission.”

  He tilted his head for a moment, and then leaned closer, like he was trying to hear me better. “I’m not following you. Are you talking about those passwords you discovered from Dr. Judy? You think you can use them to locate Conner?”

  “Yes! Don’t you see? I can find him now.”

  “Yeah, and I can find the North Pole and Santa Claus, too.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t be condescending.”

  He froze, standing as still as a statue. “So, it’s been exactly what I’ve thought all along.”

  Blinking, I gathered the courage I needed to deliver my speech. I’d rehearsed what I had to say in my head a thousand times while waiting around for Nate these past three weeks. “It’s just who I am. In this job, we’re going to see people at their worst. People don’t think of the meaning of life and why they’re here and the point of everything. It’s already so hard to make Grace see the light, and she was only eighteen when she died. Imagine how much more bitter people are in their thirties, forties, fifties, and so on. The number one rule Dr. Judy, Ash, and Riel taught us was don’t let the darkness take us over.”

  I bit my lip and shifted my eyes to the woods, making sure nobody eavesdropped on our conversation before finishing. “And if I become the person who doesn’t go after Conner, then I’m the kind of person who’s stuck in the dark. I’m the kind of person who can’t look herself in the mirror. I’m the kind of person who lets bitterness take over, and I’m the kind of person who won’t be of any use to anyone. Because please understand this one thing: the only way I can truly move forward with you is to find Conner first.”

  Silence hung in the air, and for a moment, his crumpled face held the puzzled expression of trying to decipher what I’d just unloaded on him. This quickly changed to a look of contempt.

  “How would you even know how to find him? You only have some passwords and no idea of how to use them.”

  “A demon told me.” I shrugged to make my bombshell seem like less of a big deal.

  He met my gaze, sucking in a violent gasp. “What? A demon! Geez, Olga, as long as you have a reliable source!”

  “That’s not fair… he had proof.”

  I forced myself to take a deep breath. I needed to choose my words carefully. Nate needed to understand how much I loved him, but he also needed to understand how much I needed to go after Conner.

  “Nate, I understand how this whole thing seems insane and how making a deal with a demon could totally blow up in our faces. But I don’t need another lecture right now. I need your help. I’ve never been more nervous or terrified in my whole life. My eighteen things didn’t prepare me for this. Finding Conner is… well, if I’m being honest with myself and with you, he is the reason I took the spirit guide job instead of going to Heaven. And I’ve been so scared to admit that to you because I don’t want to lose you, but more than that, I’m scared of not finding out what happened to him.”

  Nate stiffened like I’d just pointed the barrel of a gun between his eyebrows. “How could you even do this to me? Do you want to destroy everything we worked for?”

  A tear slipped down my cheek. “None of this changes the way I feel about you. I love you. I want you to be my boyfriend. Nothing will change that. I just want my best friend back, too.”

  I felt sufficiently exposed, not to mention idiotic. My words sounded stupid even to me, but I couldn’t help feeling this way. I reached for his hand, but he pulled his arm back. He didn’t look convinced by my words of reassurance at all.

  “I don’t think you are in the best frame of mind right now. This plan has disaster written all over it.” His voice was cold. “You can’t blindly go into a realm you’re not supposed to be in. You don’t have the perspective you need yet. Let’s give this new information the demon gave you a few days to settle. I think you’ll see how crazy you sound after I help you decipher everything.” He grabbed my arms, giving them a firm squeeze. “And then we need to take this to Dr. Judy. A demon trying to make bargains with us is new territory. She’ll know how to handle things. You’ll have to come clean with her about what you learned in hypnosis, but I don’t entirely trust Riel and Ash yet, so we can’t tell them about you almost going rogue. Dr. Judy is our best bet for an ally.”

  My eyes widened in horror. “No. I don’t trust Dr. Judy either. I don’t trust anybody.”

  His gaze met mine, leveled and dark. “Anybody?”

  “Except you. That was implied. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have told you all this.” My heart stopped for a moment, waiting for his reply.

  “Well, if you trust me, then I say we trust Dr. Judy. You don’t even know what the consequences are. You have a responsibility.”

  Raising my hands in exhaustion, I said, “The only responsibility I have is to Conner. And Dr. Judy, or anyone in charge for that matter, won’t help me find him! This demon is the only lead I have, but I can’t do this alone. I need your support. Are you going to help me or not?”

  “Just stop, Olga!” he yelled. “I didn’t accept this job so I could break a million laws to find your precious Conner.”

  I flinched, and Nate’s features softened. He touched my face, his fingers so faint against my cheek I barely felt them there.

  “I hate to see you torturing yourself like this. Conner isn’t your responsibility. The accident wasn’t your fault. You need to accept that. God had another plan for him and for you.”

  I realized a
new truth right then. Something happens when you find out who you are. That girl who took risks this past year? She wasn’t the real me. It was one thing to say I’d moved on, let go of my guilt. But talk is cheap, and it wasn’t enough. What matters is what we do when we’re put through the fire. When demons aren’t just externalized, but appear right in front of us, we see who we really are. Was I still that ‘good person’ from the past year if I was willing to sell my soul for answers? I didn’t want to help the other side. I didn’t want to let Nate down. I felt so out of control. Did my good outweigh my bad?

  “Well, it’s time for a new plan!” I let all my thoughts explode out of me, surprising myself. “I’m done with this spirit guide business. Conner is out there, and it is all my fault he’s alone. And I’m just doing Jar-Jar Binks stuff here anyway.”

  Nate’s muscles turned rigid down the full length of his body. “What’s that supposed to mean?” The anger in his clenched teeth surprised me, the words slow and cold and precise.

  I still didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but I knew what I could do. I could make this deal with a demon, but run a counter mission of my own. I could cut Nate loose so he wouldn’t get in trouble. That meant I had to hurt him, or he might never let me go. I took a deep breath and looked at the ground, because I couldn’t look him in the eye and say what I needed to say.

  “Jar-Jar Binks… the most annoying sidekick ever. That’s what I feel like here next to you. An annoying sidekick only good enough to handle the kid stuff. I mean, what am I even doing here, Nate?”

  “You’re guiding souls to find the healing they need.”

  “No, I’m not. You are.” I shook my head. “This was your path. I don’t belong here with you anymore. Just admit it.” I looked up at him and tried to make my expression unreadable, so he wouldn’t sense the nausea in me, how sick the statement made me. I hated lying to him, but right now, I did exactly what I needed to do. And that was the truth.

  “If that’s how you truly feel, then no, I guess you don’t.” He sounded calm now, his expression all business, but I saw the hurt in his eyes.

  Nate was the strongest person I knew. Seeing him look so sad tore me apart. The cold stare I faked lessened a little. I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this without being horrible. I’ve never had to… to—”

  “Dump someone before?” He shook his head back and forth. “Don’t bother. Your message is loud and clear.”

  Hearing those words was a punch in the stomach. I pressed my hands to my abdomen and looked away, my lip quivering as I held back tears. Of course, I was the one doing the dumping, but I felt so lost. I was thinking one thing, saying another, and doing something else entirely.

  Minutes passed before he spoke again. “I don’t even know who you are anymore, and you know what? I don’t think you do, either.” His voice was light, not angry at all, but the tone was brittle, giving him away. “And you know what the worst part is? I’ve heard plenty of stories about Conner, and let me tell you about guys like him. He will disappoint you. I’d bet my ticket to Heaven that he hasn’t been worried for you this past year. He loved you only for what you did or didn’t do. I just love you for you.”

  I flinched at his words before looking up at him, balling my fists at my sides. “Nate, I love you, too. I always will. But—”

  He held up his hand, signaling for me to stop, and then crossed his arms. “Because I love you, I will let you do what you feel you need to do. You won’t have to worry about me interfering. You also won’t have to worry about coming back to me because I’m done.”

  His words rang through the wind, my breathing suddenly ragged. I counted to thirty as we stood there, staring at each other, waiting for him to take it all back. At least something more along the lines of I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I guess if I love you, then I should let you go. Good luck. Instead, he turned and walked away. My mind became a clanging cymbal shouting Don’t, Don’t, Don’t over and over again. Even though I set the wheels in motion, even though I needed us to end, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. The words were all jumbled in my mind. Did I break up with him? Did he break up with me? I realized that I never thought he’d actually let me go. So much for happy endings. I should’ve known better for thinking those could happen to me.

  For one moment, he turned around and looked at me, his gaze shifting slowly toward headquarters before finding my face again. I wanted to run to him, but my whole being went numb, my feet glued to the floor. Something flickered across his face as his own frozen expression melted. The intensity of his gaze overwhelmed me, making my legs wobble. I breathed in and out, unable to open my mouth and say anything, but praying he’d close the hundred yards or so between us and make his way back to me.

  I watched him exhale, his chest falling. “Be careful, okay?” Then he muttered the three words I never thought I’d hear him say. “Goodbye, Olga Worontzoff.”

  I couldn’t feel his emotion through the words, but nodded my head anyway. I would be careful. Being careful was my calling card. Careful didn’t mean I wouldn’t screw up everything though. In the end, I hoped he would see what drove me—my sense of responsibility for Conner, for not being able to prevent the situation which landed us here in the first place. Not my love. Even though I owned up to loving Conner, to myself at least, I knew he never loved me, not in the way I wanted him to. I suffered no delusions after feeling the sting of unrequited love for so many years.

  Although, I also thought it would be Olga and Nate forever, something as sure as the quadratic formula. Now, I hadn’t just pushed him away to keep him safe, I’d completely destroyed any future together. Did that mean I could be wrong about other things, too? I was usually right, but I did draw the wrong conclusion sometimes. I had thought Nate was different from all the other guys I’d known my whole life, but he gave up at the first sign of trouble. He was just like all the rest. He didn’t even fight for me.

  In retrospect, maybe I’d been wrong about how Conner felt about me, too. I shook my head. There was only one way to find out.

  “I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end

  than any evil or misfortune in the world.”

  —Charles Dickens

  'd always imagined that when I appeared at the pearly gates of Heaven, an angel would greet me and present a slide show of my life before God judged if I could enter or not. My friends and family who had gone on before me would gather around to watch with shocked expressions as they viewed moments they never knew about. Some of these moments would even be a surprise to myself, moments I forgot about, or wished I could take back, or were shocked that I’d participated in them at all.

  If I ever made it to Heaven, I imagined that this moment would no doubt be at the top of that list. And yet, here I was, determined to follow through with my plan, and ready to make good on my deal with a demon.

  People flocked to Lake Tomahawk Park this time of day, the sun high above us, scorching our skin from the blue sky. From my perch atop a picnic table, I watched some children kick around a soccer ball and some teens fishing at the lake. For a moment, I almost felt giddy with the potential of summer, until I remembered again why I was here. But I also wondered how this could all be here. Did the whole city exist for Grace to be in it? I pictured the town only existing in the places Grace went. Maybe the demon created this mirage. I shuddered, and not for the first time, I second-guessed coming here.

  I scanned the park, searching for Sam. Couples strolled the circular path of the lake. Kids splashed in the pool by the clubhouse. Grace and Nate hung out at the swings, him pushing her high into the air from behind.

  What the heck?

  I bet all of this was here because they’d already planned to meet at the park today, and Sam knew that. I spotted him peering around a corner at me from the balcony of the clubhouse. After taking one more look at Nate and Grace and getting that “more than friends” vibe reaffirmed, I walked briskly toward Sam, clim
bing the outside stairwell with determination.

  Determination, yes. But the thoughts of what if my plan doesn’t work nagged constantly at my mind with each step.

  I shook my head. No, my plan had to work. It just might cost me my soul in the process.

  On the balcony, Sam lounged in a plastic chair, his pale hands clasped behind his head, looking creepy as hell. The wife beater and baggy shorts must be his standard attire, but today there were barbeque stains down the front of it… or blood. I hoped those red spots were from a barbeque lunch.

  I took a seat next to him. Just a little over three weeks ago, I had my chance at Heaven, now I made deals with demons. My, how the mighty had fallen.

  On the gritty cement down below, a two-year-old kicked and wailed in his stroller. Never before could I relate so much to wanting out. I swallowed hard, thinking, could I really do this? Once upon a time, I would’ve never entertained the thought of doing something like this.

  But now wasn’t a fairy tale, and I was far, far away from once upon a time territory. When Sam remained quiet, I leaned over the small white table between us.

  “So, I’m here.” My voice sounded hoarse with weariness, but I continued. “What’s next?”

  Checking his watch, he said, “You’re here, and you’re on time. That makes you reliable, not that I ever had any doubts.” His gaze felt predatory. “Pain has made you strong, Olga. Your loss is our gain.”

  I looked at Nate and Grace on the swings. “Whatever. I’d say pain has made me weak, especially if I’m making deals with demons.”

  “In due time, I think you’ll see things my way.”

  A big part of me wanted to yell at Sam that I’d never see things his way, but a bigger part of me wanted to get this meeting over with. “Look, just tell me what I need to know for this mission.”

  “There’s a building behind headquarters.”

  I shook my head. “Right, a storage facility.”

  “You’ll need the fingerprint of someone who has access to get into the storage facility.” He paused and reached to the inside of his shorts pocket before holding out a zip lock baggie. “Inside the bag you’ll find some tools to help you. That right there”—he nodded—“is an artificial gummy finger with Riel’s fingerprint on it. Just slip it on your pointer finger and press the security panel to the right of the front door for a good three seconds.”