Faded in to You

by Remmy Duchene

  Even after Abhay arrived to pick them up, he had to wait because Ravinder and Thaddeus couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other in the shower. Ravinder finally tumbled to his back on the bed and laughed.

  “What’s so funny?” Thaddeus asked as he set Ravinder’s clothes beside him. “Get dressed.”

  Ravinder sat up and reached for his boxers. “I’ve dated a few men in my life but none of them ever came back for seconds and for a long time I was okay with that.” He shoved his feet into his underwear and stood to pull them up. “But I’ve had you a few times already today and I still want more.”

  “Is that so?” Thaddeus stopped buttoning his shirt and stood before Ravinder. He wrapped his arms around Ravinder’s hips and pulled him close. “It feels good to be wanted. But you do know I’m an old man, right?”

  “Old man?” Ravinder chuckled and kissed Thaddeus. He dislodged himself from Thaddeus’ arms and reached for his pants. “Not a chance. The things you did to me against that dresser no old man can manage. And where did you learn to do that?”

  “Nowhere in particular. When I want what I want, I tend to do whatever I must to achieve it.”

  Ravinder grinned.

  Finally, they made an appearance and Abhay drove them back to the house for dinner with Priya. It was remarkable how good a cook Priya was. Ravinder, of course, overate. He didn’t think he’d be able to eat anything for the rest of his life. Moaning, he leaned back in his chair, tempted to undo his belt. But he knew that wouldn’t be appropriate.

  They finished and went back to Thaddeus’ place. While he was on a call to someone back home, Ravinder sat in the center of Thaddeus’ bed and Facetimed Lana. Their conversation was short because Lana had a business meeting. He called Alfred next and after listening to Alfred give Darius a kiss, Ravinder then got Alfred to himself.

  “How are you?” Alfred asked.

  “Where do I start?” Ravinder sighed while rubbing the back of his neck.

  “The beginning?”

  “Can I ask you something?” Ravinder asked.

  “Sure.”

  Ravinder climbed off the bed to peek into the hall then closed the door. He took a seat in the center of the massive bed once more and cleared his throat. “What do you feel when Darius touches you?”

  “Everything.”

  “You gotta give me more than everything.”

  Alfred laughed. “Well, having Darius’ hands on me is like… You remember how we used to go to Kosta’s for the cheesecake? Imagine the anticipation you feel, waiting for Anna to bring us our first slice then that sensation as she sets those beautiful blue and white plates in front of us with the biggest slice of cake you’ve ever seen in one serving. Then you watch your pristinely clean fork slice through the very first bite to have it melt sweetly on your tongue.”

  Ravinder moaned.

  “Precisely,” Alfred said. “Darius’ touch is everything. I remember the first couple of times we made love. I craved him like I’d never wanted another man. It terrified me. And it didn’t help that I didn’t think I was good enough or that my mother was a little crazy.”

  “A little crazy, eh? Okay. We’ll go with that.”

  Alfred laughed. “Why the question?”

  “Thaddeus and I slept together—quite a few times.” Ravinder’s cheeks heated. “I’m talking in the bedroom, the bathroom, on the floor, on the stairs—I feel like the biggest slut ever.”

  “He hasn’t complained, right?”

  Ravinder shook his head and peered at Alfred on the screen. “No. I think the dirtier I get in his bed, the hornier he gets.”

  “Shit, you found your very own cum whisperer.”

  Ravinder laughed. He laughed so hard he snorted. “I knew that was going to come back to haunt me.”

  “So, what’re you doing with this guy?”

  Ravinder shrugged. “I don’t know. I want him, Alfred. Not just to have sex with then never see each other again—I want him in some ways that terrify me. Even as I sit here talking to you, I can honestly say I know how you felt that moment Darius started showing interest in you.”

  “And I’m going to give you the same words of wisdom that you gave me. Now, don’t hold it against me if this isn’t word for word. Let yourself enjoy this moment, enjoy him. Don’t let that annoying voice in the back of your head ruin it for you.”

  “Yeah, yeah. We went to West Bengal.”

  “How was that?”

  Ravinder took a breath. “Thaddeus went with me. I was happy he did, because at one point, I thought I was going to pass out.”

  “He’s that supportive?”

  “Yes. You wanna hear the greatest part? He asked me to be his boyfriend.”

  Alfred giggled. “Aww!”

  “Right? It was nice. He was there for me and I don’t know many men who would want to go to that place just so I can get a little closure.”

  “Well, this is good. You’ve chosen well.”

  Ravinder chuckled proudly.

  Alfred changed the topic to Abhay and Priya, and by the time he told Alfred he loved him, Ravinder was exhausted. Thaddeus hadn’t come up to bed yet, so Ravinder took another shower. With a towel wrapped around his hips, he dug through his bag for something to wear to bed. Nerves popped up then and he began wondering if Thaddeus was remaining downstairs to stay away from Ravinder.

  His hands shook on the railing as he made his way to the office. He found Thaddeus tapping away at his keyboard. Folding his arms, Ravinder watched Thaddeus for a moment before clearing his throat.

  Thaddeus looked up.

  “You coming to bed?” Ravinder asked.

  “What time is—? Damn. Sorry. Time got away from me.”

  “I thought you were just going to call a friend. How did you start doing work?”

  Thaddeus smiled then tapped at the keys a few more times before closing the laptop. He leaned back in his seat but Ravinder didn’t move. “Sorry, okay? I knew you were on the phone so I wanted to give you some space.”

  “Space?” Ravinder eased off the frame and took a few steps into the office. He stood before Thaddeus’ desk. “I guess.”

  “Ravi?”

  “Hmm?”

  “What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

  Ravinder wasn’t sure of the answer to that, so he took a breath. “I’m not sure. I’ve never had a self-esteem issue, but you are so unreadable I…” Ravinder sighed and, instead of sitting on the desk where Thaddeus could touch him, he fell into the large sofa across from the desk.

  “Ravinder, I’m a straightforward man. If you have something to say, say it.”

  “I don’t want you to think I’m some kid who gets fucked and wants to cling on.”

  Thaddeus arched an eyebrow just before pulling his beautifully, thick lips into a thin line.

  “I want…” Ravinder stopped and rested his head on the back of the sofa. He took a few deep breaths and remained that way until he could feel Thaddeus standing over him. Drawing his legs up, he faced his lover. “You want a real relationship with me, right? I mean—you think you want one, at least…right? It’s not too early to have that conversation?”

  “No. It’s not too early to be clear on what we both want out of this.” Thaddeus sat beside Ravinder and took his hand. “You hear about these horrible things happening to men who sleep around and that’s really not something I want. I don’t share and I don’t play well with others. And if I’m to be honest, I can’t multitask to save my life.”

  Ravinder blinked.

  “What I’m trying to say is, yes. I’d like to give this relationship thing with you a try.” Thaddeus dragged a finger across Ravinder’s cheek and smiled. “Sure, I would much rather start this back home where I can take you out on a date, hold your hand in public, kiss you—it’s amazing how we take that for granted.”

  Ravinder nodded. “Until we’re home again, I can live with your secret.”

  “Which brings us to when you go home.” />
  “My contract is two years.” Ravinder shook his head and rose. Walking to the window, he tossed his hands up. “I never did have very good luck or timing.”

  “Look, I’m heading back to Bathsheba to attend a wedding—”

  “Who?”

  “Darius Stark.”

  Ravinder turned and tilted his head. “You know Darius?”

  Thaddeus nodded. “Yeah. I worked for him for a while. We aren’t super tight or anything.”

  “Small world. His fiancé is my best friend.”

  “You and Feng?” Thaddeus asked. “That is amazing.”

  Ravinder nodded. “I’m heading back for that too—care to be my plus one?”

  “My pleasure.”

  “But you’ll be by yourself for a while,” Ravinder said. “I’m the best man for Alfred, so I have duties.”

  “It’s fine.” Thaddeus approached him to caress his shoulder. “Come to bed, baby.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next few days melted by. Work was beginning to become a regular routine, something Ravinder enjoyed. The heat became even more unbearable, but the sunsets were to die for. He spent the days at the office, building up Rajput in the security world, and at nights, he lay in Thaddeus’ arms, wondering if he was truly meant to be happy. Then Thaddeus’ best friend came to visit and Ravinder began making himself scarce. The last thing he wanted to do was take time away from that friendship.

  Ravinder began spending a lot of time at his place with Abhay and Priya. They took trips out of Mumbai to see the sights and for Ravinder to see a part of India he wouldn’t have if he’d stayed by himself. They ate delicious foods in strange places and met people who Ravinder learned wonderful things from. One night, they even went dancing at an underground pub that was raided by the cops twenty minutes after the three had left it.

  After exiting the pulsing nightclub, the three had bought chicken wrapped in naan then went across the street to eat it in the car. Ravinder watched with dread as cops stormed the makeshift club.

  “What’s happening?” Ravinder had asked.

  “They are our equivalent to SWAT.” Abhay bit into his sandwich. “They are about to close the club down. It makes no sense, because, in a few days, the club will open up in a new location.”

  “Yeah, I’d never try that again,” Ravinder said.

  Priya had chuckled and wrapped an arm around Ravinder.

  Abhay and Ravinder managed to get the application done for Abhay to go back to school and had set up a new work schedule with Rajput just in case he got accepted into the computer science program again. They still had to talk to Ko, Thaddeus’ friend, about a job for Priya but Ravinder figured that would happen in good time.

  Standing on the deck, he stared at the setting sun, dreading going back to Thaddeus’ place. He wanted alone time with Thaddeus, but didn’t want to seem needy. He took a deep breath and dragged his fingers through his hair. The pool looked inviting, but he didn’t have a change of clothes. Ravinder sighed and bowed his head.

  “You seem like a man with a lot on his mind.”

  Ravinder inhaled and chuckled before turning around to look at Priya, who was extending a glass to him. He accepted it and took a sip—nothing beat an extremely cold glass of soda in the Indian heat. “Something like that. Thanks for this.”

  She smiled at him. “So, what has you so turned about?”

  “You mean turned around.”

  “What?” she asked.

  Ravinder shook his head. “Nothing. You know about Thaddeus and me, right?”

  “That you are lovers? Yes. It is kind of hard to miss. For him, it’s the way he stares at you with this almost primal look in his eyes. I know I might sound silly, but I have always dreamed of a man caring for me like that.”

  “You’re seeing things.”

  “Really?” Priya asked, cocking a hip. “I am not blind, nor am I crazy.”

  “I didn’t mean…” Ravinder rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just trying to point out that a man won’t ever look at me the way you think Thaddeus does.”

  “I may still be a virgin, Ravinder,” Priya said softly, a blush coloring her cheeks. “But I know when someone feels something carnal for someone else. It’s all in the eyes, in the way he walks when you’re by his side. I wish that for my brother. I know he thinks I blame him for all of this, and at first, I did. But after a while, I realized he couldn’t control being gay.”

  Ravinder took a seat and leveled his eyes on Priya. “Trust me, Priya. You’re right. No matter what your father says, being gay isn’t something we choose. We don’t get up one day and say, ‘You know something? Today I feel like losing everyone I love, being discriminated against, being called every offensive name in the book and unable to love who I love.’”

  “When you put it that way…”

  “Your brother loves you. Gay or not, he thinks the sun rises and sets in you. You shouldn’t turn your back on that.”

  “I won’t. And do not change the subject. You are helping Abi and me get back on our feet. But your happiness is important too. You do not find a man who looks at you the way Thaddeus does every day.”

  “But it’s too soon. Timing is…”

  “Not everything. Sometimes things take a long time, yes, because they are complicated. Other times, it is like this and, as you say, a no-brainer.”

  Ravinder took a long drink from his soda then burped. “Excuse me. You think I should fight to keep Thaddeus in my life?”

  “Of course. Is he not amazing in your bed?”

  Ravinder blushed. “Yes, he is.”

  “And he is responsible, and gentle and loving…”

  Ravinder got the point. If he let Thaddeus go, he’d be a complete moron. Sure, Thaddeus said he wanted to stay, he wanted to build something special, but Ravinder was scared.

  “Do not be afraid, Ravinder. Trust me. You are much too fabulous for that.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself.” Ravinder leaned across to kiss her cheek then cradled her face. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  Ravinder smiled. “For giving me a verbal butt-kicking.”

  Priya laughed and kissed his head. “You would have done the same for me. Now, go see your man and stop hiding out here. I am sure he misses you.”

  “I’m not hiding.”

  “Ha!” Priya laughed before stepping back into the house.

  Smart ass.

  But Ravinder smiled. He’d never had a sister and the more he thought about it, the more he was certain if he had one, he’d want her to be just like Priya.

  Alone with his thoughts, Ravinder finally decided to give Thaddeus a call. For a long time, he sat with his cell phone in his hands, staring down at it as if it were a foreign object. Priya’s words echoed through his head, pushing him to do precisely what his heart desired. “Abi!” he hollered, rushing through the door and grabbing his keys and wallet. “Abi!”

  “What is the matter?” Abhay skidded to a stop at the door to the living room. “Are you okay?”

  “I could, quite possibly, be losing my mind,” Ravinder said with a wide grin. “But we have to go.”

  “Go? Go where?”

  “To Thaddeus’ place.”

  Without question, Abhay led him out of the door, and Ravinder climbed into the backseat. Even though they moved pretty quickly through the streets and traffic, Ravinder still found himself tapping his foot incessantly on the floor. His palms were once again sweaty and all he could do was rub them nonstop against his thighs. The car had barely come to a stop before he shoved from the vehicle and was knocking on Thaddeus’ door. When it opened, Ko answered it. Ravinder spared him a hello then tore through the hall calling for Thaddeus.

  Thaddeus stuck his head out of the kitchen with a concerned look on his handsome face. “Baby? What’s the matter?”

  “Can we talk?”

  Ko’s footsteps carried down the hall behind him. “Is everything okay with you two?”
>
  “Yeah,” Thaddeus replied, meeting Ravinder’s gaze. “You wanted to talk…”

  “Alone?” Ravinder stressed.

  “Um…” Thaddeus tilted his head while glancing around Ravinder to Ko. “Sure… Come.”

  “I’ll go back to watching Indian TV,” Ko said.

  Ravinder followed Thaddeus into the office and closed the door behind them. He inhaled and licked his lips. For a long time, neither of them spoke. Ravinder was too nervous and Thaddeus looked worried.

  He rolled his left shoulder. “I’m sorry,” Ravinder managed.

  “What are you sorry for now?”

  “Damn, I’ve been saying that a lot, haven’t I?” Ravinder asked. “This time it’s because I’ve been weird for the past few days. I see Ko and the way you guys are together and I guess I…”

  “Come on, Ravi. There’s no need to be coy around me. The only time you should be at a loss for words is when we’re in bed. So tell me. You got jealous.”

  Ravinder hung his head. “I don’t know why, because I’m the same way with Alfred. I guess I got cold feet too and that was my way of dealing with it.”

  Thaddeus smiled. “Okay?”

  “Thaddeus I…”

  “Look,” Thaddeus said. “Before you say whatever it is that you’re about to say, I should tell you a few things about me.”

  “O…K?”

  “I’m not trying to put a damper on anything or trying to be difficult, but I find it easier to just put all my cards on the table so you can make a sound decision about what we’re doing here.”

  Ravinder dragged his fingers through his hair and nodded needlessly. “I see. I’ll bite. What kind of things?”

  “You said when we met that you knew who I was… How much do you know?”

  Ravinder took a seat because his knees were threatening to give out under him. The serious tone of Thaddeus’ voice was beginning to scare him. “Well, I know you were a black-hat who got busted by the feds. You spent a little time in prison.”