Jane Carver of Waar

by Nathan Long

  On the other hand, if I copped out now, everything I’d been through tonight would be pointless. I would have kept my hands off Kedac’s neck for nothing.

  I scanned the room. What the hell had I been thinking way back fifteen minutes ago before I’d met the hate of my life? Oh yeah, the pom-pom lady, with the bat-pigs. This was going to be cake. Another quarter hour in this cozy little oven hadn’t made anybody love those little bastards any better. It wouldn’t take much.

  I stood and looked down at Sai. “Follow me, but not too close.”

  Sai joined me. “What do you intend?”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just be ready to move.”

  “I bow to your experience, Mistress.” Sai stayed about a car length behind me as I wandered through the room pretending I was just stretching my legs. Pretty lame idea if that’s what I’d really wanted to do. It was more like tip-toeing through a crowded departure lounge when a plane’s late. People were sprawled everywhere with their shit all around them.

  As I passed the pom-pom lady, I stepped beside a bat-pig and slid a toe under its belly. Before it knew what I was doing, I hoisted it across the room.

  It probably wouldn’t have mattered much where I dropped the little bastard, but I picked the best place I could.

  There was a snotty diva singer with a big, no-neck muscle boy for a helper. All night she’d been bitching to him—these guys were too close, those guys were too loud—and he’d go off and lean on whoever-it-was until they moved off or shut up. Needless to say they weren’t the most popular act in the room. Perfect targets.

  It was a good shot. I’d been aiming for the prima donna’s chest. I got her face. The bat-pig wasn’t real happy about taking its unscheduled flight and when it hit her it was a screaming claw-bomb, spitting and scratching like a bucket of wet cats.

  The prima donna screeched and swatted at it. Her no-neck helper shouted and cuffed it across the room just as the pom-pom lady looked up. She screeched too, like a mom seeing her kid getting punked by the school bully, and charged toward No-Neck.

  The bat-pig’s next touch-down was in the middle of a bunch of acrobats practicing a trick. They crashed to the floor and came up shouting and waving their fists. One of them pitched the bat-pig back at No-Neck. He ducked it and plowed toward them like a linebacker.

  The pom-pom lady cut him off, and flailed at him with her spaghetti arms. He stiff-armed her into a bunch of midget wrestlers who threw her into some dancers.

  No-Neck slammed into the acrobats and they swarmed him like pit bulls on a bear. The fight started rippling out in every direction. The whole room had been waiting for a trigger and this was it. Jugglers whaled on fire-eaters, cooch dancers high-kicked sword swallowers, contortionists tore into clowns, and the bat-pigs zipped around chewing on every ankle they could get their pointy little teeth into.

  Finally, just like I’d hoped, the guards at the two doors waded into the crowd, shouting at everybody to sit down and shut up. That was my cue.

  I grabbed Sai’s wrist. “Come on. But don’t run.”

  We headed straight for the door to the twisty hallway, stepping around fights and ducking flying bat-pigs. We passed a guard on the way. He was busy braining a dwarf with his scabbard and didn’t give us a second look.

  Nobody challenged us as we walked into the hallway. Nobody even noticed. I took a couple corners before I stopped and pulled Sai into an empty room. He grinned at me.

  “Well planned, Mistress Jae-En.”

  “Thanks, but it’s your show from here. Where do you figure Wen-Jhai is?”

  He frowned, looking around to get his bearings. “I have never been here before, but a Dhanan of Ora dare not give his betrothed aught but the best. Wen-Jhai will be in the finest apartments the castle can provide, on the highest floor.”

  I gave him a look. “You sure about that? After that scene in the banquet hall I wouldn’t be surprised if he stuck her in the cold-cellar.”

  Sai looked puzzled. “What mean you?”

  “Well, seems pretty obvious to me that Kedac don’t give a damn about Wen-Jhai.”

  “How so, mistress?”

  I stared at him. “Weren’t you watching? Loverboy had his damn hand down my loincloth. He made a goddamn date with me! Doesn’t say much for his true love, does it?” I forced myself to unclench my fists. “Don’t know why you held me back. Hell, I don’t know why you didn’t jump in ahead of me and kill him yourself.”

  Sai blinked like I was talking gibberish. “Mistress, I know not what your rank is in your homeland, but tonight you presented yourself to Kedac as a common actor.”

  “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

  Sai goggled at me some more. “Why, everything. How a Dhan or Dhanan relieves his animal urges with a member of the lower orders has no bearing on the affairs of his heart.”

  I turned on him. I could barely see him through the static in my head. “Are you saying I’m one of the lower orders?”

  Sai backed away. “By no means, Mistress. As I said, you may be a Dhanshai in your own land. I only meant that you cannot fault Kedac for treating you as an actor when you have disguised yourself as such.”

  “And just because I’m one of the lower orders I’m supposed to take...”

  “Mistress, I said you are not one of the lower order, merely that...”

  I shook my head. He didn’t get it. How could he not get it? “Okay okay, forget about how he treated me for a second. What about Wen-Jhai? You’re saying that a guy can screw around on his fiancée as much as he wants as long as its not with his own class?”

  “Exactly. Now you have it.”

  I stared at him. “And you don’t think this is bad?”

  “’Tis as the Seven intended.”

  “So, if you wanted to bump uglies with one of the lower orders tomorrow you’d do it, Wen-Jhai or no Wen-Jhai.”

  “If there was one I desired, yes. ’Tis unhealthy for a man to deny his urges.”

  Someone he desired. I guess that told me how I rated. So much for my letter to Penthouse.

  I looked up at a noise. A servant went by in the hallway. I had a lot more I wanted to ask, but now wasn’t the time. “Come on. We better get out of here. We go up, right?”

  “Indeed, mistress. My goddess is, as ever, above me.”

  He could say that after admitting that he fucked everything that moved? “Hoo-boy.”

  “You spoke, mistress?”

  “Never mind. Forget it.”

  ***

  I kept turning it over as we went up the stairs. Every time I thought I had these guys sorted, they threw another curveball at me. Here I thought they were a bunch of uptight prudes, and the whole time they’re acting like it’s baby-oil night at the Playboy Mansion. My brain felt like somebody was twisting it on a taffy puller. I couldn’t decide if they were more advanced than Earth—if this was some kind of hippy-dippy, open-marriage, free-love thing, or if it was more of a Mandingo-have-that-girl-washed-and-brought-to-my-room thing. “How about Wen-Jhai. Does she get to fool around too? If she gets the hots for the cabana boy does she get to take him for a test drive?”

  Sai stopped dead in his tracks, white as a fish belly. “You dare suggest that Wen-Jhai, the most pure, the most virginal...”

  “Okay okay. Forget it. It was only a question.”

  That answered that. Just like back home, the door only swung one way.

  Three floors up, we stepped out of the stairwell into a wide hallway lined with suits of fancy armor and statues of hunky naked guys. I rolled my eyes. Kedac seemed to take this macho stuff just a little too far. If I hadn’t known better from personal experience I would have figured him for a man’s man.

  Sai started down the hallway. “Come, we must find another stair. We are still not high enough.”

  I followed him. I’m not sure why. Sai didn’t seem to have any better idea where to look than I did. We nosed around that level for what seemed like forever, getting lost
in the criss-crossing corridors. Twice we had to hide when patrols went by. Fortunately there was always plenty of marble muscle-men to duck behind.

  Finally we spotted a stairway up, but just as we headed for it we heard footsteps and voices again. We had the drill down now. We crammed ourselves behind a statue of Mr. Olympia running Mr. Universe through with a spear. Nicely carved. Lots of detail. Both guys had their business hanging out. I didn’t get it. If I was a dude, going into battle with my unit flopping around would make me feel just the tiniest bit vulnerable.

  I eyed the corner, waiting. It wasn’t guards this time. There were three or four voices, male and female, and one of them was music to my ears. I growled. “Kedac.”

  Sai peeked at me around Mr. Olympia’s marble backside, wild-eyed. “Please, Mistress Jae-En, do not be impulsive.”

  I wasn’t making any promises. This was too good an opportunity to pass up. I started climbing up Mr. Olympia’s back so I could jump down on Kedac from above when his posse came around the corner. I groaned. There were guards after all: two in front carrying lanterns, and two bringing up the rear, with Kedac and Mai-Mar and his pals in the middle, six or seven nobles and navy types, all armed to the teeth.

  My dreams of going jungle-cat on Kedac’s ass popped like a balloon. Kill-crazy as I was I could still count. A baker’s dozen sword-swinging tough-guys against me and my two fists. I gave Sai the mental finger again for talking me into leaving my sword behind, and froze on Mr. Olympia’s chilly shoulders, holding my breath as they got closer.

  Below me, Sai wispered. “Vawa-Sar.” He was staring through Mr. Universe’s legs.

  I followed his gaze. Sure enough, pacing beside Kedac like a puppy trying to get a wolf’s attention was Sai’s sister’s fiancé, the guy with the terrible fashion sense. He was kissing ass like a pro.

  “Worry not, gracious Kir-Dhanan. We shall not fail you. Construction will be complete early next year. Already we have stockpiled enough simples and supplies for two years.”

  Kedac’s voice was a manly rumble. “And the loan?”

  “As soon as the wedding takes place.”

  Kedac nodded, all business. “Excellent. Your help in this matter will be rewarded, Dhan Sar.”

  Kedac walked right under me. I could have reached down and ruffled his hair—or snapped his neck. I squeezed Mr. Olympia’s neck instead, just to keep my hands busy, while visions of Kedac’s eyes popping out danced in my head.

  By the time I’d come back from my happy little dream, Kedac and crew were around another corner. I climbed back down and joined Sai. He was frowning like a cheerleader taking a math test.

  “Stranger and stranger.”

  “What’s stranger. Vawa-Sar?”

  We stepped out from behind Mr. Olympia and Mr. Universe and started up the stairs. Sai nodded. “How does he make loans to Kedac-Zir? His family is impoverished. They’ve not sent their sons to court in generations. In fact, Vawa long hesitated to ask for my sister’s hand for fear the marriage be misconstrued as an act of charity. And why give money to the Kin-Dhanan? Save the Aldhanan himself, Kedac is the wealthiest man in all Ora.”

  “You’re talkin’ to the wrong gal, Sai. I ain’t exactly up on Oran current events.”

  He nodded, distracted. “Forgive me. I do not mean to bore you with my family affairs.”

  That was a silly thing to say considering this whole shindig was all about his family affairs, but I let it go.

  We were almost to the top of the stairs when we heard footsteps trotting up behind us. We hurried into the upper hall and ducked behind a tapestry. The footsteps passed and we peeked out to see serving women carrying trays of food. Sai’s eyes lit up. “This way.”

  He started after them. I followed, confused. “You hungry all of a sudden?”

  “They carry menwah, the traditional pastry a suitor gives his beloved.”

  “Oh. A box of chocolates.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Never mind. We’ve got the same thing back home.”

  We followed the servants to a guarded door. The guards let them in, stealing some of the sweets as they passed. Sai and I watched from a corner. “That is where Wen-Jhai resides. I am sure of it.”

  “I suppose it would be too easy just to beat up the guards and go in.”

  “No no. Impossible. None can know we were here.”

  “Of course not.”

  I’m not going to bore you with more acrobatics. All we did was sneak into the room next to the guarded room, then I jumped from that balcony to Wen-Jhai’s balcony and swung Sai across with the cord from a set of curtains. Easy. It made for a hell of an entrance though. We strolled in through the balcony door like we’d just come back from a cigarette break. Got a nice reaction too.

  Wen-Jhai was on a couch, sipping something from a cup and munching a pastry. She turned at the noise and did a total, old-fashioned spit-take—drink spraying, cup smashing on the floor, cookie crumbling. Sai froze, a look of love in his eyes that made me realize how dead he’d looked the whole time I’d known him.

  Wen-Jhai looked from Sai to me and turned paper white. “Ah no, truly now I know that you are dead, beloved.”

  Sai stepped forward, smiling. “But, my love...”

  Wen-Jhai jerked back and shielded her eyes from him. She looked directly at me instead. “Have mercy, cruel demon. I beg you, return this shade of my beloved to the lands of the dead and torment me no more.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. Sai upstaged me anyway, arms outstretched. “Wen-Jhai, my heart. Be not afraid. I am no spirit. I live. Touch my hand.”

  Wen-Jhai uncovered her eyes and reached out shaking fingers. “Can it be? Are you truly flesh and not this time a dream?”

  Sai took her hand. “Flesh, my dear, and yet this is a dream come true.”

  Sai’s touch hit Wen-Jhai like a shock wave. She gasped. “Oh, Sai! It is you.”

  They slammed together in a hug. Wen-Jhai clung to Sai like kudzu. “Beloved, you know not how I have wept, thinking you—”

  Wen-Jhai’s chin was over Sai’s shoulder, and when she opened her eyes yours truly was front and center. She pushed away from him again. “But... but, Sai, if you be not dead, what demon is...”

  Sai turned and remembered I was there. He giggled. “My love, Mistress Jae-En is no demon. She is a visitor from... from the lands beyond the sea.”

  So they did have big-ass pink chicks over there. Who knew?

  Wen-Jhai’s brow scrunched up. “She? This is a woman? But she is dressed like a fighting man.”

  I was getting tired of being talked about like I wasn’t there. I was going to say something, but Sai stepped in. “And well that she does, for her fighting prowess saved me from the savage clutches of the Aarurrh and brought me here to your side.”

  Wen-Jhai still looked a little wary, but I didn’t sense any girlfriend/strange-woman jealousy like I was afraid of. I guess I looked too freaky for her to worry about like that.

  She bowed and crossed her wrists to me. “If that is the case, Mistress Jae-En of the lands-beyond-the-sea, then I am your servant in all things, for you have returned to me he who I believed forever... lost...” She choked up and clutched Sai again. “Oh, my love!”

  They kissed. It went on for a while. I checked out the room. Kedac had done okay by her, although as usual he’d laid it on a little thick: flocks of pillows, battalions of sculptures, layers of velvet curtains with tassels and silk ropes and flowery shit. And there was food. Lots of food. It looked like the inside of Liberace’s brain, with Elvis doing the catering.

  Sai and Wen-Jhai came up for air somewhere around the five-minute mark and Sai held her at arms’ length. He raised an eyebrow. “Wen-Jhai, you’ve...”

  She yeeped, and tried to cover all of herself at once. “Look not upon me. I’m a fat ruktug! I... It was the only vengeance I could think of.”

  I suppose she had put on a few pounds. I hadn’t been sure at first, but she was definitely not the
slim sex kitten I remembered. She was still plenty hot. She’d just gone from Angelina Jolie-hot to Marilyn Monroe-hot, which for my taste was a step in the right direction. Sir Mix-A-Lot would have popped a stitch.

  Sai was confused. “Vengeance?”

  “On Kedac-Zir. For killing you. For wedding me against my will. I vowed to make myself ugly and fat, repulsive to him and an embarrassment to his position.”

  Poor kid. She had a lot of work ahead of her if she was aiming for fat and ugly. Even another twenty pounds would only make her Jayne Mansfield-hot, and I’d like to see the straight man repulsed by that.

  She blubbed into her hands. “And now here you are alive and I have ruined myself. How can you love me like this?”

  I rolled my eyes. I could think of plenty of ways.

  Sai said the same thing, but fancied it up a bit. “Beloved, you have only added to your beauty. And does our love not go beyond the physical? Is not our love the love of souls and minds? Are we not twin spirits, separated at birth, yet destined to overcome every obstacle to be together at last?”

  I was about to go into insulin shock, but it worked for her. She threw herself into his arms. “Oh, my love!”

  “My heart.”

  My lunch. Did these people really talk like this? The closest I’d ever got to that shit was, “So, uh, you wanna get a beer or somethin’?”

  Wen-Jhai suddenly flung herself away from Sai and collapsed on the couch. She seemed to fling around a lot. She had a lot to fling. I was surprised she didn’t have bruises.

  “Oh, cruel custom that separates us and makes might the arbiter of love. Would that tradition were overthrown and you and I could live and love as we would.”

  Sai knelt beside her and took her hand. “Beloved, with all my heart I wish it. Is it not the world we dreamed of in our youth? Is it not the land we vowed to found in the country beyond the moons? I love you with my heart, not the strength of my arm, and if the contest was a test of love and not steel, no man might best me.”

  Wen-Jhai looked a little worried. “But... But you will face Kedac-Zir for my hand. That is why you have come, is it not?”

  Sai blanched, but he firmed up his jaw and opened his mouth to reply. He didn’t get the chance.