And You Call Yourself A Christian

by E. N. Joy

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it,” the deputy said, a sign that the joke was over and that he could get serious and take Lorain to see her daughter. “Come right this way.”

  After going through a search, Lorain was finally led into a room where Unique sat at a table waiting. The door to the room had a huge glass window block that Lorain could see through. She could see Unique even before they got to the door. She was surprised to see Unique sitting up, with almost a smile on her face. She was tapping her fingers on the table, waiting for her next visitor.

  Lorain had to admit, this isn’t the sight she expected to see from a mother who had just lost her three boys. She’d expected to see a more drained, worn-out, and defeated version. Distraught even. Lorain felt as though she herself had shown more emotion back at the hospital with Nicholas than Unique was showing now. She knew that through the strength of Christ Jesus, Unique could stand strong through this trial and tribulation. But she had no idea she’d be standing so strong ... and this soon. She hated the next thought that came into her mind; the thought that if this is how Unique displayed herself in the courtroom, she was doomed. What jury in their right mind would have sympathy for a grieving mother who didn’t appear to be grieving at all?

  “You’ve got fifteen minutes,” the deputy said to Lorain before opening the door and allowing her inside.

  “Thank you.” Lorain walked inside the room. Her eyes met Unique’s. No words were spoken. All of a sudden, Unique didn’t look so much like the strong individual Lorain had peered at through the glass window. Now she looked like someone who was trying very hard to be strong on the outside, but on the inside, she could crumble at any minute.

  “Ma, Lorain,” Unique smiled with trembling lips and eyes that became moist.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” Lorain walked over and embraced Unique. She held her for a moment while rubbing her back. “You okay, baby? How are you holding up?”

  “Better than I could have ever thought,” Unique replied. “Thanks to Mommy. She helped me realize some things that I, as a Christian, should have never forgotten.”

  Lorain released Unique as a tinge of jealousy ran through her body. “Oh, is that so?” she questioned. What had this woman her daughter called Mommy told her? What words had she used to comfort Unique? Is that why Unique had chosen for her to come back and visit her first? She knew that she would do a better job at comforting her than her own natural mother? And why did Unique have to call her Mommy? That was such an endearing term. The word Mommy stood for so much. It stood for the woman who loved, cared for, and nurtured a child. It stood for the woman who was deserving of the best Mother’s Day card on the shelf. It stood for the woman who cooked and cleaned for the child, who nursed the child back to health in times of sickness and so much more. Lorain wanted to be—Mommy.

  While all these thoughts and emotions fluttered through Lorain’s being, she managed to ask Unique, “So what did Mo—” She cleared her throat and started over. “What did your mother say?” Referring to someone else as Unique’s mother was difficult for Lorain. Yes, she knew this woman had existed in Unique’s life all along, but she’d never met her before. She’d never even been the topic of any of their conversations. The only thing Lorain had ever asked Unique about the woman was whether Unique had told her that she’d found her birth mother. Once Unique told her that she, in fact, had, Lorain then asked her how she handled it.

  “She wasn’t really fazed one way or the other,” Unique had replied.

  Lorain had left things at that. So far it had all worked out just fine. Lorain had never requested to meet Korica, and Korica had never requested to meet Lorain. Why did the two women need to meet anyway? Their common denominator, Unique, was a grown woman. She didn’t need the approval or representation by either one of the women. Anything Lorain needed to know about Unique, Unique was well and able to tell her herself. So as far as Lorain had been concerned, her getting together with the woman who raised her child was of no benefit ... the woman who Unique so lovingly referred to as Mommy.

  “Mommy reminded me of what Jesus did for me at Calvary.”

  Is that it? Lorain thought. I could have done that. “Oh well, that was nice. Good for her.” Lorain sat down. “I didn’t know she was a churchgoing woman. But then again, why would I? You never talk about her.” Lorain let out a forced chuckle. “Heck, I forgot all about her until the guards called for your mother to come back and visit you and we both stood up.”

  “That must have been an awkward moment,” Unique replied. “I’m sure the guards didn’t know what to think.”

  “I don’t think either myself or ... your ... uh ... mother,” Lorain stammered. “Korica, is it?”

  “Yes, Korica Sherod.”

  “Sherod, that’s right,” Lorain recalled. “I remember you telling me that because it’s the name of that huge hotel and suites over off of the 70 Exit, Sherod Hotel and Suites.”

  Unique nodded her confirmation.

  “Anyway, baby, I’m not here to talk about her. How are you feeling?”

  “Like I said, better than I thought I’d be. I mean, I’m really trying hard not to break down. The weight of guilt is so heavy,” Unique admitted. “And you know what’s so funny? I’ve never really known until now just how much of a toll the emotion of guilt can take on a person’s body. I’ve never felt guilty, not like this, about anything I’ve ever done in life.” Unique looked to Lorain. “You know me; if I done it, I done it ... I meant to do it, and I’ma tell you I meant to do it.” She shrugged. “Now, shame, well, that’s another story ... that’s another emotion ... one that I can deal with better. Shame seems much easier to shake off than this guilt thing.”

  “I know what you’re saying. I walked around with guilt for years. And the funny thing about guilt is that it’s buried so deep inside, that sometimes you forget exactly what caused the pain inside of you. But like you said, shame, on the other hand, huh, that’s written all over a person’s face, and it ain’t so hard to fix up your facial expressions. It’s darn hard to fix up what’s inside though.”

  “So true,” Unique agreed. “I’d trade guilt in for shame right about now.”

  There was a brief moment of silence. “So ... What did happen? How did the boys end up, you know, in the car like that?”

  Unique shook her head. “Because I’m stupid ... so stupid. Had I just listened to you a long time ago when you told me that I needed to get regular child support for my babies, none of this would have happened. I would have been getting a check in the mail every month instead of hunting those fools down.” Unique shook her head. “God, why didn’t I listen to my mother?”

  Lorain figured that Unique was referring to her, but now she couldn’t be too sure. “It’s okay. Never mind all that. You were doing something that you thought you had to do for your boys.”

  “Yes, and while I was in there, the cops just happen to run in and bust the place. It all happened so quickly,” Unique recalled. “I remember hearing the cops yell, the door caving in, me being tackled to the ground, and that’s about it. I blacked out. When the cops took me down, I hit my head on the table or something.” Unique rubbed a spot on her head that was still a little tender.

  “Oh, I know how that feels.” Lorain was referring to the time she fell and hit her head, causing her temporary selective memory loss. “But the news said they found drugs on you.”

  “I know, it’s crazy, right? I kept telling them that I don’t do drugs. They said maybe not, but with as much drugs that they found on me, they know for a fact I sell drugs.” Unique turned to Lorain with pleading eyes. “I don’t sell drugs; you know that. Everybody who knows me knows that.”

  “Well, the guards said your attorney was here earlier. What does your attorney think?”

  “He said, according to police statements from my son’s father and Two-Step, my son’s father’s sidekick, that it was all just some crazy mishap. My attorney said that both drugs and money were found in that freezer. What ha
ppened was that my son’s father probably thought he was taking a bag of money out of the freezer and handing it to me, but instead, he handed me a bag of drugs. Of course, with my pitiful timing, the police bust in and catch me red-handed with drugs.”

  “Okay, okay, then it sounds like we don’t have much to worry about. That’s a pretty clear-cut, convincing story. We just have to relay it to the judge.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way. My lawyer is already talking plea bargain.”

  Lorain banged her fist on the table. “I won’t hear of such a thing. Feeling guilty is one thing, but actually being guilty is another. You are not responsible for my grandbabies’ deaths, and we’re not going to let some fresh-out-of-law-school kid make you admit to it. That’s why pastor called me this morning and suggested the church retain a good lawyer for you.”

  “Really?” Unique had a look of surprise on her face. “Pastor ... the church ... They want to help me? But do they know what the media is saying? Isn’t New Day afraid that if they support me that—”

  “New Day Temple of Faith and its leaders do not walk in fear. So to answer your question, no, ... No one is afraid.” Lorain rested her hand upon Unique’s shoulder. “And you shouldn’t be either.”

  A tear fell from Unique’s eye. Lorain pulled her into her shoulder and began comforting her. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Let it out.”

  That tough exterior Unique had been draped in was starting to fall off. “They’re gone. Oh, God, I can’t believe they’re gone. My boys are gone.” Unique lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “Do you know the lawyer says I might not even get to go to the funeral? He said he’s going to have to seek permission from the courts.”

  “Oh no,” Lorain replied. “Speaking of the funeral, would you like me to go ahead and begin making the arrangements?”

  Just hearing those words caused Unique to break down completely. “I have to bury my babies. Oh, God, I have to bury my babies. I can’t believe this.”

  “It’s all right. I’ll take care of it. I’ll take care of everything.”

  Eventually, Unique regained her composure and wore a serious look on her face. “I want them to wear all-white, like angels, because they were my little angels.” Not able to hold it together, Unique broke down again.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll do everything, anything you want.”

  Unique looked into Lorain’s eyes. “Thanks, Mom. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.”

  “No problem, honey.” Lorain took Unique in her arms again and held her tightly, her chin resting atop Unique’s head. Unique had called her “Mom.” It still didn’t mean as much as the word Mommy did though, but Lorain would keep working at it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was the day of her boys’ funeral, and Unique had spent the entire day balled up and crying in her cell. She felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her when her attorney told her that she didn’t get granted permission to attend the funeral.

  “But why?” Unique had asked her attorney over the phone. The coward hadn’t even had enough courage and respect to show up and tell her to her face.

  “The system just feels that with the severity of the crime, and you being the one actually held responsible for their deaths, that it wouldn’t be a good idea for—”

  “That’s bull crap!” is what Unique, being a Christian and all, should have said. Unfortunately, something else besides the word “crap” slipped out of her mouth. After going back and forth with the attorney, with even more expletives flying out of her mouth, she slammed the phone down and was escorted back to her cell where she’d been ever since.

  Her cell mate, Kiki, had made it her business to stay outside of their cell as much as she could to give Unique time to mourn. Being alone with her thoughts probably wasn’t what Unique needed at the time, but it’s all that she had. Everyone she knew was off paying their last respects to her boys. Her boys!

  Wails began to escape from Unique’s mouth. Other inmates walked by, but none of them seemed to have any empathy as she heard them mumble things like, “Serves her right. What killer shows up at the person’s funeral that they killed?” A couple sputtered off threats to do her bodily harm, while some inmates even spat in her direction as they walked by. Not only had the media pronounced Unique guilty before being proven otherwise, even other criminals were doing the same thing to her. She didn’t care though. She knew the truth, and the truth was that all she wanted right now was to be with her sons, to see them one last time before they were put back into the earth from which they came.

  “God, I know they were yours before they ever were mine,” Unique prayed. “But here on earth, you gave them to me, and I just wanted to be able to say good-bye. I just wanted to be able to say good-bye,” she cried.

  Unique cried for the next two hours straight before falling asleep. When she woke, she could feel that it was late. The funeral and the burial were probably over by now. Lorain had told her that they were going to have the repast at New Day. More than likely, Lorain was still at the church. Korica’s phone was off right now because she hadn’t paid the bill, so she couldn’t call her. So she thought of someone she hadn’t even talked to yet, but that she was sure had gone to the funeral and could tell her all about it.

  Mustering up enough energy to stand, Unique made her way to where the phones were. There were only two phones and what seemed like a gazillion people waiting in line to use them. Unique didn’t feel like she had the energy to stand in line that long, but she had to. She had to see about her boys’ homecoming.

  Before Unique knew it, she was next in line to use the phone. She had no idea how long she’d been in line. There was no sense of time in that place. The woman who was in front of her finished up her call. That was Unique’s sign that it was finally her turn.

  “God, let her phone be on,” Unique pleaded as she dialed and requested the operator to put through the collect call. “And Jesus, don’t let her have a block on her phone.” People were good for having the service on their phones that blocked collect calls. She hoped to God her sister wasn’t one of those people.

  All Unique’s prayers were answered as her sister accepted the call. “Unique?” Renee answered once the call was put through.

  “Yeah, Renee, it’s me,” Unique replied. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you before now. It’s just been mad crazy.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. So how was, you know, how was the boys’ homecoming?”

  “It was beautiful. Lorain and that church of yours laid it out. It was like a picture from heaven. The dance ministry danced and some heavyset, dark-skinned woman sang her tail off.”

  “Did she have dimples?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh, that was probably Sister Paige.”

  “She be with some white dude?”

  “Yeah, it was Paige.”

  “Well, Miss Thing can sing. And your pastor can preach to be a white woman, Lord have mercy. Like I said, it was beautiful. I heard they wouldn’t let you come. That’s jacked up, especially since they let your sorry baby daddy out of jail long enough to come.”

  “Gerald? Gerald was there, at my boys’ funeral? They let him out of jail to go and not me?” Unique was fuming.

  “Guess he got him one of them street lawyers that got some pull, you know what I’m saying?”

  “I can’t believe that crap.” Unique, being a Christian, tried her best to be delivered from the cursing demon. Whew, there was something about those prison walls that were just pulling Unique slowly but surely back into some of her old ways. Man, oh, man, did she want a drink and a joint so bad right now she could taste it. She needed one or the other, or both, to calm her nerves.

  “Yeah, I was surprised too. But don’t worry, I checked his tail for you,” Renee told her little sister.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Mommy told me how he’s the one who supposedly gave you that dope they found on you. I know it wasn’t cool, but whil
e he was standing at the casket viewing the body, I walked up next to him and asked him why he played you like that; since when is a bag of dope child support? I mean, I thought that was his way of trying to put you to work to make you go earn the money for child support, but that wasn’t the case.”

  “Why—how do you know that? What did he say?” Unique hadn’t been able to correspond with her oldest son’s father at all, so she had no idea why he’d given her that bag of dope from the freezer other than what her attorney had suspected. Unique didn’t trust that coward, but her sister, she did trust.

  “He said he thought he was handing you some loot. He must have grabbed the wrong bag. He feels real bad about it. He said he wanted to talk to you, but his attorney said that’s not a good idea. Besides, I don’t think they would let y’all talk anyway. They don’t want y’all trying to get stories straight with each other and everything. He said he told his attorney, and his attorney supposedly told yours, but I don’t how much good that’s going to do you.”

  “Yeah, me either, but at least I know the real now from the horse’s mouth,” Unique said.

  “Yeah, and like I said, he sounded sincere, so don’t be too mad at him. On the other hand, I got a slight attitude with you.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, so does 90 percent of the people up in here. So join the club.”

  “No, but on the real, I been walking, taking the bus, and having to hitch rides to work. The police haven’t released my car yet. I wish I’d never let you borrow it. Had I known you were going to drive it to a crack house I wouldn’t have.”

  Once again, Unique started to fume. “My boys are dead, and they didn’t even let me out of this place to go to their funeral, and you’re worried about your old, funky hooptie?”

  Renee copped an instant attitude. “Oh, really now? Well, if it was so old and funky, why were you always borrowing it? If it was so old and funky, then maybe you shouldn’t have borrowed it. How about that? Humph, then maybe I wouldn’t be having to walk, catch the bus, and bum rides. Then just maybe your boys would still be alive!”