Back To Us

by Roman, Teresa

  “I don’t know if she was okay with it or not, but she never tried to stop him. She never tried to stop any of the things my dad did. She only made excuses for him.”

  Pity filled Justin’s eyes. Even in the dimly-lit restaurant I could see it. I tried not to let it bother me, I could hardly expect him not to react to the story I’d just told him, but I hated when people felt sorry for me.

  “So you lived in the group home until you were eighteen?”

  “Almost eighteen,” I said between bites of my dinner. “I left when I started college and moved into the dorms. My birthday’s at the end of September.”

  “Wow. That makes me feel lucky to have the parents I do.”

  “You should feel lucky.” I didn’t know that much about Justin’s parents, but I knew they were better than mine. Most people’s were. They came through for Justin after he got hurt, when he really needed them. If I got injured the way Justin had, I doubt my parents would’ve lifted a finger for me.

  “My parents are really nice, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like they’re disappointed in me.”

  “Disappointed in you? How is that even possible?”

  Justin frowned. “My parents were really unhappy about my choice to join the Navy. They wanted me to go to college, but it wasn’t what I wanted. My dad tried to convince me to at least get a degree first and join the military as an officer, but I didn’t listen to him. I’ve always known I wasn’t really a desk job sort of guy, I wanted to see the world, I wanted adventure, not some boring job as an investment banker—that’s what my parents both do in case you were wondering.”

  “I don’t see you as an investment banker.”

  “Because it’s not me,” Justin said. “But the military thing didn’t really work out either. Once you lose your legs, that’s it, you’re out. I got medically discharged after being in for less than five years. My parents flew straight out to the hospital after they heard about my injury, they hired the best therapists money could buy, even though the military pays for your medical expenses. I don’t think I could have gone through all the agony of having my legs amputated and learning to walk all over again without them. But sometimes when they look at me I feel like I can hear them thinking that if I’d only listened to them I’d still have my legs.”

  “I’m sorry.” I wanted to say something more powerful than that, but I couldn’t think of what.

  Justin shrugged. “Don’t be. What’s done is done. If I spend too much time thinking about it I find myself in a really dark place. I don’t want to go there, especially not tonight.” Justin reached for my hand again like he had earlier. “Are you having a good time tonight?”

  “The best.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m sure.” It was crazy to me the way Justin doubted himself. He didn’t see himself the way I saw him, that was for sure.

  “Should we order dessert?”

  “I don’t think I could stuff another bite into my belly right now.”

  “Then how about just ordering something for later.” Justin searched for our waiter, then raised his hand to get his attention. “Can we look at the dessert menu?”

  Justin insisted on sending me home with not one but two desserts. “If you don’t want it, maybe your brother will.”

  “If you’re trying to get my brother to like you by buying him food you should know you really don’t need to go to the trouble,” I joked. “My brother pretty much likes everyone.”

  “Actually, the only person I’m worried about getting to like me right now is you,” Justin said as he finished paying for our meal.

  “You already know you don’t need to worry about that.”

  Alone with him in the taxi on our way back to Brooklyn I secretly prayed for us to get stuck in traffic so I could have more time with him. His arm went around my back and he pulled me closer to him. Even in the dim light I could see his eyes sparkle as the street lights reflected in them. Heat radiated off his body, I felt flushed. I wanted him to lean down and kiss me and then. . .he did. I reached around his neck, drawing him closer to me. His tongue parted my lips, searching. Our bodies twisted towards each other. Justin’s hands stroked the sides of my face and neck as he kept his lips on mine kissing me in a way I would have sworn I’d never been kissed before. I could feel Justin’s desire, but there was more to our kiss than that, it was tender in a way I hadn’t experienced before.

  “You don’t know how badly I wanted to do that again.”

  I bit my lower lip still hoping I could taste him and to keep myself from smiling the goofy smile I felt coming on.

  Justin wrapped his arms around me. “I wish we could go somewhere private, somewhere where it was just the two of us.”

  “Well I’d invite you over, but knowing my luck my brother will be back home.” That was an excuse. I was pretty sure my brother would be gone all weekend. Justin had already seen my apartment once, but things were different then. I felt self-conscious about bringing him back there now.

  “That’s okay. It’s probably for the best we don’t rush things anyway.”

  I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant by that, but I didn’t ask. Instead I kissed him again and again and before I knew it the taxi had pulled up in front of my apartment and I had to say goodnight.

  I walked inside my dump of an apartment with only my cat to keep me company, but it didn’t matter. I felt on top of the world anyway.

  Chapter 12

  Justin and I talked on the phone every night. Sometimes just for a few minutes, and other times we talked late into the night about silly things, like our favorite things to eat, what we liked to do, what our favorite colors were. Even after hours on the phone I hated saying goodnight.

  I looked forward to weekends in a way I never had before. Justin had the idea to pretend we were tourists and go to places we’d both been to a million times before like the Empire State Building, Liberty Island, and Chinatown. Everything seemed new when I did it with Justin, like I was seeing something for the first time. In the evenings we went to dinner. Justin took me to the fanciest places, even though I insisted I was perfectly happy with pizza.

  “I’m going to get fat with all these fancy restaurants you keep bringing me to,” I teased.

  “You’ll still be beautiful to me.” Justin seemed to always know the perfectly right things to say.

  “So, a little birdie told me your birthday was coming up in a few weeks,” Justin said one afternoon as we walked through Washington Square Park.

  “Oh really? Which birdie was this?”

  I knew perfectly well who it was. My brother, who had an uncanny ability to make friends with anyone, was home one afternoon when Justin came to pick me up and answered the door before I could get to it. The two of them chatted while I finished getting ready in my room and I was pretty sure I overheard Mike mentioning my birthday.

  “Does it matter?”

  “No, not really.”

  “So what do you want to do for it?”

  “It’s just a birthday. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.”

  “Well, that’s too bad, because I’ve been racking my brain trying to decide how to make it really special for you.”

  “C’mon. You know you don’t have to do that.”

  “My girl only turns twenty once,” Justin said. “We’re going to celebrate it.”

  It was an unusually warm September day and as we walked, I noticed Justin seemed uncomfortable. I wondered if it was the heat. Hot weather, it turned out, was the enemy of an amputee who wore prosthetics.

  “C’mon. Let’s sit,” I said, pulling him towards a bench. Justin didn’t seem any more comfortable seated than when we were walking. “Why is it that you never wear shorts?”

  Justin looked at me funny. “Are you kidding me?”

  “What? It’s got to be more comfortable than wearing pants in this heat.”

  “I’d rather deal with the heat than have a bunch of people staring at my
cyborg legs all day.”

  “Your cyborg legs? Is that what you call them?” I realized then that I had never seen Justin’s prosthetics.

  He shrugged. “My brother Jeff started calling them that, and it just sort of stuck.”

  “Is that really what happens? People stare at you?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I’ve always worn pants since I started using the prosthetics. Before that I used my wheelchair, and yes, people stared and strangers asked questions all the time. I hated it.”

  I felt bad for even mentioning the whole shorts thing. We sat beside each other in silence for a few minutes. I struggled to think of something right to say. Finally Justin broke the silence.

  “So, I sort of had this idea,” he said. “But I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

  “Get the wrong idea about what?”

  Justin tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “We’re always saying that we wished we could have some time alone, just the two of us.”

  “Yes, I think I remember saying that a few times.” I smiled. I’d said it more than a few times. In fact, it was something I mentioned on every date because kissing in a dark movie theater or in the back of a taxi wasn’t exactly ideal. But since I lived in a tiny, not very private apartment with my brother, and Justin lived with his parents, our choices were limited.

  “I was thinking that we could maybe get a hotel room together for your birthday weekend.”

  I stared at Justin not really knowing how to respond. It wasn’t what I’d expected him to say, even though it was probably the most perfect idea I’d heard in a long time. Justin looked away, like he was embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume. . .”

  “Hey.” I reached for his chin and made him turn around and look at me. “I’d love to spend a whole weekend with you.”

  “We don’t have to. . .you know, if you don’t want to. I just want to spend time with you.”

  I tried to keep from laughing. “I wasn’t thinking you were trying to get me into bed,” I said.

  It was the first time I’d seen him blush. “You’re sure about this?” he asked after he regained his composure.

  “Very.”

  The next two weeks seemed to crawl by. I was seriously nervous and excited at the same time. Even though Justin said he wasn’t trying to get me into bed I decided that just in case it happened I should be prepared. I was already on the pill, I had been for years, just to keep my periods regular, but I also bought a box of condoms. A few days before my birthday I went shopping for some nice underwear. My heart fluttered in my chest as I pictured myself wearing them for Justin. It had been a really long time since I’d been with a guy, and the thought of it made me blush.

  As my birthday weekend approached I made sure to get as much school work and studying in as I could so I didn’t want to have to worry about it over the weekend. I did laundry Friday after my last class, packed a small overnight bag, fed Buddy and waited for Justin to pick me up. It was almost seven when he finally arrived. His hair was freshly cut and he was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a thin tawny colored sweater that hugged his chest and brought out the gold flecks in his brown eyes.

  I ran outside with my bag over my shoulder and jumped into his arms.

  “Whoa.”

  “Sorry, I’m just excited,” I said. “I didn’t mean to almost knock you over.”

  “Then, let’s go.” Justin held out his hand, I took it and followed him inside the cab. Our hotel was close to Central Park and the most modern, elegant place I’d ever stepped foot into. The view from our room was magnificent. I stood by the window staring out at the park nearby. Justin circled his arms around me from behind.

  “Do you like it?”

  “It’s amazing.” I turned my head to look at him. “Can you believe this view?”

  Justin kissed the side of my head. “It’s the most spectacular view on the planet,” he said.

  He wasn’t even looking outside. “I meant the view out there.”

  “It’s hard for me to look at anything else when you’re around.”

  “Oh, that’s a good one,” I teased.

  “How about some dinner? It’s after seven, and I know you must be hungry, so nothing too far from here. I heard the restaurant downstairs is supposed to be really good.”

  Really good turned out to be an understatement. The restaurant’s décor was sort of art deco style decorated in shades of amber and brown, from the plush dining chairs to the light fixtures and the carpet. Huge vases filled with gigantic bouquets flanked the entrance and adorned the bar.

  I ordered lamb, one of my favorite dishes, and tried not to think about later, when it would be just the two of us.

  “So where did you tell your parents you were going this weekend?” I asked, figuring they must have wondered why he wasn’t going to be home for the next two nights.

  “To a friend’s.”

  “A friend? Not your girlfriend?”

  “My parents know I’m dating someone, but I figured it was safer not to let them know I was going to be with you all weekend.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “No one’s good enough for us boys. At least not according to my mother. The questions would’ve never ended if I had told my mother where I was really going.”

  I wanted to ask Justin when he planned on letting his mother know about me. Not just that he was dating someone, but that he had a girlfriend, one he spent a lot of time with. But maybe it was too soon. After all, we’d only been dating for a month. “Doesn’t your mother want you to be happy? She must want you to find someone.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know, sometimes I wonder if she does. A part of me thinks she’s happy having me at home, and happy that I need her help the way I do.”

  “That’s doesn’t seem right.”

  “Maybe I’m making her sound worse than she is. If it weren’t for my mother I don’t know how I would have survived after my injury. But almost dying scared the hell out of her. I swear she still worries about me like I’m back in Afghanistan.”

  Justin and I finished eating and the waiter came over with our check. Even after everything was squared away Justin didn’t get up from the table. Before I had a chance to ask him what the matter was he started talking.

  “So, there’s something I should probably tell you now.” Justin sounded really serious. That made me nervous.

  “What is it?”

  He shifted in his chair before answering. “I don’t sleep with my prosthetics on.”

  It took me a second to register what he was trying to tell me. “And you’re worried about what I’ll think when I see your legs again?” It was practically a distant memory—the morning when I learned Justin’s secret. But I hadn’t seen his legs for very long that day, so I barely remembered what they looked like.

  “It’s not very pretty.”

  “I saw you without your prosthetics before,” I tried reassuring him. “I was fine with it then, and I’ll be fine with it later.”

  “There’s a difference between seeing them for a few seconds and sleeping next to me all night,” Justin said. He sounded sad and lost. He always did when he talked about his legs. I wished I knew exactly what to say to put his mind at ease, but the right words didn’t come to me. I reached for his hand and laced my fingers through his.

  “I swear it will be fine. It won’t matter to me.” There wasn’t a doubt in my mind, but I could tell Justin was worried. “We’re a couple, right, you and me?”

  “I thought of you as my girl since our first date.” It was funny that Justin said that. We’d never had the whole boyfriend girlfriend discussion, I just took it for granted that it was what we both wanted. Still, it felt nice to have Justin confirm it for me.

  “And that means you take the good with the bad. I don’t care about your legs, I just want to be with you, and I want you to trust me enough to know that.”

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s just that I was so exc
ited about the idea of spending time with you alone, that I never thought about the rest of it, but sitting here with you now, knowing that in a few minutes it’ll just be the two of us, I guess I’m kind of nervous.”

  “Let’s just go upstairs and watch a movie or something. We can pretend we’re at the movies instead of in a hotel room together.”

  Justin laughed. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stretch my imagination that far, and I’m not sure I want to either.” I stood and held my hand out. Justin reached for it and the two of made our way into the elevator and back to our room.

  A chilled bottle of champagne was waiting for us when we got upstairs. Justin opened it, filled two glasses and handed me one.

  “I can’t believe you’re only turning twenty,” he commented.

  “Are you saying I look old?”

  “No, you look beautiful. But I don’t know many twenty-year-olds putting themselves through college, working, and paying their own rent, without help from anyone.”

  “It’s not like I really had a choice. You do what you have to in life.”

  Justin lifted his glass. “Well, here’s to you. The strongest and most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

  We clinked our glasses and sipped our champagne. Flattered as I was by Justin’s toast, his words made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think of myself as strong, just as someone who had to make do with what was handed to her. There were plenty of nights I cried myself to sleep because of the things that happened in my life. If I was really strong, I wouldn’t have cried, I would have kept my chin held high and not whined about the fact that I didn’t have normal parents who cared about me and wanted to help me instead of throwing me out into the world before I was done with junior high school.

  Justin put his glass down on the table. “I think it’s present time.” He walked over to his suitcase, unzipped it and pulled out one big box and another smaller one.

  “Justin, this is too much,” I said as he handed me the two boxes.

  “No, it’s not.” Justin sat down on the edge of the bed. “Go on, open them.”

  I hesitated before pulling the top off the bigger box. There was a hat and gloves inside in a bright cranberry red color, I pulled them out of the box and held them against my cheek. It was the softest material I had ever felt.