Bernie Fineman, Original Motor Mouth

by Bernie Fineman

  THE BRAKE PAD BERK

  A Mercedes CLK 270 came in for a brake check, and the client says to call him with a quote. Not a problem sir, I told him. The brake discs are grooved and the pads so worn that they’re contacting the discs, there’s no handbrake either, and the warning lights are on. A quote for repairs was given, but Mr Penny Pincher says he can get the work done down the road cheaper. I do not, and never will, back down on price, I’m not in the bartering game, but will always give loyal clients a discount. So he says, ‘Thanks I’ll collect my car later and take it away.’ Oh no, I told him, not without a transporter, as I know that these brakes are lethal. ‘No,’ he insists, ‘I will drive it.’ Now the car is in my garage. If he has an accident it looks very bad on me to allow a car on the road in this dangerous condition, I’d be as culpable as him if anything happened. So, I have to protect myself and other road users and inform him that I will have to call the local police about the condition of the car. OK, he says. I do this, he collects the car and drives off, then gets stopped by the police just opposite the garage, who impound the car under the Dangerous Vehicle Road Traffic Act. It ended up costing him double plus recovery and I refused to have the car in the garage for the repairs. I am no snitch, but it could be my family driving in front of him, when he has no brakes on his car.

  A FACE FULL OF AIR BAG

  Never treat a car roughly, for sometimes they get their own back. We had a client with a Mini Cooper, and he said the horn worked only intermittently. On the steering wheel are the horn contacts and the air bag. When we stripped it down, the fault was found to be the internal contacts. I gave him a quote for a new air bag and contacts plus fitting, but the job was declined and the car collected. The next morning the same car is brought back on an AA truck. This clown had been trying to hoot another motorist, and out of frustration when it didn’t work, he bashed the centre of the steering wheel so hard it activated the air bag! He got a face full of air bag, a fright, and a bigger bill for a replacement and initialisation of the new unit.

  STEAM-CLEAN CATASTROPHE

  A customer comes in with his pride and joy, his Audi A8. It’s immaculate, we service the car and he requests an engine steam clean. Now, with all the modern day electronics, the worst thing you can do is get water in the electronics, so the client takes the car after our service to one of those Car Wash places that do everything from valet, steam clean and sales as well. He had it done, was charged £15.00 and, of course, after that the car would not start. He called me, said as it was serviced two days ago and the fault was our responsibility. He strangely forgot to mention the steam clean. The RAC recovered the car to us. The electronics were a mess, the cleaners had literally sprayed over the water with WD40, tried and flattened the battery, and the keys were locked in the car as well. We gained entry to the car, checked the electrics, repaired the waterlogged ECU computer, and attended to the wiring problems. A very large invoice indeed. All that’s shiny isn’t gold, my friend, it just might cost you some.

  ALL THAT GLITTERS

  Speaking of gold, one of our client’s sons turned twenty-one and decided that he wanted to paint his engine gold, so he cleaned the engine, got gold spray paint and did the job. The car was recovered to us with a very sad burnt-out wiring loom and a terrible smell. This plonker had sprayed the engine, manifold, everything, with low temperature paint. As it got hot on the manifold the solvents in the paint caught alight. It took about ten hours’ work to rectify the problems, which included engine removal and wiring loom repair. Finally we sprayed the engine properly with UHT (ultra high temperature) paint.

  SAD SUSPENSION

  A Mercedes S500 came in, with the client claiming that the suspension had gone because it was leaning to the right, and it looked very odd. But it was very simple to rectify, because he’d been sold the wrong size tyres. I was not sure who was the bigger prat: the salesman for selling the wrong size of tyre, or the owner for not noticing!

  PUNCH-UP OVER AN INVOICE

  It isn’t just mechanics who get their pride hurt from time to time. We quote for some work, and the client agrees. The car gets serviced, brakes replaced, all done as promised. When this person came to collect his car, he was arguing with our receptionist that the amount on the invoice was not the same as the quote. I came into the reception as I heard raised voices. I went over the bill, checked the time log and it was correct. He insisted the quote was £75 cheaper than the invoice, and when I showed him the time of the call etc., he said, ‘Are you calling me a liar?’ Well I wasn’t, just that he must be mistaken. With that this person goes to grab my collar, but I’m no pushover so on his attempt I pushed him away and said don’t be silly, don’t touch. He then tried to get behind the counter so I had to restrain him. The police were called and he wanted to have me arrested for assault, but there were plenty of witnesses who said he was in the wrong. Said fool goes off in a taxi, returns four days later to pay the bill and I put four days storage on as well. No apology and he drove out without making eye contact with anyone.

  THE INTERNET IDIOT

  One of the funniest things I’ve seen recently was an old Mitsubishi Pajero diesel, where the client decided to do a self-fitted conversion, courtesy of info he’d got off the internet. He fitted a heater to the fuel filter lines and decided to run the car on old cooking oil. Now, what was not explained is that cooking oil contains particulates of all it has been cooked in, and requires careful filtering with a 350 mesh sub-micronic filter. He simply put in the old cooking oil and hoped it would go. Well it did for about a mile, then stopped and wouldn’t re-start. When it was towed in the fuel filter was blocked with crud, it was really smelly and messy. He got the old oil from a chip shop, so you can imagine. We cleaned out the whole diesel system, fitted a pre-heater, in-line heater and filter to stop the oil waxing on cold mornings. We then got 25 litres of cooking oil and all ran sweetly. The client now filters his fuel properly, the only problem is that when you smell the exhaust it makes you hungry. You wonder if he’s driving or cooking!

  FUEL FIASCO

  Cooking oil is one thing, but as you can imagine we often see diesel cars filled with petrol. What you wouldn’t believe is the number of times the culprit swears blind they’d never make such a mistake. One guy not so long ago had a Land Rover Discovery Diesel, a nice car, but would it start? No way. Cough, splutter, clouds of smoke. We scan coded it and nothing. So we set about all the normal checks until a fuel pressure test was done. Lo and behold, it was petrol. I called the client who was quite arrogant, offended that I would ever suggest he would make such a mistake and insisted he was coming down to ‘sort me out’. He arrived, not happy, and a few words were exchanged between us, until I asked for the fuel receipt, which he did not have. I asked what filling station he went to, and it turned out to be the local Shell garage, whose proprietors happen to be friends of mine. A quick call and they were able to confirm he filled with petrol. So after a flush out, replace filters, tank flush, injector seals etc., and £855 plus £50 of diesel, he apologised (with a red face) and paid. He had driven it about three miles from the filling station and ignored flashing dash warning lights and clouds of smoke from the exhaust. They are embarrassing mistakes, sure, but don’t try to deny it. Petrol in a diesel engine is not the sort of thing you can blag.

  THE FLASH-FLOOD FOOL

  We’ve all seen James Bond’s amphibious car, I reckon, and quite fancied one, but some have been more eager to get their cars into water than they should have been. A car was towed in after the driver/diver decided he could drive his Ford Focus through a brook that had formed in bad weather where other cars had got stuck. This wally drove at full throttle at the puddle, resulting in the air-intake drawing vast amounts of water into the engine. You cannot compress water so it blew the engine. On stripping it I couldn’t believe how much damage had been done to the pistons and valves, and a full rebuild was carried out. The car wasn’t the only thing that needed drying out – his wallet did too!

&nbs
p; THE WRONG TRANSMISSION FLUID

  Some of my exploits have seen me ending up in court, though not for the reasons you might think. I had fitted a rebuilt transmission to a Range Rover Sport, and thirteen months later it was brought back because it was slipping in ‘drive’ gear. We always insist that the car be brought back after 1,000 miles for another transmission oil change to comply with the warranty. The car had covered 19,553 miles since the rebuild and NOT brought back for re-checking. We checked the transmission and it was slipping in drive. We changed the transmission oil and my mechanic asked me to look at the oil he was draining. This is not the correct oil he states, it’s very dark and smells acrid. The correct oil is stated by the manufacturer, which is the only one we use. So I called the client and asked him why he did not return after the 1,000 miles to check the transmission. He was very evasive and said he didn’t think this was necessary, and his garage had told him this was not required. I asked him if he’d had a transmission service done recently, and his reply was, yes, in France, when it was serviced. I told him that incorrect oil had been used, and also it was not under warranty, since he did not return the car for the oil change. He put down the phone and the next day I received a solicitor’s letter demanding I do the repairs under warranty. I wrote back explaining that using the incorrect oil and also not returning for the 1,000-mile recheck made the warranty void. It went to court, I represented myself before the judge, and the case was settled in my favour with my costs to be paid. Reluctantly, he paid to have the transmission rebuilt again and in turn tried to sue the French garage for using the wrong oil which had effectively destroyed the transmission.

  TYRE TRAGEDY

  All of these cock-ups could’ve resulted in a serious accident, though thankfully none of them did. But we lost a client a few years ago, not through old age or illness because he was only twenty four. He was the son of one of my long-standing clients who decided to do some repairs himself and save daddy paying for it. Apparently he fitted a CD player and also replaced the wheels and tyres with bigger units (second-hand ones, bought over the internet). The car was a VW polo, ten years old, and on a fast motorway test drive the tyres separated from the rims, causing the car to turn over, resulting in a fatality. The wheels and tyres were of a cheap nondescript make which literally disintegrated. I was really saddened to hear this as on the few times I had met him, he seemed to be a really nice lad. Remember not all tyres are the same – you get what you pay for, and spending a bit more money can sometimes save you your life in the long run.

  Who knew that the MOT Inspectorate could also be numpties sometimes? When I was an MOT tester I was real strict – I even failed my wife’s car over a torn CV boot!

  One day I failed a Ford Cortina for excessive movement of the driver’s door hinge. The door was literally falling off. The owner made a complaint to the MOT Inspectorate, who came to the garage with the client to check my work. The MOT guy tells me I was being too strict and not following guidelines, which I don’t take too kindly to as you can imagine, so I tell him to try it for himself. The guy opens the door from the outside, the hinges break away and the door lands on his foot. He gets a broken toe, at which point I mention that steel-cap work boots are required in the workshop. Red-faced he upholds the MOT fail. Well, he could hardly let it back out onto the road with a door missing!

  As well as MOT inspectors, I’ve had my run-ins with the police over the years. I remember one occasion when I felt I was in one of those American movies, you know, when the copper looks over the car looking for any excuse to pull someone in, so smashes their lights with their truncheon and says, ‘Oi, no headlights.’

  I rebuilt, with my team, a beautiful E-Type Jag, 1966, and when it was finished I took it for a road test. I was stopped by the police, who said they were carrying out roadside checks and added, ‘You were going very slow, so you looked suspicious.’ They checked the handbrake, tyres, lights etc., and then told me the car was not roadworthy. I said I’d just rebuilt the damn thing, so he said put the handbrake on, and then pushed the car and it moved. I explained that it was a fly-off handbrake, so I put it on and said, ‘Now push it.’ He couldn’t.

  Embarrassed, he said my main beam lights weren’t working, so I flicked the toggle switch on the dash and the main headlamps worked. Now he was getting desperate. In vain he said the wheel bearings were loose. He put his hand on the tyre and pulled it towards him to prove it, so I pointed out that he was just flexing the tyre, not the bearings. I jacked up the car in the road and showed him. Unable to find anything else he took off in a huff, so I took his number and made a complaint. I received a letter of apology: the letter of the law, you might say.

  Here’s a real big cock-up – literally! A Jensen Interceptor 1972, four-wheel drive with the Ferguson FF unit. It was a lovely car but there was a burning smell when you were driving. Our mechanic checked all the usual things and could find nothing. So he went on a test drive. One hour later I get a call from him. He is in hospital with burns to his crotch and the car is a total loss. WTF?!?! Turned out that apparently some time previously there was a wiring problem which the client did not make us aware of. The previous garage re-wired the loom under the driver’s seat, the wiring chafed, wore away some of its insulation and caused short circuits and sparks and caught the seat alight, leaving our mechanic with a burnt cock and legs before the fire brigade totalled the car.

  One of our clients could only be contacted by text on her phone as she had meetings all day. We cannot do any work without approval from the client, so our new nineteen-year-old Polish receptionist sent a quote by text. We know the dangers of predictive text – sometimes you need to check what you write – so what she sent and what she meant were two different things. She copied the mechanic’s list as he wrote it and thought nothing about it.

  TEXT to client:

  Dear Mrs *****

  Enclosed is the requirements for your Toyota Prius Reg, **** ***

  Service and lubrication £250 plus VAT

  NS front wheel bearing fucked, £88.30

  OS front wheel bearing fucked, £88.30

  Air pollen filter blocked with crap, £22.66

  Bodywork estimate required as both front and NSR panels are dented (must be a good driver!)

  All prices include VAT and labour please text your approval asap from ******

  Oh my! There was a lot of embarrassment and plenty of apologies by us and the receptionist, who was in her first week in the job. We decided not to fire her as we guessed things could only get better from there on!

  Some issues aren’t anyone’s fault. It just goes to show that no matter how expensive your car is, no car is immune to the hazards of the road, nor can you account for every eventuality:

  • A Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow comes in creating a terrible smell when driving – acrid it was, it made your eyes water. I thought something was seriously wrong with this baby. Checked in the engine bay and interior, fault located to a large polythene bag stuck to the exhaust, so when it’s hot the plastic produces the smell. Chiselled off the bag and no more smell.

  • My head-scratching wasn’t the only scratching going on here. Bits of paper and fluff were appearing constantly in this Ford Mondeo. I could not trace any problem, so we removed the dashboard, only to find a mouse living behind the dash who was having dinner on the air duct hoses. The mouse was removed and released to fend for itself on the mean streets of Golders Green, the dash refitted with new air vents and no more fluff.

  • When a client says he is using vast amounts of fuel, there are certain things you can check. This Jaguar XF, according to the fuel record, was going through about four miles per gallon. I told the client to record his fill-ups and mileage after we did a scan code that showed no faults. The next week was the same recording, about three to four mpg, but the mileage was showing hundreds more than when he left it. The gauge was checked and it was OK, there still no faults apparent. Eventually the guy worked out that his son was secretly using the car d
uring the day whilst he was at work, so the mystery was solved. He kept both sets of keys on him at all times in future!

  Occasionally you get a client who tries it on, but when a person comes in with an attitude, I get hot under the collar. Once, this guy comes into reception all suited and booted, spotless fingernails, and a face like a smacked arse.

  ‘I wish to make a complaint,’ he says. ‘You serviced my car five weeks ago, at vast expense, and now it won’t start.’

  ‘OK,’ I say, ‘what’s your name please?’

  He says, ‘You should know me, after all the money I’ve spent here over the years.’

  Now, I am very good with faces, but his face don’t ring my bell. Again I ask for his name, and again he is getting shirty, saying he’s a regular, but it’s Mr ******.

  So I checked the name on our database, and LO AND BEHOLD, the last invoice is 2011 and it’s now 2014! Don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes, sunshine! He left the garage in a huff, never to be seen again. I hate attitudes. You give ’em to me, and you get ’em right back.