Losing Eva (The Eva Series Book 2)

by Jennifer Sivec

  She pulled away from him quickly.

  “Okay, good,” She said turning away from him.

  The next morning she woke up and the house felt unusually quiet.

  She went to the suite and found that Dylan and Noah were both gone.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The Long Good-Bye

  ADAM KNEW that the moment was coming, and he knew that it would be up to him to convince Brynn.

  “I can’t! I can’t say good-bye! I’m not giving up on Sophie.” Brynn said angrily, refusing to look at him.

  “Brynn, she’s suffering. She’s not breathing on her own and her brain has too much damage. We need to do what’s right and let her go.” Adam’s voice was deep and hoarse. He was in pain, more than any pain he had ever experienced before. He knew that he was going to have to talk to Brynn. He knew that she could never let Sophie go on her own. I wish that just for once Brynn could see things for what they are, and not what she wants them to be! If she could only see this is the right thing to do.

  “I can’t leave her to die. I can’t just let her go. I can’t! How can you ask me to let my child die? How dare you?”

  “Your child? How about my child? Brynn, she’s ours!” Adam couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She’s doing what she always does, making it about her and not about us, or about me. Adam was trying not to get frustrated. The marriage Counselor had warned them that they had to remain united, and that they couldn’t think independently all of the time, or else they wouldn’t make it.

  “She needs a chance. She needs a chance to live. She can live,” Brynn was desperately pleading her case.

  “She’s already dead, Brynn. She’s brain dead. Her brain went too long without oxygen. We have to let her go,” Adam’s tone was final.

  Brynn dropped to her knees. This was worse than anything she had ever experienced, or imagined in her worst nightmares. It was worse than when Adam left her. It was worse than the ferocious beatings, and it was worse than wondering what was so wrong with her that her parents just discarded her like garbage. This… this was far worse.

  She thought of Sophie’s tiny body growing inside of her own. And then she pictured her struggling, fighting for every breath, ever since she was born. How can this be? How is this fair? I can’t say good-bye to her, I’ve barely even gotten to meet her. I haven’t even held her. How can I let her go? Brynn felt her throat closing in. Something was squeezing her so tight she was gasping for air.

  “Breathe, Brynn. Just breathe. Slowly, in and out. Breathe,” Adam said, his voice full of concern, but something else that Brynn couldn’t put her finger on. “Please, sweetheart…”

  “Adam, I need to hold her,” Brynn said looking at him, terrified that he would say “no.”

  “The doctor said we could hold her. We can spend as much time with her as we need to. But then it’s only right to let her go. She can’t go on like this. It’s just too hard, and it’s not right to put her through it.” Adam was amazed at how little Brynn heard, almost as though she wasn’t even in the room.

  Brynn nodded slowly. I need to call Jane. I can’t call Jane! I can’t ruin her honeymoon. I have no one else to call. There is only Jane. For a brief moment, she thought about Ellie. But she knew that she would never confide in Ellie, or go to her for anything. Brynn felt very alone.

  Adam wanted desperately to call his parents, but they were overseas on a mission trip with their church, and there was no way to get a hold of them. He watched Brynn carefully trying to gauge her reaction, but as usual, he couldn’t read her.

  He just didn’t know which way she was going to go with the news, and he wanted desperately to be there for her, but he didn’t think she would let him. They had made so much progress over the past few months, but Adam felt as though he was instantaneously watching them slide backwards.

  Brynn already felt like she was slipping away.

  “Sweetheart,” he said gently. “What do you want to do? Do you want to go in?”

  Brynn was still sitting on the floor, her chin resting on her knees, her arms encircling them. She looked like a child, and Adam felt strangely annoyed with her. He wanted her to make him feel better. He needed her to make him feel better.

  Almost as though she read Adam’s mind, she suddenly stood up and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

  “I’m sorry,” Brynn whispered. “I got lost for a moment, and I’m sorry.”

  Adam kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” This is the Brynn I want and need. He paused. “What do we do? Do we want to say ‘good-bye’ now?”

  Brynn’s heart sunk. She nodded. She wanted to shake her head and run away, but she nodded instead, her heart feeling as though it were being stabbed with a thousand jagged knives.

  They walked slowly, hand in hand, down the long corridor into the locked maternity ward. They stood outside and waited to be let in. As they walked to their room, they knew that the nurses knew, everyone knew, what they were about to do. The nurses all looked at them with sad, teary eyes. Brynn hid her face in Adam’s shoulder so that she wouldn’t have to look at them.

  They paused at the doorway of the room and looked at each other silently. Brynn knew that he was waiting for her to let him know she was ready. She took a deep breath and stepped into the room.

  The room was different. Quiet. There was only one machine on, the one keeping Sophie breathing, the one keeping her alive. But all of the other machines were gone. They looked around the room and realized that her plastic enclosure was missing too. The only thing left in the room was a standard hospital bassinet. The nurses had dressed Sophie in a pretty pink onesie, and Brynn stared down at her daughter and sighed.

  “She’s beautiful,” she breathed. Brynn was caught off guard by how beautiful her baby was, how amazingly small and beautiful and perfect. And Brynn was horrified by what she was there to do, her heart caught in her throat, unable to utter another word.

  A nurse appeared out of nowhere. “Would you like to hold her?”

  Brynn looked at Adam, her eyes frantic with fear, but he was lost in his own grief. She hadn’t gotten to hold her yet, and now that she could, she wasn’t sure if she would be able to let her go when the time came.

  Brynn looked at the nurse and nodded her head, slowly.

  The nurse gestured to the nearby chair and picked Sophie up, wrapping her quickly in a blanket. She handed her gently to Brynn who felt like she was being handed a secret prize, an invaluable token. She felt nervous and awkward as she looked up to Adam for reassurance. He smiled at her sadly, and Brynn realized that this was going to be the one and only time she was going to get to hold her baby.

  “She’s so light!” Brynn said with wonder, amazed at how Sophie felt like air in her arms. She closed her eyes and imagined herself getting to hold her every day, waking her up in the morning, and putting her to bed at night. She felt her heart start to swell almost uncontrollably. It was so full of despair. She held her for what felt like forever, time frozen, the room still.

  Brynn felt Adam’s hand on her shoulder and it startled her. She looked up and saw tears in his blue eyes. “You hold her, honey,” Brynn offered, her voice a small whisper.

  “Keep her a little while longer,” Adam said, smiling down at her, blinded, barely able to see. He wiped the tears away and looked deep into her eyes. “Keep her as long as you want.”

  Brynn held Sophie, talking to her, rocking her in her arms. She was careful not to talk about sad things. I doubt she can understand but I’m not going to take the chance.

  Adam watched her, mesmerized by the sound of Brynn’s voice. He loved watching her talk to Sophie. It confirmed what he had always known about her—Brynn was going to be a wonderful mother, even though she had no one to teach her, and no role models of her own. He felt his heart cracking, but he tried to stay strong just a little while longer. He knew that he would need to for Brynn.

  She eventually handed Sophie over to Adam, and they too
k turns gently passing her back and forth. The nurse watched carefully from a distance, trying not to cry. This part never got any easier, no matter how many times she saw it, and this young couple was no exception.

  “I love you, Sophie. I didn’t know if I could be a good Mommy, but here you are. And now I know that I can be. And I have you to thank for that,” Brynn fought back the sobs that were beginning to engulf her. Her heart felt like a raw open wound. Even Adam’s abandonment felt minimal compared to the pain she was feeling trying to let her daughter go.

  Adam held her and Sophie tight, enveloping them with his arms. “Oh God, I wish I could just protect you from this, but I can’t!”

  Brynn wasn’t for sure if he was talking to Sophie or if he was talking to her.

  “I can’t do this. I can’t. Let. Her. Go.” Brynn was crying hard, her entire body shaking as she tried not to let herself scream. “I can’t say good-bye. I just can’t. I can’t!”

  Adam held Brynn and Sophie tight. He didn’t want the moment to get past him. He didn’t know how he was going to survive. He looked at his small, beautiful daughter in the arms of the only woman he had ever loved, and he wanted to keep them like this, with him always. He couldn’t imagine how he was ever going to get Brynn past this, or how he was going to get past this.

  Adam held Brynn through her sobs, tortured and raw, wishing that he could ease her pain. Brynn tried desperately to stop crying. She didn’t want Sophie to go without her realizing it, and she knew that if she kept crying that she would miss her last moments. She summoned her strength and quieted herself as best as she could.

  Brynn held Sophie close, breathing in her sweet scent, and feeling the slight rise and fall of her chest as it moved slower and slower. They had given the doctor permission to stop the machines, knowing that it would mean an end to her suffering. Brynn didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know if Sophie would float away, or if she would cry. She just knew that she couldn’t let her go. She stared at her face. Will I know when she’s gone?

  Brynn held her breath, waiting.

  The doctor had said that after they stopped ‘taking measures,’ it wouldn’t be long. Brynn wanted it to last forever. She couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go.

  They sat for an hour, and Brynn felt every minute as though it were a lifetime. She touched every tiny finger and toe, tracing them with her own fingers, enjoying the softness and the newness. She nuzzled Sophie, enjoying her smell, knowing that she would never get to smell her again, and praying that she would always remember what she smelled like.

  Finally, Sophie was still, her tiny chest no longer moving and Brynn marveled at how she simply looked as though she were sleeping. Brynn gasped, realizing that Sophie didn’t move at all, as she looked at Adam helplessly. Adam blindly fumbled for the nurses call button, not seeing it through the tears that were flowing down his face. He stood up, unable to look at Brynn, unable to look at his daughter.

  “Did we do the right thing? Adam? Oh God, did we do the right thing?” Brynn’s voice cracked as she begged Adam for an answer.

  Adam nodded, his blue eyes dark and somber. “She’s not suffering anymore, Brynn. She isn’t in pain anymore.”

  “But she never knew us. She never knew that we loved her.” Brynn held Sophie close to her chest, desperately searching her mind for a way she could be with her forever. She refused to believe that she was truly gone.

  “She knew us, Brynn. She knew us before she was ever born. She knew we loved her. She loved us, even if only for a brief time. She knew, Brynn.” Adam couldn’t believe anything different. He knew that if it weren’t true, that nothing else in the world could ever make sense again.

  Brynn nodded. She couldn’t see Adam or Sophie. She could only see the tears that kept coming no matter how hard she tried to make them stop.

  Brynn handed the still bundle to Adam, and Adam took her, carefully. Adam held her and rocked her back and forth in his arms, humming quietly. Adam kissed Sophie’s cheek, taking in its softness and knowing he would always remember how it felt on his lips.

  When he started to hand her back, Brynn shook her head. She didn’t want to hold her dead child any longer. She wanted the moment to be over. She wanted to stop looking at the tiny beautiful face that would have been her daughter. She just wanted to go home, and she didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

  The nurse had been waiting respectfully, silently. She looked at Brynn who sat with her head in her hands on the bed. She refused to look at the nurse even though she could feel the heaviness of her eyes.

  “Do you want to hold her one last time, and say good-bye?” the nurse said gently to Brynn.

  Brynn was silent. The nurse waited.

  Brynn stood up and walked toward the nurse. She walked as though she was in a daze, and the nurse recognized the glazed look in her eyes. Brynn took Sophie slowly and nuzzled her against her neck, knowing that this would be the last time that she would ever hold her.

  “I love you more than you will ever know, and I will never forget you. Never.” Brynn kissed her on the cheek and then on the forehead, hating the coldness that was starting to settle into Sophie’s skin. She took one last look at Sophie’s face and couldn’t believe that she was going to have to live her life without her.

  The nurse entered the room, quietly. Brynn handed Sophie to the nurse and immediately turned away unable to believe what she had just done The nurse quickly left the room, and the room fell eerily silent.

  Neither Brynn nor Adam touched one another or spoke. Each was lost in their own pain oblivious to the other as they sat isolated and surrounded by a deep shroud of impenetrable sorrow. Without speaking, they both knew that absolutely nothing in their lives would ever be the same again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Carly’s Life

  CARLY SMILED AT PETEY. She had been living with them for several years now, and after the initial first year, found that as time went on, she smiled more and more often. The biggest black spot in her life now were the headaches, the terrible headaches that always came, and then stayed for days.

  Other than that, she had learned to be content with her life. The doctor told her that she may never get her memory back, and she was coming to terms with that. She wanted to know who she was and what her life was like before coming to live with Petey and Lily, but with every passing year, she found that it didn’t bother her quite as much.

  “What are you smiling at, honey?” Petey said smiling back. He remained stunned by Amy’s beauty, as he was from the first moment that he saw her. He was careful to call her ‘Carly’ now, instead of ‘Amy’. Carly, Carly, Carly. Don’t ever mess it up, Petey. He had been calling her Carly for several years, but he was still afraid that he would forget and call her Amy one day. Amy didn’t know that he knew who she was. She thought he just found her wandering somewhere, and he had saved her from some terrible men who were trying to hurt her.

  “You,” she said leaning her chin on her hands. “You’re so handsome and serious all of the time.” She pretended to pout.

  “I just want you to be happy,” Petey said trying not to sound nervous. He leaned over and kissed her, feeling that familiar rush as he did so. He had never cared about anyone like he cared about her. For the first time in his life, he felt as though he had a lot to lose.

  “I am,” Carly sighed happily. She busied herself making breakfast, knowing that Lily would be leaving for work soon at the veterinarian clinic.

  “Why are you so happy?” Petey asked, curious.

  “I don’t know. I woke up this morning and I felt… happy. I can’t explain it. I just felt at peace.” Carly shook her short blonde hair, mussing it up, and Petey felt his heart thump in his chest. He thought she was beautiful from the moment he saw her, which is why he couldn’t let Sy kill her as he had killed her husband. They met with such violence, Petey didn’t believe she would ever be able to let that go had she remembered what he did to her. He never believe she could have co
me to love him. But she doesn’t remember! Petey reminded himself.

  Lily came into the kitchen silently. “Good morning,” she said brightly.

  “Lily, I made breakfast,” Carly said proudly. She loved Lily like a sister and wanted her to be pleased. Lily had taken care of her, taught her how to cook, how to sew, and how to clean. Carly was ashamed of how much she didn’t know how to do, but Lily had taught her to be useful around the house.

  “It looks wonderful,” Lily said, smiling at Carly with approval. Lily was surprised at what a quick learner Carly was. It was evident that Carly hadn’t cooked or cleaned in a long time, and Lily needed her to be able to help around the house. She was pleased and surprised at how eager Carly was, and was even more surprised that she wanted to learn how to sew. When Lily was offered a job, she and Petey were hesitant about leaving Carly alone, but she had already been with them for a couple of years, and there was no sign of her memory returning.

  “I’m glad you found a job,” Carly said, looking at Lily. “You seem so much happier.”

  “I am. Thank you.” Lily didn’t realize that it was so evident.

  “I just wish that I could do more,” Carly said, a trace of sadness in her voice.

  “You don’t need to work, honey. Not with your headaches. We will take care of you,” Petey said quickly. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

  Carly was quiet, busying herself with pouring coffee and juice and buttering the toast. “I haven’t had a headache in a month now,” she said quietly.

  The room was silent, with only the sound of thoughtful chewing.

  “You do a lot around here,” Lily said breaking the silence. “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”