And So She Waited

by Shakuita Johnson

  "Since when? Ballet is your life. It’s all you've done. Hell, it’s all we've done for the past 15 years of our lives. Now you don't care about ballet.”

  “Nope.”

  “Will you at least tell me what's going on? Did Remy not show up to Starbucks?"

  "I don’t want to talk about it. I'm tired so just leave me alone, please."

  Matt heard her words but for some reason he couldn't do as she asked. He wanted to know if that asshole Remy did what he had told him to do. He should have been able to tell as soon as she opened the door, but he was confused. He had expected her to be a blubbering mess; instead she was void of all emotions. Just what the hell had happened at the coffee shop?

  "Raven, tell me what happened?" Matt insisted.

  He was getting really tired of the silent treatment. All he was trying to do was help her. The only person she needed was him. He knew what made her happy and no one else would be able to love her like him. Why couldn't she see what was right in front of her? Why couldn’t she see him?

  "Matt, please. Not today. I just need time to myself."

  "NO! Tell me what the hell is going on, Raven. What. The. Fuck. Happened. With. Remy?"

  "Fine! He broke up with me, okay? Are you fucking happy now? He… broke… up… with… me."

  Raven had wrapped her arms around her legs and was rocking herself back and forth, shaking her head from side to side. It was as if she was trying to will the harsh realities of her life away. It was in that moment that he felt the joy in her pain. This was his opportunity to strike. To show her that he was the one for her, that he had been the one all along. Matt slowly approached the bed and sat on the edge. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. He ran his palms up and down her arms to warm her chilled body.

  He watched in utter fascination as her body fought to regain itself and not shut down completely. He was convinced he had done the right thing. Remy had been no good for her. The love she thought she had for him would have ended up killing her. She was in a trance; probably reliving the moment Remy's harsh words had penetrated her psyche. Matt knew it was sadistic to feel such pleasure in her misery. Even worse, he wanted to wrap himself around her. He wanted to seduce her into sleeping with him, to ease the pain she felt at the loss of no longer being one of Remy's whores.

  For now, Matt settled on pressing himself more firmly against her. He wanted her to feel every part of him to realize that they fit each other perfectly. If he could, he would mold himself to her and never part. He wanted to own her and tell the world he did.

  "It's okay, Raven,” he whispered. “I'm here for as long as you need me. He's a fool to have let you go. You are the best thing that's ever happened to him and he threw it away."

  There. He sounded super supportive and loving. Inside, he was cheering his success like a fool. He would give her a week tops before he swooped in and ingrained himself into her life. He was done playing the part of the concerned friend.

  "How could he do that to me?” Raven sobbed. “He embarrassed me in front of the entire shop. He was rude and uncaring. It was as if I never meant anything to him. For almost two years I loved him with every part of me. All that I had was his. I didn't say anything about the other girls because at the end of the day I convinced myself that he came back to me, so they couldn't have meant as much to him as I did. I sat at home for countless days hoping that he would stop by. I was never far from my phone in case I would get a call or text from him, so I could respond right away. I took care of him when he was sick; I cooked, I cleaned, and I even bathed him. I gave him everything and he gave me nothing in return."

  Matt just held her while she wailed and cursed the very existence of Remy Peters. Damn. He should have intervened a year ago. The situation had trouble stamped across it from the beginning. But he hadn’t known how far that trouble would go. Raven had never fallen this hard for anyone before. Ballet had always been her first love. It was the reason she woke up in the morning. It was all she ever did, all she ever talked about. On the first day they met it was the first thing she had said to him. I'm going to be a Prima Ballerina Matty, and you will be there to toss me up and catch me. Always. Then she met that dick, Peters, and she wasn't taking ballet as seriously. She would lose focus, skip practices, and lock herself away for days. All over a boy that meant nothing, a boy that had left her devastated and fragmented. Matt did the only thing he could, he held Raven close as her body convulsed uncontrollably.

  She was utterly breathtaking in her desolation. She was on the edge threatening to fall off but what she didn't know was Matt would be their to catch her. Like always.

  "He never deserved you,” Matt said. “You don't need him. Just let it all go. Leave it all and never let it hurt you again. Never give anyone that much power over you, sweetie. Your heart must be protected at all costs. It's why you should allow room for only one love. Stick with ballet; it has enough heartbreak in it to level a small city. Mix in boys who care only for themselves and your heart becomes a breeding ground for untold pain and undo suffering. Go back to your first love, Raven. It's all you have room for."

  Matt was going to vomit in his mouth. Already he could taste the bile of the lies he was telling. He should be her only love. He was her happily-ever-after, her knight in shining armor. He was the one who carried her glass slipper. The anger of her carelessness threatened to consume him. His arms wrapped themselves tighter around her in 'comfort', when what he really wanted to do was shake the ever-loving shit out of her. He would give her only a few more moments to scream like a banshee before he forced her to snap the fuck out of it. How long was he supposed to suffer the debilitating noises coming from her throat?

  "You don't understand,” Raven cried. “I love him and I want him back. I need him to need me. He's all that I live for now. The only thing I'll ever want. I can't bear to see him with anyone else but me. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else ever touching me. You have to help me, Matty! You have to help me get him back. Bring him back to me, please."

  What. The. Fuck. Did. She. Just. Say.

  "I'm sorry, Raven. I must be hearing things today. I could have sworn it sounded like you wanted the asshole back.”

  "I can't live without him. You have to help me; you're supposed to be my best friend," Raven sobbed.

  Matt angrily shoved her away. He saw red at her callous words.

  "You want him back!" Matt shouted, spit flying from his lips. "You fucking want him back? Look at yourself. Look at this place. It's disgusting! You're disgusting! Get a hold of yourself and find your fucking dignity, your self-respect. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Do you see yourself clearly? You've lost weight, your bones are sticking out, your eyes have bags under them and are bloodshot, and your skin has the same pallor as Death himself. You look like you've been road hard and hung up wet! If I hadn't known any better I would say you were on drugs. In a way you are, and that drug’s name is Remy Peters. Get your shit together, Raven. How long do you think I'm going to sit around and wait on you?"

  Raven’s wild eyes reflected the first stage of mania. She was straddling a precipice and Matt was tempted to tip her over it.

  "Clean yourself up, Raven. You better be at class tomorrow. You might not care about your future, but I do. Remember that, you hear me? I'm the only one who really cares about you. Don’t forget who your real friends are, the ones who've been there since the beginning. Don't make me have to come back here again, to drag you kicking and screaming to school. I won't let you fail."

  Matt left and didn't look back. It was time for tough love. Soft and sweet weren't doing the job anymore. No more babying and coddling. He was ready to fight for his future and he wasn't going to let anyone stand in his way—not even Raven. Especially not Raven.

  Chapter 7

  Raven lay dumbstruck for over an hour, recounting every last word Matt had said to her. Every word was seared into her very soul. The harder she tried to decipher the meaning behind the worlds, the dar
ker her world grew. She felt like she was spiraling into the place she didn't want to be but could no longer avoid. Almost two years she'd coped with the urges, the silent calls for release. She had somehow learned to control them and in a day her entire world had fallen apart. Her old habits had resurfaced, and she could do nothing about it.

  Raven picked herself up off the floor and walked in a trance back to the black box that held all her secrets, fears, doubts, and tears. She took her box back into the bathroom and took off her robe. She gently took out a clean razor and a dry bandage.

  She twisted her torso and cut the other side, making nine beautifully broken cuts across it. With every slice of the blade she felt a tranquility she thought was long abandoned. Raven just wanted everything to stop—the pain, the hurt, the loss, and the doubt. She didn't want to feel; feeling took too much effort.

  Raven sat on the bathroom floor in an almost drug-induced stupor. She just wanted to stop feeling. Her emotions were too much to bear, all these extra feelings, hate, doubt, and loneliness. She just wanted everything to stop. Maybe she should try texting Remy. Surely he had regained his senses by now and had rethought their breakup? Maybe she was just overreacting. He just needed a little break. Maybe she was coming on too strong.

  Raven picked herself up off the floor and went to the mirror. After taking a careful look at herself, she realized Matt had been right. She looked like utter shit. No wonder Remy didn’t want to be seen with her. She needed to start taking better care of herself. Raven ran the water for a hot bath and went about cleaning up the bathroom as she waited for the tub to fill up. After her soak she would tackle the rest of the house, but not before she ate something first. It was time to get her house in order. She needed to make herself into someone Remy would be proud to have at his side. No wonder he had been increasingly pulling away from her. Raven had all but pushed him right out the door!

  Ten minutes later, Raven was enjoying an amazing soak in the tub. The scents of lavender and chamomile curled around her glistening body, soothing her frayed nerves. The bubbles were a big help, too, along with the huge glass of Moscato. She did her best to clear her mind of all dark thoughts, and to focus on what needed to be done. She needed to feed herself regularly, clean up her place from top to bottom, practice for her final, go to the Lyrical Muse Lounge and sing the song she had written for Remy, stop being Matt's punching bag, and no more fucking cutting. These were things she could do. She had to be the change she wanted to see in the world. The time for saying was over; it was time to start doing. Maybe she also needed to add “speak to a therapist” to the list. It had been years since her last session. They had helped some; the pressure wasn't so bad with basic instructions on how to deal with the emotions when they were too much. She had forgotten everything she was taught, too wrapped up in the sensations of her crumbling world.

  Before it had gotten better, it had gotten much worse. She had almost killed herself accidently. She had cut too close. She was slowly bleeding herself to death and no one had even really noticed. Too caught up in their own lives and believing it was exhaustion from practicing too much. Back then all she could think about was ballet. Now she was repeating her dependence on Remy. She could now see the signs. Ballet had been replaced with Remy and both addictions were going to end up killing her. Both had almost succeeded. Raven ran her palms over the newly made scars and winced. They were still tender but their purpose had served her well. Hopefully this was the last time she would have such fresh scars. It was going to be a bitch to move tomorrow at practice but she would push through the pain like she always had. Like she always will. At least she hoped she still had some fight in her.

  The water was starting to cool, so Raven got out of the tub and dried off. Time to get down to business, and the first order was to go out and stock up the damn refrigerator. She had no food whatsoever that was edible. Everything was at least three weeks old. She had been eating saltines and drinking water for the better part of the last three weeks. This shit was unacceptable and she needed to do better. She was going to do better. Raven threw some clothes on and made her way to the corner store until she could hit the grocery store this weekend. She would not roll over and die, she would make sure Remy realized he had just let the best thing to ever fucking happen to him go. Even if it was the last thing she ever did.

  As Raven made her way back from the convenience store, she went through her mental checklist again. She would definitely have to add new makeup to the list. She hadn't worn any of hers for the last year. She was not putting that old shit on her face. A trip to the mall after classes was in order, she had to look smoking HOT for tonight. Remy needed to see what he was missing and realize he needed her in his life. Not any of those other girls, just her. They were perfect for each other—he just needed to see it.

  Once Raven got home she put away the groceries and made a sandwich. It was quickly devoured, which meant she had been neglecting food for quite some time now. With one problem solved, she starting tackling another. First she cleaned her black box of supplies and carefully placed it back under her bed. Then she started in the living room and set about cleaning her entire place. She didn't plan to stop until it was done. Several hours later, Raven was ready to call it a day but she wanted to look over her song one more time and get at least 30 minutes of dance practice in.

  Raven took out the old, battered, black leather notebook that she'd had since she was a kid and flipped to the end of the book. It took her a few shuffled pages before she found what she was looking for. It was the song she had written right before she'd met Remy. But thinking about it now, it fit perfectly with what she was currently feeling about him. It was funny to think that anything she had thought up before meeting him was now relevant. As she looked over the words to I Just Want To Run Away, all the feelings she had been trying to suppress since Matt's outburst threatened to suffocate her once more. She could do this, she could be strong, and she had no other choice but to be. If not for her sake, then for Remy's. She would be the person he needed her to be, regardless of what it took.

  Raven cleared her mind and concentrated on memorizing the words and melody. There would be no accompaniment from the band; she would sing solo. No one knew the beat besides her anyway, and she didn't have time to try to explain it to anyone else. She just needed everyone to listen—well, not everyone. Just one. Remy. He needed to hear what she was saying and hopefully he would understand how much he needed her. Raven practiced the song for another hour before she was satisfied with all the components and tweaking she had done to fix it. She hadn't looked at it for over a year and had grown a bit. But she wanted the song to reflect now, not then.

  Now that everything else was out of the way, the only thing left to do was practice her plies, sautés and pirouettes. She had been slacking for the last couple of weeks and she knew it was going to hurt to get back into the routine. She was always told that picking up an old skill was like learning to ride a bike—you never forget. But no one ever mentioned that the reconditioning sucked like a motherfucker. She was going to be extremely sore in the morning. She went to her stereo and selected the song that they had agreed on. She loved the beat and temperament of Bailando by Enrique Iglesias. A better song couldn't have been picked for their final dance this semester. They couldn't decide on the English or Spanish version so they were going to mash up the two. Raven thought it sounded great on a ten-second loop behind each other, with the Spanish version starting first and the English not that far behind it.

  There was no way anyone was going to be able to top them on the music selection portion of the grading. As the first beats of the music flowed through her she started going back and forth with relevés to warm herself up. She wanted to make sure her muscles were nice and stretched before she started any of the more complicated steps. She probably should be using a barre since it had been so long, but she didn’t have time for that. So she decided to jump right back into it. Turned out she didn’t need the crutch, she was a
trained professional and trained professionals sucked shit the fuck up.

  She moved her body to the words and hummed along because it was too hard a temptation to resist. It was like Enrique was singing especially for her.

  You look at me and girl, you take me to another place (because me need it baby girl) Got me feeling like I’m flying, like I’m out of space (heart beat) Something ‘bout your body says, "Come and take me." (because me need it baby girl) Got me begging, got me hoping that the night don’t stop (rock that body 'cause we don’t stop party).

  "Bailando, bailando, bailando, bailando," Raven sang along with the music as she worked herself into the zone throughout practice. They still hadn't come up with an official choreographed piece so she would just let the music dictate the flow of her body for now. She went from stretching to a plié, to a pointe, to a few piques, and finally going back into pointe so she could finish off with about three pirouettes. She repeated these steps for what seemed like forever but was really only an hour or two. She was lost to not only the music but also to the familiar movements of the ballet. She had missed this feeling, the feeling of complete bliss. That was exactly what she needed to end this crap day. Tomorrow would be better; she would make sure of it. For now she was exhausted. She needed a shower, and then bed. She would figure out her next move in the morning. For now she would ride the wave of exhilaration that her dancing had returned to her.

  Chapter 8

  "Stacey, wait a second!" Remy shouted down the hallway. "You want to come in for a little bit? I'm not really up for company but we can have a beer or something. Maybe put on a TV show?"

  "Sure, that sounds great," Stacey said with a smile.

  Remy led her through his doorway and told her to have a seat on the couch. He went into the kitchen, popped a pizza in the oven, grabbed two beers, and went back to sit next to her.