“Justin, if anyone can do it, you can.” I didn’t want to push the subject any further. It couldn’t have been easy for Justin to confide in me as much as he had. Still, I felt bad hearing how little confidence he had in himself.
Justin kissed me again, pulled his arm away and sat up.
“What’s wrong?”
“Just figured I’d take a shower, too.” Justin pointed to his suitcase. “Do you mind bringing that over here for me?”
I got out of bed and pulled it over to him. He unzipped it and pulled out a different set of prosthetic legs than the ones that were by the bed.
“They’re for showering,” Justin explained. “I can’t get the other ones wet.”
I watched as Justin attached the legs and walked towards the bathroom. I didn’t understand the way Justin saw himself. Even before he’d told me about what he’d been through I’d been in awe of his courage, and the way he picked himself up and moved on after the tragedy he’d endured. Now that I knew the whole story, I was even more impressed. As Justin showered, I lay in bed waiting for him, hoping he’d hurry, because I had the craziest urge to have him back in my arms.
A few minutes later, Justin emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. I smiled as he walked over to me, thinking about what was under that towel. Justin sat on the edge of the bed and I watched as he removed his prosthetic legs without saying a word. I wondered if he felt awkward doing that around me and how long it would be before he wasn’t. There had to be a first time, a first time for me to see him without his legs and then every time after would feel more and more normal until he was so comfortable around me that he never gave it another thought.
Justin sat on the edge of the bed like he was waiting for me to say or do something. I scooted closer to him and then started to kiss the droplets of water that still dotted his back and shoulders.
“Turn around,” I whispered.
Justin obeyed and covered my mouth with his. He swung his body around on the bed and I lay down as he showered me with kisses. The towel that was around his waist had come undone and I flung it off the bed and reached for Justin’s hardness. Justin pulled down my underwear and then lifted my shirt off.
“I want you so bad,” he breathed.
I moved my legs apart. “I’m yours,” I said and then Justin entered me again.
He made love to me with a hunger and urgency that he hadn’t earlier that night. I moaned as Justin brought me to climax, feeling wild with pleasure.
Maybe it was the fact that we’d opened up to each other so much. Whatever bond the two of us had already started to form towards each other felt more cemented.
Chapter 14
Justin wasn’t around when I woke up. I went to the bathroom to look for him, but he wasn’t there. His stuff was still in the hotel room which meant he hadn’t just up and left me. I reached for my phone to call him, but put it back on the nightstand without dialing his number. I didn’t want him to think I was clingy and desperate. Wherever he had gone, I was sure he’d come back.
It was another fifteen minutes before I heard him fumbling at the door. I got up to help him open it. He smiled as he walked into the room.
“I got us some breakfast.” Justin held up a large brown bag before putting it down on the dresser. Then he put one hand on my waist and the other around my back and pulled me towards him.
“Why didn’t you leave a note? I was worried.”
“You were fast asleep.” Justin kissed me. “I figured I’d be back before you were up.”
He stepped back from me and then pulled out four take-out boxes from the bag. “I wasn’t sure what you liked for breakfast so I brought you a few things. There’s eggs in there, and some pancakes in that one.” Justin pointed to the boxes.
“You.” I couldn’t help the smile on my face. “You’re always spoiling me.”
“Of course. What do you expect? You’re my girl.”
His girl. I liked the sound of that. It made my heart leap in my chest.
We spent the rest of the day hanging out in Central Park and had an early dinner before heading back to our room. Justin had barely closed the door behind us when he pulled me into his arms. We kissed and grabbed at each other’s clothes, peeling them off before making it to the bed.
“You’re insatiable,” I teased him afterwards.
“It’s been a really long time for me.”
“No one since that girl you told me about yesterday?”
“Yup. She was actually the only person I’d ever been with, until you.” I didn’t like the pang of envy that Justin’s words brought. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You’ve never really talked about your dating past. Except for that guy you lived with before.”
“I like keeping my past in the past.”
“You think I’ll get jealous?”
“Can we change the subject, please?” I didn’t like thinking about the relationships I’d had. All of them had been disastrous in one way or another. It had taken me a long time to wise up about my life and I didn’t like to reminisce about the more painful times when all I’d done was make stupid mistake after stupid mistake.
“Okay, okay. As long as you do something for me.”
“What’s that?”
“Kiss me again.” I had no problem complying with Justin’s request. That night the two of us hardly slept. Maybe it was because we knew it was the last night we’d have completely alone together for a while.
Heading back home after my weekend with Justin was harder than I imagined it would be. My brother wasn’t home, he was probably with his girlfriend, and I envied him for being able to do that. Mike almost never spent a night without Melanie. Most of the time he stayed at her place, sometimes she stayed over ours, but it was different for him. Mike had the bedroom at the front of the house so there was never any reason for me to go to his room. My bedroom was sandwiched between his and the kitchen area which meant he had to walk through my room to get to the kitchen or bathroom. That was a less than ideal situation if you were interested in privacy. And even if that wasn’t an issue, I still felt self-conscious about my apartment.
Over the next few weeks I threw myself into studying during the week so I wouldn’t have to stress about my classwork on the weekends when I was with Justin. Midterms were coming up and I was determined to do well despite the fact that I stayed up late most nights talking to Justin on the phone. I hardly saw Susan anymore since we weren’t taking any classes together. My brother I only saw briefly in passing a few times during the week. Then one random morning Mike surprised me by bringing me a cup of my favorite hazelnut flavored coffee from the deli near our apartment. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when he strolled inside and pulled up a chair next to me.
“What’s up?” I asked, figuring he had something to say to me.
“I’ve been thinking about asking Mel to marry me,” he blurted out.
I almost dropped my cup on the floor. I knew Mike loved his girlfriend, but for whatever reason I just didn’t see my brother as the marrying type.
“Are you going to say something?” he asked, as I sat there staring at him in shocked silence.
“Does Mel know?”
Mike shook his head. “No. And I don’t want her to until I can get her a ring first.”
“Wow! Well I won’t say anything. I promise.” I wondered how my brother was going to be able to buy the kind of ring Mel would be happy with. He made decent money, but engagement rings costs thousands of dollars.
“I just got a promotion at work which means more money. I think in a few months I’ll have enough saved up for a ring. I was thinking about asking her on Christmas.”
“Oh my God.” I stood up to give Mike a hug. “I’m so excited for you.”
“Thanks, J. You think Mel will say yes?”
“Of course she will.”
“Well, if she does, I don’t want you to worry about what’s going
to happen to you, okay? I know you still have a year and a half left of school.”
“You don’t have to put your life on hold for me.” Even though I said it I only kind of meant it. If my brother moved out before I graduated and got my first real job I would be toast.
Despite how happy I was for my brother, my precarious situation consumed my thoughts over the next few weeks. Of course I knew I wouldn’t always have my brother to rely on, but I hadn’t really considered that eventually he’d want to get married and move on with his life instead of living with his little sister.
Justin kept bugging me to tell him what was on my mind, but I wouldn’t. He liked to fix things and I was too proud to accept more from him than he’d already given me. At night when I was supposed to be sleeping my anxious thoughts kept me up. I worried about not finishing my classes on time and not finding a job after graduation. If any of those things happened I had no backup plan. There was no doting uncle or grandparent who would float me a loan until I got on my feet. The only family I’d ever known growing up was my brother and my parents. Every other relative was still in Croatia and it had been so long since my parents had brought me and Mike back for a visit that I barely remembered any of their names and faces.
The weather had been getting colder and colder. The leaves on the few trees that lined the streets in downtown Brooklyn turned orange and yellow and red and then fell off. The days got shorter and store shelves started to fill with boxes of stuffing and cans of pumpkin puree. I hated the holidays and tried my best to ignore that they were on their way. Holidays were for families, and every storefront held a reminder that I didn’t really have one. I didn’t want to be the person who dragged everyone down so I kept my feelings bottled up inside and did my best to act as if nothing bothered me.
Early one Saturday morning it was so cold in my apartment that I refused to get out of bed. Somewhere in the back of my closet the space heater I’d been forced to buy was safe in its box, but I just couldn’t drag myself out from under my pile of blankets— not until I heard someone knocking on my door.
I groaned, wrapped my blanket around myself and got up to see who it was.
“What are you doing here?” I asked shocked to see that it was Justin. I hadn’t remembered him telling me he was coming over.
“I woke up thinking that I really wanted to go and get a cup of coffee with my girl. Figured if I just showed up, you couldn’t tell me no.”
I smiled. “You know I wouldn’t have said no.”
“Why is it so cold in here?” Justin asked as he sat down to wait for me to dress.
“If you would’ve called first then I would have been dressed and ready by the time you got here and you wouldn’t have to freeze waiting on me.”
“I wanted to surprise you,” Justin said. He rubbed his hands together like he was trying to warm himself. “Holy shit, it’s freaking cold in here. Don’t tell me you like it like this?”
“No, I don’t,” I said emerging from my bedroom in a pair of jeans and a sweater. “But it’s not like I have a choice on the temperature. The landlord decides what it gets set to.”
“So you’re telling me it’s this cold in here all winter long?”
“No, sometimes it’s colder,” I said, grabbing my coat from the closet.
A few minutes later Justin and I made it to the coffee shop, where it was nice and warm inside. I’d almost forgotten how nice that felt. We found a small table in the corner and Justin reached for my still cold hand. “What can I do?”
“About what?”
“You can’t stay in that freezing apartment all winter long.”
“Yes, I can.” Justin didn’t seem convinced. “I do have a space heater you know. I just haven’t pulled it out of my closet yet.”
“Those things are dangerous, they catch fire all the time.”
“Justin, can we change the subject, please? I’ve told you a million times, I’m a big girl, and I’ll be fine.”
“I can’t help it, Jess. I worry about you; and you never let me help you.”
“You help me all the time.”
Justin gave me another skeptical look. He’d been offering to help me get another apartment for the past few weeks. I knew I should’ve felt grateful that he wanted to help, but instead I just felt humiliated. “Fine. I won’t bring it up anymore. Anyway, the reason I just sort of showed up this morning is because I had something I wanted to ask you.”
“What is it?”
“I was hoping you’d agree to come to my house for Thanksgiving this year.”
“Your family will be there,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Of course they will be. I thought you might finally want to meet them.”
Secretly I’d wondered when Justin was ever going to introduce me to his family. We’d been dating almost three months and I’d never met a single friend or family member of his. Now that he’d extended the invitation I was petrified by the prospect.
“Your family?”
Justin nodded.
“Did you already tell them you were planning on asking your girlfriend to come over for Thanksgiving?” Justin had said that he told his family about me, but how much they really knew, I wasn’t sure.
“I told them.” Justin took a sip of coffee and then set his cup back down on the saucer.
“And what did they say?” I got the distinct impression that Justin was keeping some vital piece of information from me. I could always tell when he was anxious about something.
“Nothing, really. They all want to meet you. It’s just that, I told you, my mom can be kind of protective. Especially after what happened with my ex.”
“You don’t think she’ll like me?”
Justin fidgeted in his chair. He was doing a poor job at hiding the fact that he was uncomfortable about what he was about to say. “It’s just that I think it’s for the best if you didn’t tell her that much about yourself. If you kept to the basics like what you’re majoring in, how we met, that kind of thing. You can tell her you live in Brooklyn, but maybe don’t mention the exact area. Park Slope is real nice. Just tell her you live close to Park Slope.”
“So you want me to lie?”
“It’s not really a lie.”
“It takes me twenty minutes to get to Park Slope from my house, how is that considered close?”
“The less my mother knows, the better.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. You want me to meet your family so we can get to know each other, but then you don’t want me telling them anything about myself.” It’s not like I was planning on pouring my entire life story out, but the way Justin was talking it made me wonder if he was ashamed of me. It was just one more thing to add to the pile, one more thing for me to worry and feel insecure about, and suddenly, it felt like I’d reached my tipping point.
“That’s not exactly what. . .”
I reached inside my pocket for the few dollars I had and flung them on the table before Justin could explain himself. I stood up and stormed out of the coffee shop. Something had told me all along there was a reason why I hadn’t met his family. I was good enough for a weekend of fun, and that was about it. Hot tears streamed down my face as I marched down the street and towards the subway station. I could hear Justin calling my name, but I ignored him and kept walking faster and faster. Halfway down the stairs of the closest station I felt Justin close his hand around my arm. I spun around to face him.
“Let go.”
“Not until you tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
“What is going on is that I want to be alone right now.” I tried grabbing my arm away from Justin, but his grip was firm. A train must have just stopped and let off a load of passengers because suddenly it felt like we were swarmed as people trudged up the stairs knocking into us. I didn’t want to make a scene in public.
“Fine,” I said. “But not here.” Justin followed me down into the train station. I slid my card through the card reader and handed it t
o Justin to do the same. I walked towards the front of the train platform hoping that there weren’t many people around and stood there with my arms crossed in front of me.
“I’m waiting,” Justin said.
“There’s nothing to say. If you’re ashamed of me then I don’t have to meet your family, but I don’t appreciate you asking me to lie to them, it’s like you’re telling me I’m not good enough.”
“That’s not what I was trying to say. It’s just that I know how my mother is and I just want to protect you from her. Once she gets to know you and sees how wonderful and beautiful you are then it won’t matter.” Justin moved closer to me. I could tell he wanted to wrap his arms around me, but I turned my back to him so he wouldn’t see the fresh tears that started rolling down my face. Why was I so angry with him? It occurred to me then what was eating at me. Weeks of worrying about things I had no control over were wearing on me. I was good at keeping my feelings bottled up until something set me off and then I blew up. Between worrying about the fact that I was holding my brother back from the life he deserved, stressing over the loneliness that Thanksgiving and Christmas brought, and the prospect of spending another freezing cold winter suffering through my landlord’s refusal to supply heat I was close to the edge.
“I just think it’s better if I go to Mel’s for Thanksgiving.” I wouldn’t have to pretend at her house. There would be more food than I could eat in a week, there would be music and jokes and laughter and no pressure to act like someone I wasn’t. So what if one of her cousins got drunk and tried grabbing my ass. It would still be a million times easier dealing with that than trying to impress Justin’s uptight family.
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