A Friendly Arrangement

  She wanted this baby. With Roth. Or without Roth.

  Hope spread in her chest. Roth had said he loved her, but he couldn’t do the family thing. All the love she felt for him pounded through her as effortlessly as the waves washing up on the beach. Funny how nature connected her with her deepest desires and thoughts. And at the same time gave her peace of mind, when only days ago she’d been a complete and utter mess.

  She wanted this baby and already loved him or her. And she loved Roth with all her heart and felt sad that he couldn’t get past his fear of fatherhood to take things day by day. To be with her. There was no manual, no rulebook, no map of right or wrong for love.

  And wasn’t that the best part?

  She’d be lost without him, but she’d survive. She had no choice.

  But I hope he’ll change his mind. Please let him change his mind.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Roth dropped into the seat beside Devi. She looked up from the magazine on her lap and gave him a bright smile as her focus shifted over his shoulder.

  “Look at your brother over there.” She nodded to where Jared leaned up against the wall in the plane that separated first class and economy. He flirted with two flight attendants. “I gotta hand it to you Esterly men. Women drop out of nowhere whenever one of you enters a room.”

  “But for Jared they drop in twos.” Roth shook his head as the brunette tucked a piece of paper in Jared’s jacket pocket. Not to be outdone, the tall redhead snatched his arm and pushed up his sleeve, writing something on his skin in a quick flourish. She gave him a saucy wink and turned to stroll off behind the partition with a flirty swing to her hips. The guy collected phone numbers like a bibliophile collected books. Unbelievable.

  “How can Jared score a date on a plane? We’ve only been in the air fifteen minutes.” Devi’s husky laughter layered the small space between them as she returned her attention to the magazine. She had one of those amazing laughs that made you smile and take notice, but it wasn’t as awesome as Holly’s.

  Had it really only been a week since their blowout? He ran his fingers through his unkempt hair and tugged at the wrinkly cargo pants. The second he found that comic book along with his condo keys on his counter all breath left his body. He disconnected from everything around him, and numbness settled in. Holly’s message had been loud and clear. She cared for him—the proof was in the fact she’d left the comic book that hinted at the relationship between Wonder Woman and Superman and also put a bittersweet smile on his face because it brought back memories of that night only weeks ago. The night he’d been her Hot Neighbor Guy and she’d been his Wonderful Woman.

  And that kiss. That kiss that started it all.

  He’d ached for her every minute of every day. His lack of sleep, loss of appetite, and inability to concentrate attested to that—not to mention his diminishing sense of brushing his hair and taking the time to iron. But thoughts of the baby had kept him away. The fear of the unknown, the pressure, and the expectations of fatherhood weighed him down until he couldn’t think straight. He wanted to talk to Holly, but she was probably beyond angry with him. He’d treated her like shit. He knew that, but he didn’t know how to correct the situation.

  He brushed his hands through his hair. If he did work up the courage to talk to her—if she’d even talk to him—what the hell would he say? The thought of a baby still scared the hell out of him. On so many levels.

  He concentrated on Devi’s slender fingers as she licked the tip of one and flipped the page, bending the corner back and forth.

  He didn’t just miss Holly. He loved her. It had hit him so suddenly last Saturday—right before she’d reached the door—he’d actually lost his footing. Panic surged through him as she reached for the doorknob. She’d leave him. Would he ever see her again? In those few seconds the realization that their relationship had shifted again pushed him forward to stop her.

  But his timing in telling her he loved her stunk.

  He’d accepted his feelings as easily as he had their first kiss and had just blurted out the words to ease the pain in her eyes. Except for your lousy timing. His admission hadn’t changed a thing. If anything, her pain became more intense. He’d only made things between them worse.

  What woman wanted to hear a man loved her at the same time he pushed her away because he was…

  Fucking afraid.

  He scrubbed his hands down his face and let out a long, slow breath. He’d never get over the last thing she’d said to him. She’d been right. He loved her, but not enough to put his fear aside. He hated himself for letting fear paralyze him. She probably hated him.

  Uncomfortable in his own skin, he fidgeted in his seat as he raked his hand through his hair and then let it drop onto the armrest with a thump. He tossed his head back against the seat, closing his eyes from the glare of the sun shooting through the small window of the plane.

  The tinkle of what he’d come to recognize as Devi’s bracelets, followed by the comforting warmth of a hand over his, settled his restlessness. He opened one eye to see her peering at him with concern etched between her brows.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “I’ll live.” Just barely.

  “I don’t buy that. I might have only met you a couple of days ago, but something’s off with you. Omar told me to leave you be, but I can’t stand to see someone hurting. And you’re definitely hurting.” She squeezed his hand and gave him a sincere smile. For some reason it reminded him of Holly, even though the two women looked nothing alike.

  Hell, you just have Holly on your mind. Everything and everyone reminds you of her.

  He sighed. “It’s a long story.”

  “And we just took off. I think we have a little time to kill.” She flipped her magazine closed and turned slightly in her seat so that she could see him better. “No pressure. But sometimes it helps to get things off your chest.”

  He swallowed hard. Something about Devi soothed him. Her warm, comforting touch, the strength in her blue-gray eyes, her gentle voice. He trusted her and didn’t even know why. His entire body ached with the need to talk to someone about this. To have some help figuring out his fears. And why he’d acted like such an ass to the woman he loved.

  What the hell is wrong with me?

  “In a nutshell, you could say I’m having woman troubles.” A line of sweat dotted his brow. He didn’t know where to start.

  Her smile warmed her eyes, and she tilted her head to the side. “Who better to help you with woman troubles than another woman?”

  “How practical.”

  She poked him in the shoulder. “I see a spark of humor.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Roth flipped her hand under his and squeezed her fingers. “Omar is a lucky guy.”

  She nodded her head and smiled with bright eyes. “And I’m a lucky girl. But enough about me. Quit stalling. You’re starting to remind me of O.”

  He sighed, rubbing the side of his neck. “I have an amazing woman in my life. We had a strong friendship…and then we made some changes. Our relationship got more intense, and things moved fast, and for the first time ever I can see myself in a relationship. The only problem is I’m afraid.”

  “That’s understandable. It’s hard to think about such a huge change in your life when you’ve never considered anyone but yourself.”

  “It gets better.” He swallowed, trying to gauge her reaction before he’d even told her about the baby.

  “I’m here.” She squeezed his hand.

  “I hurt Holly. I pushed her away the moment she needed me the most. I know why I did what I did, but I couldn’t stop myself. We haven’t talked since she told me about the baby.”

  Devi’s eyes widened for a second, but she recovered quickly. “Okay. So now we have a baby.”

  “We do.”

  “And you pushed her away because you’re afraid. That’s understandable. But you do need to talk this out. What are you afraid of? A baby? How much you
love her? That she doesn’t love you back?”

  “I’m so fucking afraid it hurts. I had so many issues with my father. The way he treated his marriage to my mother. The way he ignored Jared and me. I’d resented Omar for years because of the favoritism, but I only just realized that Leland didn’t make it easy on him, either. He was an amazing businessman, but a lousy husband and father…”

  Her big brown eyes softened, and her shoulders relaxed. “And you think you’ll be the same?”

  His laugh came out hard. “It’s in the gene pool, right?”

  She nodded slowly. “But you’re aware of your dad’s faults. Being aware is the biggest step in preventing a repeat in history. Don’t you think?”

  “Holly said something very similar.”

  Devi’s smile spread across her face, crinkling her nose. “I like her already.”

  “But what if I screw it up? What if I’m not a good father? A good partner to Holly?” Uncertainty burned through him, and he shifted in his seat, his concentration centering on his shoes. “What if I’m overthinking all this, and she doesn’t have the same feelings I have for her? She’s always sworn off love. Maybe she just wants a partner for help with the baby, but not a partner for herself.”

  She lifted his chin and forced him to look at her. “Nothing in life is certain. But wouldn’t it be worse if you never tried? Can I tell you a little story?”

  He swallowed the emotion burning the back of his throat. Unable to talk, he nodded.

  “Did O ever tell you about my dad?”

  “No.”

  “Let me give it to you straight, because that’s how I operate. It might help you decide what you need to do. Okay?”

  “I’m listening.” He brushed his hand through his hair.

  “My mom became pregnant a couple years after she and my dad met. My dad was young—hell, they both were. Younger than we are now. Anyway, my dad wanted to make his mark in the world, and that mark didn’t include a wife and kid dragging him down.”

  Sounds like her dad and my dad have something in common. “I’m sorry, Devi.”

  She shook her head. “Thank you. Anyway, when he finally came to his senses and decided he’d given up the best thing in his life—that he’d pushed away the woman he loved and the miracle she’d given him—it was too late.”

  His gut clenched. He didn’t want to be too late. “How?”

  She let out a breath, and her chin trembled before determination settled in her gaze. “My dad decided to hire a private investigator to track down my mom and me. But the news he got wasn’t what he expected. She’d died in childbirth, and he assumed I had, too.”

  A chill ran up his back. “How did you find each other?”

  “A total fluke. Pure luck.” She waved her hand in front of her face as if drying the sudden burst of moisture brightening her eyes. “My father had his wish. A successful business, but he lost over twenty years with his daughter, and he never found another woman to love like my mother. If you ask him if it was all worth it, he’d laugh in your face and tell you hell, no.” She dabbed at her eyes, and he caught his breath. He didn’t want to be like Devi’s father.

  “Anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is my father regrets that he wasted so many years. Years he could’ve spent with my mom. With me. He can never get that back, and I can’t tell you the pain I see in his eyes, written in his face, whenever we talk about it.”

  Roth couldn’t live with that torture, either. What if something happened to Holly? To their child? He’d never forgive himself. He needed to face his fears head-on if he wanted to have the woman he loved in his life. If he wanted to have so much more. A family. A normal life.

  He wanted to give Holly and their child the chance his father had never given them. Didn’t he? A steel band circled his chest, and he fought for air as fear claimed him again. He dug his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes until Devi cleared her throat.

  She shifted in her seat until they were face-to-face. “You love her. Right?”

  “More than words can describe.”

  She slid the charm on her necklace from side to side with a soft smile. “If I were you, I’d skip this engagement party, rush home, and grab that woman you love and beg her forgiveness. Then be there for that baby. Be the best damn husband and dad you can be. Because I have a feeling you’ll do an awesome job.”

  “That doesn’t stop me from being scared.”

  “I bet she is, too. Maybe even more scared.” She stuffed the magazine on her lap into the pocket of the seat in front of her. “But I bet with each other you can conquer anything.”

  Maybe he could be a good husband—and a good father. If that’s what Holly wanted. Because right now, he’d do whatever she asked. Hell, if Omar could change his ways because of love, maybe he could, too. And Devi was right. He and Holly together would be a force to be reckoned with. With her by his side, he could tackle any fear.

  You’re getting ahead of yourself, Esterly. Who knew if Holly even wanted to get married? Hell, at this point, who knew if she even wanted to hear his voice? The only thing he did know was that she’d never deny him his child, no matter what happened between them.

  But what if he were already too late and all the decisions had been made? She told him she’d handle everything on her own, and suddenly the idea he didn’t have a say or the ability to take part in the decisions killed him. He’d never forgive himself for the pain she must’ve gone through this week. If he thought he’d had trouble sleeping, she’d probably gone through the same. If not worse. He had walked away, but she couldn’t do that. Had her family been there for her? Of course they had. Shit, her brothers and dad probably want nothing more than to kick my ass.

  And who could blame them?

  He closed his eyes and pictured her face that night she left his house. The tears she’d cried. Just knowing he’d made her cry tormented him. And it would until the day he died. Hadn’t he promised himself that he’d never make her cry? That she should always smile and laugh and be happy?

  Panic replaced the excitement coursing through his veins. What an ass he’d been. He’d shoved away the woman he loved, all because he couldn’t come to terms with his own childhood issues.

  You’re more than an ass, Esterly. He’d not only let Holly down when she needed him the most, he’d abandoned her. Left her alone to make some of life’s toughest decisions. Decisions they should’ve made together.

  She’d tried to tell him, but he hadn’t listened. He’d blocked her out, and he hated himself for it.

  He forced down the fear and panic eating through him.

  “What are you going to do?” Devi lifted his chin and forced him to meet her eyes.

  “What if she pushes me away?”

  “What if she doesn’t? Wouldn’t you hate to end up like my father and let so many years pass before you overcome your fear?”

  “I-I—”

  “You’ll never know unless you try. That’s all I can say…” Her words trailed off, and her hand fell into her lap.

  “You’re right.”

  Roth jumped from his seat, nearly cracking his head on the overhead storage. He pulled his luggage from the compartment, slinging one bag over his shoulder as his adrenaline kicked into high gear. He couldn’t wait to see Holly. He’d do whatever it took to earn her forgiveness. Her trust.

  Her love.

  Devi stood and then ducked from beneath him to grab his arm. “Roth, we’re on a plane. Thousands of feet in the air. When I told you to rush home, I didn’t mean this instant. We’re going to have to land first. Unless you can coax a flight attendant into giving you a parachute and opening the emergency door.”

  He laughed and hugged her. “And you don’t mind that I won’t be there to celebrate your engagement?”

  She shook her head, pulling back and palming his cheek. “I prefer a good love story over a stuffy engagement party any day.”

  “Are you telling me that this party was Mom’s idea?”
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br />   She nodded. A fleck of mischief lighting her eyes. “I love that woman, but if I had my way we’d elope. I do have a few surprises planned for our wedding. Nobody will change my mind. Not even your mom.”

  “Devi, this bears repeating. Omar is one lucky man. Thank you for listening and for telling me your story.”

  “And don’t forget giving you a little courage.” She hugged him. “All I ask is you win the girl,” she whispered in his ear.

  And he had every plan to do just that.

  Holly had bowed out of another Sunday dinner but expected Andrew—or maybe Alex—to show up any time with a plate of leftovers. Her mom had made it her new focus in life to make sure she and the baby were eating right.

  She hugged her middle and stared out the bank of windows that filled the wall of the loft. Here, in Susie and Andrew’s beautiful cottage, she stood surrounded by amazing sunsets, mouth-dropping sunrises, and water crashing against the surf in a soothing rhythm—and yet she couldn’t get Roth out of her mind.

  Was he home? Who was that dark-haired woman? How could he have moved on so easily? Had she meant that little to him? Did he miss her? Hell, had he thought any more about her—their baby?

  A piece of her seemed to die a little more each day with all the questions swirling around her head.

  You’ll never know the answers unless you suck it up and ask.

  If nothing else, she and Roth had always been able to talk. She should be able to approach him now and just ask. It had been a week. He should have come to terms by now. At least calmed down enough to talk things through. Like the adults they were. But why hadn’t he tried to contact her?

  Her anger at Roth mixed with her love for him. Her body felt weak, heavy, and her heart ached to the point where physical pain came with each breath.

  She leaned in to the frame of the window and closed her eyes as the last rays of sun heated her skin. Maybe it was time to give it one more try. Time to head home tomorrow. Monday? She couldn’t hide from him forever. After all, they were having a child. He needed to at least make the decision if he’d be in their lives. Or not.