A Million Times Goodnight

by Kristina McBride

  31

  BROOKLYN SIMPSON’S BACKYARD – 3:52 AM

  “BEN BADEN.” Josh shook his head. Moonlight streamed through the clouds overhead, painting him a silvery blue. “I can’t believe what a bastard that guy is.”

  I backed out of the photo album on Ben’s phone, scanning the folders one last time—Sydney, Jules, Becky, Treen. Hadley. And, of course, Penny.

  “He’s the worst,” I said, still feeling a tiny pang of guilt. As horrible as Ben was, I knew he was trying to keep me safe in his own twisted way.

  Josh and I were sitting on a trampoline in the middle of Brooklyn’s backyard, legs crossed, facing each other with our knees touching. I’d explained everything, starting with my year-old lie about girls’ night, not stopping until I’d gotten through the threat Ben had left for Penny and how it tied into the pictures on his phone. I expected the earth to tilt with my confession—for the stars to fade away. But the planetary alignment remained steady, and the stars continued to wink above us in the blue-black sky.

  And Josh didn’t get angry. He just listened, taking it all in.

  “Ben drugged her,” I said. I couldn’t understand why. Then again, there was nothing in the world that could make sense of the things Ben had done.

  “That night, when Penny walked up to the tower, it was because of the pictures. Because Ben had threatened her and Tyler. Because of their argument. But it all started with me lying to you.”

  Josh’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t follow.”

  “It’s not your fault.” I took a deep breath. “Penny. The accident. It’s Ben’s fault. And my fault. But not yours.”

  “Hadley, you can’t blame yourself.” Josh reached out, brushing his fingertips across my chin, making my entire body tingle. I had a flickering thought of Sam, but I pushed it away.

  “But you were in the wrong place at the wrong time because I ditched you. If it hadn’t been for me, neither of you would have been on Old Henderson Road. You’d both be living normal lives right now.”

  “There’s more to it than that.” Josh tipped his face to the sky, closing his eyes. “There’s so much more, and I probably shouldn’t tell you the worst part. But if you’ve been blaming yourself all this time, you deserve to know.”

  “Know what?” My voice was whisper soft. I didn’t want to scare him away.

  Josh touched his forehead against mine, his breath washing over me. “I’m going to show you something. Something I haven’t shown anyone. Ever.”

  “What is it?”

  Josh pressed his lips tight and shifted, pulling his wallet from the back pocket of his cargo shorts, shaking the trampoline and me and the whole night sky. I watched as he opened the leather wallet and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

  He reached for my hands, placing the sheet between my palms, squeezing tightly.

  “This changes everything. And at the same time, it changes nothing. Do you understand?”

  “No.”

  “You can’t tell. Anyone. This is a secret, Hadley. You have to help me protect it.”

  A sick feeling churned through my stomach. I didn’t want to read it. Yet I wanted to know.

  But what I wanted didn’t matter when I saw the look in Josh’s eyes—he needed me to read this note, whatever it was. I took a deep breath and unfolded the paper, slowly, carefully.

  Josh pulled his phone out of his pocket and powered it on, a bluish light illuminating the looping script that swept across the unlined page. I was sure it had been torn from one of Penny’s sketchbooks.

  It wasn’t addressed to anyone. The words just started, as if she had grabbed the purple pen and began writing mid-thought:

  Sleep. I need sleep. But I can’t seem to. Not ever. Not anymore.

  I’ve done something I’m ashamed of. I tried to fix it—really, I did—but that only made it worse. I hope you never find out. If you do, you’ll be ashamed, too. I just hope you don’t hate me. Not for anything.

  This seems bad, I know, what I’m about to do.

  But it’s my only way out.

  I’ve picked the most beautiful spot.

  And the best part—before I go, I’ll know what it feels like to fly.

  So if you think of me, picture this—my arms spread wide, the starlight and the moonlight my backdrop, as I soar through the sky.

  Goodnight, goodnight. A million times goodnight.

  P

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I stared at that P, a looping purple letter that seemed irrelevant but meant so much.

  Penny.

  The girl who loved to party almost as much as she loved to draw. The girl who had the foulest mouth of anyone I’d known in all my life. The girl who had felt like an extension of me for as long as I could remember.

  Josh reached out and ran his fingers along my cheek, swiping a strand of hair away from my eyes. “You okay?”

  I nodded, then shook my head. I scanned the letter again, seeing for the first time two numbers in the top right-hand corner of the tattered page.

  4/13

  “Four thirteen?” I asked, my voice cracking. “As in April thirteenth?”

  Josh nodded.

  “Exactly one year ago. She planned it? The whole thing?”

  “That’s what the police think,” Josh said. “That she either hadn’t made it to the top of the tower yet, or had and couldn’t follow through, so she opted for a different way out.”

  I tried to keep up but was having trouble. I saw a trooper wearing a wide-brimmed hat, chomping on a slice of neon-blue gum. The vision was so real, I would have sworn that he was actually there. “The police have seen this? That means the Rawlinses have, too.”

  Josh sighed. “They gave it to me. So I would know the truth. So I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life blaming myself.” He ducked his head, running his fingers over the paper shaking in my hand.

  “But everyone else blames you. And they don’t have to. If they saw the letter—”

  “Like I said, the letter doesn’t change anything.”

  “But if people knew the truth—”

  “That’s the thing. No one can know the truth. Not with all the secrets. Secrets I agreed to keep safe.”

  “But you’re sacrificing yourself, Josh. For what?”

  “She was real,” he whispered. “And she hurt. Her family is still here. Hurting. They asked me to honor her memory by keeping this secret. They don’t want her to be defined by the fact that she decided to take her own life. I’m the only one who can protect her. The only one who can protect them all.”

  I shook my head. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It does, though. It’s the only thing that’s made sense since the accident.” Josh reached for the note, lying half on his lap, half on mine, a wisp of paper so thin it looked as if it might tear in a soft breeze. I wondered how it was strong enough to hold all of that pain. Watching Josh fold Penny’s words back into hiding, sliding them into the darkness of his wallet, a wave of anger burst through me.

  “It’s not fair.”

  “Fair or not”—Josh shook his head—“it’s the least I can do. I can’t change what happened. I owe her family whatever they ask of me.”

  He wouldn’t meet my eyes. He just kept staring at the shadows our bodies created on the trampoline as we hovered over the ground.

  “You can change it. Don’t you see? We can change it.”

  “How?” he asked, his voice cracking. “I killed her. Not like you with your lie. Not like Ben with those pictures. I ran a car right into her. I wasn’t paying attention, Hadley. I was texting you. I wanted to meet up, it’s all I could think about, and I wasn’t watching the road like I should have been. No matter what you say, the whole thing was my fault.”

  Josh tried to pull his hands free from mine, but I squeezed tight and wouldn’t let go. His words funneled into my consciousness, falling into place where they belonged. As if they had been there already and I just had to discover them again. Strangely, it was
the same way I felt about Josh himself. It felt like we had spent the entire night together sorting things out, not just an hour.

  “The Penny I knew wouldn’t want you to live trapped by her choices.”

  Josh stopped trying to pull his hands from mine.

  “You know I’m right. She would hate what she’s done to you.” I pressed my forehead to his. He looked up, his nose grazing mine. “You want to honor Penny? Help me do the one thing she couldn’t.”

  Josh’s eyes crinkled with confusion.

  “Expose Ben. We don’t have to use her pictures to nail his ass to the wall. We can keep her out of it and still take him down.”

  The corners of Josh’s mouth trembled, as if he wanted to smile but had forgotten how.

  “After we get through tonight, we’ll go talk to Penny’s family about the pictures. Together.”

  “Hadley, I can’t—”

  “They deserve to know the truth, Josh. The whole truth. It’ll be hard, but at least they’ll have answers. And once they do—once they face what actually happened—they’ll set you free.”

  “You think?”

  “I don’t just think. I know.”

  Tipping my face up, my lips met his, soft at first, but more insistent as his hands slid their way up my arms, his fingers trailing their way to my neck, twining in my hair.

  I fell back slowly, Josh moving with me, until we were lying together, tangled in each other, the strength of our kiss shivering the canvas of the trampoline and rippling out to the silver glow of the night beyond.

  32

  JUST SOUTH OF THE FLORIDA STATE LINE – 2:56 PM TRIP ODOMETER – 793 MILES

  “HAD-LEY MILLER.” Ben’s voice caused goose bumps to break out all over my skin. “Fascinating that you decided to call.”

  “Hey, Ben,” I said, trying to sound casual, to send him a warning that he had to listen and play along.

  “I’ve been trying to reach you, but you know that already, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, sorry I missed your calls.” My eyes darted to the trooper and away just as quickly. “I was sleeping, and Josh didn’t want to answer the phone since he was driving.”

  “What the hell is going on?” Ben asked. “You sound almost … normal.”

  “There’s a little problem. Nothing to worry about, your car is just fine.” I reached down deep and found a small giggle.

  “Hadley, don’t fuck around with me.”

  “Yes, I’m fine, too,” I said, waving a hand in the air. “You don’t need to turn around and find us or anything.” I paused.

  “Hadley, have you lost touch with reality, because—”

  “I know you’re like an hour ahead, and I swear you can keep going. You just have to talk to the state trooper that pulled Josh over a few minutes ago.”

  “State trooper? You’re kidding, right?”

  “He needs you to tell him that we have your permission to drive your car. And maybe confirm that our little spring break caravan got separated on our way down to the condo.”

  Ben started laughing—the deep kind of belly laugh that can quickly turn out of control.

  “We showed him your registration and proof of insurance already.” I looked up at the trooper and could tell from the way he was chomping at his gum that he was losing patience. I flashed him a smile and held a finger in the air—one second.

  “I’m going to pass the phone over to the trooper now, okay, Ben?”

  His laughter stopped abruptly. “You have my shit?”

  “Only one way to find out,” I said, my voice singsong sweet as I slipped the phone away from my face and leaned into Josh, moving my hand toward the open window.

  The trooper swept the phone from me and, in one swift movement, pressed it against his puffy cheek. “Benjamin Baden?” he asked, his eyes on the insurance card.

  After a beat, the trooper nodded, then turned to look out across several lanes of interstate traffic. “And they both have your permission to drive?”

  Josh sat frozen in the driver’s seat. I wondered what was running through his mind, with that gun tucked into his backpack. The consequences would be disastrous if the cop decided to search the car. But Josh didn’t seem to care. His hands were steady, parked at five and seven o’clock on the steering wheel, his legs and feet also entirely still. Nothing indicated even the slightest bit of anxiety.

  “Right,” the trooper said, nodding. “I see.”

  I sucked in a deep breath, looking out at the yellow-brown grass that bordered the shoulder. I debated shoving the passenger-side door open and running as fast as I could, up the steep hill and across the exit ramp, into the labyrinth of outlet mall walkways tucked just behind a tall sign that reached up toward the sunny Florida sky.

  At least we’d made it to Florida. No matter what he did, Ben couldn’t change that fact.

  “To verify that I’m actually speaking with Benjamin Baden, I’ll need to check the system for your home address and social security number,” the trooper said. He turned and walked back to his car, leaving Josh and me alone again.

  I looked at Josh, watching his eyelashes sweep steadily up and down. “You’re not freaking out?”

  Josh slowly turned his head to face me. “What’s the point?”

  “Um, we could both go to jail. If he decides to search—”

  Josh placed a finger against his lips. “Everything is going to be fine.”

  “How do you know?” I twisted so I could look out the rear window. The trooper was sitting in his front seat, looking at a computer monitor perched on the dash of his car, still holding my phone to his face.

  Josh shrugged. “If Ben was going to bust us, we’d already know it.”

  “He could be talking right now. Telling that trooper how we stole his car and left town. That we crossed a million state lines and—”

  “Relax, Hadley. Ben thinks we have his stash.” Josh smirked. “And I’m sure Roller’s riding his ass. No way that guy is tagging along just for the fun of the chase. If Ben turns us in, he turns himself in. And I’m guessing that part would be easier than facing what Roller will hand down if he doesn’t get what he’s after.”

  “Ben might sacrifice himself to make a point.” I looked back at the trooper and saw that he was twisting in his seat, his legs stretching out to the road as he stood. “It’d be some major payback if he got us busted for his bag of drugs.”

  “You’re forgetting one thing, Hadley. We buried the pills in Kentucky.”

  “But Ben doesn’t know that.” My words were a streaming rush, my eyes locked on the trooper as he walked along the driver’s side of the car, advancing on Josh’s still-open window. “If Ben spills the whole story, that cop is going to search this car. And when he does, he’ll find your gun.”

  Josh’s head whipped up, his lips parted in surprise. “Don’t, Hadley. Don’t talk about that.”

  I wanted to ask a million whys, but the trooper was there—right there—standing at the door. Bending down. Leaning in, the wide brim of his hat bumping the convertible top.

  That’s when I finally saw the signs of fear that had been missing all along, evidence that Josh was aware the situation with the gun was crazy-bad.

  It was in his eyes, the sizzling shade of green like an electric current. I could barely breathe.

  And then there was the trooper, his own eyes ticking from me to Josh and back again, growing more curious by the moment.

  He knew something was off.

  All I could do was sit there, the echo of that word—gun—gun—gun—pinging through the car, threatening to take back every inch we had gained on Ben Baden.

  33

  BROOKLYN SIMPSON’S BEDROOM – 4:37 AM

  “YOU GUYS aren’t going to believe this.” Brooklyn looked over her shoulder as she walked down the hall from the kitchen, three bowls of ice cream balanced in her hands, bare feet slapping the wood floor.

  “So, tell us.” I wished she hadn’t interrupted Josh and me. We’d been ly
ing together, alternating between talking about our current mess, talking about our past mess, and not talking at all. I wasn’t so sure Sam would appreciate the not-talking parts. But sliding off the trampoline, I faced reality, realizing how slim the chances were that Josh and me would ever again be Josh and me.

  “Can’t tell you,” Brooklyn said, starting up the staircase. “It’s something you have to see to believe. Fair warning: brace yourselves.”

  “I’m not sure I like the sound of that,” I said.

  “Just know that you can deal with this.” Brooklyn topped the landing and made her way to her room. “You’re smarter than Ben. Stronger, too.”

  “You have to start with a pep talk? It’s that bad?”

  As she entered her room, Brooklyn gave me a pained look confirming my fears.

  “Finally,” Mia said from the center of the white four-poster bed. She flipped a magazine closed and tossed it on the bedspread before grabbing a bowl of ice cream from Brooklyn.

  “If you’d peeled yourself away from that magazine and come downstairs to help me, it might have gone faster.” Brooklyn set a bowl on the computer desk for Sam, whose fingers were working the keyboard of Ben’s laptop.

  “This Sam chick is on fire,” Mia said, taking a bite of ice cream and pointing her spoon at Sam’s back.

  “It’s true.” Brooklyn plopped herself into a beanbag chair in the corner. “You brought us a keeper, Josh-Man.”

  Sam laughed. “And here I thought you two were nothing but haters.”

  “You’re too brilliant to hate,” Mia said. “For seriously real. You’re almost as good as this ice cream.”

  Sam looked at Josh, then me, and back again. “Everything okay?”

  Josh smiled. “Pretty much.”

  Sam rolled her eyes. “Thank God,” she said, looking directly at me. “He talks about you all the time. It borders on obsessive. I’ve been telling him to call you for months, to man up and—”

  “Okay,” Josh said, his cheeks flushed. “I think we get the point. More importantly, what’d you find?”

  “Something that’ll knock your ass into next week.” Sam swiveled the laptop so we could see the screen, where a website was displayed.