A Friendly Arrangement

  “What do you mean you don’t know?”

  Holly rubbed her temples. “I just can’t think. Everything is either crowding me or coming down around me. All I know for certain is I really can’t make any decisions until I talk to Roth. That’s only fair.”

  “I know what you need.” Hailey pulled her cell from her purse. “Susie, it’s Hail. Is your cottage available?”

  After a few more one-word sentences and some smiles and nods, Hailey hung up. “Susie and Andrew won’t be up at the cottage this weekend. It’s all yours if you want it. You can rest, come up with a game plan, figure things out.”

  “I told you I can’t—”

  “I’m not asking you to make any major decisions, but maybe you can get your thoughts in order so you know what you want to say to Roth.”

  “I don’t know.” Holly scrubbed her hands down her face again and groaned.

  “I do. Let’s pack. Susie said stay as long as you want. Her only requirement is that you agree to put the new knobs on the kitchen cabinets. They’re on the counter. I thought that was an easy trade-off.”

  “But work…Roth’s plants…”

  “Water them before you leave. And you’re a virtual assistant, remember? You can work from anywhere. If you can get away with that, why not work at a beautiful cottage on the beach of Lake Michigan with gorgeous sunrises and even better sunsets? It will help clear your head.”

  Roth stared out the window of the tiny diner. His trip was going well. Even though he had another meeting with one of his gemstone sources in the morning, he was ready to head home. He’d already bought several stones he loved, and he’d even managed to finish up the necklace he’d designed for the women’s shelter.

  He couldn’t wait to tell Holly the details. To show her the necklace. He glanced at his watch. It would be early evening in Michigan. What was Holly doing? He hadn’t had a lot of time to call her—or anyone for that matter—but she had managed to text him that his plants were all well and good.

  He smiled and pulled out the necklace for the shelter he’d just finished that morning. Hopefully the daffodil flower would represent the shelter well. The daffodil symbolized rebirth and new life and suited the work that the women’s shelter did.

  The prototype he planned to give to Holly. He ran his thumb over the painted silver. She deserved it for being his inspiration.

  Holly.

  She’d been on his mind all week. Even when his concentration had been at its highest, an image of her niggled the back of his mind, and her reflection pooled behind his eyelids. At the same time he was nervous over the way they’d parted. They needed to talk. They’d confessed at the beginning of all of this they weren’t interested in a full-fledged commitment with anyone, but he did know he wanted something more with Holly.

  Their next conversation would be huge. Huge in determining what lay ahead for them both.

  He grabbed the roll of Tums he’d been carrying around in his pocket all week and popped two into his mouth, crunching down on the chalky tablets.

  They might not do future, but he thought he might want one. With Holly. Would she agree?

  Holly balanced the plate with the lightly buttered banana bread on top of the thick ceramic mug of hot cocoa as she slid open the sliders leading to the deck overlooking Lake Michigan. Banana bread had become her new thing. The more she baked it, the easier it got.

  At least her kid wouldn’t starve, if he or she could thrive on banana bread alone. Cereal, too. Who knew, maybe she’d add blueberry muffins to her repertoire of kitchen delights. And pizza was a food group. Wasn’t it?

  For the first time since she’d arrived at Andrew and Susie’s cottage, she felt totally relaxed—happy even as she placed her plate onto the little patio table. She smiled as she slid back into the Adirondack chair and propped her feet onto the lowest rung of the railing. The sun had just set, and the bright orange, red, and yellow mixed into a smoldering blend overlooking the blue-gray waters.

  The steam from her cocoa brushed over her face, and she took a deep breath. Hailey had been right to suggest she come up here to get away. After two days she felt calm and more able to talk to Roth when he returned.

  She’d finally accepted her pregnancy. How come she hadn’t connected the dots that antibiotics and birth control didn’t mix? Especially combined with a broken condom. And then, of course, the night of her birthday when they hadn’t bothered to use anything because she’d been on the pill. Although that night was too recent; she’d probably already been pregnant.

  It only takes one time.

  She hadn’t been thinking, so consumed with her lust for Roth. Just days ago she thought telling him she loved him would freak him out and send him running, now the news of a baby would be even worse.

  How had her life turned into such a mess? Not just her job, because that was the least of her worries at this point, but maybe it shouldn’t be. She had a baby that would be top priority now. A job was kind of imperative.

  She took a sip from her mug and licked the froth off her upper lip.

  She’d been such a fool. They’d both been fools for even thinking they could fall into bed together and emotions wouldn’t get involved. But they’d never come into play before.

  Her hand automatically found her stomach. Of course it’d never come into play before. Because none of the other men in her life had been Roth.

  Her one.

  Yes, she’d fallen in love with a man who had made it known from the beginning he didn’t want any part of anything resembling love, commitment—or a baby.

  What the hell was he going to say? Do? She could barely think about it without her heart pounding out of control.

  Heck, she got it. She’d felt the same way. As a matter of fact, she still didn’t know entirely how she felt about all of this. She’d know better after she talked to him. All the bits and pieces would fall into place after that. But right now, everything was too new, she was too raw. She couldn’t think past the next five minutes. And frankly, she didn’t want to.

  In the next instant her mind whirled back to thoughts of a baby. She rubbed her hand to her still-flat belly. Hailey may think she’d be a great mom, but the idea of trying to support herself and a baby terrified her. What if she ran out of diapers in the middle of the night? It’d only be her who could run out and get them, and she’d have to bundle up a baby to do it. Would she know how to calm a baby if he or she got upset and couldn’t sleep? Could she afford medical care for two? She’d need a second bedroom. And what about baths? She might have nieces and nephews, but there were several parts of their care she’d never been involved in. Could she do it? More importantly, could she do it on her own?

  Hailey had assured her once again that if she wanted to work at the law firm, she’d help her get in. They had awesome medical care. But Holly didn’t want a handout from her sister, even if life’s circumstances seemed to dictate otherwise.

  She had one more shot at doing it herself, though. She’d scored a face-to-face interview with a nine-to-five job at a small publishing house on the south side of town. Even though she really didn’t want to leave her virtual business, there were times dreams had to be put aside to do the right thing. If she wanted to make a stable home for herself and her baby—and Roth, if he wanted—then she needed to have a stable job.

  Her virtual business would be there later. She could always come back to it. When the time was right.

  If that’s how things worked out, so be it. If something else came through before then, she’d go over her options again.

  She leaned back and took a large bite of her bread and washed it down with a big swallow of cocoa. The sun sank low in the sky, and a light breeze tickled her bare skin. A blanket might have been a good idea.

  Roth should be home in two days. She’d head back Saturday so they could talk. The text she’d sent him earlier in the day had never been answered, and a sense of dread had followed her around ever since.

  Don’t panic.
He’s busy.

  But that didn’t make this any easier. Things between them that last night had been strained. Was he avoiding her? And if he is?

  Nothing. You couldn’t force someone to talk to you, just like you couldn’t force someone to love you.

  “What do you mean you’re pregnant?” Roth’s tone and the way he looked at her made Holly want to wither up in the corner and die.

  But only for a minute. She stood her full height and thrust her hands low on her hips. It wasn’t like she’d gotten into this situation alone, and she wasn’t going to cower and take blame.

  “What the hell do you mean what do I mean? Pregnant. Do I have to spell it out?” She’d expected that he wouldn’t take this well, but why be so hurtful? “We need to talk this out. Calmly.”

  He took a shaky breath as he ran his even shakier hands through his hair, ripping the tie holding the hair at his nape and tossing it on the counter.

  “I don’t want kids. I’d be a horrible father. You know this about me.” He rubbed the side of his neck. “Hell, you don’t want kids. Or at least that’s what you said. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “I get how you’re leery and afraid. Heck, I am, too. But don’t get angry at me, Roth. I didn’t plan this. Neither of us planned this.”

  His sigh bounced between them. “I know. I just never expected this. The entire time I was gone I knew we’d have a conversation, but never this. I thought we’d talk about us. Everything happening with us. How things have gotten a little more…”

  “Involved than either of us planned?” Her chest ached at his confusion. At least she knew she had fallen in love and had had the time to come to terms with all these changes. All he could see was that their relationship had changed. She’d kind of blindsided him with this baby news. “I don’t think either of us expected that jumping into bed would change things between us so drastically, but that was stupid. Sex changes everything. It always does.” At least when you care about someone as much as I care about you.

  He stared at her blankly. Couldn’t he say something? Anything?

  She swallowed hard, her head throbbing as she sagged into the chair beside his work desk. Her taut muscles were ready to snap. “I understand you’re scared. I’m scared, too. But this isn’t just my decision. We have to figure out what we want to do. Right now I need you. I need you to be that friend to me you’ve always been. I need to lean on you; you can lean on me. Together we can figure this out.”

  “Are you asking me to rescue you again?”

  His cold words were like a slap in the face.

  “This isn’t a rescue mission.” All her strength faded away.

  Their eyes met, and that old feeling of dread reared its ugly head. He didn’t look like he wanted any part of this conversation.

  He grimaced and shook his head. “Holl, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.”

  Anger bubbled up inside of her. She’d tried to be gentle, to give him the news easily and be supportive, but it couldn’t be one-sided. “You don’t think I felt the same? I’m not asking you to help with any decisions this minute. You need to digest everything, come to terms…and then we need to come together and decide—”

  “I’m telling you I can’t do this.”

  “We don’t have a choice.”

  “You don’t want me to make that decision.”

  “This is about more than me and you. This is about our son or daughter.” She rested a protective palm against her tummy.

  “You definitely don’t want me making any decisions regarding a baby. If you want to keep this baby, I’m not sure I can be a part of it. I’m not cut out to be a dad.”

  She could feel all fight draining from her. Feel her heart ripping apart. “But—”

  He shook his head. “Don’t you understand, Holly? I told you long ago that kids aren’t in my future. I don’t want them in my future. I’d be a terrible father…”

  “How do you even know that? You can’t say that. You’re basing everything on the type of father you had; that doesn’t mean you’ll be the same. You have the power to make sure you’re not.” What didn’t he understand? “I’m not asking you to marry me. Hell, I’m not even sure what I’m asking at this point. I guess I want to know if you want to be a part of this baby’s life, and I get your message loud and clear. But now I need help in deciding if I can do this alone. Or would it be more responsible of me to put him or her up for adoption?” She choked on the last word. Having a baby terrified her, but thinking of putting her child up for adoption—and never seeing her baby again—scared her even more.

  His face hardened, and his eyes seemed dull and devoid of any emotion. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t. I just—”

  She’d had enough. “Never mind. I don’t need your help, Roth. I wanted you to know about the baby, no matter what you wanted to do. It’s only fair. But if you don’t want to hear about him or her, don’t want to be a part of his or her life, then so be it. I’ll handle the decisions. I’ll do it all on my own.” Part of her died at the realization she’d lost her best friend, but an even bigger chunk of her heart shriveled at the thought she’d lost so much more. The love of her life. That her baby—their child—wouldn’t have a father. That had to be the saddest thing of all. “No matter what I decide…” She waved her hand, blinking rapidly. “Never mind. I’ll take care of everything.”

  “What are you saying? Are you talking adoption, keeping it, or something…”

  “What do you care? You don’t want to make any of these tough decisions. Fine. I accept that. But you’ll have to accept whatever decision I make.” She pushed herself up from the chair and made her way to the door. Tears clouded her vision. The pain scorching through her made it hard to breathe, walk, think. She hadn’t expected he’d take this well, but she hadn’t even entertained the idea he wouldn’t help. At least with decisions. The very minimum being willing to talk things out.

  She’d lost him. Lost everything they’d had for only a few short weeks.

  Her fingers touched the doorknob at the same time Roth’s hand fell on her shoulder. He gently turned her toward him, and the softness filling his eyes and mouth made her choke back a sob. He touched her cheek, wiped a tear from just below her lashes with his thumb, and her lower lip trembled. For a moment a small bubble of hope filled her chest. She didn’t want things between them to end like this. Hell, she didn’t want them to end period.

  “Holly. I love you, but—”

  The words she’d wanted to hear rang in her ears. Did he love her, love her? Or was he talking of the friendship type of love? His eyes told her the truth. He loved her. As in the passionate, all-consuming love. The love she had grown to want, crave, hope for. But the tense line of his shoulders and the way he rubbed at the side of her neck told her the other truth. The bubble burst and sent a wave of despair through her.

  He may love you—but not enough.

  Chapter Twelve

  Holly plopped in a decaf K-Cup—she’d read that caffeine was a baby no-no—and cradled her chin in her palm as she leaned across the counter and watched the Thursday morning clouds dance past the window.

  Had it already been almost a week since she’d talked to Roth? Since she’d told him about the baby, and he’d told her how he’d honestly felt?

  Sure, he was scared, but he wasn’t alone.

  Even in the heat of their fight she’d hoped against hope that he’d change his mind. Come around and talk to her. Help her make decisions.

  Although their dispute was pretty calm by most standards, her body and mind still ached with a numbness that consumed her. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t discuss their situation. They should be doing this together. How unfair that he left this all up to her. She’d never have thought Roth would do something like that.

  Of course, fear could make you do lots of things outside your normal nature.

  But Roth?

  She missed him, even though she told hersel
f not to. He’d made his choice, but maybe if she gave him time to come to terms he’d call. They could talk.

  Or was that wishful thinking?

  She knew about his feelings when it came to children, but that didn’t excuse him from discussing their situation. She hadn’t expected this any more than he had. But sometimes you had to suck it up and be an adult. Figure out what to do.

  Should she keep the baby? Adoption? Those were really the only two choices she’d consider.

  Normally, she’d have discussed all of this with her best friend, but since Roth was her best friend, she had no other options. The realization left her hollow. And Hailey—although her other best friend—had made it clear where she stood on this subject. There was no need to hash anything out with her.

  The scene with Roth still burned, and that he hadn’t bothered to contact her since, even by text, turned her heart black. But she wouldn’t be bitter.

  Not allowed.

  She sipped on her coffee as the steam tickled her nose. What a hell of a week so far. The first twenty-four hours after their fight were a blur. She recalled bowing out of Sunday dinner, telling her mom about the baby, and the tangible shock that seemed to vibrate over the phone before MaryAnn got a hold of herself and took control.

  Her family would be her support and strength, even if Roth wasn’t.

  Although her mom could be a little overbearing, she had a heart of gold and had immediately swung into action.

  Holly smiled as she pictured her mom arming the troops. A steady stream of concerned family had trickled in and out of her life the last few days.

  Mia just happened to be in the neighborhood and thought she’d drop off some tea and a salad. Susie suddenly had a DVD that Holly had to borrow, and her brothers’ continuous stream of texts and jokes were enough to drive her crazy. But a good kind of crazy.

  Then there was Hailey. She’d become the biggest cheerleader in Holly’s life. She’d refused to let her drop so low that she wouldn’t at least shower and down some soup. Hailey had even managed to snuggle her way into Holly’s bed for a little sisterly sleepover.