See You in the Cosmos

by Jack Cheng

  I said, OK boy, just don’t push against my belly because it still feels weird, I’m not supposed to touch my stitches or staples even though they’re SO itchy. So Carl Sagan put his paws across my legs and his head down on his paws and he started falling asleep, and I scratched behind his ears and I told him, I’m really sorry I left you boy, I’m never going to leave you again, I promise, and I’ll get you trained as a service dog so that way you can go anywhere I go and you’ll never be alone for the rest of your life.

  And then I started falling asleep too, I’ve been sleeping almost as much as Carl Sagan lately. And when I woke up it still looked sunny and beautiful out but inside the house it was dark and quiet, and Carl Sagan wasn’t sleeping in my lap anymore. I said, Carl Sagan? Where are you, boy? And I didn’t hear an answer but I did hear muffled voices coming from somewhere, and I looked out the living room window and I saw Steve and Terra talking in our driveway.

  Zed came over from the other room and he was holding Carl Sagan, and they sat down on the sofa next to me and I asked Zed, What are Steve and Terra talking about out there and why do they both look so sad? Zed looked out the window too, and we both watched Steve and Terra talking for a while, and then Zed said that they’re having a long-overdue conversation.

  I asked him, What do you mean? Have they been out there a long time? And Zed said that he means they’re talking about something they’ve both been holding in for too long.

  And then he told me that Steve broke up with his girlfriend. Steve did it that last morning we were in LA, before the big fight.

  I said, Wow, what made him do that? And Zed told me he asked Steve the same question, and Steve said that it was because of meeting me and Terra, that our trip to SHARF and Las Vegas made him see what a crummy relationship he had, and he didn’t want to have it anymore.

  I said, So Steve broke up with his girlfriend, and THEN he got the flowers to give to Terra?

  And Zed said, That’s right, and I asked him, Then was that Steve’s sacrifice? because Terra said that real love means a sacrifice, but a good kind of sacrifice, that’s about giving up something to get a bigger something else. So did Steve give up his girlfriend because he loves Terra?

  Zed looked at me and then back out the window, and he said, This is Steve’s sacrifice, right now. He said Steve’s telling Terra how he really feels about her, knowing that she might not feel the same way.

  And I looked out the window too and I said, He’s telling her the truth, and Zed said, She’s telling him the truth as well. And I didn’t know what they were saying to each other because I don’t know how to read lips, but it looked like they’re both trying to be brave.

  And I wanted to go record it for you guys. I wanted to finally get my man in love. But Zed said I should stay inside. I asked him, Why? Why should I do that, Zed? I know Ronnie wants me to stay indoors and pretend I’m not home if someone knocks or calls, but nobody’s telling me why, and this whole time I’ve been trying to get a man in love and now he’s right there in the driveway and this is my chance, and now you don’t want me to go outside either!

  And Zed said, You already have it.

  I told him No, I don’t, I have Steve talking on the phone to his girlfriend from before but that wasn’t the right thing! And then Zed said, You already have it, it’s just not what you thought it was, it’s even better than that, and I said, That makes no sense, Zed! Are you even listening to what I’m saying? And then Zed was really quiet, and I looked out the window again and I saw Steve and Terra hug each other but then they still looked sad. I guess it didn’t work.

  Steve started walking down the street, and Terra came inside and she was crying, and she went in my room and shut the door and then even Zed looked sad. I said, Why are you sad too, it’s making me sad, and then he just hugged me. I asked Zed, Do you think there are intelligent beings out there in the cosmos who don’t have sadness? and he said he doesn’t know, and when he said it I could feel his voice rumbling through his chest.

  Then I wondered . . . do YOU GUYS have sadness?

  Maybe you’ve figured out a way to get rid of it, or maybe instead of sadness you have something else.

  Maybe your sadness is our happiness, and you laugh and smile when you’re sad and it makes you feel good and it’s like how whales sound like they’re crying but that’s just how they sound all the time, even when they’re having fun.

  Or maybe you’re always sad, and you have three hearts and one lung and sadness is what keeps your hearts beating and your lung breathing. It’s what keeps you alive.

  I told Zed my ideas and then Zed started crying and I started crying, but it didn’t feel like only sadness, it felt like something else too. And then I fell asleep again and when I woke up I was here in my bed.

  NEW RECORDING 43

  8M 46S

  Everyone is being really weird today. Nobody will tell me anything!

  This morning I asked Ronnie can I see our mom today and he said I can’t, and I said, Why not, YOU went to see her yesterday so why can’t I go see her today? I told him, Terra said I’ll be able to see our mom soon and it’s already soon and if we wait any longer it won’t be soon anymore. Ronnie said he doesn’t want to talk about it, and I said, How are we supposed to help her schizophrenia if we don’t even talk about it! And then Terra said we should let Ronnie get back to work.

  I told Terra, I know that the doctors are helping my mom get better and she’s on medication because you told me that already, but I want to help too. I said, I’m sure there are some things that the doctors don’t know about my mom because nobody told them. Terra said she’s sorry, everyone’s doing their best, and I said, Well clearly it’s not good enough! And then Ronnie told me to quiet down, he’s trying to focus.

  Not only wouldn’t Ronnie and Terra tell me anything, everyone was in a bad mood too, even the weather was in a bad mood. It was cloudy and gloomy and whenever Steve and Terra talked to each other they would say just a couple words and then one or both of them would frown, and it made me not want to be around them.

  I think it made Zed feel the same way because he asked me can he borrow my computer, he wants to write down some thoughts that he had last night, and then he was in my room typing for hours. He didn’t even have dinner! We ordered pizza for everyone and a banana smoothie for me because I’m still on a semi-liquid diet, and when the food got here I went to get him and I said, Hey Zed, are you doing a vow of not eating now too? But he didn’t hear me, he was too busy typing.

  We couldn’t eat in the dining room because the table was still covered with papers and Ronnie’s laptop and stuff, he was sitting there all day researching the State of Colorado website and calling people on his phone. So we just ate in the kitchen. We stood around the pizza boxes on the counter and everyone was really quiet and nobody was eating their pizza, and I said, I know why Steve’s not eating but why is everyone else not eating too? And Terra said it’s because there are so many outstanding questions. I told her it’s great to ask outstanding questions because that’s how you get outstanding answers so let’s hear them. She said that outstanding also means leftover, so by outstanding questions she means there are a bunch of leftover questions that still don’t have answers.

  Terra said that one of the outstanding questions is that my mom’s hospital costs a lot of money and so did my trip to the emergency room, and our insurance doesn’t cover everything. I said that’s a statement, not a question, and she said the question is, How are we going to pay for it all? I told Terra I’m sorry I cost so much money, I promise I’ll work overtime at Mr. Bashir’s gas station and make some money to pay for my emergency room and my mom’s hospital also, and then Ronnie said let’s not talk about this, and I said, You never want to talk about anything! You never want to talk about our dad and now you don’t want to talk about our mom either! And then Ronnie went back to the dining room and Steve and Terra both looked sad
again, and nobody said anything for a long time. Zed was still in my room typing.

  Finally Terra said let’s watch Contact because we didn’t finish it and she wants to see the rest, and I thought that was a good idea because it’s better than everyone frowning or being mad at each other. So we put the outstanding pizza in the refrigerator and I put on Contact.

  We got to the part where Dr. Arroway is in the meeting room and she already has government approval to buy time at the Very Large Array, she just needs the money now, and then the guy in the meeting room tells her, You have your money. When we got to that part, I paused it because I had to go to the bathroom, and then I had my first bowel movement! It smelled like a dead cat. It smelled SO bad.

  When I came back after my bowel movement everyone was standing around the dining table, even Zed, and Ronnie was saying, It’s never going to work, nobody’s going to do that. I said, Nobody’s going to do what? and Terra said Steve just came up with a great idea for how we can pay for some of the hospital bills.

  Steve’s idea was that we should tell everyone on Rocket-forum what happened and ask them to donate money to help. He said, I’m not sure if it’ll work but everyone loves Alex, and if they’re each willing to chip in ten or twenty bucks it’ll make things a little easier at least. I said, Oh, you mean like finding sponsors for me instead of a rocket, and Steve said that’s exactly it. I asked him if I get sponsors does that mean I have to paint their logos on my body, and Zed laughed and Terra said I don’t have to if I don’t want to, and I said, Whew, that’s a relief.

  Ronnie said we don’t need anyone’s help, he’ll figure out a way to pay for everything on his own, and Terra said, Let’s just try it, what do we have to lose! She said that Steve’s right, and Ronnie has other more important things to focus on right now, and Steve smiled a little but then he frowned again, and I said, What things? You mean with our mom? and Ronnie said he still doesn’t think it’ll work. But Steve and Zed both thought it was a great idea and I thought it was a pretty good idea so Ronnie said, Fine, but let’s not get our hopes up. I told him I agree, we should keep them in the middle.

  Steve said he’ll start working on a new post right away, and he went on my computer and started writing the post, and Ronnie went back on his laptop, and the rest of us finished watching Contact. After the movie was over Terra said it was so good, it was refreshing to see an intelligent female scientist as the main character. Zed said one thing he loves about Contact and about Cosmos is they show how science can be deeply spiritual too. He said that a writer he really likes once said that most religions started off being based on science, only it was the best science that they had at that time, and I said, Huh, it really makes you think. And then right when we were about to watch the Blu-ray bonus features Steve came out and said he finished the Rocketforum post.

  The post that Steve wrote was SO long, guys. It was about me and my Golden iPod and everything that happened to us after SHARF but without all the parts about the fighting because Rocketforum is a family-friendly forum. Steve asked me can he take a picture of me and Terra and of my scars to prove to everyone that he’s not making it up, because sometimes people don’t believe what they read on the internet. He said also it would be great if we could upload some of my recordings from the Golden iPod and share those too, but mostly the ones from SHARF, definitely not the ones from Vegas or afterwards, and Terra said that’s another great idea.

  After we uploaded my recordings Steve set up the page where everyone could go to donate money, and he showed us when he was done, and it even had a little bar that shows what percent we are to the goal. Terra and me read it all over one more time to make sure there weren’t any spelling mistakes, then Ronnie read it over too and told Steve to take out all the stuff about the ladder and just say I got into an accident. I asked Ronnie why and he said it’s a family matter, and I said, Does it have something to do with our mom? and then Ronnie didn’t want to talk about it again.

  I told Terra, I’m glad we’re doing something about this outstanding question but what about all your guys’s other outstanding questions? I said I have my own outstanding questions too, like When can I see my mom? and What kind of shows do they have at her hospital? and Why doesn’t Ronnie want me to go see her and why don’t you or Ronnie want to talk about stuff? Why can’t you guys just tell me the truth! And then Terra frowned again and she STILL wouldn’t talk about it.

  I don’t know why everyone is being such a bleep. I wish I was sixteen already because then I could drive a car and go see my mom by myself and I wouldn’t need Ronnie or Terra to take me. Maybe Steve was right with what he said in LA—no one wants to tell me the truth because I’m just a kid.

  But then what am I supposed to do?

  What do you guys do?

  Won’t SOMEbody answer my questions?

  NEW RECORDING 44

  39S

  TERRA: Alex, look. I’m recording.

  TERRA: Don’t you want to say something to them?

  TERRA: Don’t you want to tell them about your plans for Voyager 4?

  TERRA: Tell them about how supportive everyone on Rocketforum’s been. At least do that. We’re almost a third of the way to our goal! They’re doing it for you, Alex. Isn’t that exciting?

  TERRA: Alex, you can’t just not say anything.

  TERRA: I know you want to see your mom. I know you miss her.

  TERRA: It’s just that she’s not . . . ready.

  TERRA: We’ll take you to see her, just not right now. She needs time to get better.

  TERRA: Alex—

  NEW RECORDING 45

  2M 18S

  Alex still won’t talk. Now he’s locked himself in his mom’s room. He’s already been in there for most of the day.

  This morning while we were having breakfast he kept crying and asking when he could see her, even more than before. He just wouldn’t let it go. And the questions became demands, like, I want to see her NOW.

  She’s not under watch anymore, which is promising. But Ronnie said she’s still not entirely herself. How can we let Alex see his mom in that condition?

  I tried to reason with him but he just covered his ears and kept yelling now now now, he wants to see her now. He wasn’t crying anymore but this—this was somehow worse. The guys and I tried getting him to play with Carl Sagan, with his rocket stuff, everything. I asked him to tell me more about his tesseract, but he wasn’t interested in that either. And Ronnie is adamant about him not going outside because of everything that’s happening with CPS or DHS or whatever they call Child Protective Services here. We can’t risk them coming by and seeing Alex, and taking him away. Putting him in a foster home. Nothing we’re doing is really helping though. Alex probably feels like he’s under house arrest . . .

  I called Donna again—called my mom. I told her about what’s been going on with Ronnie and their mom, and with CPS and how Alex is refusing to come out of the room. I told her everything, even what happened in LA with Steve. And I said maybe it was a mistake not being up-front with Alex from the beginning because, I mean, I know how much he values honesty, values the truth. I know how much Alex loves his mom. And I want him to see her, I really do, but I’m just afraid that . . . what I mean is . . . there are things we want to protect him from, Ronnie and I both. There are things we don’t want Alex to have to learn the hard way.

  Anyway, I blabbed on and on about that stuff and Donna was pretty quiet the whole time, and then I asked her what she thought about all of it and it took her a moment to answer. And then, out of the blue, she said she’s proud of me.

  I was like, Proud of me? And she was like, Yes, proud of me for being there for Alex and keeping him safe. I said, Then why does it feel like I’m failing him all the time?

  And she said, and I keep thinking about this—she said, It’s because you love him.

  It’s because . . .

  NE
W RECORDING 46

  29M 18S

  RONNIE: What’d you say?

  [cars passing]

  ALEX: I’m recording now, is that OK?

  RONNIE: Yeah, OK.

  ALEX: Hi guys. We’re on the highway driving back to our house right now. Last night Ronnie finally said he’s going to take me to see our mom tomorrow which is today and we just saw her. I wanted Terra to come too but Terra said that I should go with Ronnie, she’ll meet my mom some other time.

  Do you guys have hospitals where you are? Do you have different hospitals for different things? I thought my mom’s hospital in Belmar was going to be like the one I was in after I fell off the ladder but it wasn’t. It’s a behavioral health hospital.

  When we got there the lady at the front desk told us just to wait in the lobby, a tech will come get us when our mom is ready. I asked her, What’s a tech, is it some kind of technology like a robot, so is a robot going to take us to see our mom? And she said tech stands for technician, which means someone who works at the hospital but isn’t a nurse or a doctor.

  While we were waiting Ronnie got a phone call from his prospective client and then he went outside to talk, and I wanted to see what kinds of stuff they had at a behavioral health hospital so I walked down one of the hallways, and it looked more like the hallways at my school except there were no lockers. I saw some patients and they were wearing normal clothes, not hospital gowns, but I could tell they were patients because they were wearing plastic ID bracelets like I had to wear in my hospital. One of the rooms I saw was called Day Room and it had a TV and there were patients inside watching TV, and there was another Day Room with round tables and patients at the tables coloring in coloring books, which I did in kindergarten, so I thought that maybe when people go to the behavioral health hospital it’s like they have to start over from when they’re born and learn how to crawl and walk and talk and go to kindergarten and everything so they remember how to behave like grown-ups.