When You're Ready

by Danielle, Britni

  “You look like shit.” Roxy walked over and sat beside me.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, hoping she’d get up and go for a smoke like she always did, but Roxy didn’t budge. “Look, I’m exhausted, okay? I’ve been busting my ass here, working on a huge paper for one of my classes, and I’ve had like five hours of sleep in the last two days. I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes. So, can you leave me alone, please?”

  “Sorry to break it to you, Nola, but that’s not gonna work.”

  “Well, I’m going to try anyway,” I said, my face still resting on my thighs.

  “Okay, but in a few minutes Ross will be in here and back on your ass again. If you mix up another order he’s gonna lose his shit,” she chuckled to herself.

  I groaned. Ross had already pulled me aside and told me to get it together, or else. I wanted to ask, or else what? But I held my tongue. He made me feel like I was always walking on a tightrope, and at any moment I’d lose my balance and things could come crashing down. I couldn’t afford to lose my job, but I was dancing so close to the edge of delusion I almost didn’t care.

  “I just need a few minutes, Roxy, then I’ll be fine.”

  I closed my eyes and heard Roxy get up, grab something out of her locker, and plop back down next to me.

  “Here’s what you need.” She slipped a small, white pill into my hand and I immediately gave it back. Roxy was not about to turn me into some tragic after school special.

  “Uh, thanks, but umm, I don’t do drugs.”

  Roxy cackled. “Relax. It’s not heroin or anything, Nola. Just Adderall. It’ll help you focus and stay awake.”

  “Nah….I don’t think so. I just need a few minutes of shut-eye and I’ll be back on my feet.”

  Roxy shrugged and popped the pill in her mouth. “Suit yourself. But that catnap isn’t going to cut it. I’ve been taking these for years, popping a couple whenever I need a little pick-me-up. I just figured you needed something to get you through the day.”

  “Thanks…but I’m not trying to get addicted to anything; I’m too poor,” I said, hoping to turn the whole thing into a bad joke.

  The truth was, my father’s overdose scared the shit out of me and made me think I was one failed experiment away from being strung out. I’d spent my whole life avoiding weed, Ecstasy and any other drugs people my age normally tried when they were feeling rebellious. While other kids got high at parties and enjoyed themselves I was always terrified that one hit would turn me into a junkie, always in need of a fix. I had enough baggage weighing me down, I didn’t need to add drug addict to the mix.

  “Chill out, Nola. It’s not meth,” she chuckled and shook her head. “You’re not going to turn into some pathetic crack whore. I got these from my doctor; I have a prescription, you know?”

  I massaged my temples. I already felt like death warmed over and I knew there was absolutely no way I would make it through the rest of my shift without an insane amount of caffeine, an unhealthy number of energy drinks, or whatever was in Roxy’s little pills. All of the options were bad, so I picked the one I thought would cause the least damage.

  “Fine.” I stuck out my hand and Roxy dropped three small tablets into my palm. “But if I die, I’m totally going to kill you.”

  She threw her head back and laughed, exposing her tongue ring. Roxy was a beautiful girl, but she tried to bury it under layers of heavy black-eye liner, colorful tattoos, and way too much attitude.

  “You’ll be fine,” she said, softening her expression for a millisecond, “but don’t take them all at once. Space them out, okay?”

  My face turned pale and I gave Roxy a hard look. “Maybe…I just shouldn’t take them at all.” I surveyed the pills in my hand, they didn’t look harmful or like they’d turn me into a raving lunatic, but how could I be sure?

  “Relax, Nola. They won’t kill you but you have to see how your body reacts. Take one and see how you feel. When you start to get tired you can take another one. If you don’t feel anything within the next hour or so, take the second one and see if it helps.”

  I couldn’t believe it; I was actually going to take drugs—from Roxy of all people. Is this what I’ve been working so hard for? It didn’t feel right, but what other choice did I really have? It was either take the pills and keep my job, or pass out from exhaustion and end up unemployed. The little pills seemed like the best of a host of really horrible options.

  I nodded, half-listening to Roxy’s instructions and cursing my parents for messing up so royally I was in this position in the first place. I told myself this foray into drug use would only last long enough to get me through the day, nothing more. I wouldn’t turn into one of those pill-popping students who used any excuse—midterms, a research paper, a frat party—to dabble in drugs. I’d been able to make it this far without pharmaceuticals, and I knew I could do it again—just not now.

  Roxy put her fingers to her lips, giving me the international “smoke break” sign and left the room. I rolled the pills through my hands, giving myself one last chance to change my mind. Before I could toss them out—or take one—my phone buzzed.

  Scout: Hey beautiful, how’s work going?

  I smiled, Scout always had a way of brightening my day and making me feel better, even when I felt like absolute shit.

  Nola: It’s going…

  Scout: Need me to come get you? I know you hardly slept last night; I could barely get out of bed this morning myself. How far did you get on your paper?

  Nola: I’m okay. Just trying to make it through the day. Wrote about 5 pages, so 15 to go. Yay me!

  Scout: Good girl. Customers behaving themselves?

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

  Nola: So far, so good.

  Scout: Good. I don’t want to crack any skulls.

  Nola: You’re silly. Hey, gotta get back to work, ok? See you at midnight?

  Scout: You know it. I’ll be coming from my boy’s bachelor party. They’re gonna give me shit for leaving early.

  Nola: Then don’t. I’ll catch a ride.

  Scout: Nope. No Uber drivers, Nola. I already told you about that.

  Nola: I’ll ride with someone here. Stop worrying, I’ll be fine.

  Scout: Forget that. I’ll see you at midnight.

  Nola: Noooo! Hang with your friends. You’ve been giving me a ride every night for how long now? Enjoy your night!

  Scout: I dunno Nola. You know I worry about you.

  Nola: I know, and it’s sweet, but I’ll be fine. I’ll get a ride from one of the girls.

  Scout: You promise?

  Nola: Cross my heart.

  Scout: Maybe I can stop by after you get home?

  Nola: Scout, seriously, have fun with your friends.

  Scout: I’d rather have fun with you.

  Nola: :) me too. But I gotta get back to work, k?

  Scout: Ok. Call me later.

  I slid the phone into my apron and dragged myself out of the break room. Before I headed back onto the floor, I stopped in the kitchen, popped one of Roxy’s tiny pills into my mouth and chased it with a glass of water. I told myself whatever Adderall did couldn’t possibly make me feel any worse than I did in that moment, or so I hoped.

  * * *

  Scout

  I sat in a swanky hotel suite perched high above Hollywood Boulevard watching a cute redhead gyrate on my lap trying to get me hard. I smiled as she unbuckled my pants and attempted to slip her hand in my boxers, but I was having a horrible time. Everyone around me whooped and hollered as she struggled to work my dick free, no doubt so she could slip it in her candy-painted mouth like her co-worker had just done to one of the groom’s friends.

  Bachelor parties had a way of bringing out the worst in men who were too liquored-up to remember, or care, they had wives or girlfriends back home. But not me. While the other guys indulged in a little extra-marital sucking and fucking, I wondered how long I had to sit through this shit before I could go see Nola.


  If Fernando weren’t my boy I wouldn’t be here in the first place, I’d be sitting in a booth in Nola’s section watching her flutter through Pink Taco like a dazzling butterfly delivering drinks and smiling at customers like she actually cared. Thing is, I think she does. When Nola smiles it’s as if all of her problems melt away and her only goal in life is to get you to smile back. It works too.

  My heart picked up the pace and beat faster, and my dick swelled just thinking about her. The redhead in my lap probably thought my sudden arousal was about her dance moves, but it wasn’t. It was all about Nola. Since meeting her, my mission in life had somehow become to ensure she was safe, looked after, cared for. Nola said she didn’t have anyone in the world, but she had me, and I was determined to prove to her that she wasn’t on her own.

  When the dancer tried to kiss me, I’d had enough. There was no way in hell I was letting her get anywhere near my lips knowing her mouth had been on a few other guys at the party. I struggled to my feet, zipped up my pants, and headed to the wet bar. I poured myself a Jack and Coke and watched the debauchery unfold.

  A few minutes later Jason walked up and clinked my glass.

  “Can you believe that bastard is getting married?” He shook his head in disbelief.

  Of the three of us, Fernando was the most likely to get married first. Before Nola, I was too fucked up in the head to trust anyone, and Jason was still too busy sleeping with the leftover groupies of whatever celebrity he was working for at the time. Fernando was the only one who had always seemed ready for commitment, even when we were younger.

  He’d been with his fiancée since he was 20, and the only reason they hadn’t gotten married right after they met was because she wanted to wait. After he proposed I asked him how he knew Zoe was the one he could be with forever and he just looked at me and shook his head wistfully.

  “I just knew,” he said. “From the moment I saw her. I knew she was my forever.”

  “But how?” I pressed, unsatisfied with his answer. Before he met Zoe, Fernando had been as much of a player as Jason and me, but she had breezed into his life and changed all that. “How did you know she wasn’t just another girl?”

  He leaned in close like he was about to the secrets of the universe. “When it happens, you’ll know.”

  At this time I thought Fernando was bullshitting me, but after meeting Nola, I was starting to believe he was right.

  “Yo, Scout,” Jason said, bringing me back to the present. “You’re zoning out over there. Everything okay, man?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m just shocked Fernando’s finally getting hitched.”

  “Man, the way you were talking the other day you might be next!” Jason chuckled and poured himself another drink.

  His words swirled through my head, and strangely, they didn’t make me panic. I had already imagined Nola and I building a life together, but getting married never crossed my mind. I wanted to her around all the time, but forever?

  “We’ll see, man….we’ll see,” I told Jason, sipping my drink.

  “Have you talked about being more than her friend yet?”

  “Not yet, man.” I swished the dark liquid around my mouth, then finished the rest of it. “But we’re going to talk about it soon, real soon.”

  Jason pounded my fist then rejoined the other partiers. I checked my watch, it was just after 1 a.m. and I still hadn’t heard from Nola. I asked her to give me a call when she got home, but it had been an hour since the restaurant closed and I still hadn’t heard from her. Strange.

  I wanted to bolt out of the party and head to her place, but decided to text her instead.

  Scout: Hey, beautiful, home yet?

  I hit send and waited for Nola’s happy-face reply. Whenever I texted her she usually got back to me in a few minutes, and if I was lucky, a few seconds. But twenty minutes later, there was still no response.

  I stepped out on the terrace and gave Nola a call, but she didn’t pick up. “Shit!” I slammed my hand down on the bannister, frustrated and pissed I couldn’t hear her voice.

  “What’s going on, man?” Jason asked, concerned. I was too caught up in trying to get Nola on the phone I didn’t noticed he was smoking a cigar on the balcony.

  “Nothing, man. I’m just bugging.”

  I shook my head, trying release the tension building in my skull. It was unusual for Nola to ignore my texts and my calls, especially when she wasn’t working. I tried to shake the feeling that something was wrong, but it wouldn’t leave. A million things ran through my head. Maybe she was in the shower, maybe the restaurant had to stay open late, maybe she had fallen asleep, maybe she had gone out with her friends, maybe she was with someone else…

  “Oh fuck no,” I said aloud at the last thought. Nola could not be with anybody else; my fragile heart—which refused to cling to anyone but my boys—couldn’t bear the thought of it.

  “What’s up, man? What’s wrong?” Jason asked again.

  “She’s not picking up, Jay.” I called Nola again, listening as the phone clicked over to her voicemail without even ringing.

  “Ah, shit,” Jason chuckled. “See what I mean? You’re next, bro.”

  I ignored his teasing and texted Nola again: ARE YOU OKAY? CALL ME!

  I paced back and forth, trying to calm myself down. I knew I was behaving like a psycho all because Nola hadn’t called me back as fast as she normally did, but still, I couldn’t help it. If she was hurt, or in danger, or—God forbid—with somebody else I would fucking lose it.

  Jason put his hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. “Scout, relax. It’s damn near 2 a.m. You said she had to work a double shift today, right? She probably crashed as soon as she got home. Go pour yourself another drink and call her in the morning, man.”

  The rational part of my brain knew Jason was right; Nola was so exhausted she was probably sound asleep. My gut, on the other hand, told me something else entirely. I’d seen Nola after she’d just gotten off of work before and she never failed to send me a quick text or talk to me while I drove home, even if she was bone tired. Whatever was going on was out of character and it didn’t feel right at all.

  I was about to try Nola again when my phone rang. I picked it up without even looking to see who was calling.

  “Nola? Baby is that you?”

  “Umm, no. Is this Mr. Scout Clayborne?” the woman on the other end of the line asked.

  Dammit, it wasn’t her. I rubbed my temples and sighed. “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “Hi, I’m calling from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center about Ms. Nola Chambers.”

  My breath hitched in my throat and I couldn’t breathe or speak.

  “Hello? Mr. Clayborne?” the woman said. “Are you still there?”

  I exhaled. “Yes, yes, I’m here.” My heart beat wildly in my chest and my stomach knotted around itself. “What happened?”

  “Sir,” the woman said, her voice neutral and unnerving, “there’s been an accident.”

  16 Scout

  Slow down. That was Jason’s warning to me when I got off the phone with the woman from the hospital and tore through the party on my way out the door. When I reached the elevator, I repeatedly punched the button so hard I thought it would crack. When it didn’t come fast enough I raced through the hall trying to find the nearest stairwell.

  “Yo, Scout! Slow down, man,” Jason said when he finally caught up to me three floors down. “What the fuck just happened?”

  I took the stairs two and three at a time, not bothering to explain why I’d suddenly run out of Fernando’s party without saying a single word. I didn’t have time to fill Jason in; I needed to get to Nola.

  My gut instincts never led me astray and I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t get her on the phone. But an accident? I never expected that.

  When I finally got to the ground floor, I gave my claim ticket to the valet attendant and waited for him to bring my car around. I paced back and forth, a flurry of questions racing
through my brain: What the hell had happened? Why was Nola in the hospital? Was she okay? By the time Jason found me, I was outside mumbling prayers for Nola’s safety.

  “Scout, man, what’s up?” he asked, winded. He must have trailed me down all 14 floors. “What’s going on?”

  “An accident,” I said, trying to keep it together. “Nola’s been in an accident.”

  “Damn, is she alright?”

  “I don’t know. They didn’t give me any information. All I know is that she’s at Cedars.” I kicked the valet stand pissed off the guy still hadn’t returned with my car. “Where the fuck is this guy?”

  “Relax, Scout. I know you’re upset, but you can’t go all Incredible Hulk out here.” Jason grabbed me by my shoulders to keep me from flipping out. “Okay, man?”

  “Yeah, man, yeah,” I muttered. “I just…I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s—“

  I couldn’t finish my sentence. I didn’t want to verbalize any of my fears about what could have happened to Nola, frightened they might actually come true. I’d only known her a short while, but in that time she’d become the most important thing in my life—more than coding, more than my company, more than my boys.

  Fernando had warned me that when I met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I’d just know. And as I waited for the valet attendant to return with my car, my feelings for Nola were becoming abundantly clear.

  She was it.

  “It’ll be okay man,” Jason said, turning my attention back to the present. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

  “How can you be so sure?” I growled. “I need to hurry up and get there. She needs me!” I looked around for the attendant. “Where’s this fucking guy” I kicked the valet stand again, frustrated and pissed.

  “What she needs is for you to calm down, man. How are you going to be able to see about her if you’re locked up for destroying property?”

  Jason had a point, I needed to control the rage building in my chest, but if I let it go, sadness and fear would take its place. I ran my hands through my hair and Jason pounded me on the back, trying to get me to calm down. I wanted to hit something. I could have torn a door clean off its hinges, or pounded the valet stand until it broke to pieces, but that wouldn’t help Nola. I needed to get to the hospital to find out what the fuck was going on with my girl.