PEACHUM stands.
BROWN
And what about the bankers?
MYRNA
(standing) “What about the bankers?” Don’t you just hate the way he talks. Can I at least cut out his tongue? We can boil it on the boat for a midnight snack.
BROWN
She’s not a cannibal, is she?
PEACHUM
Not full time, no. But you were asking about the bankers. That was a great idea you had about them. We liked it very much.
MAC enters.
MAC
Of course it needed some work.
PEACHUM
Some improvising …
MAC
Some genuine imagination.
PEACHUM
You have everything?
MAC
Yes.
PEACHUM
Good … (to BROWN) Then you can have these back.
PEACHUM hands BROWN the tickets.
MYRNA
Why you doing that, love of my life?
MAC
(looking) They’re fake. The real ones look … (producing four tickets) … like this.
MAC goes over to IVES and PORK.
MAC
All of them in the basement tied up good and tight, okay?
PORK
Yeah, boss.
MAC
Then take this … (hands them a large wad of money) … and get yourselves outta here.
VINNIE
Polly’s in the car out back.
MAC
(to PEACHUM) You ready?
PEACHUM
(to MYRNA) Darling?
MYRNA
(downing her drink) All set.
MYRNA and PEACHUM leave.
MAC
(to VINNIE , IVES , and PORK) Watch out for each other.
PORK
We will, boss.
MAC leaves.
PORK
Okay. Everyone, down in the basement.
VINNIE
(to BROWN) You heard him. On your feet.
BROWN
(shrugging) Sure … (stands. Looks at VINNIE . Smiles)
VINNIE
What are you smiling about?
BROWN
(shrugging) You’re so close … (to the FEDERAL AGENTS) Aren’t they? So very close.
The FEDERAL AGENTS smile.
VINNIE
(to IVES) Now they’re all smiling. What’s going on?
VINNIE, IVES, and PORK look very nervous. BROWN and his FEDERAL AGENTS are all smiling and looking ready to pounce. They do.
They disarm VINNIE, IVES, and PORK very efficiently and kill them all in a furious volley of gunfire.
Blackout.
SCENE 26
MERCER and HALLIWELL are sitting in their chairs at the bankers’ club.
HALLIWELL
If we take our money out of the market, he kills us. If we leave our money in the market and it still crashes, we probably have to kill ourselves.
MERCER
Maybe it’s the way you’re saying it.
HALLIWELL
Be my guest …
MERCER
He’ll kill us if we take it out. We’ll kill ourselves if we have to leave it in …
HALLIWELL
Still sounds bad.
MERCER
I wasn’t finished. How about we take it out until the market crashes, then we put it back in?
HALLIWELL
Which I believe was the original plan …
MERCER
The one he objected to.
They think for a moment.
HALLIWELL
So that’s the choice. Take it out and we’re dead. Leave it in and we’re poor.
MERCER
And we might as well be dead.
HALLIWELL
So … actually, it’s a choice between being rich and being dead … and being poor and wanting to be dead.
MERCER
Having the money when we die –
HALLIWELL
Or dying because we don’t have the money.
They think.
MERCER
I choose –
HALLIWELL
Having the money.
MERCER
Well, it’s really the only option, all things considered.
HALLIWELL
Yes, having the money … even if it’s only for a little while –
MERCER
So that when he puts bullets in our brains, he’ll know –
HALLIWELL
We’ll know –
MERCER
That we were rich. Still rich.
HALLIWELL
Very, very rich. You know, I feel much better. I think I’m even getting my appetite back.
MERCER
I’m a little peckish myself.
A lavishly set table floats onstage and lands between them.
HALLIWELL
Lovely. Where else could we get this kind of service?
MERCER
I love this country.
HALLIWELL
The people, not so much.
Lifting the cover, HALLIWELL finds a dead rat on his plate. He lifts it by the tail.
MERCER
Well, that takes a certain amount of the joy out of it, doesn’t it?
Blackout.
SCENE 27
The PEACHUM house. PEACHUM, surrounded by luggage, fusses with the straps on a suitcase. BROWN appears with a gun.
BROWN
All that work for nothing …
PEACHUM
What happened to my men?
BROWN
They died.
PEACHUM
Well … I’m sure you had no choice.
BROWN
I’d like to revisit our plan for a moment. You were supposed to deliver those three financial giants to me completely compromised and ready for indictment.
PEACHUM
And you were supposed to give me a pardon from the governor that wasn’t a fake.
BROWN
Which you knew I had no intention of doing all along. So you decided very early on in our discussions to turn my plan into a plan of your own and yield for yourself a very large profit.
PEACHUM
Which you knew I would.
BROWN
Well, at least, I certainly hoped so.
PEACHUM
And so now you’re here for your share.
BROWN
If by my “share” you mean all of it, then yes.
PEACHUM
Well, I had a partner.
BROWN
I’ll deal with Mac later. Where’s the money?
PEACHUM
In one of these, I imagine. Myrna packed it.
BROWN
And where is the lovely Myrna at the moment?
PEACHUM
I believe she’s … eating.
BROWN
Anyone I know? (pointing to a suitcase) Open it up.
PEACHUM
(opening the suitcase) I disliked you immediately, by the way. (showing him the money) The way you dressed, the snotty way you talked, the way you –
BROWN
Okay, that’s enough.
He shoots PEACHUM in the heart. PEACHUM falls to the floor, dead. BROWN moves towards the suitcase as MYRNA rushes into the room with a machine gun.
MYRNA
(screaming) You basstarrrrd! You killed my lovely man! You rotten … (can’t get the machine gun to fire) … What the –
BROWN
Yes. They can be a little bit unreliable.
BROWN shoots MYRNA dead. He picks up the suitcase and leaves.
Blackout.
SCENE 28
Café. MAC is waiting. BROWN approaches and sits opposite him.
BROWN
Where is it?
MAC
Under the table.
BROWN
(briefly looking under the table) How much?
MAC
All tha
t was left. I gave quite a bit of it away. I was trying to redistribute some wealth. I think it’s the only way to save the economy, don’t you?
BROWN
The economy will ebb and flow, tumble and recover, but in the long-run … it can’t be saved.
MAC
Not with that attitude, it can’t. But if we all chip in –
BROWN
You seem very calm.
MAC
Yes, and I know that annoys people in law enforcement. But none of you have ever impressed me enough to make me nervous.
BROWN
So you’re not worried I’ll take the money and arrest you anyway?
MAC
On your own? I don’t think so. And would you bring your men to watch you pick up this money …? And even if you had … well, there are some things worth going to jail for.
BROWN
Such as?
MAC
Seeing the expression on your face when this happens …
POLLY walks by dressed like a waitress and carrying a tray. She takes a gun from under a napkin on the tray. As BROWN sees MAC smile at her and turns towards her himself, POLLY puts a bullet in his brain. BROWN slumps over dead. MAC and POLLY quickly leave the café.
CHRISTIE is at another table. He lowers the newspaper that has been covering his face, retrieves the satchel from under MAC’s table, and heads off after MAC and POLLY.
Blackout.
SCENE 29
MAC and POLLY on the deck of a ship in the middle of the Atlantic. MAC is reading. POLLY is lost in thought. CHRISTIE stands a little distance away from them, a discreet bodyguard.
MAC
Do you know what Aristotle said about money?
POLLY
I don’t know what he said about anything.
MAC
He said that the purpose of money was to serve the members of society and to … facilitate the exchange of goods needed to lead a virtuous life. I think we had it more or less right all along.
POLLY
Except for the virtuous life part.
MAC
I believe we’re an important part of the world economy.
POLLY
Because we … facilitate the exchange of goods?
MAC
Yeah …
POLLY
And how does that make you feel?
MAC
It makes me want to do more.
POLLY
You mean take more.
MAC
Well, as long as there’s so much to be taken.
They kiss.
THE END
Photo by Woroner
GEORGE F. WALKER has been one of Canada’s most prolific and popular playwrights since his career in theatre began in the early 1970s. His first play, The Prince of Naples, premiered in 1972 at the newly opened Factory Theatre, a company that continues to produce his work. Since that time, he has written more than twenty plays and has created screenplays for several award-winning Canadian television series.
Part Kafka, part Lewis Carroll, Walker’s distinctive, gritty, fast-paced comedies satirize the selfishness, greed, and aggression of contemporary urban culture. Among his best-known plays are Gossip (1977); Zastrozzi, the Master of Discipline (1977); Criminals in Love (1984); Better Living (1986); Nothing Sacred (1988); Love and Anger (1989); Escape from Happiness (1991); Suburban Motel (1997, a series of six plays set in the same motel room); and Heaven (2000). Since the early 1980s, he has directed most of the premieres of his own plays.
Many of Walker’s plays have been presented across Canada and in more than five hundred productions internationally; they have been translated into French, German, Hebrew, Turkish, Polish, and Czechoslovakian.
During a ten-year absence, he mainly wrote for television, including the television series Due South, The Newsroom, This Is Wonderland, and The Line, as well as for the film Niagara Motel (based on three plays from his Suburban Motel series). Walker returned to the theatre with And So It Goes (2010).
Awards and honours include Member of the Order of Canada (2005); National Theatre School Gascon-Thomas Award (2002); two Governor General’s Literary Awards for Drama (for Criminals in Love and Nothing Sacred); five Dora Mavor Moore Awards; and eight Chalmers Canadian Play Awards.
Also by George F. Walker
INDIVIDUAL PLAYS
Ambush at Tether’s End (1972)
And So It Goes (2010)*
Heaven (2000)* – also available as an e-book
Nothing Sacred (1988)*
Prince of Naples (1972)
Risk Everything (2004)
Sacktown Rag (1972)
Science and Madness (1982)
Theatre of the Film Noir (1981)
Zastrozzi: The Master of Discipline (1977)
COLLECTED PLAYS
The East End Plays: Part One (1999)*
Criminals in Love, Better Living, and Escape from Happiness
The East End Plays: Part Two (1999)*
Beautiful City, Love and Anger, and Tough!
The Power Plays (1984)*
Gossip, Filthy Rich, and The Art of War
Somewhere Else (1999)*
Beyond Mozambique, Zastrozzi, Theatre of the Film Noir, and Nothing Sacred
Suburban Motel (1999)*
Problem Child, Adult Entertainment, Criminal Genius, Featuring Loretta, The End of Civilization, and Risk Everything
Three Plays (1978)
Bagdad Saloon, Beyond Mozambique, and Ramona and the White Slaves
* PUBLISHED BY TALONBOOKS
About Talonbooks
Thank you for reading and purchasing King of Thieves.
If you came across this e-book by some other means, feel free to purchase it and support our hard work. It is available through most major online e-book retailers and on our website. The print edition is also available.
Talonbooks is a small, independent, Canadian book publishing company. We have been publishing works of the highest literary merit since the 1960s. With nearly 500 books in print, we offer drama, poetry, fiction, and non-fiction by local playwrights, poets, and authors from the mainstream and margins of Canada’s three founding nations, as well as both visible and invisible minorities within Canada’s cultural mosaic.
Learn more about us, or learn more about the playwright, George F. Walker.
© 2013 by George F. Walker
Talonbooks
P.O. Box 2076, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada V6B 3S3
www.talonbooks.com
Cover design by Chloë Filson. Typeset by Typesmith
Cover photograph is a mug shot of William Stanley Moore, Special Photograph No. 1399, 1 May 1925, Central Police Station, Sydney, photographer unknown, NSW Police Forensic Photography Archive, Justice & Police Museum, Historic Houses Trust of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia
First printing: 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright licence, visit accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.
The publisher gratefully acknowledges the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund, and the Province of British Columbia through the British Columbia Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit for our publishing activities.
Rights to produce King of Thieves, in whole or in part, in any medium by any group, amateur or professional, are retained by the author. Interested persons are requested to contact the author’s agent: Rena Zimmerman, Great North Artists Management Inc., 350 Dupont Street, Toronto, Ontario M5R 1V9; call 416-925-2051 or email [email protected].
A version of King of Thieves with songs (lyrics by the author and music by John Roby) is also available through the author’s agent.
LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING
IN PUBLICATION
Walker, George F., 1947–
King of thieves [electronic resource] / George F. Walker.
Electronic monograph in EPUB format.
Issued also in print format.
ISBN 978-0-88922-756-9
1. Thieves--Drama. I. Title.
PS8595.A557K55 2013 C812'.54 C2013-900159-X
King of Thieves Page 6