The Legend of Drak'Noir: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 3)

by Michael James Ploof

  A week into their journey back home, as they were traveling through the hills north of the Blight, they heard the telltale sound of Bjorn Tibiwild’s wheeled contraption, and the companions grinned at each other.

  “What in the blazes be that noisy animal?” said Hagus, adjusting his eyepatch as he scoured the hills.

  Glurp glurp, clang clang, bizz buzz. Came the sound.

  “Ye hear that? Sounds like a machine, it does.”

  “That’s Bjorn and his riding contraption!” said Gibrig excitedly.

  “Oh, boy,” said Willow, licking her lips. “I could sure go for some of Ling Ling’s food right about now.”

  “What’s a Ling Ling, eh?” said Dingleberry, scratching her head.

  Glurp glurp, clang, clang, bizz buzz.

  Sir Eldrick pulled the reins and slowed his horse, scouring the northern hills where the sound was coming from. It wasn’t two minutes later that Bjorn came tearing through the underbrush, jumped the mound on the side of the road, and landed in front of the companions.

  “Ah!” he said, turning off the smoking machine, which died with a metallic cough and puff of smoke. “If it isn’t the Champions of the Dragon. And in one piece!”

  “Hello Bjorn!” said Gibrig.

  “We killed the dragon!” said Willow, holding up the blackened skull.

  Bjorn dismounted and walked slowly toward Willow as he pulled off his leather riding gloves. “This…this is the skull of the great Drak’Noir? But it is so small,” he said, reaching out, but then pulling back his hand before he touched it.

  “She was a lot bigger when we first faced her,” said Brannon.

  “A full fifty feet tall,” said Sir Eldrick. “It is a long tale, and one that we have not tired of telling. It grows dark, and we wonder if perhaps your wife Ling Ling wouldn’t mind trading food for stories.”

  “I heard that you were traveling east from the Wide Wall, and I set out to meet you. And alas, I have found you. Yes of course, we would love to have you all for dinner. I see that there are many more mouths to feed this time, but of course, that must be part of the tale.”

  “Yes, where are my manners?” said Sir Eldrick. “Bjorn, this is my daughter Akitla. Akitla, Bjorn.”

  “Ah, an ice elf. I have only met a few, but none so beautiful,” said Bjorn, glancing at Sir Eldrick. “If I may say.”

  “It is good meeting you as well,” said Akitla.

  “This be me Pap, Hagus,” said Gibrig.

  Hagus stepped forward and adjusted his eye patch. “Greetin’s” he said and shook Bjorn’s hand.

  “You have seen war, as have I,” said Bjorn cordially. “And a great fighter you must be.”

  “I ain’t dead. And that be the only kind o’ soldier I care to be bein’.”

  “Right you are,” said Bjorn as he went down the line and shook Valkimir’s hand. “You I recognize, for no other in Halala could be mistaken for Valkimir the Fearless.”

  “Thank you, Bjorn. And thank you for your offer.”

  “Tibi-tibi, tibi-wild,” said Dingleberry. “That’s a funny name for a hill man.”

  Bjorn laughed and leaned back on his heels to regard the hovering sprite. “Well then, who do we have here?”

  “Dingleberry fairy-fairy! Fighter of Drak-drak, friend of Willow Muckmuck.”

  “Bjorn,” said Murland, looking as proud as a man could. “I would like you to meet Caressa.”

  Bjorn was taken aback, and he leaned closer to get a better look in the waning light. “Well I’ll be the son of my uncle’s brother. Princess Caressa I presume?”

  “You are correct, good sir,” said Caressa, and out of habit she extended her hand for it to be kissed.

  Bjorn kissed it. “Well met, my lady.”

  “Name’s Wendel, blah, blah, blah. Where’s the food?” said the skeleton.

  Bjorn chuckled. “Lively one, aren’t you?” he said and elbowed Murland in the ribs and grinned.

  “Never mind him,” said Caressa. “He doesn’t mean to be so lewd.”

  “The hell I don’t!”

  “And last but not least…” said Bjorn, extending his hand to Benjamin.

  “Hello, sir. My name is Benjamin Rimizak.”

  “Rimizak you say? Be you any relation to Kazimir?”

  “He’s my grandfather.”

  “Ah, how is the old rascal? I haven’t heard from him in weeks.”

  “He’s dead. Well, not really. The darklings took his soul.”

  Bjorn looked troubled. “Oh my. I am sorry, Benjamin. He was a good friend of mine. He saved my wife Ling Ling from a terrible planned marriage and brought her to our world.”

  “I believe that in present company, you are the only one who will be lamenting his loss,” said Benjamin.

  “Ah, I see,” said Bjorn, glancing around at the companions. “Well, that is indeed part of the tale, is it not? Come, come, for tonight is a night for food and celebration, for stories and music. Ride with me!”

  He leapt back on his contraption and stomped down on a bar, revving the metallic beast to life. He then gave a wild cry and went up on one wheel before driving through the ditch and sailing over the underbrush.

  “Ye sure ‘bout this one, lad?” said Hagus to Gibrig. “Seems a bit queer to me.”

  “If he’s queer, then I’m straight,” said Brannon, before spurring his horse to follow the man of the hills.

  “Come on, ain’t you hungry?” said Willow.

  Hagus shook his head but spurred his pony as well, and together with Gibrig and Snorts, he followed the others off the road and into the hills.

  The house in the hill was just as Murland remembered it, if only more beautiful. It seemed that either Ling Ling or Bjorn, or possibly both, had a green thumb, for flowers and vines covered the mound and both sides of the stone walkway leading to the nondescript door. Vegetables there were as well around the abode; beans climbed poles, and tomatoes hung fat and ready to be plucked from their branches. There were pumpkins as round as Willow’s belly, and many different varieties of lettuce as well.

  “I hope they didn’t up and turn vegetarian on us,” said Willow out of the corner of her mouth.

  “Come, come,” Bjorn sang. “Leave only your shoes and your worries behind.”

  The companions all took off their shoes, though Hagus grumbled about it as he unlaced his big boots.

  They entered the familiar room and were greeted by the smell of freshly cooked pie. Ling Ling wore an immaculate pink robe with white blossoms and twirled around her kitchen like a woman in love. She squealed with joy when she saw how many people there would be for dinner and promptly went down the line, shaking hands and saying repeatedly, “Ni hao, ni hao.”

  “What she sayin’?” said Hagus as he shook her lithe hand with his big and calloused one.

  “She says hello,” said Bjorn. “And also, that she is honored to have you as guests.”

  “Well then, Ney how to you too, and we be honored to be bein’ yer guests.”

  Bjorn gestured to the table, telling them to sit where they wished before moving to the kitchen to gather enough dishes for everyone. The large table easily sat them all, and everyone had the good sense not to sit at either head of the table—all but Wendel that is.

  “Pssst!” Sir Eldrick hissed, hooking a thumb at the skeleton.

  Wendel let his eyes giggle in his skull and gave a bony middle finger to the knight, but then he moved to another seat, one far away from Sir Eldrick.

  Bjorn laid down plates, bowls, silverware, chalices, and napkins while Ling Ling went around with a cask of wine. Sir Eldrick put his hand over his glass, but before he could ask for water, Ling Ling gave a musical laugh and produced a clear pitcher.

  “Thank you,” he said, glancing at Bjorn. “How would I say it in her tongue?”

  “I understand,” said Ling Ling in a cautious manner. “I practice common tongue. I get good, yes?”

  “Yes, yes, you get very good,” said Sir Eldrick with a s
mile. He winked at Akitla, who was quite taken aback by the foreigners.

  Ling Ling seemed to share her curiosity, for she nodded repeatedly at the ice elf and said, “I no see your kind, what you are?”

  “I’m an ice elf from far north, a land called Shivermoore,” said Akitla.

  “Brrr.” Ling Ling hugged herself and shook. “Sound cold.”

  “Yes, very. I prefer it here in the south. Very warm. And I love your house, very cozy.”

  “Thank you,” said Ling Ling before twirling away to attend to her dishes.

  “So, tell me,” said Bjorn, sitting at the southern head of the table and sipping his wine. “What happened after you left us? And pray tell, what happened to Kazimir?”

  ***

  Long after the empty dessert plates had been pushed forward, the companions finished telling their tale. Bjorn sat smoking his pipe and looking to the fireplace thoughtfully, and at length he shook his head.

  “That is a hell of a story,” he told them all. “It would make for a great book, maybe even a trilogy.”

  “I guess,” said Murland. “But first there is Lyricon’s stupid tour to be done with.”

  “Will you quit calling it stupid?” said Brannon. “It’ll be fun. Besides, you better get used to it. You are a hero now, and your life will never be the same.”

  “This is true,” said Bjorn. “The hero business can be tough.”

  “You’re telling me,” said Sir Eldrick, eyeing the wine glass sitting beside him.

  “I am truly sorry to hear about Kazimir’s deception. For I had no idea that the man had it in him. But then again, he did keep Drak’Noir at bay for two hundred years, and that is something.”

  “Yeah, he weren’t all that bad I guess,” said Gibrig, whose face was red and whose teeth were stained from too much wine.

  “How can you say that?” said Brannon. “He meant to kill us all and feed our souls to the dragon.”

  “Yeah, but he was goin’ to do it to save Fallacetine, if only for another generation.”

  “And you think that makes it right?”

  “I ain’t sayin’ that. I just be sayin’ that he weren’t no evil wizard, not really. He was just forced to do evil things for the greater good is all. I mean, how many died because we had to go and change how it be done? Dozens? Hundreds?”

  “That does not fall on our shoulders,” said Murland, a little too loudly. He composed himself and took another drink of wine. “The wizards should have taken care of Drak’Noir long ago.”

  “I’m sorry if I have hit a sore note,” said Bjorn. “I am old is all, and sometimes these things are clearer to me. It is true that what Kazimir intended to do to you all was wrong. And it is true that it was for the greater good. These moral riddles have no answer, but in trying to answer them, we show the world what kind of person we are.”

  “To Kazimir,” said Sir Eldrick, raising his water glass and surprising them all. “He might have been a bastard, but he brought us all together.”

  “I can drink to that,” said Gibrig, before passing out on his dessert dish.

  Chapter 42

  King’s Crossing

  Murland awoke to Ling Ling singing in the kitchen. Caressa lay next to him, nestled in the crook of his arm with her hand on his chest. She was awake already, and she must have been watching him sleep, for she smiled and kissed him when he roused.

  “Good morning, dear,” she said softly.

  “Morning,” he said, and after a big yawn and a stretch, he cuddled up to her.

  She wrapped herself around him and maneuvered on top of him as she trailed kisses down his neck. He glanced at the open door, thinking that they should close it, but her gyrations took his breath away, and he smartly shut his mouth and enjoyed the ride.

  Sometime later, they emerged from the bedroom and joined the others for breakfast. Knowing glances made their way around the table, but thankfully, no one said anything about what they all knew.

  Benjamin abruptly excused himself when Murland and Caressa sat, and he left out the front door. Caressa looked after him with concern, and Murland began to wonder once again what exactly had happened between them during her time as Kazimir’s prisoner.

  “Excuse me,” said Caressa, and the men seated at the table got up when she did.

  Murland watched her go out the door, and his imagination went wild. Should he follow? No, he would ask her about it next time they were alone—which happened far too infrequently for his liking.

  ***

  “Benjamin, wait!” said Caressa when she caught a glimpse of the young man headed down the walkway leading from the house in the hill.

  He didn’t slow down, and Caressa was forced to run to catch up. “Hey!” she said, grabbing his arm.

  When he turned toward her, there were tears in his eyes. “What?” he said, avoiding eye contact.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He gave a mirthless laugh. “Nothing, Caressa, don’t worry about it. You just go back to your wizard. I served my purpose, right? No need wasting your time with me now.”

  “Benji—”

  “My name is Benjamin.”

  “Benjamin, I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea, but—”

  “The wrong idea? You kissed me. What was I supposed to think?”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just, everything was so crazy, and you were so nice to me.”

  Benjamin was shaking his head. “No, you knew exactly what you were doing. And I’m a fool for thinking that a princess might like me.”

  “I do like you.”

  “Not the way you like Murland…”

  Caressa sighed. “Benjamin, you are a good friend…”

  He shook his head and turned back toward the path.

  “Benjamin…” she said, grabbing his arm.

  He suddenly turned and kissed her, and Caressa didn’t at first pull away. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him back. “Benji, we can’t.”

  He nodded, looking crushed. “Then there is nothing for me here.”

  “Don’t leave.”

  “Caressa…”

  “Where will you go? What will you do?”

  He shrugged.

  “Return with us to Magestra,” said Caressa. “You saved me, after all, and my father will surely give you land and gold. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

  “I don’t want your sympathy,” he said.

  “It isn’t sympathy. You earned it all. Listen to me, Benjamin. You are now a knight of Magestra, and I expect you to start acting like one.”

  Benjamin laughed. “Like Sir Eldrick? So, I should get drunk and bed a princess?”

  “You’re insufferable,” she said with a laugh of her own.

  “You are right,” he said at length. “I am sorry that I overstepped my bounds.”

  “Then you will come with us to Magestra?”

  “If it pleases you, my lady.”

  Caressa smiled. “It would please me greatly.”

  ***

  “You know,” said Bjorn, “Ling Ling and I wouldn’t mind having you for another night.”

  “That is kind of you,” said Sir Eldrick. “But we still have many miles to go until we reach King’s Crossing, and I know that many of us are eager to get home.”

  “As you wish. But please do stop in whenever you are traveling west. We consider you our friends, and our door is always open to friends.”

  “Thanks again. I believe that we may be coming through this way once the tour starts. I imagine we will see you then.”

  “Ah, yes, the tour. That sounds like a good show. Ling Ling and I will be looking forward to that. I will keep an eye out in the paper. I travel to town once a week for supplies and news from the wider world. I will no doubt see an announcement.”

  “We start on the first day o’ fall,” said Gibrig. “I think it’ll be fun. I never even thought of leavin’ the mountain before the quest, but now I’ve become quite fond o’ travelin’.”

  �
��We’ll be famous-famous!” said Dingleberry as she sat on Willow’s shoulder, eating pie filling out of a small bowl.

  Caressa returned. She sat down silently and began eating from a bowl of fruit. Benjamin, however, did not return.

  “Is everything alright?” said Murland privately.

  “Yes, of course,” she said with a reassuring smile.

  He left it at that and finished his porridge, fruit, and tea. When everyone else was done eating, Ling Ling once again presented them with little white boxes full of leftovers from the night before, as well as an entire rhubarb pie. Benjamin hadn’t gone much farther than the makeshift stable and was brushing his horse when they all emerged.

  “Well then, it looks like you have everything,” said Bjorn. “Happy travels.”

  Everyone offered their thanks in their own way, and Sir Eldrick led them all down the path leading to the road. It was very warm for so early in the morning, which promised a hot and humid day. But the sky was blue, and a chorus of happy birds accompanied them down the trail.

  “In the mood for a flight?” Murland asked Caressa, and she happily agreed.

  They tied off their horses to the pack horse and took off with Packy. Murland had made a harness that would more comfortably hold him and Caressa together; the only trick was landing without tripping over one another, but they had gotten it down eventually.

  “So, what’s going on with Benjamin?” said Murland. “If I didn’t know better, I would think that he was jealous.”

  Caressa gave a sigh. “I knew that you only wanted to fly to ask me about him.”

  “What if I did? You ask me about Ravenwing, and I have told you the truth. I only expect the same.”

  “Benjamin has a bit of a crush.”

  Murland waited.

  “I had…I had to get close to him so that he would help me escape.”