The Legend of Drak'Noir: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 3)

by Michael James Ploof

  “You just barely made it on time,” he told them all.

  “Hey look!” said Willow, pointing to the north. “Is that…is that Atlas?”

  “Yes,” said Kazimir. “Lyricon makes a good deal of money selling tickets to the spectacle. But of course, we can’t have people seeing what happens here. Once we are through, I will wipe the memories of all aboard Atlas, and Lyricon and I will split the profits.”

  “You’re in cahoots with Lyricon?” said Willow, glancing at the others and looking troubled.

  “Who isn’t Kazimir the Whore in bed with?” said Brannon, tearing his eyes off of Valkimir long enough to give the Most High Wizard the stink-eye. He threw his seeds onto the ground, and on cue, Murland produced a flash of bright light and hit the seeds with a water spell. A wall of vine arose behind the elf prince, and he unsheathed his sword with flare.

  “Suck on these!” he cried, and extended his arms outward.

  It was at that moment that everything happened all at once; but to Murland, the events played out like a dream, one that he viewed through water. As Brannon’s vines shot across the chamber, he saw something out of the corner of his eye, something floating in the sky beside Atlas.

  Suddenly, the voice of Caressa cried out from somewhere unseen, “Now, Benjamin!”

  The spell prisons holding the others winked out of existence with a flash and a poof. Sir Eldrick tossed back a flask of rum and charged wild-eyed. Willow charged Kazimir with her club cocked back, and Gibrig followed on her heels, his face twisted, his eyes teary, and his golden shield suddenly as brilliant as the moon. Valkimir erupted from the spell prison like a cobra and shot across the stone toward Kazimir. Akitla planted her feet and shot a thick beam of icy blue mist at the Most High Wizard, while Hagus charged behind Valkimir with his shovel leading the way. Dingleberry dive-bombed the hated wizard, screaming “Dingleberry fairy-fairy!” And Wendel, well, he ran for the exit.

  Murland saw all of this at once, and he saw his own hand slowly rising, as well as the glowing wand. He was now speaking a spell, but his voice sounded deep and slow. He cast the spell, though his mind was elsewhere. It was on the College of Kazam, which he had seen floating high above the mountain.

  Through it all, Kazimir leaned against his staff. He even yawned before pulling out his wand and spinning in a tight circle. A wave of energy flowed out of the wand and caused everyone in the vicinity to suddenly freeze where they stood.

  Murland tried desperately to move his arm, and he felt his wards eating away at Kazimir’s spell.

  “Did you really think that—” Kazimir began, but an explosion suddenly consumed him and sent him flying head over heels. He smacked into the stone wall and slid down slowly.

  Headmaster Hinckley appeared in front of Murland, facing Kazimir. Murland felt Kazimir’s spell die out, and he aimed his wand and spoke the words to kill the Most High Wizard. To his surprise, Hinckley intercepted the spell with his wand and sent it into the air. He shook his head slowly at Murland and stalked toward Kazimir.

  “Kazimir Rimizak,” he said evenly, and a hundred other wizards and witches appeared behind him. “You are under arrest for crimes against the collective peoples of Fallacetine.”

  Kazimir rose to his feet with a spring in his step and bounced on his toes. He wiped blood from his lip and grinned. “Excellent, I haven’t had a good fight in years.”

  What happened next shocked Murland and, seemingly, every other wizard in attendance. Kazimir suddenly divided, and divided again, and again, until there were a hundred Kazimirs facing the wizards and witches. The many Kazimirs cast spells with both their wand and staff. The wand spells disarmed the many wizards, and the staff spell sent them on their backsides.

  Hinckley blocked both spells, however, and aimed his wand at the true Kazimir. A writhing blue explosion of light hit Kazimir’s counter spell, and the two stood locked in battle, the beams of their spells fighting for dominance in a show of sparks, crackles, and booms.

  The Champions of the Dragon charged in. Brannon’s vines wrapped themselves around Kazimir and squeezed, Murland’s spell of many snakes—the only one that he could think of quickly—exploded with light, and from his wand thirteen cobras erupted and hit the Most High Wizard. Willow’s club swung wide, aiming for Kazimir’s head. Gibrig charged shield-first, and Sir Eldrick gave a battle cry and charged with his fae blade.

  Kazimir suddenly began to glow, and fire erupted from him, scorching the vines, cooking the snakes, and throwing back Sir Eldrick and Willow. Hinckley redoubled his efforts and cast another spell and then another, both of which went to work unraveling Kazimir’s shield.

  No one noticed Gibrig until he was upon the Most High Wizard. He barreled into the spell shield glowing around Kazimir, and to everyone’s shock and amazement, went right through it and slammed into the wizard with all his might. Kazimir gave a shocked cry and flew into the wall.

  Gibrig stopped, panting, and looked to his shield with amazement.

  The others wasted no time to wonder, and they redoubled their efforts. Brannon’s vines again grabbed hold of Kazimir, and Willow came in with her big club and cracked his staff in two. Sir Eldrick sliced his wand in half, and Murland hit him with a spell meant to stupefy. Hinckley hit Kazimir with a spell that consumed him in light and lifted him off his feet.

  “Kazimir Rimizak! You are under arrest for crimes against—”

  Four screeching voices, like demons unleashed, ripped through the mountain range, and the darklings suddenly emerged from a glowing portal. They flew into Kazimir, ravishing his body with vicious strikes from their clawed hands of shadow.

  “No!” Hinckley yelled, but it was too late.

  The darklings tore Kazimir’s soul from his body and flew into the eye of the storm. His spirit, glowing bright against the tempest, reached clawed hands toward his body, and for the first time, Murland saw fear in the Most High Wizard’s eyes. Together with the darklings, the spirit of Kazimir Rimizak disappeared in the glow of the moon.

  Kazimir’s body fell to the floor lifelessly, and silence reigned.

  Chapter 38

  The Legend of Drak’Noir

  “We did it,” said Brannon, looking at Kazimir’s lifeless body wide-eyed. “I can’t believe we did it.”

  “He’s still alive,” said Murland, touching two fingers to his neck. “There’s a faint pulse.”

  Hinckley strode over, leaning on his staff for support and wheezing. “Figures,” he said, and he began coughing violently.

  “Are you alright, Headmaster?” said Murland.

  Hinckley waved him off and pointed at Drak’Noir’s shimmering portal. “We have other things to worry about right now besides my failing health.”

  The other wizards all got to their feet weakly, and Hinckley ordered three of them to teleport Kazimir’s body to Azkatraz Island. He then stood before the crackling portal, which had grown to forty feet tall. “To me!” he bellowed like a warrior king, and the remaining wizards and witches took their places behind him to create a large triangle.

  The companions all gathered behind the wizards, and Caressa came running into Murland’s arms. Benjamin joined them happily, but stopped dead when he saw Caressa kiss the lanky wizard.

  “We did it,” she said to Murland, and kissed him again.

  “There is still the dragon to deal with,” he said, instinctively moving her behind him.

  “Yes, but look, the wizards have a plan,” said Caressa, pointing at the formation.

  “Hey Pop,” said Akitla, smiling at Sir Eldrick.

  He gave her a hug and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry I got you into this, Kit.”

  “Sorry? I came looking for adventure, and adventure I have found.”

  “Pap!” said Gibrig when he saw his father finally make his way out of the maze of one hundred wizards and witches.

  “Laddie, I knew ye would make it,” said Hagus, adjusting his eye patch as though Gibrig weren’t real. “Hey, look at that shie
ld. Where in the world did ye find that?”

  “An old ancient snail gave it to me in a mole man mine shaft.”

  “Ye don’t say,” said Hagus with a cocked brow. “That be pure gold? Let me see.”

  “They say it be heavy,” said Gibrig, handing it to him.

  “Bah,” said Hagus, but when Gibrig released it, the shield dropped to the floor so hard that it cracked stone. “What the blazes?” Hagus heaved and heaved, but he couldn’t so much as budge the golden shield.

  “Seems that only I be able to pick it up,” said Gibrig, blushing.

  “Well then, let’s see it.”

  Gibrig put his arm though the strap and lifted the shield as though it weighed no more than ten pounds.

  “Well I be a goat herder’s uncle!” said Hagus, shaking his head in admiration.

  “Oh, Valkimir,” Brannon was saying in between kisses. “I thought that I would never see you again.”

  Valkimir stroked Brannon’s hair and cupped his buttocks. “Nothing can tear us apart. Nothing.”

  “Bleh!” Wendel animatedly gagged. “Get a friggin’ room. This look like a godsdamned rainbow parade?”

  “The wiz-wiz is gone-gone-gone!” said Dingleberry as she stood on Willow’s shoulder.

  “You think that the wizards and witches can close the portal like Kazimir did?” Willow asked the group.

  “With any luck,” said Sir Eldrick.

  “They won’t use the same spell that Kazimir did,” said Murland. “But they must have thought of something else.”

  “We should probably stand back,” said Brannon, pulling Valkimir back to the archway through which they had come.

  “Caressa?”

  Murland and Caressa turned to see Benjamin standing there, looking lost.

  “Oh!” said Caressa. “I’m sorry. Everyone, this is Benjamin. He helped us all escape.”

  Benjamin ignored everyone’s greetings and stared at Caressa, looking hurt. “You never said that you…I thought…” he said, looking to Murland.

  “Benjamin. You are a cherished friend, and you are still a knight of Magestra. I will not forget what you have done for me.”

  They were interrupted by a ground-shaking growl that came from the portal. The companions all ran for the archway and watched through it as the wizards and witches prepared to close the portal in their triangular formation.

  Through the swirling mist of colors in the portal, a large black object could be seen moving in the background. Murland knew in his gut that it was the impossibly large Drak’Noir. The portal suddenly swelled, reaching more than one hundred feet into the sky and half as wide.

  “Now!” said Hinckley as he raised his staff into the air with his one good hand, holding it horizontally over his head.

  The witches and wizards all hit the staff with streaking, glowing spells. They poured their own magical energy into Hinckley’s staff, and he began to chant his incantation, his voice unnaturally loud.

  “Back bestia. Back! Ad tuus orbis! Hic non receperint vos! Back beast, back! Back to your own world! You are not welcome here!”

  The portal began to shrink, and the companions watched with growing hope.

  “Hoc est enim orbis terrarum!” Hinckley went on. “This world is not for you!”

  The portal shrunk more, and Hinckley bellowed his incantation even louder. But suddenly Drak’Noir thrust her massive head through the shrinking portal and bathed the mountaintop in flames.

  Murland threw up a defensive ward instinctively around the companions and Benjamin. Drak’Noir’s terrible fire engulfed them all, melting walls and destroying magic shields. Surprisingly, Murland survived, though he fell to one knee from the exertion. There was no wall and archway between them and the portal anymore. It had been destroyed by Drak’Noir’s breath of death. Now, only smoldering stone and dead wizards and witches remained between the companions and the rift. Hinckley and dozens more still stood, however, and they once again poured their energy into the headmaster’s staff.

  “Fulgur!” Hinckley bellowed, and a blinding arch of lightning erupted from his staff and hit the dragon in the nose.

  Drak’Noir roared and reeled back, and Hinckley once again released the spell that had caused the portal to shrink. The wizards and witches were clearly taxed, however, for the portal continued to slowly grow larger.

  “She is too powerful,” said Brannon as he clutched Valkimir’s arm.

  “We’ll see about that,” said Sir Eldrick, and he rushed to Hinckley’s aid.

  The others glanced at each other, and Akitla gave a war cry. They all raised their weapons and followed their captain into the fray. Drak’Noir’s head once more emerged from the portal, but before she could breathe fire from her massive maw, Sir Eldrick came in with his glowing fae blade and slashed her snout. Being that one of her teeth was as tall as Sir Eldrick, the fae blade did little damage.

  Akitla hit Drak’Noir in the forehead with an ice shard as the beast tried to shoulder through the portal. Valkimir leapt fifteen feet in the air and slashed the dragon’s neck, but no blood flowed from the wound. Even Willow’s club to the jaw had no effect. Murland cast a lightning spell of his own, and caught Drak’Noir in the eye, but she only seemed to grow bigger with every blow that the companions landed.

  The dreadful beast squeezed a shoulder through the portal, and with one great swipe, she sent the witches and wizards flying, their spells streaking out into the night like fireworks. Packy must have seen the blow coming, for the backpack spread its wings and took to the sky before Murland could be hit. Murland looked down as Packy took him up, but he saw only Sir Eldrick, Brannon, and Valkimir left to face the dragon. He looked around frantically for Caressa, who had just been standing beside him, and it was then that he saw Willow at the edge of the mountaintop. She was leaning over the side and holding someone up.

  Murland pulled the strap to bank left and swooped down to help. He got closer and saw that Willow had ahold of Gibrig’s hand, who grasped his father’s hand below him. Hanging from Hagus’s foot was Wendel, and clinging to Wendel was Benjamin. And there, slipping from Benjamin’s grip, Murland saw Caressa.

  Their eyes met just as she lost hold, and with a cry, Caressa began to fall.

  “Dive Packy, dive!”

  The backpack swooped down into a dive as Caressa fell to the rocky outcropping below. Murland reached out his left hand as Packy got below her and swept upward.

  “Gotcha!” said Murland as he grabbed ahold of her wrist and began to fall with her.

  She wrapped her arms around him, and slowly Packy leveled out and landed them on another stone shelf.

  “The others!” she said, pointing.

  Murland looked up and saw that Willow had gotten Gibrig and Hagus up over the edge, but as they watched, Wendel’s wrist broke, and Benjamin fell end over end to the stony ground below.

  Without thinking, Murland took three steps and leapt into the air. Packy knew what to do and brought him under Benjamin the way it had Caressa, and Murland managed to get ahold of him before he hit the ground.

  He flew back to Caressa, and as they landed, the top of the mountain exploded with lightning and fire. The three took refuge against the mountain wall as debris rained down. Drak’Noir gave a terrifying cry that shook the stone beneath their feet and rumbled in their chests. They dared not look up, but they didn’t have to, for Drak’Noir suddenly flew by. Her skin glistened like wet onyx, and her wings were as wide as the disk upon which the College of Kazam floated. An alarm sounded on Atlas, which floated just behind the college. Another horn sounded in the college, and multi-colored spells began to rain down on Drak’Noir from on high. Cannons erupted from Atlas, exploding right next to the dragon and setting her black wings aflame. But the beast was undeterred; she flew straight at the college as a barrage of hundreds of spells assailed her. She seemed to grow larger with every hit that she took, and she roared as she swung her tail around and took a chunk the size of a house out of the floating
disk.

  “What have we done?” said Murland.

  Drak’Noir continued to Atlas and bathed the floating city in flames. She turned and came in for another pass, this time aiming for the bottom point of the inverted triangular stone that housed the city. Drak’Noir had doubled in size due to the magical attacks, and when she slammed into the bottom of Atlas, a third of the stone exploded from the impact. Atlas tilted and began to veer north, clearly out of control. Another barrage of spells hit Drak’Noir from the college, and she steered toward them as she grew and unleashed her fiery breath.

  There was an explosion somewhere in the college, and the disk suddenly began to turn sideways and drop from the sky.

  “No!” Murland heard himself cry as he watched both Atlas and the College of Kazam fall smoldering to the ground below. He was about to leap off the cliff when a griffin suddenly streaked by. Headmaster Hinckley was on its back, and his wand was aiming at the college.

  “No way,” said Benjamin.

  A spell erupted from Hinckley’s wand and consumed the crashing disk. He landed and leapt off the griffin, getting under the college as it fell through the air to crush him. His authoritative voice boomed, and the spell he had cast became so brilliant it was hard to look at. The college slowed, but Murland thought that surely it wasn’t enough. Again came Hinckley’s cry, and the college slowed some more. Hinckley held the spell for as long as he could, but finally the pressure taxed him to the breaking point and he fell over as if dead. Unhindered, the disk fell ten feet and landed on the side of the mountain with a resonating boom.

  “Headmaster!” Murland said breathlessly.

  He looked to Drak’Noir as she gave the triumphant screech of a bird of prey. She circled once and started to fly away, and Murland, inspired by Headmaster Hinckley’s heroics, leapt off the cliff.

  “Murland!” he heard Caressa cry.

  “Come on Packy, let’s teach that overgrown lizard a lesson!”

  Packy gave a triumphant coo and flapped its wings furiously. It was a lot of work for the backpack, but they caught up to Drak’Noir as she crossed over to the Petrified Plains. Murland beheld Drak’Noir’s grandeur up close, and he began to rethink his decision to attack. The beast’s wings were hundreds of feet long. Her head alone was larger than Abra Tower, and her eyes were black pools of malice as big as a house.